Is this husbands happily ever after or will he regret it?

[Lemoncup]

Hi,
For those who have had an affair or been cheated on could you tell me your story? or if you have an opinion I'm just finding it hard to accept that this has happened. I'm not looking for a prediction or anything its just I've convinced myself that this is his happily ever after and its killing me.

We were together 10years, married for 4. He left me 2months ago, he developed feelings for another woman, a much younger, slimmer woman and he wanted to see where that would lead. He also informed me that he had checked out about 4months before we split. We had a baby a year ago and he said he didn't feel wanted anymore, he was just a there to pay the bills and that we had different lives now. All he would say is that he wanted his wife back, I had postnatal depression. He also mentioned that he hated coming home because he didn't feel appreciated, especially when he had someone at work who was 'hanging on his every word'. He told me as well that she reminds him a lot of myself when we first met.
In the first few weeks after we split we were talking everyday, still being intimate behind his gfs back, I know this was wrong so please don't scorn me, she does know. He told me and his gf (separately) that he wished he could go back and fix us, that he regrets being so hasty in ending our marriage and destroying his family but that it was too late the damage had been done. Couple of weeks ago he said he's happy now and that it was the right thing to do with no regrets.
Now he saying that he doesn't feel like he's living his life, that he's just floating along and that none of it feels real. I'm so confused

Side note: He had to emotional affairs behind my back, one whilst pregnant and another 6months after we got married. Also he 'heavily flirted' with a few other women.

Look at it this way

If you’d been addicted to heroin you’d feel like you needed it.

Doesn’t mean it would be good for you though.

I've been in a similar 'relationship place' to where you are but fortunately no children. It was similar in the sense of that feeling of the DP being 'honest' about his feelings towards another woman.

I got so much good advice from MN is even if I didn't feel it was at the time.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2397772-I-think-I-might-be-ending-my-relationship-3-months-before-my-wedding?msgid=71341892

The key piece of advice in that for me was 'never make someone a priority for whom you are an option'

You will be so much happier without him.

Stop doing the pick me dance. He doesn't deserve it and it's just feeding his ego and his sense of 'tortured romantic'.

Dont feel guilty about the 'hysterical bonding' you have already done, it's part of the process.

Stop feeling sorry for him. He has issues, and they are no longer yours to deal with.

Don't compare your relationship with his and hers, he is a chameleon he will be what he thinks he should be in each relationship until he is bored or it doesn't suit him any more.

As a further update to that thread if anyone remembers it... I now have two children and life is still wonderful

Doesn't sound like you've lost anything with him!

I can tell you a close friend of mine had exactly the same experience- messed her around while screwing OW for a good year or two (separated brought house with OW playing happy families with OWs children and her DD) and still now 2 years since he left he wants her back and realised the grass isn't greener - he also cheated numerous times on the OW with my friend until she finally got fed up of his shit. I am confident that he will do this over and over cause he's a spoilt brat and needs constant attention - she is happy and has a lovely life with her DD.

You are so much better off without him just do your best to cut him out of your life except for childcare xx

He sounds addicted to the dopomine fix you get in the early stages of relationships

Thank goodness you don't want him back. He is so egotistic that he thinks he can just pick and choose from the two of you, and you'll both happily take what crumbs you can get however much he messes you both around. (From your OP it's clear that he was messing her around too, sleeping with you after you split!)

I just wondered if he would ever regret and feel remorseful for the pain and upset he's caused
Do you think he has that level of self-knowledge and humility? From what you say it sounds highly unlikely. People who have affairs have to work very hard to explain why what they are doing is OK; after coming up with such amazing explanations about how it's their partner's fault, it takes a very big person to turn around and admit they might have been wrong.

Four years on, my ex's OW has split up with him. AFAIK he's pining over her. I greatly doubt that he spends even a moment of his time thinking about our relationship any more. And after four years I get only a tiny amount of satisfaction from him having the tables turned.

Long time lurker.....first time poster.

I really felt compelled to respond to your post as I have a sister who behaves exactly like your husband. My advice is to RUN FAST! He will never ever be happy........I honestly don't believe these people know how to love anyone but themselves. They have a unmatched sense of entitlement. Everything revolves around them. My sister has destroyed two marriages and many many relationships over the years. The same pattern over and over.......like a monkey swinging from branch to branch.....one man to the next. Always their perfect match (initially) as she plays the perfect game and has no real personality of her own.

Throughout many conversations I have always noted that she has absolutely no remorse over her actions in any of her relationships and it's always someone else's fault. They have no problems with their own behaviour.

Honestly I could give examples to you till the cows come home.......this man is not worth your time. Please take care of yourself and your child. You will find genuine happiness without this man. He is a toxic person and will never ever change.

If it were his ‘happily ever after’ (not that such things even exist!) then he wouldn’t be cheating on her with you.

You’ve been married four years and during that time he has had two emotional affairs, one full blown physical affair AND not even managed to stay faithful to the woman he left you for! Come on OP, you know you deserve better than that.

I felt something similar when my ex and I split. He had been having an emotional affair with someone from work and they got together within days of us breaking up. I used to imagine them blissfully happy together and him being the perfect partner to her, and I’d wonder what was wrong with me that he couldn’t be like that with me. It wasn’t until about 2 years later that a mutual friend told me they had been on and off so many times over those years and there had been so much drama that a couple of our old friends had actually refused to go to their wedding!

But that isn’t the point, though. Who cares how happy he is or isn’t? What really matters is how happy you are, and you will never be happy with this man. Stop thinking about him and start focusing on what you deserve!

I know I deserve better and I dont actually want to be with him, it just hurts that he's caused all this pain and he's getting away scot-free, enjoying his new life.
He's completely changed over night for this woman too. I've been close with him for a long time and lived with him for 11years. He has always hated going out in fact he wouldn't go out. Now he's going out everywhere with her, spends most of his time with her and her family. He wouldn't do anything with me and I used to beg him, it would always lead to an argument.
Do you think its possible to change in literally a week?
I cant help but think if you really have changed why wouldn't you change for me. I cant get my head around it all.

I was my ex husbands 'happy ever after' after he left wife no 1. 10 years later he left me for another women. He cheated throughout our marriage and although he is due to marry this 3rd 'soulmate' on saturday has already turned up on a dating site (matched with one of the mums from school - awks).

So in short, no, the chances are this will not end well for him and his new partner. Men like him can never settle and be happy. They are always chasing the dream of happiness somewhere else and feel no responsibility for the families or damage they leave in their wake.

I can honestly say now that I dodged a bullet - hopefully you will see that in time too.

It's not Scot free OP, the consequences just take time to manifest. Plenty of people divorce & move on but when you add infidelity and the idea of a 'happily ever after' it paints a picture of someone who is trying to compensate for how they feel inside & will always be looking for the next relationship, the next fix, thinks the grass is greener

And that kind of temperament lends itself to all sorts of dysfunctional relationships, whether with women, friends, exes, children... he will definitely feel the magnitude of what he has done but only in time when the rush of something new leaves again

I said him to him not long ago do you really think she'll totally fulfil you, he said I don't know but I need to make the most out of the situation I created and that he was scared in case another girl comes along. Its partly why he didn't want to try with me because he said he was scared another girl would come along and he didn't want to hurt me again (3rd time)
I think once our home has sold and he's moved in with her then that'll be when it really hits him, if at all. He'll have absolutely nothing left of his 'old life' and wont have the security of owning his own property.

@Lemoncup I'm sorry that he is subjecting to you to so much hot air and bullshit! There will always be the 'next girl' for him, he couldn't even honour his marriage vows & seems to think that relationships are like buses or taxis - you hop on the nearest one! No one will be enough for him, the man is an emotional void

Scared that another girl would come along? As if he would have no other choice than to go off with her: it would all be her fault for coming along and making him have an affair with him? Does he listen to what is coming out of his mouth?

The overnight change is quite amazing, isn't it? Seems to be pretty typical.

Some people do live happily ever after with their OW or OM, but they don't come away looking like saints. There's nothing unusual about breaking up with your partner, but they deliberately chose an unpleasant way to do it. Leaves a nasty smell in the air.

This is from the other side- My decree absolute arrived today. Two years after finding out about now ex’s 3 year affair with the 34 year old (never married no kids) office bimbo. He’s 52, we were married 22 years and we have 4 kids. It’s been hell but I have certainly learnt a lot....

The most important thing you have to do is refuse to allow him any more control over you. This is the crucial starting point you need.

He is not somebody you want in your life, believe me, and detaching yourself is going to be crazy hard. You must now realise that you will never ever know what their relationship is like or how good/bad/amazing/shit it is. These men are emotional abusers. Every reaction/tear/question from you gives them huge satisfaction. And causes you huge torment. It goes round and round in your head, doesn’t it, all the whys and what ifs and second guessing and trying to make sense of it all. But you will never get there I’m afraid.

I didn’t know what my ex was thinking for about 10 years of our 22 year marriage- so there was no chance I could get any answers or explanations once he left. And once I realised that and let it go, things started to get better.

Hard as it is, you have to let it go and focus on taking back control of your life. You can do it, one little bit at a time. Xx

I'd also recommend as little contact as possible, and no asking questions, as otherwise you will just get to hear more manipulative shite to torment yourself with.

Completely all I cant think about is the ifs, buts and why.
The sudden personality transplant is what's getting to me the most atm, how can someone change so quick. I begged and pleaded with him for about 8years to change, he told me he would, 'he'd get help' and basically filled me full of empty promises.
That and the fact he apparently doesn't love me and is over me already and has been for a few weeks. How do you 'get over' someone so quickly that has been a massive part of your life for over a decade.
I know the best thing to do is stop contact, ive tried a million times, block him on everything and I still end up talking to him. I need to find some strength.

How do you know he has changed? Did he tell you he has changed? Acts all concerned about his gf when round you? Even if he has changed anyone can act for a year or two.

You are better off without him. Remaining with him and his wandering tendencies will do you no good at all. In 5 years he may well be onto woman number 5, you may be happily married to a decent person.

Okay, he hasn't changed. Not one bit. He is still in the early stage of the relationship where he wants to impress her.

How will he keep her if he treats her the way he's treated you?

Trust me, the novelty will wear off. Once she is committed to him, he will become the same guy he was with you. And she will beg him to go out and do things and wonder what happened.

It is hard for a normal person to understand how someone can 'get over' a 10 year relationship in a few weeks. You are normal. He is not. Don't try to understand it. Easier said than done, I know.

Write down everything he has done or said that makes you angry or sad . And read it every time you miss him.

Good luck

Yes this impression that he has changed is an illusion. He is just performing well for the new girl, but that won't last.

I was deeply in love with someone with whom it ended in part because he a) didn't want another child and b) didn't want to potentially have to move country (we are expats and that would likely have come up). With the girl he moved on to (there was overlap, which I found out about though not sure she ever knew) he both moved country and had a kid. Killed me at first. Until I saw a mutual friend and found out he is now shagging around like crazy while the new girl is stuck at home with the baby...

A very helpful website I can recommend for help with detaching etc is www.baggagereclaim.co.uk and the book from it - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Applies to marriages/long relationships too.

Good luck OP, and as others have said, you have a happy future ahead of you no doubt. For now,

But the important thing right now for you is that he is simply not capable of being the man that YOU want him to be. And that’s not your fault at all- he pretended and lapped it all up and made you think he was worth it. And you won’t find out why he did that. But he just isn’t the person you think you have lost.
The person you are in love with would never ever treat you like this, would he? So she can have this mean manipulative egotistical emotionally sterile arse of a man all to herself and good luck to her!
Writing down his faults is a great idea- I did that- and I guarantee they will completely outweigh the things you like about him!

I name-changed to tell you this story.

Ex H left me and young DC for younger woman at work. Fifteen years later, he's a miserable shit with a trail of ex-partners and little step-children, his own (now adult) children think he's a knob, and he's got yet another deluded younger woman from work with a young child in tow.

The damage he has done and is doing to six women and various children is quite staggering. I was the first, so didn't 'see' his true colours because he had no history. But this latest debacle - that poor little child, to have to live with him.

My advice is to focus on you and your baby, career and life. There are fantastic rewards there.

I know I deserve better and I dont actually want to be with him, it just hurts that he's caused all this pain and he's getting away scot-free, enjoying his new life.
He's completely changed over night for this woman too. I've been close with him for a long time and lived with him for 11years. He has always hated going out in fact he wouldn't go out. Now he's going out everywhere with her, spends most of his time with her and her family. He wouldn't do anything with me and I used to beg him, it would always lead to an argument.
Do you think its possible to change in literally a week?
I cant help but think if you really have changed why wouldn't you change for me. I cant get my head around it all.

You are hurt now. And yes, it will seem that he's got his bloody big cake and is eating it. But he will lose in the long term. You don't need to do anything. You honestly think a man that cheats, has emotional affairs and is jealous of his own child is a happy man, destined for a settled loving life? No. You will move on and hopefully find someone who treats you with a bit of respect. I'm guessing you've put up with his crop for so long that it's normal now. It really isn't, he is a knob and you and your child deserve someone who will move the moon and stars for.

He's changed as in he goes out with her, he was hermit and now he's out all the time, never at home. Basically doing everything I wanted to do for us and our family, he's doing with her. He also tells me he's trying to change because he has learnt from his mistakes.
I started to write everything bad down but I stopped because there was too much. I do look at it and it does help. The only thing it doesn't help with is the questions that constantly go around in my head.

Oh Lemoncup I know it looks like hes changed, but he really hasn't.

Think about it. He is too self centred to give up his own needs for long. Even if he says he's trying, it won't last.

Maybe think of it like this then, if he was not willing to change for you, then he is not the right man for you.

And the fact that there were too many bad things to write down that is terrible.

He's a scumbag.

Men like this never find their happily ever after as they are entitled and selfish. Only he has the power to make himself happy but blaming his partner for his unhappiness is much easier.

What you need to do is tell yourself "We are not together. He's not my problem" every time he enters your thoughts.

He's not really changed. He's doing what he thinks will allow him to remain in his gf's knickers. Don't forget that she's probably paying at least 50% of the entertainment which makes going out more fun as he's only paying for himself. Everyone's got to eat and eating out means no washing up, cooking and the gf not in loungewear.

He's also on his best behavior as he'll have the hassle of finding a place, moving out and feeling awkward at work if it goes tits up. A lot of people repeat their relationship behaviors so she's probably doing a lot of housework for him. If he were single, he'd have to iron and clean.