Was he a cocklodger or am I being dramatic?

[SerialThriller]

Ok, bear with me people, I'm new to this and starting to wonder if I am being overly dramatic and just retro fitting this label because my relationship has come to an end....

So, was he a cocklodger?

1. When we met we both had houses. Mine worth about twice his, but same size just different locations. His house was up for sale as he needed to release equity to pay off debts. He was unable to pay off from the sale and planned to go into rented accommodation. He was on the point of being declared bankrupt. I paid off his debts (I know) and we agreed he'd move in with me. We had a legal agreement drawn up so it was clear he had no claim on my house. He paid me something towards bills etc.

2. we then bought a house together. We had another agreement setting out how it was to be divided if we split up. This house was beyond his financial means (I was at the time and always did earn about 3 x more than him) but I was happy to take the majority of the cost of stamp duty, deposit etc as I had money in savings. I paid the mortgage and bills and he gave me a contribution equal to about 30%. We did work to the house that I paid for, c£40k. He didn't pay anything as he couldn't afford to. We then sold this house and I didn't recoup the ,ones I'd spent on renovations as we sold sooner than planned to buy a larger house.

3. he was the motivating force to buy a larger house. I paid the stamp duty £30k, deposit etc. We'd got married by this point and had a prenup. This meant he would walk away with nothing as he'd put nothing in.

4. I spent money renovating that house, the costs run into 100's of thousands, I paid for all of this myself. He made no contribution as he was unable to afford to. We had a child in this time and agreed a postnup to give him a lump sum should we divorce, but again, based on the fact he'd put nothing in. He paid about 20% of household bills, but I paid the whole of the mortgage, paid for holidays, weekly shopping, bought him two cars in this period, etc.

5. were now divorced, he got what the postnup said, plus I agreed to double this when he pleaded poverty months later after everything was agreed and legally binding in court etc. We share custody 50/50 and there is no maintenance. He's still asking me for more money 2 years later.......

Thoughts? Have I been taken for a ride, or was this just a man who didn't earn the same as me, who couldn't afford the lifestyle I was able to provide?

post divorce requests I am not ok with.

On this face of it, he has no leverage so it would seem to be entirely up to you to stop funding him. I suppose I am wondering whether there is honestly holding you back from turning off the tap? Since you have been generous, I think I can see why he keeps asking, even those his are not the actions of an independent adult, more like a teenager, in the spirit of worth a try.

Only you can show him, that it is no longer worth asking. Are you reluctant to do this, or does it feel like a weight off your shoulders?

Already said no to further requests. In a very clear and robust manner. I've stood my ground consistently now for a while but the requests still come intermittently which is why I started the thread. The emotional blackmail that accompanied the requests works a treat on me, makes me doubt myself (hence the thread).

I know it's rather lame seeking validation from strangers on Mumsnet to make me feel better, but that's the truth

Being removed from a situation generally means the best advice can be given. We have no emotional connection to you or to him so can view it dispassionately. That is what is good about asking advice from strangers.

I think the divorce settlement etc is what it is and you can’t go back on it. He’s done very well out of it, but you were married and a partnership along with a family and dc.

But now you are not married, or together and parent 50/50 he’s severely taking the piss asking for more. Tell him to f@@k off, when he divorced you, he also don’t voiced your bank account, about time he stood on his own two feet

Ok OP if your ex hadn’t met you what would he have? Debt that he was still paying off and no house. No nice post nup payment and would be renting a house anyway. In fact he would have less because If I’ve got it right he paid 1/5 of bills? No mortgage though. So just basics really then? Gas electric etc which he would have paid MORE for if he had of lived alone.

He is better off from the marriage. He got out of it much more than he put in financially, so long as he has a roof over his head for your children (doesn’t need to be owned) and food on the table I wouldn’t be giving him another penny.

Nothing wrong with checking out your ideas. The fact that you are open to considering that there may be reasonable viewpoints other than your own makes you more reasonable person, imho

Where better than on Mumsnet ?

You have also posted about this earlier in the week, did those replies not help?

Thanks again for recent contributions-I'm still reading with interest and enjoying the frankness

Wow,,err,,and are you single now?

No not single now, met someone lovely

But the cocklodger and indeed a lot of other peoples ex's were lovely once..

I think the arrangements you had during the relationship while unusual, were fine. Demanding anything more from you is not.

Limpopobongo - your point being?

Well i'm not sure im trying to make a point.

I am just musing at how often relationships meander. They start off full of joy,hope and wonderment and can often end up in boredom,resentment ,acrimony and worse. Of course not all of them are like that and i guess a good dollop of understanding and tolerance is required along the way.

Out of interest...how much is he asking for?

Wow. He's King of the Cocklodgers! I'm a heady blend of disgusted and impressed by him. As for you, well, love is blind and it makes us crazy and do crazy things. But you don't love him any more so next time he requests money I would just reply with "lol".

I don't think he is a cocklodger tbh from the details you have provided. You can identify a cock lodger by the fact he doesn't work or hardly works, and also does little to no housework or childcare. If a partner does a fair share of the house work and child care, and works a job (if possible), but earns less, that isn't a CL. He sounds extremely irresponsible with money, which is a bad personality trait, but different to being to CL.