Is this too much? Or am I wrong?

[rockstarchick]

Honest opinions please

So I've met someone.......long story short I said I want to take things slow and he agreed

We've had a 5 or so dates over a few weeks or so which have all been really nice. I like him.

He's very complimentary, messages all the time, says things such as I'm perfect and even told me he is falling for me. I've told him I need to take things slow and he said of course he feels the same
Then last night, he's messaging constantly even though I was at a family event and I was saying i didn't wanna be on my phone all night
Anyway he's told me I'm pushing him away, because I haven't been treated right in the past ( which I haven't ) then this is why I'm acting like I am because I got quite cross and frustrated with him because I felt like he wasn't listening to me.

I've told him I do like him but I don't want to rush or declare my un dying love which means I don't want a relationship right now because I want to take my time this time
I don't know if I should end it now or am I actually the one in the wrong
He said it was strange that I didn't wanna hear nice things?!
I said it I'm just not used to it

Please help

Major kudos to you for going with your gut.
I hope you have a good night.

I'm far from perfect and he tells me I am

Early on this is a red flag as narcissists put people on a pedestal and then when they turn out to be "real people" with needs etc they become abusive as they have been "tricked".

I would avoid telling new bf's about an abusive ex until you know them as it will be used against you.
I don't think you are unlucky as there are unfortunately lots of entitled and controlling men in this world.You just need to learn to weed them out early.

Where does he live now? I wonder if he is looking for someone to take care of him.

Are you sure you aren't with my ex op??

Sounds exactly like him! I promise you, he won't listen, he'll never listen.

He's far too needy and needs constant reassurance.

Ex told me he loved me after a week!

Okay so after reading your replies, He sounds even more like my ex.

Op, leave.

He'll make you think it's all you and that you are being unreasonable.

People want it all and more.

I predict a charm offensive is coming your way. Like a tidal wave. How dare you not swoon and drop for him. You will forever be the one that got away. Thank god.

Hi OP

Hope you’re ok and haven’t heard anymore from this tool. Out of curiosity, his initials aren’t JH, are they? He reminds me of someone who behaved like this after two dates, and who had exactly the same reaction when I ended it. He had two kids as well.

(Maybe I just don’t want to think there’s loads of them out there!)

I knew you were going to say you had been in an abusive relationship before you said it

They make you doubt yourself a little dont they. They leave your instincts a little schewed.
Listen youve been there, read the book and bought the t shirt. You know what is good for you and what is normal.
Listen to your gut. I know that's so difficult for women like us, but do it. We have to learn the lesson that being abused taught us, deep down we know what is right and what isnt, we just have to trust ourselves enough to act on it.
You are trying to set boundaries, he is trying to push them. He is seeing how far he can get and has his default 'its all your fault' line to fall back on when you pull him up.
Its not that you dont know how to be treated right (my abusers favourite line btw). Its that he doesnt know how to treat you right.
Youve asked for space, time and patience he is agreeing but then crowding your space, removing your time and being damn right impatient.
After what i have been through, knowing what i learnt in therapy i would do two things immediately.

1. stop doubting myself, remind myself of how capable my judgement is and allow myself to feel one thing .....that he isnt being what i want or need.
2. send a polite but firm 'this isnt working for me' message then refuse to engage in further conversation. I bet any amount of money he goes onto prove how little respect he has for your boundaries and decisions by begining a campaign to 'lets talk about it' and pushing you to feel guilty but hey what do i know.

The thing is, by 'take it slowly', you mean;
'you're a stranger to me. I'd like to get to know who you are, what your values are and what makes you tick. I'd like to discover of we have a shared sense of humour and whether you're kind.'
He hears;
'I'm not going to sleep with you until the third date.'

So in his mind he IS taking it slowly. He's wrong, of course, and you're right. Leave him well alone.

Just following up on this, you've blocked him now, right OP?

Talk about dodging a loony tunes bullet!!!

Arrrgggg......... I had one like this very recently.
'I'm so nice' 'I'm so lovely'

Really frigging needy.
Hated it when I didn't respond immediately to messages.
Just totally got on my nerves in the end and I ended it.
He called me a 'stupid girl'
BYE BYE!!!!

Well done OP.
God there are so many dud ones out there, I've basically given up for now!

Oh my god really?!
I can't believe there are more of them out there ?! X

Hi

It sounds like you both had vastly different pasts/expectations. HE feels shunned as his disney dream of a budding romance is getting delayed...on the other hand you want to take it slow and make sure its the right thing to do - which is hugely understandable - after all you may well spend a large amount of time with him.
i have seen this a lot in my experience....I think you should be clear that if its meant to be, you have a whole life to explore that. If you're meant to be, time has no place. As long as you're not forcefully being cold because he will pick up on the changes in frequency i.e blowing hot and cold.

some people have a ht moment and want it to excel an continue, while others have hot moments and its more of a mental tick the box and then drop back to a more leveled head (which seems cold) but isn't necessarily cold

Im unsure of you or his person - but this can turn into a power struggle and quickly turn sour if not rectified

Just to add to this - When people spend time/effort, the brain tends to want it reciprocated. make it clear you understand his train of thought and its sweet, but it doesn't need to be so constant because it becomes the polar opposite of what he is saying

Oh my god this sounds exactly like a guy I’m seeing even down to his messages! Does his name begin with a C?!!!

No it doesn't. But it seems there's lots around !
X

Get out. I wouldn't bother discussing it with him - it will be more hours of your life wasted. He doesn't respect your boundaries, will smother and overwhelm you. He knows too much about your history and is blaming you for his rudeness and selfishness.

Run for the hills. Don't blame yourself. It's him.

My ex was just like this! Caused me loads of hassle. Is he in the Midlands initial T?

Wish id had this knowlege before getting involved with my ex..i had exact same behaviour-txting all night if i ever went out alone..getting home&being ignored or lectured that im damaged,thats why i cant see it comed from a place of love and caring.. same schpiel bout how he just knew it was right early on,didnt want to waste time&i just needed to tell him whever i was getting negative thoughts about us so he could "explain why he was different&good for me"..i actually believed all this-and ended up in with an abusive narcissist who had me doubting my every thought,criticising my best mates,my language,even facial expressions,tv i watched,food i cooked/bought...the final straw-abusive loud shouting in public places to get his point across&shame me into silence.THIS GUY IS BAD NEWS..dont ignore ur inner voice like i did..mine was screaming at me at every red flag but ignored it for3yrs&almost lost my mind..honestly know i could never live with a bloke again or trust 1even 10 yrs later..seriously happier as single parent.

Initial is W
God there are more of them !
Well I've ended it and he was like ok cool then bombarded me with messages starting I'm here if you wanna talk, take care you are an amazing person to then 24 hrs later saying he doesn't understand why I've pushed him away, that he felt the same as me as in not wanting a relationship ?! That was NOT the case and then to saying he actually thinks there's other reasons?!?!
I still gave him the time of day by explaining that it wasn't the case at all and I've been nothing but honest from the start and I'm sorry he can't see that
He then says he thinks it's best he doesn't contact me anymore ?
To which I responded saying I'm glad I got to see the real him now meaning one minute I'm amazing and perfect and he's there for me to I don't want to talk to you anymore and he said it's all because I'm just not ready to meet anyone !!
In fact it has taught me I am ready to meet someone, I actually liked some parts of it. Dating, feeling like me again I just don't like his needy ness. But I didn't reply and just left it at that
It's good reading all the replies and knowing I did the right thing ! I just wish I listened to my gut at the start rather than let it drag out over weeks but at least it's just that
X

Sorry op but this won't be the last you hear of him. He is just trying to lure you into further conversations.

To my great shame I have been involved with three guys like this. One dated for less than a month and nearly a year later when I lived on the other side of the world I was still getting missed calls and messages saying he was thinking of me and looking forward to catching up soon.

Men like this make my skin crawl. They don't care about you, they only want what they want. Do not engage in conversation or bother defending yourself.

By the third guy I had learned my lesson. Three dates in he was getting angry if I was making plans with other people, texting around the clock and telling me he knew I could feel the deep connection between us. It's sad really, it had started with a great first date and if he'd just relaxed it could have continued. Anyway I told him I wanted to finish things, he said fine, got a bit huffy. The next day he suggested dinner later that week. I told him again I had enjoyed our dates but I did not wish to see him again or stay in touch. He said fine. A couple of days later he suggested a movie. I ignored. This continued and continued. He was sending me good luck at the hospital and did I need him to come in with me for moral support, he was sending me his schedule so we could figure out what days to see each other. It was frankly disturbing how determined he was to not accept what I'd said. I was answering none of his messages.

In the end I went to the police station to ask for advice (he knew my address and I was worried he would turn up or at work). The policeman looked unconcerned until I handed him my phone and he saw the long long long list of unanswered messages then told me to send one more sayiny "hi, I have asked you not to contact me. I am asking again out of courtesy. I won't be answering any messages or meeting up with you again. I have spoken to the pliice and they have said to let them know if you do not heed this warning". I did. He started again, the policeman took his details, phoned him and that was the last I heard of him.

Oh god he sounds horrible! I hope he doesn't, it's been a couple of days so fingers crossed. He also knows my address
God what's wrong with taking it slow now a days it's like men have a problem doing so, didn't realise there were so many about!
I'm out with the girls tomorrow and he was supposed to be picking me up after so I'm hoping he doesn't rock up!! X

I agree, this won't be the last you hear of him.
I ended with my needy Ex in April.
And I got another message only the other day.
And he previously turned up at my house crying a couple of times.
It's exhausting but I'm ignoring without being too horrible.
He is suffering with 'depression' now!
I've broken his heart... blah blah blah....
3 MONTHS we went out for - 3 friggin' MONTHS.
Not years or anything!
Give me strength.

Oh blimey!!! Well I haven't heard anything so fingers crossed I don't
I've been having a long think and I'm actually quite annoyed with him and the more I think about it how dare he?! So if he does I'll just block him as I wouldn't want him turning up at my address or anything.
Why do men think they have the right to blame us for when we are actually just wanting to take it slow ?!
I do feel excited about the future though and potentially meeting someone - so least that's something I guess.
I'm not in any rush I just would like to meet someone nice for a change ! Xx