To think my boyfriend wanting to live alone is a red flag?

[AnonGFAnon]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for little over a year. Everything is great, we make time for each other whenever we can, we've been on holiday. I have DC, he does not. He has met my DC on a number of occasions, all good on that front too. So for all intents and purposes we are in a serious relationship.

I live in rented accommodation, he has just bought a studio flat (he is a first time buyer). We were having a discussion about what he wanted to do with his flat and he was talking about very expensive renovations, we're talking into the thousands. I off-handedly said, 'Well if you see yourself living here for a long time then it's worth it' to which he replied, 'Of course I see myself living here for a very long time, I've only just bought the place!'

I completely understand his excitement at his new place and we have not discussed the future or living together. I was a little take aback by his comments as I have mentally factored him into my next couple of years plans, but it seems like he has not considered us living together?

Am I being silly or is this a red flag? I want to bring it up with him and ask him directly but I am fearful of looking too clingy or full on.

Good Morning,

First of I just want to apologise for using the term, 'red flag', I didn't realise that it was only a term used for potential abuse as I have seen it being used in other contexts.

Of course he is excited about his new property and I would not want to take that away from him. Even when he said he intended to live there for a 'very long time' I didn't question it because I didn't want to rock the boat or make him feel negative about his flat.

When we are talking renovations, it's things like replacing the kitchen and bathroom suite (which are in good, fine working order it's a renovation for vanity reasons). He would have to save and save for years to afford to do these renovations. To me when he was saying he wants to replace all of that, plus the 'very long time', he is meaning 5+ years! It then wouldn't make sense to move out once you've just made something how you want it, so I assume even longer than that?

My other issue is of course that I rent. I cannot afford to buy on my own due to my wages, but I will have a sizeable deposit when the time comes. Once my tenancy is up I need to decide whether I am renewing for another year, or looking for somewhere else to rent.

Pre-kids I have also had terrible experiences of being in long term relationships, moving in with one another and realising they had irritating habits/our lifestyles didn't align. I don't want to wait years with my fertility to move in with someone and end up having to start all over.

I am going to ask him where he sees the relationship going over the next two to three years. If our life goals don't align then it is best to find out now, surely? I do want more children so I wouldn't do the whole living in separate homes, though I understand that works for some people.

I think a lot of men in their early 30s are thinking they're still pretty young and have no rush when it comes to marriage and babies. I met my DH when he was 32 and he was in no hurry whatsoever. It sounds to me like your timescale for DC with him is much shorter than his is for DC with you. I'm guessing he's thinking he's got a good few more years to go before he needs to settle down, whereas you're thinking about the next couple of years. C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N needed.

I would not rush him to sell it at all. I just would want to be at least considering moving in with each other by the two year mark. If he doesn't share my goal then we clearly just aren't compatible for one another?

I think you're overthinking all of this. He was already part-way through the buying process when he met you, and twelve months is quite soon to be thinking of buying a place together I think, especially where children are involved. He is happy with how things are, for now, why rush things? When the time feels right he could rent his flat out and buy with you.

To me a year isn't a very long time especially if already existing kids are involved, when you got with him he was in a transitioning stage of buying a flat so he carried on with his plan as I would have expected.

Its not a red flag but does indicate that he hasn't factored you into his current life goals, he probably hasn't thought about it properly.

Definetly talk to him about how he sees your future together and what would be the proposed time line if there is one.
Its not likely to be exactly as you envisioned but there are two of you in this relationship so compromises can be had or if it doesn't suit you then I'd move on.

One of my friends has two kids around teen yrs and is in a longterm relationship, they are waiting until kids have grown up before meshing their lives together.

I've read the thread through again, and remain puzzled about the connection between wanting to move in together, and the mention of your situation as renting/able to access a deposit but not a mortgage.

Was some part of your mind thinking that if he could afford to buy and do up and flat, if you joined forces, you could buy a home together which would be suitable for a family?

One of the most serious unintended consequences of the decades of rising house prices has been that people will be tempted to get together with partners who will do, rather than who they can't live without, because they are a good prospect and it is pretty impossible to fund a home big enough for a family to be comfortable. I am not suggesting that this is the case here, but I would invite you to think whether there is any element if this in your albeit unconscious thinking and planning for the future.

Another way of thinking about it, would be to allow your child to grow up without the complications of blended families, and postpone any idea of giving up your independence only when they have left home.

I don't think you're over thinking at all. I can't quite believe people calling you needy and saying you should go along and not say anything. As you said you're early 30's and want more kids. You have every right to want to know what he's looking for long term and if it's in line with your values.

Ask him, don't be afraid. Better to know now than waste another 5 years.

In his shoes I would buy my own place too. I couldn’t think of anything worse than giving up my freedom and independence to move in with some children! And also take responsibility for them both financially and practically.I’d still have a relationship with someone who had kids though. I just wouldn’t be sharing the burden!

This has saved me the effort of writing it myself. That is exactly how I would feel. I would still want to have a serious relationship (by which I mean monogamous, spending a lot of time together, potentially forever) it's just that cohabitation or more children wouldn't be on the cards.

I can't believe you've never talked about this stuff. It sounds as though you have different expectations. You need to have a conversation.

Is there any way that this sizable deposit will fund a home for you and your existing children?
Is the deposit and your wage not enough to fund buying a home which is yours alone? And you would have a roof over you and your children's head no matter what relationships you get into.
I would look to secure my own interests and prioritise my existing children instead of depending on this man to move in with you and have more babies.

If he doesn't share my goal then we clearly just aren't compatible for one another?

I agree.

What if someone came on saying their boyfriend had abandoned the flat purchase he was going through when they'd been dating for six months? I imagine the flags would be flying then. Chill out, let him enjoy his place, and talk to him. The tax regime makes renting harder than it used to be for landlords but perhaps one day, whjen you have got a couple more winters under your belts, he would like to live with you and you with him. Or perhaps not. He planly knows how to manage a budget, take responsibility for himself and not rush into things. Perhaps take a different view...

I'm in the trust your instincts camp here. It sounds like the timescale in his 'flat chat' with you is the one is his head and doesn't match the direction that you thought you had informally agreed on (when he talked about wanting to get married).

Not everything is a red flag, but it is a disconnect and sadly there are women on here who have been future faked and would have had early relationship worries that look similar to this.

So, be brave, explain what you want and ask him if he can see himself being that person. If it's a yes, then talk some more about what, where when... and ask yourself if that works for you. If it's a no, head up and move on. If it's a not sure....well, then you decide if it's a polite no or if you want to wait and find out.

Good luck. Hope it goes well.

You have a game plan OP, be fair and honest to your bf by letting him know what that is and if he wants to be part of it or if there is a compromise you can both accept.