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Relationships

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Original poster

To think my boyfriend wanting to live alone is a red flag?

63 replies

AnonGFAnon · 30/06/2018 23:33

I have been seeing my boyfriend for little over a year. Everything is great, we make time for each other whenever we can, we've been on holiday. I have DC, he does not. He has met my DC on a number of occasions, all good on that front too. So for all intents and purposes we are in a serious relationship.

I live in rented accommodation, he has just bought a studio flat (he is a first time buyer). We were having a discussion about what he wanted to do with his flat and he was talking about very expensive renovations, we're talking into the thousands. I off-handedly said, 'Well if you see yourself living here for a long time then it's worth it' to which he replied, 'Of course I see myself living here for a very long time, I've only just bought the place!'

I completely understand his excitement at his new place and we have not discussed the future or living together. I was a little take aback by his comments as I have mentally factored him into my next couple of years plans, but it seems like he has not considered us living together?

Am I being silly or is this a red flag? I want to bring it up with him and ask him directly but I am fearful of looking too clingy or full on.

OP posts:

Itchyknees · 30/06/2018 23:36

Just because he sees his future as being different to yours, doesn’t mean it’s a red flag for goodness sake!

Itchyknees · 30/06/2018 23:37

“Love isn’t looking in at each other, but outward in the same direction.”

His direction sounds like it’s different to yours. And that’s fair enough.

HollowTalk · 30/06/2018 23:38

Why did you think he'd be living with you when he's just bought a studio flat, though? That was the biggest signal he could've given you that he intended to live in it alone!

Original poster

AnonGFAnon · 30/06/2018 23:38

But surely he would want us to live together...? If you were in a serious relationship and wanted to get married and have kids in the next few years (which he has expressed in general conversation), why would you then also see yourself living alone for a long time?

OP posts:

Original poster

AnonGFAnon · 30/06/2018 23:39

For clarity:

The sale took a very, very long time. He was already in the purchasing stage before we even got together. So it's not as though we got together and he then decided to purchase the flat. Sorry I should've said in my OP.

OP posts:

Cadencia · 30/06/2018 23:40

But what did you think when he bought the flat? Most people don’t buy for only a year or two.

PrizeOik · 30/06/2018 23:40

Its fine to imagine future plans with a boyfriend, generally speaking. Holidays, etc.

It's quite a leap to factor a boyfriend into a future family life and shared home situation, especially when you already have DC to think of.

Personally if a man I'd been seeing for a year assumed he'd eventually move in with me and my DC, I'd take THAT as a red flag tbh.

Everyone's different of course. If you want a man who wants to live with you and your kids, then this probably isn't the man for you.

I have DC and my dp doesn't. We live apart and have no plans to move in together, at least until youngest leaves home. Which won't be for another 12 or so years at the earliest...

CantankerousCamel · 30/06/2018 23:40

Moving in with a whole family is quite a thing.

I could imagine your own space being quite a benefit in that scenario

Cadencia · 30/06/2018 23:41

Cross post OP - that makes more sense.

I think you need to talk to him. It sounds like he may want different things from this relationship than you do.

Itchyknees · 30/06/2018 23:41

His timescale is different to yours. Or he sees you as girlfriend material but not wife material.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/06/2018 23:41

He says he wants to get married.
He buys a studio flat for himself.

Judge him by his actions, not his words.

NC4Now · 30/06/2018 23:41

I don’t think it’s a red flag necessarily, but it sounds like he doesn’t envisage you all living together as a family any time soon.
How old are your DCs?
Step parenting is a tough gig and it isn’t for everyone, so it could be he wants a relationship with you without doing the family thing.
For some people that really works and I think it can be better for stability for a lot of families, but it does sound like you need to have a conversation.
Its not clingy - you aren’t pushing him into anything. You just want to know what his thoughts are and if they fit with yours.

lifebegins50 · 30/06/2018 23:42

How old are you both? What is his relationship history?

I think you do need to determine if you are heading in the same direction.
If you can't raise your future together then that suggests the openness isn't there.

welshmist · 30/06/2018 23:43

I would plump for timescale. Just enjoy what you do have with him.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/06/2018 23:45

If it isn’t a “yes” then it’s a “no”.
I know the question hasn’t even been asked yet, but in this circumstance it’d be a moot point.

Original poster

AnonGFAnon · 30/06/2018 23:46

We're both in our early 30's.

I am by no means in any rush for us to be living together. But I'd like for it to at least be a consideration in the next two years, perhaps when we've been together for 3 if we get to that point. I was just taken aback when he said he saw himself living there for a 'very long time', enough to justify thousands of pounds in renovations

OP posts:

LighthouseSouth · 30/06/2018 23:46

Everyone has a different definition of serious relationship

Him buying a studio was surely a clear marker that he was planning to live alone for a fair bit of time, unless you had conversations saying other things, or if he was looking at it as an investment

If you are looking for a live in relationship soon then you should probably talk to him as you don't sound like you're on the same page

And he said " few years" in general conversation, that's just a casual remark surely!

Somersetter · 30/06/2018 23:46

It depends a lot on your ages I'd say. I didn't live with DH for about 6 years but we were in our early 20s when we got together. We were serious in that time - just not in a hurry to live together.

YoucancallmeVal · 30/06/2018 23:47

I was with a man for several years post divorce. I loved him very much - and still do. But he wanted a wife and I wanted our life and the two were not compatible for him. I would have happily lived apart from him forever, I had no wish to 'blend families' and all that crap. He couldn't accept that so it ended. It happens - if you don't want the same things, it doesn't mean he doesn't want you, he might not want the things you want.

Original poster

AnonGFAnon · 30/06/2018 23:56

I think I should just ask him where he sees the relationship heading in the next few years. I don't want to come across as clingy, but I also don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't have the same long term goals as I do.

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 01/07/2018 00:22

I think you have figured out the only way to know is to ask. Just ask what rough timescale he is considering. I presume it will be hard for you to save for a deposit whilst also renting with the DC, etc, so it might work out perfect if he says X number of years. Alternatively if he is very non-commital then just let him know thats an issue as you want more DC (I think?), so dont want to wait 8 years and risk infertility before house, marriage and kids. He doesnt have to give you an exact date, but you do need ballparks.

Original poster

AnonGFAnon · 01/07/2018 00:28

I am extremely lucky in that I have help with a deposit when the time comes. I do want more DC. I don't want to wait years and years either, as my DC are still fairly young and I don't want to start the whole baby phase all over again with teenagers.

I definitely need to know a ballpark. If he thinks I am too full on then he is clearly not the one for me I suppose.

OP posts:

pissedonatrain · 01/07/2018 06:12

His actions tell you everything you need to know. You are thinking of him and considering him in your future. He isn't.

Many men mention they want marriage and children one day but did he actually say he wanted marriage and children with you?

Of course you are both free to do what you want and I would not be concerned with being needy or full on as better that than to be strung along for years. If his answer is anything less than a definite yes, then it is a no.

category12 · 01/07/2018 07:31

Red flags are only really for potential abuse situations, aren't they? Just not having a shared vision of the future isn't a red flag.

Daddystepdaddy · 01/07/2018 07:33

He's just completed on the property, it sounds like the sale was at least long winded if not difficult. Would you be enthusiastic about considering moving at that stage?

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