Was he a cocklodger or am I being dramatic?

[SerialThriller]

Ok, bear with me people, I'm new to this and starting to wonder if I am being overly dramatic and just retro fitting this label because my relationship has come to an end....

So, was he a cocklodger?

1. When we met we both had houses. Mine worth about twice his, but same size just different locations. His house was up for sale as he needed to release equity to pay off debts. He was unable to pay off from the sale and planned to go into rented accommodation. He was on the point of being declared bankrupt. I paid off his debts (I know) and we agreed he'd move in with me. We had a legal agreement drawn up so it was clear he had no claim on my house. He paid me something towards bills etc.

2. we then bought a house together. We had another agreement setting out how it was to be divided if we split up. This house was beyond his financial means (I was at the time and always did earn about 3 x more than him) but I was happy to take the majority of the cost of stamp duty, deposit etc as I had money in savings. I paid the mortgage and bills and he gave me a contribution equal to about 30%. We did work to the house that I paid for, c£40k. He didn't pay anything as he couldn't afford to. We then sold this house and I didn't recoup the ,ones I'd spent on renovations as we sold sooner than planned to buy a larger house.

3. he was the motivating force to buy a larger house. I paid the stamp duty £30k, deposit etc. We'd got married by this point and had a prenup. This meant he would walk away with nothing as he'd put nothing in.

4. I spent money renovating that house, the costs run into 100's of thousands, I paid for all of this myself. He made no contribution as he was unable to afford to. We had a child in this time and agreed a postnup to give him a lump sum should we divorce, but again, based on the fact he'd put nothing in. He paid about 20% of household bills, but I paid the whole of the mortgage, paid for holidays, weekly shopping, bought him two cars in this period, etc.

5. were now divorced, he got what the postnup said, plus I agreed to double this when he pleaded poverty months later after everything was agreed and legally binding in court etc. We share custody 50/50 and there is no maintenance. He's still asking me for more money 2 years later.......

Thoughts? Have I been taken for a ride, or was this just a man who didn't earn the same as me, who couldn't afford the lifestyle I was able to provide?

Today's the day you wake up to this guy, OP.

Re-read everything you've said here. Keep typing. Be absolutely brutally honest.

The fact you were still giving him money two years later shows you still believe he's an OK guy. He's really not.

The credit card was cut up when we split up

There is lots more examples, but suffice to say today is that day I wake up … actually I woke up months ago, but his most recent request for even more money to help him buy his own house, has stirred me into more questioning of what went on in the past.

Don't give this money-grabbing, bloodsucking twat another penny.

If you really want to spend your hard earned money why not donate it to a worthy cause? At least you know it's going to good use then!

But in all seriousness, it's not nice to see someone being used like this. Tell him no, if he wants money he should go to work like the rest of us, you don't owe him a penny

He saw you from miles off love, targeting you and taking you for whatever he could get

He can't even come to my house as it reminds him that he no longer has the prospect of a "comfortable retirement" (his words not mine)

that's his own doing. You don't owe him a comfortable retirement! He needs to work and save for it himself. He saw you a blank cheque op. Time to cut him off.

He's probably earned more out of you than many ppl do in their annual salary

Just you carry on saying no to this nonentity and don't feel guilty. I'd say don't think of him as a cocklodger cos that might make you feel bad about yourself. He was a mistake.

What's the final maths op? How much more or less are you now worth? In other words how much have you lost or has your property investment covered the cost of paying him off?

I sat and worked it out recently.....what would have been his share had he paid 50% and therefore what did I pay on his behalf. It shocked me but helped me to say in very certain terms to him, that there is no. more. money. due.

At the time I was happy to do this. I didn't really give it much thought. It's only after the relationship ended that his sense of entitlement for maintaining this lifestyle I provided that he can no longer afford, this has infuriated me

It's easy to fall into the trap of paying for things when you are a couple. You want so desperately to believe that they are a good person who's just been caught up in circumstances beyond their control that spiralled. Well sometimes the circumstances were set up by that person and the reason they spiralled was because they have absolutely no sense of personal responsibility.

Sounds like you are on the road to cosmic wisdom here, OP. The wet fish of Mumsnet strikes again!

But I thought cocklodgers were only called so if they didn't work and expected the partner to pay for everything.

Why on earth would you be paying him any more money? He saw you coming didn't he? He ought to be paying you child maintenance!

Thanks for all your replies.

For clarity. There is no more money going to him. None, nada. Zilch. No. None. No more.

This is what marriage is its a partnership were you forced to buy him gifts etc? If you earn more of course you pay more.

There is no more money going to him. None, nada. Zilch. No. None. No more.

Glad to read this, now go and live a wonderful life, All the best

Can't comment on what his motivations were. Your relationship seems to have lasted a fair amount of time so presumably there was love there and he wasn't merely in it for the money.

I earn considerably more than my husband and our assets (house, car etc) are of the "calibre" (for want of a better word) that they are due to my income and savings, not his. I have also paid off some historic debts of his. I meet around 65% of household expenses against his 35%. So not dissimilar to your situation.

My husband stays home with the kids part time and works part time. I work full time.

But there's love in our marriage and I wouldn't change a thing. If our situations were reversed, nobody would bat an eye.

Having said all that, the fact that he's asking for more money constantly is troubling.

His ex had left him with debts when you met him ?

Who told you that ? Him ?

Just tell him that you have been more than generous and he has already had more then he was legal entitled to. If he want to continue the lifestyle he had then he will have to pay for it himself as he is not your financial responsibility anymore. Two years on and still leeching is wrong. Do not allow him to leech of you anymore.

Enjoy your hard earned money yourself!

Well I don’t usually do the whole “ switcheroo” situation but I truly don’t get the whole cocklodger situation to be honest. You’re an obviously a switched on lady - you’ve protected your assets admirably. You protected yourself from the first time you met him.... and despite all his financial failings you married him and had children with him so there was obviously something about him that was attractive. It just seems to me that you massively outearned him and paid for your lifestyle in the same way that a man would do / does do if the roles were reversed. And now you’re experiencing someone out to get as much money as they can - just as happens every single day with some women. I’m confident that you have the wherewithal to manage these demands appropriately.

Yes I agree, while we were together I was happy to do what I did. Putting aside the reasons we've divorced, it's his post divorce requests I am not ok with.

Can't say for sure. But unless he compromised his career post baby/to be with you or lost a realistic chance to marry better you really don't owe him anything.