9 months pregnant and another woman is trying to destroy my marriage

[Ree101]

I don't know why I'm posting this... I suppose I need to vent, and I'm interested in what people think.

Long story short... my husband made friends with a female colleague (let's call her Anita) who joined his firm a few months ago. He talked about her to me sometimes - she's a few years younger, very junior, and needed someone to put an arm round her. She's from a very strict Indian family and my husband encouraged her to make friends and enjoy the social aspect of their jobs.

Last week he got a call from Anita's parents and sister, from Anita's phone, at midnight. They were calling to say Anita had taken an overdose and that it's his fault she OD'd.

Why? Because of the "affair" he's having with Anita, coupled with the fact he has led her astray by inviting her to team drinks and basically being a part of the new life she has started to create for herself.

Anita's family threatened the following:

1. destroy his career (as he has "taken advantage of an addict")
2. destroy his marriage to me, by ensuring I see proof of the affair and therefore leave him
3. ensure he never gets to see his child (I'm 9 months pregnant and they know this)
4. have him killed by "Jamaican drug lords who will do anything they tell them"

To make sure I see evidence of the alleged affair, I've had Anita's sister add me to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I blocked her on Facebook but I've let her access me on the other platforms, as if she has as much evidence as she claims, I'd love to see it. My husband is curious to see what they come up with as he is adamant that they have not so much as kissed, whereas the family reckon they have messages of Anita and my husband expressing their love for one another.

Anita emailed my husband saying this is all her fault, she's sorry, and she'll be back at work tomorrow so she wants to talk to him by phone. He's not going to the office - he is working from home given I'm due to give birth in 2 days. Anita said she made her family swear to leave us alone but here we are with Anita's sister adding me to every social media platform going.

This is really stressing me out and upsetting me even though I don't believe my husband has been having an affair with Anita.

What kind of woman deliberately sets out to devastate a woman who's 9 months pregnant??

Ree101 it can't go back to normal at work. It's an outlandish situation. & as unfortunate as gossip is, it does happen. This will come out and affect office dynamics.

Again, a study in.kerping it professional at work.

The police do need to sort it albeit eventually there may be done uncomfortable realisations for you eg if there are messages between Anita and your DH, they will.surely find them, even if they've been deleted.

Nonr of it adds up.

At 9 months pregnant you don't need all this. I hope you can look after yourself and look forward to your new baby

Let him sort it out.

I can’t see what wasn’t professional Mist.

Ebony we aren't in a court of law, don't be dramatic.

I just don't buy the young woman with deranged family and the innocent man story

Contrary to MN belief if you don't immediately believe the man's innocrnce, this doesn't mean I think "This Man Has Had An Affair!"

Simply that, I think along the way he's been unprofessional.

I'm not naive about real.life.

That's all.

Simply that, I think along the way he's been unprofessional.

By having contact with her?

It's all very dramatic. I'm struggling to believe her father risked his entire career and business to make threats.

I do agree with Mistress that your DH has been very unprofessional. I'm surprised HR have jumped to his defence without any investigation. Hopefully they will look into the matter fully and not just rally to support the senior staff member at the expense of the junior, vulnerable woman.

As for waiting for messages, I would follow the sister back and message her directly. There's either proof or there isn't. I'd want to see what they had.

I don't think OP husband is having an affair, I do think Anita thought that OP DH was away out of her life.

As for OP try to put this out of your mind and concentrate on you and your baby for now.

You have both done all the right things...If it was my husband I would believe him too. So sorry this has happened, if you can try to ignore and focus on your birth, and your new little family.

I just don't buy the young woman with deranged family and the innocent man story

You have little understanding of the family she comes from and how very strict they can be.

I don't think your DH has been unprofessional. He was trying to be friendly to a new employee.

Just because this situation isn't simple and basic, doesn't make it unbelievable.

The comment about a naff excuse (Asian family) just shows the lack of awareness of the extremes in other cultures.

They can be very controlling.

I don’t mean to be offensive mistress but your claim of racism when people are talking about how strict some (most definitely not all) Asian families can be is naive at best and at worst very ignorant. You have obviously never met anyone from a very traditional family, I worked with a woman who concealed the purchase of a home and marriage to a man from a different religion due to how terrified she was to tell her strict parents. When she eventually told them they were horrific to her and it caused her to lose her job as she couldn’t cope and she has never been allowed back into her families home.

It’s clear to me that OP your husband has been just caught up in a situation where Anita’s parents have discovered and are unhappy with their daughters life. The threats must be terrifying but from what I have seen from working with people from strict families is that it always ends up worse for the child and threats are probably just to scare your husband off. It really is Anita I would be concerned for in this situation.

Truffle I'm not white. Believe me - I know all about traditional families. & ignorant stereotypes...

In this scenario a young, single, strictly raised woman gets close to an older male married colleague. Shit hits the fan then suddenly it's this huge elaborate story involving Jamaican drug lords, mad pharmacists, stalking, God knows what else.

This man is immediately deemed the innocent victim and cultural differences are very conveniently raised as part of the reason for the whole incident.

I wouldn't like to be him, explaining such a story to HR. If they do fully support him as he claims, then they will do so on the back of believing the stereotype of strict Asian girl with mad family.

Always the woman's fault, eh?

Puzzling that the father as a Pharmacist would risk his career and make it known he has Jamaican drugs lords as mates.

How did they find out about this Mr Innocent and Anita anyway? Since he claims they've never messaged each other? 🙄

Anyway...I'm sure there's a pig flying past my window

Sorry but I'm airing towards Mistress's thinking....

"Full support of the firm" after one phone call and zero investigation - my eye

Something doesn't add up here?

this is all sounds insane but what I will say, I work in finance with a lot of indian/pakistani people and there is so much truth to the stereotype. I have friends pretending to live with a girl when really they've got a boyfriend (christian instead of hindu so cannot tell the family). There's people pretending they don't drink, hiding things from their parents, it's believable that her family is insane. But I also think you'd be naive to take everything at face value that your DP is saying.

MistressDeeCee, you're getting quite a few things wrong / misunderstanding some of what I've said.

Not sure why I feel the need to correct you and defend our position but I will do.

Firstly, my husband has never claimed there are no messages between him and Anita. There are. I've seen them. But there's nothing in them to suggest they're having an affair. It's all silly memes, World Cup chat, arranging to go to the pub, needing a glass of wine after a crap day and talking about feeling hungover.

Secondly, explaining the story to HR, his seniors at work and the police has been a crucial part of the process and not something that has been difficult or made him squirm at all. He has it IN WRITING from Anita that "this is all her fault", she "didn't mean to cause this hurt" and she has made her parents "swear" not to carry out the threats.

Having written confirmation that threats were made against my husband and I was a game changer and her emails made him feel vindicated.

She asked to phone him to explain but he blocked her number. He won't talk to her without HR present, as I mentioned before.

I don't know why her mad father would make threats that COULD risk his livelihood as a pharmacist, but haven't we all said ridiculous things in the heat of the moment? Maybe he really had just come out of hospital having seen his daughter take an overdose and his head was all over the shop. Whatever - he said it. My husband would not have made that up! As it happens there won't be any repercussions for him saying it as we decided we didn't need the police to pay the family a visit right now, but would change our mind if the threats were:

A) repeated, constituting harassment or
B) carried out in some way e.g. if my husband was attacked (God forbid).

Still nothing from the sister. A poster above said she's probably just looking to snoop, and I'm inclined to agree. There has been ample time to send me her "evidence" or tag me in posts etc. and all it seems she has done is have a look at my photos.

I don't think I am getting things wrong, OP. Just based on post it's such a far fetched story with herrings thrown in. & one-sided to say the least.

Mine is just an opinion tho amongst others. I may be right I may be wrong. Main thing is I feel your DH has acted unprofessionally along the way and as you're due to give birth soon hence enough on your plate I should think - he should sort this mess out completely, so that you have peace.

After all if it's happened as he says, both police and HR will be hot on the case won't they? That will help.

I hope you get time to relax

In a previous career I would occasionally hand out leaflets for my company. I experienced, a number of times, older Muslim women spitting at and berating my female Muslim colleagues in the high street because (as the colleagues explained it to me) they were being “accompanied” by a man who was unrelated to them. We were all in branded clothing, all clearly working rather than socialising but that didn’t make any difference.

Bigotry is a game anyone can play, regardless of ethnicity, gender or religion (or lack of it) and almost anyone is capable of doing amazingly stupid things with very little provocation. What OP has described doesn’t surprise me a bit, and nor does the idea that all her DH was doing was being friendly.

You should have provided the sister with an email address. Block her immediately and tighten your privacy and location settings.

Both HR and the police are already hot on the case and have been since mere hours after the phone call came through.

My email address is actually really easy to get hold of. The sister knows my full name and I run my own company, so I'm an easy person to contact. I will block her in order that she cannot see my location or find anything out about my impending labour.

I went thru something stressful when I was 9 months pregnant. My OH left me for his ex a week before I gave birth. He'd been sleeping with her since he went to visit his other children while I was 6 months pregnant. His ex had been harassing me and making up lies about me so I have barely any support from the friends I had who believed her. She rings the police on me at least once a month to make sure he won't want to come back. It's the worst thing I've ever been thru but had to keep going for my baby. 19 months later, it still hurts like hell but I'm in a better place mentally. It's the worst thing to torment someone while they're pregnant, especially so heavily and the bitch that's doing this to you knows you're pregnant and vulnerable. It does sound like she's a psycho. Anyone with links to Jamaican drug lords wouldn't mention their connection because that's the first thing they'd get annoyed about, being dragged into a stupid woman's personal argument, a woman that will happily brag about knowing such people. The first rule of fightclub?! That's clearly bullshit! Unless she has proof, that sounds like crap too, funny how she mouths off about having proof but surely she would've showed you by now? Please don't listen to her, these girls who like to destroy pregnant women's lives really are the scum of the earth! I don't think your husband had been unfaithful, just sounds like misguided friendship, maybe he was just being nice and she took it the wrong way and couldn't handle that he was already taken.
I think you should block everyone that isn't 100% on your side and enjoy your last days of pregnancy with your husband. She'll get the message eventually! The only thing that matters is you and your baby!
Hope things work out for you! You won't be pregnant forever, you can knock the lies out of her after! Just concentrate on you xxxx

You don't need to put up with this at 9 months pregnant. Take the threats to the police ASAP. That is so uncalled for. Don't think he's done anything wrong but this 'Anita' sounds like a bloody loonball if she's been saying things to her family or her family are making things up and you'll never know for what reason. Probably because they aren't happy with how she's living her life? Nevertheless phone and report the threats.

Didn't see your update. That's good. Let us know how things go and good luck with the baby!!

Please don't take doubters to heart, Ree101. It's perfectly obvious that your DH is entirely innocent in this, and I imagine it will be resolved fairly shortly

In the meantime try to relax. Perhaps you could go swimming or something else soothing? It depends how you feel at this stage in your pregnancy. I spent weeks of one steaming hot summer lying in a child's paddling pool in the garden.

For a variety of reasons that I can't specify or they will entirely out me I actually know an Indian family who would very very much behave like this, including the threats and the contacts ( although in their case massive racism to anyone black but that's I assume specific to them )

I think you've don't the right thing informing the police and HE

Working on the balance of probability and evidence currently there is not anything detracting from what your DH has said and at this point of pregnancy o would say stick to facts and try not to second guess

As hard as it is focus on you and the baby ...that beyond anything is the most important thing

I'm sorry about the young girls situation and of course if she can be helped ...do what you can but I'm slightly agog at posters jumping on and worrying about her

9 months pregnant you are vulnerable so try and take care of yourself...ultimately the baby comes first and literally everything else can be resolved but your DH does need to take control of it

Main thing is I feel your DH has acted unprofessionally along the way

In what bloody way?! Talking to a colleague? Are you one of those people who thinks talking to the opposite sex is cheating?

Is Anita using a stereo type of an 'indian' family to get what she wants? I don't know what she would want... perhaps drama?

I have Indian family and friends and have never heard anything so absurd.

OP, I’m not Indian, but come from a slightly similar cultural background and have many asian friends including Indians. What you described as your husband telling you, can easily happen! I’m so glad in this scenario your husband seems to be so honest and open with you.

It’s actually sad, because coming from traditionally stricter backgrounds, sometimes when starting a new job role, people are curious about your background. I’ve always been very happy and open to share, and luckily my family have never been AS strict, but they do have a limit. I don’t think what your husband done was wrong at all as I have seen it many times, and I can see how he just wanted to include her and make her feel a part of the team. Especially after her sharing her background with him. And for everyone saying it’s unprofessional, don’t you make friends at work? Share stories? Go for team drinks, etc. That’s normal in the work place and actually what makes people bond and enjoy their job more. Also in a lot (not all) of asian families, if they see you talking to, messaging, or hear you have been out with a man they will simply assume that it is a relationship. That is probably enough proof especially for a father.

Also regarding the Jamaican drug lord thing. I can see why people may think it’s far fetched. But, when it comes to a father thinking his daughter has a relationship with someone, he will threaten with all sorts. He hasn’t had time to think or probably care about repercussions of his threats. I can very much see that threat happening, but I’m sure now as he would have calmed down he would be doing nothing of the sort. If he truly still believed it, I’m sure she wouldn’t be allowed back in work through her family!

Lastly, please please please OP delete and block her sister from all social media accounts! If she had anything she would have sent them by now! You are giving her access to your entire life. Now she can share information with you about yourself pretending they found out through your husband, but actually found out through your social media! They will mess with your head. For your own sanity