9 months pregnant and another woman is trying to destroy my marriage

[Ree101]

I don't know why I'm posting this... I suppose I need to vent, and I'm interested in what people think.

Long story short... my husband made friends with a female colleague (let's call her Anita) who joined his firm a few months ago. He talked about her to me sometimes - she's a few years younger, very junior, and needed someone to put an arm round her. She's from a very strict Indian family and my husband encouraged her to make friends and enjoy the social aspect of their jobs.

Last week he got a call from Anita's parents and sister, from Anita's phone, at midnight. They were calling to say Anita had taken an overdose and that it's his fault she OD'd.

Why? Because of the "affair" he's having with Anita, coupled with the fact he has led her astray by inviting her to team drinks and basically being a part of the new life she has started to create for herself.

Anita's family threatened the following:

1. destroy his career (as he has "taken advantage of an addict")
2. destroy his marriage to me, by ensuring I see proof of the affair and therefore leave him
3. ensure he never gets to see his child (I'm 9 months pregnant and they know this)
4. have him killed by "Jamaican drug lords who will do anything they tell them"

To make sure I see evidence of the alleged affair, I've had Anita's sister add me to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I blocked her on Facebook but I've let her access me on the other platforms, as if she has as much evidence as she claims, I'd love to see it. My husband is curious to see what they come up with as he is adamant that they have not so much as kissed, whereas the family reckon they have messages of Anita and my husband expressing their love for one another.

Anita emailed my husband saying this is all her fault, she's sorry, and she'll be back at work tomorrow so she wants to talk to him by phone. He's not going to the office - he is working from home given I'm due to give birth in 2 days. Anita said she made her family swear to leave us alone but here we are with Anita's sister adding me to every social media platform going.

This is really stressing me out and upsetting me even though I don't believe my husband has been having an affair with Anita.

What kind of woman deliberately sets out to devastate a woman who's 9 months pregnant??

I would be worried about Anita to be honest.

It's really not clear what this woman has done wrong here. Sorry op this must be really stressful but I'm currently quite concerned for this woman. Her family sound batshit

Not being harsh, but honestly the welfare of Anita is of no concern to the op in this situation.

Whether she is being abused or not is irrelevant here. The husband has had threats against his life. Whether that is Anita's fault or not remains to be seen, but it is the police who should deal with it and who should be concerned, no one else. Your husband needs to protect himself, you and your unborn child. Not Anita. She is of no concern to you.

Your husband needs to tell the police tonight. And in the morning tell HR. And have no further contact with Anita or her family. No messages, no phone calls, nothing. Let the police handle it, it is not your concern.

I’d want to see the evidence they have

In this instance I would definitely phone 101 and report. At the least they have a record of the harassment, but if Anita is suffering at the hands of her family then it could allow her to access help.
I really feel for you having to deal with all of this at this time OP

Call the police, for everyone's sake not least Anita's, and make sure that HR are made aware tomorrow. Your husband will have no worries about doing either of those things if he is innocent.

Then, look after yourself. Good luck with the birth.

Another voice saying being concerned for Anita.

By all means, check everything out and make sure your own back is covered and that your Husband is in the clear (both with you and with work etc) but strict religious families can sometimes end in very extreme ways... around my area "mercy killings" are sadly not unusual in similar circumstances.

It's not likely to escalate to that, but unfortunately its not beyond possibility.

Thank you all for your responses.

Many of you mentioned involving the police and HR. That was the first thing we did as soon as my husband got off the phone and told me what had happened (I was asleep when his phone rang).

I've never seen him so shaken and upset.

We rang the non-emergency police number and they sent officers round the next day. My husband told them everything and was very keen to ensure it was all recorded in a crime report, but he asked them not to go round to talk to the family UNLESS the threats didn't stop.

He rang HR as soon as his office opened and told them everything too. He also rang the senior leaders in his department. They have been fantastic and extremely supportive of him. They told him he has the "full weight of the firm behind him" and they will support us emotionally, legally and physically if we truly felt our security was at risk (which we did at one point as Anita knows which village we live in and could have told her family).

There may well be a time when my husband and Anita are working in the same office together again, and he thinks she'll likely try again to explain herself to him if that happens. My husband feels that he would listen to her explanation BUT only if there is a third party e.g. someone from HR in the room with them.

I have seen messages that he exchanged with Anita before all this happened and there's nothing concerning from my perspective - but there is talk of meeting for drinks after work, being hungover the next day etc. which I'm guessing would anger her strict parents.

I realise that he could have simply deleted any lovey dovey or explicit messages. He is very happy for me to go through his phone and bank statements if and when I ask for them. When she sent him 2 emails to try to talk to him on Friday, he called me over right away and we opened and read them together. He wouldn't have done that if the emails could say something like "my parents found out we're sleeping together / in a relationship".

I really, truly believe my husband wouldn't let me go through this while holding anything back. If he'd had an affair or a one night stand, he would at least have the decency and the balls to own up to it. He has spent the last few days fearing for his life, his career, his reputation at work and the affect this is having on his wife and unborn child.

For those concerned for Anita's welfare, my husband and I feel the same. Indeed she had previously told him just how oppressive and suffocating her family are, and she also told him her ex-boyfriend (who's from a similarly traditional family) was abusive to her. But truthfully, my husband is in no mood to try to help her given what she has put us through. He thought he was helping before by inviting her to team drinks and being a friendly face in the office, and look where that has got him. We don't know what is true and what isn't - for example the family say she's an addict who was in hospital last Wednesday following an OD, but Friday's emails made no mention of that.

Incidentally it's been 15 hours since Anita's sister tracked me down on social media and she's done nothing except "follow" me. I haven't had any messages.

What an appalling situation, Ree101. It seems clear that your DH is entirely innocent in this. I hope Anita is OK as this sounds potentially a very sinister situation for her. I wonder if this is some bizarre plan to get your DH to marry her - her family seem to have a sketchy grasp on reality.

No doubt you'll know more tomorrow. Please do try to relax, at least physically. There's nothing you can do at present. At least you and DH are a loving and united front.

Could be the family confronted her about seeing someone and she panicked and named him?

But a lot seems to be going on - the baby, the OD... what a sticky situation

OD or a few too many to drink and her family are overreacting?? Hope things settle down for you--they sound bonkers.

Usually in most posts on Mumsnet, it seems obvious that the husband is cheating but I can honestly say, in this situation, it's clear that he is not.

I would block her sister on every platform. You don't want her to see your location, your usual hangout spots or your baby. If she hasn't contacted you yet, she won't and is just there to snoop.

Don't hesitate to ring 999 if you feel unsafe at any point.

Your husband's transparency with the messages would rule out an affair to me. I'm glad he's notified HR, hopefully they can support Anita and put her in touch with the appropriate agencies to break away from h r family. I wouldn't feel particularly inclined to help her out either given all the trouble her family have caused.

What a mess! Im so sorry you are dealing with this whilst expecting your (first?) child any day. This must be both confusing and terrifying for you - good to see you’ve been in touch with police and HR. Can you put a restraining order on her and her family at all??

Its her fwmily thinking shes gone too far with her social life. They are still pretty bwckwards and are trying to threaten ur husband in other words giving clear signs to back off.

It sounds like an attempt at extortion.
If your Husband contacts the police and his employer to report the attempted extortion then you will know what to think.
If he does not you will also know what to think.

Things don't add up...

Jamaican drug lords and Indians... not adding up.

He may very well be lying and covering his tracks by "doing all the right things" like contacting HR and the police.

Or I could be that your DH has got in 1st with HR so Anita is wrong footed, and perhaps wouldn't go to them anyway

You are in a difficult situation due to your DH not maintaining professionalism at work. He is well aware she is vulnerable, and should have been wary of becoming involved. I suppose it's flattering to be seen as a knight in shining armour by an attractive younger woman

Boundaries haven't been maintained here. That's exactly why his family have her phone number and are able to directly contact making threats, and incredibly,have access to you on FB & social media?!

I'm not fooled by people's thinly veiled racial insults re that standard "strict, mad Indian families" trope. Such a naff stereotype. Your DHs name was not conjured out of thin air and who knows what was said about him?

Yes I bet he's shaken. He had better hope he really does have the full backing of his seniors.All of them. I guess he wants her reputation tarnished and for her to lose her job. How nice.

Hopefully you can and will put yourself first especially now. Don't take on the shitstorm.yoir DH has created, he needs to sort out the mess. Whether innocent or guilty of an actual affair (not saying he's had an affair) he is wrong here. Keep it professional is always the best way at work

I don’t know what you’re blaming poor Anita for. It seems to me that the OTT stuff from the family was an attempt to wring an admission from your DH because they suspect something. Anita could be in trouble.

I don't think it sounds like she has set out to destroy you, or that your husband has done anything wrong. It does sound like she is a victim of her family though.

MistressDeeCee, he does not want her reputation tarnished and for her to lose her job. All he wants is for this to be over and have everything go back to normal. He doesn't want anything to do with her, but he doesn't wish her any harm either.

The whole "strict, mad Indian families" thing may be a "naff stereotype to you" but in this case it has been a recurring theme in the friendship Anita and my husband had. He had empathy for her because she had ambitions beyond being her family's good little obedient daughter. I've given him a hard time about the fact he took her under his wing somewhat and indulged her stories about her family and ex-boyfriend because I think you're right and he did enjoy playing the knight in shining armour.

The police also thought the whole "Jamaican drug lord" thing was strange. The reason Anita's dad mentioned that he (allegedly) has access to that network is that he is a pharmacist, meaning he apparently knows people who would "do anything for a quick fix and that includes putting a knife in you".

It's not hard for her family to find me - they knew my husband's full name so they will have accessed his Facebook page and found mine from there. Then by googling me they've found all my social media platforms. I need to get some sleep and stop checking if she's messaged me, this can't be healthy. I do also think a poster above made a good point about not allowing them to see my posts and location - perhaps I'll block her tomorrow, especially if I still haven't heard from her.

And to everyone thinking the thread title refers to Anita, you're wrong. I realise she's probably a victim of something here too. I'm referring to Anita's sister being out to destroy my marriage, given she told my husband in no uncertain terms that that is her mission.

The police also thought the whole "Jamaican drug lord" thing was strange. The reason Anita's dad mentioned that he (allegedly) has access to that network is that he is a pharmacist, meaning he apparently knows people who would "do anything for a quick fix and that includes putting a knife in you".

So he’s telling you he’s a dodgy pharmacist? Who does what? Sells drugs to yardies? Weirder and weirder.

Sympathy that this is happening a) at all and b) when you are getting ready to give birth and meet your LO.

Mistress, you seem determined to slate the OP’s husband’s seemingly supportive actions towards the woman by twisting it all to present his motivations as all self-serving. You seem to want to find him guilty, despite so much evidence suggesting otherwise. Sounds to me like projection.