Is this husbands happily ever after or will he regret it?

[Lemoncup]

Hi,
For those who have had an affair or been cheated on could you tell me your story? or if you have an opinion I'm just finding it hard to accept that this has happened. I'm not looking for a prediction or anything its just I've convinced myself that this is his happily ever after and its killing me.

We were together 10years, married for 4. He left me 2months ago, he developed feelings for another woman, a much younger, slimmer woman and he wanted to see where that would lead. He also informed me that he had checked out about 4months before we split. We had a baby a year ago and he said he didn't feel wanted anymore, he was just a there to pay the bills and that we had different lives now. All he would say is that he wanted his wife back, I had postnatal depression. He also mentioned that he hated coming home because he didn't feel appreciated, especially when he had someone at work who was 'hanging on his every word'. He told me as well that she reminds him a lot of myself when we first met.
In the first few weeks after we split we were talking everyday, still being intimate behind his gfs back, I know this was wrong so please don't scorn me, she does know. He told me and his gf (separately) that he wished he could go back and fix us, that he regrets being so hasty in ending our marriage and destroying his family but that it was too late the damage had been done. Couple of weeks ago he said he's happy now and that it was the right thing to do with no regrets.
Now he saying that he doesn't feel like he's living his life, that he's just floating along and that none of it feels real. I'm so confused

Side note: He had to emotional affairs behind my back, one whilst pregnant and another 6months after we got married. Also he 'heavily flirted' with a few other women.

Immature man who has a lot of growing up to do. If he refuses to do the work involved life will step in and kick him in the right direction.

Stop listening to his shit and focus on you.

Is this husband’s happily ever after or will he regret it?

Why on earth would you care? Stop leaking your care energy on him and focuse it all on yourself and your wee baby.

He is having an open relationship with you. He will not be monogamous, you know that with metaphysical certitude. If an open relationship is not your style, then save yourself (and your baby) the anguish and dump him. Yes, you can call the shots on what your relationship boundaries will be.

To be a bit controversial, I disagree with those who say he will realise, he will want to come back, he will regret what he's done. In my (limited) experience, men who can't handle not being the centre of attention don't spend time realising, wanting, regretting. They do what they do, and either they look at, but don't care about, the devastation they leave in their wake or they just don't look. And if they don't look, it's either because they can't face the reality of what they have done or because they simply aren't the sort of people who think about, and take responsibility for, their own actions.

I had one of them, he left after a long marriage for a younger woman he worked with, because he didn't feel important at home, I didn't want what he wanted, he'd changed etc etc. I didn't feel important either, but that's by the by. As in your case, the decision was made long before I was told of it, and (in my case at least) it was compounded by untruths. He has since married the OW, so I can only assume he did the right thing for him. He was not confused, just determined to go, and to be with OW

I wanted to try to repair our relationship and I wasn't given the chance. In the end, maybe that was a blessing, as I didn't have the confusion you are experiencing, but it does sound like he's doing a good job of blaming you (and you didn't encourage him to chat someone else up or shag her, so whatever what wrong, he can't say he's tried to repair it).

My life in the last 4 years has changed considerably, and vastly for the better. Everyone says it will, and that time will help, I certainly didn't see that it would, or could, but it is true: maybe you can't see it, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Life will be ok, but it will also be different from how you imagined it. I'd just say, take time to decide what YOU want, because you are important in this. From what you've said, it seems to me that he is emphatically not good enough for you.

Poor bastard. Poor, stupid, selfish blind bastard.

No. People like this never find their 'happy ever after'.

Think about it. He had it all - a partner he'd grown with for a decade. Then his first child - an amazing time. But hey, there are difficult bits. You need support, instead of 'hanging on his every word.' He's asked to grow up and give instead of take, basically. So he just turns and runs, and just bails straight out into the first easy-looking, me-first, back-to-what-I-knew option. Throws away everything that is actually important and is the key to real happiness because he simply can't see it.

People like that can't be helped, they just have to be left to get it in their own time.

He might I suppose learn his lesson and as a result value what he has now, if it grows into anything that isn't simply the escapism he has now. Maybe then if he has a baby with his new partner he will have learned the meaning of 'in sickness and in health' and grown some deeper understanding. However I guess if he does, then he'll realise what he's now lost with his first baby and he'll never get that back.

So no, still no 'happily ever after'. More like 'best of a bad job for a very stupid person.'

What does it matter? Get him out of your head. Don't worry about what ifs. Worry about yourself and what you need and want. I know it's easier said than done but you can't move on if you are dwelling on him. Put yourself first.

What a pathetic manchild. He felt neglected... boo fucking hoo. You had PND, you had a child to look after. HE should have stepped up and looked after YOU. HE neglected YOU.

You're well rid of the selfish tosser.

I can only agree with pp’s he is a selfish wanker who only is thinking of himself.

Keep contact to a minimum he is very immature and will never find happiness.

Hugs to you and your little one 💐

He won't regret it because he moved on emotionally months ago, and will keep moving on every time things get a bit boring, no matter who he's with.

I was married to someone like this, and once the marriage ended I cut all contact except very formally to arrange child collection etc. No chats, no 'civilised' pretence. I just cut it. There's nothing in it for you to stay in contact with him, and everything in it for him. He can play the tortured man, torn between two lovers...

So many stories of men leaving during pregnancy/babies small - what is wrong with these men

I know I need to cut contact with him but I find it so hard, we were close friends before we got together, I was only 16. Honestly I've always been the caretaker in the relationship, even when we were friends. People are right when they say 'When you needed him, for the first time, he left.' Just after a gave birth I had complications and he would complain that we were back in hospital and kick off with me, he did try his best in some ways. I guess I don't know how to put myself first because I always put him first until DS came along..
His new gf has medical problems, similar to his but he bends over backwards for her. Also he would never do anything with me for years I would beg him but it would cause arguments where as now hes doing everything with her. It does hurt, a lot, I just think what was wrong with me.
I know that I'm better off without him. I have plans that i've started already for my child's future but even then I still see him being heavily in it, not as a partner though. I think when someone has been in your life for pretty much half of it its hard to stop caring for them just because someone says so or its not being reciprocated.
I don't want him back, I just wondered if he would ever regret and feel remorseful for the pain and upset he's caused.

Oh and I'm not shagging him anymore, haven't for a few weeks now.

The real question is whether you should allow this to matter to you. My view is no tbh.

I shouldn't allow it to matter you're right but I cant stop it. Trust me I've tried, I hate feeling like this. I wish I could switch it all off and forget about him and just completely move forward with my life but I cant stop thinking about him and the woman he left me for, I cant switch off the pain or all the thoughts rushing around my head.

I know i'm only torturing myself but like I said I cant stop it.

It's only been two months, way too early to expect yourself to have switched off from him yet. Sometimes the only solution is to let the passage of time take its course; having said that you can help that process along by going as low contact with him as possible - communication should only be with regard to child and, in time, the divorce process. Who gives a monkeys whether or not he ends up "happy" - the one constant in his life is himself and if he's a cheating shitbag always on the lookout for something/somone else then he'll take that to whatever relationship he goes to. Unlikely to be the recipe for lasting happiness.

It will be hard I know, but you need to forget about this major loser. Concentrate on yourself and your DC. Don;'t give this idiot a second thought.

OP give yourself time. Try journalling? Writing the thoughts down can help.

I knew 2 men like this.
Typical exit affaires.
Get new woman.
Check it's working for a few months then split up with partner.
Fast forward 30 add years.
Ones on his 3rd marriage.
Ones 2nd marriage failed after 20 odd years and as yet not married had. Couple more long term relationships.
These are men in their 50's.
Happy ever after - no.
Run for the hills OP.

OP

It doesn't sound like he's changed, so I agree with PP's that he'll probably end up in the same position whoever he's with. If he's always looking for someone else to validate him he'll always eventually be disappointed again, and so the cycle goes on. Not a happy ever after IMO.

And it's such early days for you, please don't put pressure on yourself to stop thinking about it or move on yet. Grief's an awful process but the only way through it is to feel all the feelings it brings. I promise it will get easier with time. I, like others here am talking from experience. Do what you need to do to get through each day and try and find ways to be kind to yourself if you can.

One day you'll realise that you feel a bit different about it, and that'll be a win. Right now, getting through the day is a win. You can't rush it.
Sending you love x

The biggest question is how YOU will be feeling in the future. Will you care if he regrets his behaviour or not? I doubt it, I think you'll be happy and immune to his relationship dramas because it sounds like that's the path he's chosen.

You can't just switch off

You have to distract yourself whenever your brain tries to think of them, find little things that you can enjoy, cry when you need to but embrace life as much as possible. Gradually the switching off will happen by itself.

You will get through the other side of this and be all the better for it.

Been through all this, long, long ago.

He's gone now. Put him out of your mind. Don't expect him back, don't allow him back.
If you choose to have convenient sex with him, it's for that - the sex - and not in the hope of bonding with him.
Sort out life, a bit at a time, for you and your baby.

But two months is nothing. I was two years before I had a clear head and 25 years before I was truly 'over' him. That doesn't mean those years were wasted. Me and the baby accomplished so much, I'm proud of us.

Find a solicitor, if you haven't already, and crack on with a divorce. Get everything sorted - and always put yourself first. Don't let him get away with too much re the baby - access on your terms. Be clear with the solicitor. Arrangements have to work for you.

You don't have to listen to the ex's outpourings about his life and emotional state - cut him off. Keep him at arm's length.

You'll think I'm harsh and it will sound impossible. But get into the right mindset and don't let him take advantage.

He's a serial cheat, he'll mess with your head forever if you let him stay around.

Oh, and the stress of the separation and divorce made me lose stones - I looked great for a while after it, so maybe that will come your way, too.

Don't be confused. Be clear and certain. You and your baby need clear arrangements regarding finance and access. That comes first. The ex doesn't fit into your plans at all. He lost his right to be considered when he cheated on you.

I predict you’ll be the one with the happy future...and it won’t involve him.

^ this.

I'd be shocked if what this man has found is a happily ever after. But, with any luck, in time you won't care either way.
Best of luck, OP.

I think he’s unlikely to feel regret or remorse as he’s a pretty selfish excuse for a man. Anyone who leaves his wife with a baby because someone else ‘hangs on his every word’ is pretty shallow, selfish and self-interested.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, it must be incredibly painful. But gradually you’re life will fill up with things that don’t include him, or thinking of him. It just takes time.

He is a wankstain OP. Seriously. Lose him and have a nice life free of this utter arsehole.