Is this husbands happily ever after or will he regret it?

[Lemoncup]

Hi,
For those who have had an affair or been cheated on could you tell me your story? or if you have an opinion I'm just finding it hard to accept that this has happened. I'm not looking for a prediction or anything its just I've convinced myself that this is his happily ever after and its killing me.

We were together 10years, married for 4. He left me 2months ago, he developed feelings for another woman, a much younger, slimmer woman and he wanted to see where that would lead. He also informed me that he had checked out about 4months before we split. We had a baby a year ago and he said he didn't feel wanted anymore, he was just a there to pay the bills and that we had different lives now. All he would say is that he wanted his wife back, I had postnatal depression. He also mentioned that he hated coming home because he didn't feel appreciated, especially when he had someone at work who was 'hanging on his every word'. He told me as well that she reminds him a lot of myself when we first met.
In the first few weeks after we split we were talking everyday, still being intimate behind his gfs back, I know this was wrong so please don't scorn me, she does know. He told me and his gf (separately) that he wished he could go back and fix us, that he regrets being so hasty in ending our marriage and destroying his family but that it was too late the damage had been done. Couple of weeks ago he said he's happy now and that it was the right thing to do with no regrets.
Now he saying that he doesn't feel like he's living his life, that he's just floating along and that none of it feels real. I'm so confused

Side note: He had to emotional affairs behind my back, one whilst pregnant and another 6months after we got married. Also he 'heavily flirted' with a few other women.

Selfish people like your h will be mentally blaming you for the demise of the relationship rather than looking at their own behaviour so won't regret things. If he has a positive thought about you, he'll counteract it with a lie that he's concocted like you don't care about his feelings.

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. My ex-h left me after 14 years of marriage (when our DS was 2) for the nastiest creature I've ever had the misfortune to encounter. I cannot even begin to describe how difficult my life has been at the hands of both them in the five years since.

However, is he happier? It's hard to tell. She's hugely controlling. They work together now, I presume so she can keep him near, she clearly doesn't trust him, our communication is controlled and we will never be able to co-parent properly as she can't bear us having any contact. He looks awful, he has aged terribly, however, she has money and that was always a "thing" for him. He really is a kept man in that sense. She is also a lot older and looks it, so undoubtedly he'll find another cocklodge eventually. He leaves a wake of destruction wherever he goes.

However, on the downside (for him), they can't marry, he has zero assets (I was awarded everything in court proceedings), he has literally nothing to his name, everything is hers. What a position to be in in mid-life. I imagine there are moments of regret, especially in relation to our DS, whose life he has totally fucked up, alongside her, from the outset.

What I will say to you is that you will get past this, I promise. It took me a good four years to recover, it took a look of counselling, the Freedom Programme and huge support from friends and family but I got there in the end. Now I am glad to be rid of the cheating arsehole. He will never change and I am glad that all the crap I put up with during our marriage is now hers to deal with. You reap what you sow in life I find.

Good luck

He has said to me that he regrets the way he treat me and that he wishes he had worked on us instead of ending it. He also expressed up until a few weeks ago that he wishes it was me he was with but that we couldn't be together because it was so hostile and so much had happened and come out. He says he's changing so its not a repeat of us.
Well if they work then I suppose i'm lucky in a sense that she's very meek and wont say a word or try and control him or get in the way of his relationship with DC. In his words she's a doormat. She's been babied and doesn't know how to cook, clean, do washing, money/bills or even make her own appointments. In his words she doesn't have much life experience so she's going to get a shock when his mask drops. Not unless he really has changed

OP, he likes having control over her and had picked somebody who is perfect for the job it seems. That is very clear. Please don't waste any more time on this man. I don't say this lightly, as I know exactly how you are feeling, but he's a waste of your life, waste of your life going forward. He will always be like this, they never change. You, however, have a chance to find your wings and fly. You will!

He really hasn't changed, not as a person. He is simply changing his behaviours for the time being because that's what gets him what he wants right now

Water always rises to its own level so he will return to the same tricks, the same sniffing around other women & having his head turned as soon as this little affair feels stale or boring

You're confusing a momentarily change in action with a personality switch which is hardly possible unless the man has a near death experience or similar

He's not becoming a better person learning from his mistakes, he is using his past mistakes as a way to refine his tricks & how he plays women. I don't think you were the first but you were a very useful test case for him

He will be lovely to this one until he has the control he wants and tires if her and then off he'll pop

If he couldn't stay faithful to the person he married then what makes you think he will to the bit on the side? He created a vacancy by getting with her that he'll fill in time with someone else. On and on and on

The advice on this thread is brilliant! Just what I needed to hear at this moment in time. Really gives me hope for the future

he wishes it was me he was with but that we couldn't be together because it was so hostile and so much had happened and come out. He says he's changing so its not a repeat of us.
This is precisely the kind of mind games that I meant when I said that talking to him will just give you more to torment yourself with.
In saying this, he is trying to make it your fault (for being so inexplicably hostile!) that he simply has no other choice but to be with the OW even though he is such a great guy that he would rather be with you. This is another way in which he tries to preserve his own self-image as a lovely man who is simply misunderstood.
See also www.emotionalaffair.org/psychology-excuses-for-infidelity/

(The same with "Well I might have done something a bit wrong at some point, but I have learned from that, so doing something wrong has actually made me into a much better person!" - again, self-image is all polished up like new.)

He will never be happy. He is at the moment because he has her undivided attention. What happens when she has a baby and he's feeling neglected again, the poor thing?

As soon as you begin to look happy and look like you're getting on without him, feeling back to the old you, he will suddenly have made the worse mistake of his life....

Even if he came back, why would you want that for yourself. He will never be happy so hence he can't make anyone else happy

Sounds like your well shut!

@ravenmum Nailed it

He has said that he knows it's his fault the relationship failed. He's acknowledged everything he did wrong and that he wishes he could change it all. He also apologises profusely for everything he did throughout our marriage and How he handle the break up.
He seemed so cold about it all lately, he says it's because he's burying it, that he has to bury it. Last night he cracked tho, we've decided it's best to completely cut contact and he broke. He was crying and said this is why he has to bury it because it's too hard. I left and i could hear him really sobbing through the door. I just don't understand.
Yesterdsy I asked if he loves his new gf and he says he thinks he does and he's told her he loves her but that hes been caught up at the beginning of a relationship before thinking he's in love and he wasn't. They've been dating about 8weeks. She told him she loved him after 1week.

Ouch

After a week, that's excitement and infatuation. He's old enough to know better.

Christ alive, they sound like a pair of 14 year olds. Let's see how exciting it all is when real life kicks in. It's pitiful. He wants you to feel sorry for him and tell him it's all OK , you understand and validate his shit decisions. Don't. You're better off without this dickhead. You won't realise that now, but you will in time, I promise you.