Was he a cocklodger or am I being dramatic?

[SerialThriller]

Ok, bear with me people, I'm new to this and starting to wonder if I am being overly dramatic and just retro fitting this label because my relationship has come to an end....

So, was he a cocklodger?

1. When we met we both had houses. Mine worth about twice his, but same size just different locations. His house was up for sale as he needed to release equity to pay off debts. He was unable to pay off from the sale and planned to go into rented accommodation. He was on the point of being declared bankrupt. I paid off his debts (I know) and we agreed he'd move in with me. We had a legal agreement drawn up so it was clear he had no claim on my house. He paid me something towards bills etc.

2. we then bought a house together. We had another agreement setting out how it was to be divided if we split up. This house was beyond his financial means (I was at the time and always did earn about 3 x more than him) but I was happy to take the majority of the cost of stamp duty, deposit etc as I had money in savings. I paid the mortgage and bills and he gave me a contribution equal to about 30%. We did work to the house that I paid for, c£40k. He didn't pay anything as he couldn't afford to. We then sold this house and I didn't recoup the ,ones I'd spent on renovations as we sold sooner than planned to buy a larger house.

3. he was the motivating force to buy a larger house. I paid the stamp duty £30k, deposit etc. We'd got married by this point and had a prenup. This meant he would walk away with nothing as he'd put nothing in.

4. I spent money renovating that house, the costs run into 100's of thousands, I paid for all of this myself. He made no contribution as he was unable to afford to. We had a child in this time and agreed a postnup to give him a lump sum should we divorce, but again, based on the fact he'd put nothing in. He paid about 20% of household bills, but I paid the whole of the mortgage, paid for holidays, weekly shopping, bought him two cars in this period, etc.

5. were now divorced, he got what the postnup said, plus I agreed to double this when he pleaded poverty months later after everything was agreed and legally binding in court etc. We share custody 50/50 and there is no maintenance. He's still asking me for more money 2 years later.......

Thoughts? Have I been taken for a ride, or was this just a man who didn't earn the same as me, who couldn't afford the lifestyle I was able to provide?

Wowsers. I'm amazed you have to ask...

This man has made thousands and thousands of £ out of you, and yet he's STILL pleading poverty? What does he do with money, literally burn it?

I don't understand why you agreed to double the postnuptial agreement but that's up to you. But the rest to it... just wow.

He may in fact be The Ultimate Cocklodger!!!

Honestly, if you were the man in the relationship and your exdh was the woman, people would say that that is how relationships work.

It's really difficult to tell, on a forum, the tiny details that make this a normal relationship where one earns more and takes on more financial load, or if he was cocklodger.

Oh and a lot of people would say the you didn't buy him any cars, holiday etc

You were married and as such, it's joint money. Not sure I agree with that point of view though.

Was he the main carer of the child?

No, we shared childcare responsibilities.

Yes, I get the point about it being viewed as shared money and a partnership etc. That's why I am asking if I'm being a bit overdramatic and just trying to make myself feel better for saying no to his current demands.

This is cocklodgering at it's finest, your post shoulf be the 'script' for all cocklodgers.

Don't give him another penny.

When together it was a partnership, although if it was him pushing for bigger house and expensive renovation than he'd a bit of a cheek.
Now, he's being extremely fucking cheeky to be asking ex-wife to contribute to his living expenses. If he's asking for contribution towards child now and again I'd consider it, but demanding money? No fucking way!! If he can't budget that's his issue. If he wants more cash, he needs to pull his finger out and work for it like everyone else.

You are no longer partners, you are co-parents only and that does NOT entail subsidising him. Stop being his piggy bank and stop feeling bad about it.

I'd have backed away from the relationship at 1)

I don't think you should give into the demands for more.

Regardless of wether it's viewed as him as a cocklodger or partnership.

I just can't imagine a woman being told she was taking her ex husband for a ride, if the situations were reversed.

I don't know about cocklodger but you've been more than generous, what are his latest demands?

It’s another level, he’s cocklodging whilst living out!! Don’t give the sod any more money.

Does he work? Does he work full time? Could he get a better job?
Is the money for the child?

If he's struggling to keep a roof over your child's head and food on the table I'd give him something (ie maintenance) if it is easily affordable. Otherwise, no.

Yeah, he is a cocklodger and you are perfectly fine to give him no more money.
But...if you are still cordial with him, if you still have the feeling of him always being the father of your child and not wanting him to struggle and it won’t hurt you financially, you could give him some money if you wanted to.
If you absolutely don’t want to or it would hurt financially, don’t.
Families come in all different guises and if you still have warmth towards him as your child’s dad, don’t let convention put you off doing a good thing, if you believe it to be a good thing.

Yes, if this were the other way round genderwise would the XW be a pussylodger? I don't think so.

But, you have absolutely no obligation to pay him anything more now you're divorced.

Go right right back to the beginning...

he had to sell his house to pay his debts, and it still wasn't enough to fully cover them? So he was going to go bankrupt?

How the hell did he manage to run up so many debts? Sounds like he's completely shit with money, ignoring any of the subsequent cocklodgery.

Yes, asking you for money 2 years after divorce; cocklodger.

How did he end up with so much debt? What does he spend his money on? Does he actually work full time at a regular job or was he one of those dabblers?

Yes, he does work but I've never understood where all his money goes.

He was in debt after his last relationship broke down. His ex left him with lots of debt.

I get what people say about, if the roles were reversed, and it's not as usual I guess for the wife to earn so much more, but it does happen.

I'm sure some will read this and be exasperated that I'm doubting myself, but he is very adept at making me feel guilty about the life he once had, and now doesn't. He can't even come to my house as it reminds him that he no longer has the prospect of a "comfortable retirement" (his words not mine)

Thanks to all who took time to reply

Flip the genders and see how the answers turn out

Well done for being so foresighted as to ensure that you had a pre-nup and a post-nup.

I wouldn't necessarily believe that his ex left him with debts...More like he was and still is bad at managing money...Easy to blame an ex. Do not feel bad about not throwing good money after bad.
You are not responsible for him x

Your a bloody mug and if you were a man I’d tell you the same thing.

I think that was all fair enough while you were in a relationship but he shouldn’t have expected more than agreed and there’s no reason you should give him money now.

he's a Dick... and is playing you like a finely tuned fiddle

His ex left him with lots of debt.

And you know this because a) he told you so and b) he's so marvellous with money it must be true.

Think about it, OP!

Yes, he does work but I've never understood where all his money goes.

It'll be one of the following:

1. Alcohol
2. Gambling
3. Whores
4. Doesn't understand he has a budget and still buys expensive shit he can't afford on a credit card, then can't pay the minimum payment because he's spunked his salary on a pair of Dr Dre Beats headphones for no fucking reason whatsoever

Feel thankful you have kicked this dickhead out of your life. It's been 5 years for me and I'm still grateful every day the post drops onto the mat and I don't have to think "Oh god, which summonses and Final Demands am I going to have to pay today?"

I'm reading your replies and it's like being hit round the face with the Mumsnet wet fish of wisdom....,,

He had a credit card in my name, well a card on my account if you know what I mean. He spent on it, I paid it off.....Jesus I'm face palming myself even writing this....