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Original poster

To think my boyfriend wanting to live alone is a red flag?

63 replies

AnonGFAnon · 30/06/2018 23:33

I have been seeing my boyfriend for little over a year. Everything is great, we make time for each other whenever we can, we've been on holiday. I have DC, he does not. He has met my DC on a number of occasions, all good on that front too. So for all intents and purposes we are in a serious relationship.

I live in rented accommodation, he has just bought a studio flat (he is a first time buyer). We were having a discussion about what he wanted to do with his flat and he was talking about very expensive renovations, we're talking into the thousands. I off-handedly said, 'Well if you see yourself living here for a long time then it's worth it' to which he replied, 'Of course I see myself living here for a very long time, I've only just bought the place!'

I completely understand his excitement at his new place and we have not discussed the future or living together. I was a little take aback by his comments as I have mentally factored him into my next couple of years plans, but it seems like he has not considered us living together?

Am I being silly or is this a red flag? I want to bring it up with him and ask him directly but I am fearful of looking too clingy or full on.

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 01/07/2018 07:41

You have children, it is far too early to consider moving a man in to your children's home

Gruffalina72 · 01/07/2018 07:44

Exactly, category12.

It's not a red flag to just not be on the same page as each other.

TeachesOfPeaches · 01/07/2018 07:54

Sounds ideal to me as I couldn't imagine living with another man ever again but it isn't ideal for you so you need to have a discussion.

Unsure123123 · 01/07/2018 07:59

Why upset a relationship that's going ok as it is? If he's early 30's he's likely to have lived with others before now. Maybe he's found out he's happier living on his own.

Please don't take this the wrong way but he may also not want to live with children and all they bring? That's not to say he doesn't love you it's just some people are better living on their own.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 01/07/2018 08:00

In his shoes I would buy my own place too.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than giving up my freedom and independence to move in with some children! And also take responsibility for them both financially and practically

I’d still have a relationship with someone who had kids though. I just wouldn’t be sharing the burden!

shakeyourcaboose · 01/07/2018 08:05

Is it the purchase of the property or the spending on improvement that is a problem? Would improvements not just increase the value if he did end up selling to move in with you?

Smidge001 · 01/07/2018 08:15

I think you're making too big a deal of this. He'd already started buying the flat before he met you. He's decided making improvements on it is a good thing - and I'm sure it will be, whether he chooses to sell, rent it out, or live in it himself. Buying a flat is a longer term investment as he said, but that doesn't necessarily mean he'll end up living it for years and years. But let him live in it and enjoy it for now at least! Plans change... He's been looking forward to getting his own place for a long time (over a year from what you've said). Let him live out that dream for a few months first before you start asking him to start seeing your dreams as his own. I bet in a years time after he's been there for a while, done the renovations and the novelty has worn off (and indeed he's spent more time with you and your children so he can actually truly imagine loving with you all) he'll be far better placed to think about marriage, children and living arrangements.

Pineappler · 01/07/2018 08:34

It's a tough one but I can understand he's excited to do up his new flat. It sounds like you may be getting more involved than you should, he doesn't have to 'justify' how he spends his money and whether it's a worthwhile investment.

I wouldn't ask him about timescales for living together at this stage, you have your answer already, he doesn't want to live with you for some time at least. If he talks about marriage you could ask a bit more as he has raised the subject. I think you are in danger of pressurising a good relationship though, he has given you his answer.

FiestaThenSiesta · 01/07/2018 08:34

He was in the process of buying a studio flat when you met him Confused I think you assumed he’d fall madly in love with you and your kids and want sell his studio flat or rent it out and you’d buy a big house and have even more kids.... first off, he bought a studio not a one or two bed so I’m assuming this is all he could afford. I think dreaming of buying a house for your current kids (and the future ones) isn’t something he will be able to afford in 2 years, even if he wanted to pool his money in with yours.And I assume you can’t afford it on your own either or you wouldn’t be renting. Sounds like you have a “plan” in your head about what you want. That’s not a bad thing, but I’m not sure this guy fits it. Either change your plan or change the guy.

SoapOnARoap · 01/07/2018 08:37

You sound incredibly needy. You’re only a year in, give the relationship time to breathe.

W0rriedMum · 01/07/2018 08:42

A year is a long term relationship as grown-ups who know what they want, they're not 21 after all.
OP - this studio has been his dream since before you met. Let him have some months to settle in and enjoy it. But if you get to the 2 year mark without any sign you're getting closer as a couple and planning a future, I'd move on.

Cricrichan · 01/07/2018 08:46

The renovations would increase the value of the flat if he were to sell it though, right?

LadyOfTheCanyon · 01/07/2018 08:59

I think the key is that he started buying before he met you. Think about it- at what point in the buying process and in his relationship with you was he supposed to jack that in? One month? Three months? Six months? If you'd been having a relationship for six months would you consider that ' long term' and meriting changing your life plans for?

I've been with my partner for ten years but for the first two years or so we were definitely in a ' this could go either way' place. Your desire for security and permanence is not a bad thing, but not being on the same page as him just yet doesn't mean everything is going to shit.

Buying any property is a huge deal, I'm sure he only bought a studio flat because that was within his budget, not because he wasn't thinking of a 'future.'

FWIW I have a friend who lived happily in a studio flat with her partner and child for the first two years of the baby's life, so it's not impossible! Cool your jets, if it's a good relationship then you'll find a way.

LapsedHumanist · 01/07/2018 09:08

I don’t think it’s a red flag (which is about potential to be abusive) but I do think, as you do, it’s shows that a conversation about the future is warranted.

And don’t listen to any nonsense about it being clingy/needy etc to want to have that conversation at around a year. That’s a perfectly reasonable length of time.

As pp say, there are a few things to factor in:

  1. Studio flat process started before you met
  2. He has spoken about marriage/kids before
  3. You have help with deposit in place and he will be able to build up equity with studio flat
  4. Your wish to have more children.

It could be as simple as he hasn’t collated all the strands of where his life is going (on the one hand, flat and improvements, on the other, you and kids) . Or it could be that what you and he want is incompatible.

Have a conversation, and if you want different things, break it off quickly and cleanly.

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 09:11

The fact that he could only afford a studio flat...I'm not sure marriage and kids would be on his agenda anytime soon.

That's a huge responsibility. I don't know anyone who has bought a studio flat...although many exist.

It also depends on his age...Your age...he may be happy in a relationship with you...but marriage and an Insta family is something else.

LostwithSawyer · 01/07/2018 09:17

Why not just ask him?

W0rriedMum · 01/07/2018 09:17

This studio might be a loft style apartment with no walls and a mezzanine for sleeping, for all we know. Or it might be a single room which is all he can afford.. I'm not sure it's that relevant..
The cheapest studio near me is £250K so not exactly a steal.

shakeyourcaboose · 01/07/2018 09:18

Also just a thought re the help with deposit on your side, have seen previous threads were the poster also had this offer of help but it came with strings attached in that the lender wanted to have interest in the property, of course that's not always the case !

Changedname3456 · 01/07/2018 09:24

Off topic, but in most cities I’ve lived in you can buy a two bedroom terrace with a small garden for about the same as a studio/one bed flat.

I’ve never understood the appeal of living in a block with a ton of neighbours on every side, thin walls and maintenance charges which you have no control over. Just don’t get it.

Biologifemini · 01/07/2018 09:25

Some people just don’t want to merge families. He has his own unit and you have yours and that’s probably fine for him.
There isn’t anything wrong with that but it doesn’t sound like he wants to live together, at all.

FinallyHere · 01/07/2018 09:34

wanted to get married and have kids in the next few years (which he has expressed in general conversation

Are you sure ? General conversation can be very, very misleading, in a way that a specific conversation about how you see yourselves in tbe future.

@Changedname3456 two bedroom terrace with a small garden for about the same as a studio/one bed flat.

This choice is all about lifestyle. If you have a family, young DC, then a small garden is attractive, and living in a flat most likely not convenient. No DC, working long hours, eating out, a flat will very likely be more secure and require less day to day maintaining.

ScrubTheDecks · 01/07/2018 09:37

A ‘red flag’ generally refers to a warning of some abusive trait, control, addiction etc. Not simple relationship choices.

When I bought my first flat I was immensely excited to have done it, and proud of it. If someone had started suggesting I sell and move out before I had had my fussy out of it I would have felt very resistant.

Have the holidays been with your kids, too?

You should be able to talk about longer term plans with him, and if eventual (not too distant) living together and more kids are important to you, he need to know that, and you need to weigh things up.

Did you want more kids before you met him or are more kids part and parcel of a marriage / relationship?

ScrubTheDecks · 01/07/2018 09:39

Flats the same price if houses are usually in tne centre of town, not a bus ride away, surely?

trojanpony · 01/07/2018 10:04

Your instincts are right I think. I would treat this as a red flag and want to have a follow up chat.

This wishywashy “hope for the best” approach is not viable for you. you are in your 30s and you want kids so you need someone who is serious and on the same page. Ball park is fine but I’d want something like “2-3 years” rather than a “at least 2-3 years” response.

trojanpony · 01/07/2018 10:12

Oops Blush I missed some later posts - I actually agree with others it’s not a red flag as such because def not a warning indicator of abuse / unhealthy relationship dynamics. But I do think it’s a flag of some sort indicating the relationship may not be going in the direction you thought and you should have a chat about future plans to clarify.

I also agree with others that he has only just bought it and will be excited / interested in it and you shouldn’t be rushing him to sell it. Given how I was I wouldn’t expect it to get sold in the next 2-3 years (especially if it’s his first place)