Is this too much? Or am I wrong?

[rockstarchick]

Honest opinions please

So I've met someone.......long story short I said I want to take things slow and he agreed

We've had a 5 or so dates over a few weeks or so which have all been really nice. I like him.

He's very complimentary, messages all the time, says things such as I'm perfect and even told me he is falling for me. I've told him I need to take things slow and he said of course he feels the same
Then last night, he's messaging constantly even though I was at a family event and I was saying i didn't wanna be on my phone all night
Anyway he's told me I'm pushing him away, because I haven't been treated right in the past ( which I haven't ) then this is why I'm acting like I am because I got quite cross and frustrated with him because I felt like he wasn't listening to me.

I've told him I do like him but I don't want to rush or declare my un dying love which means I don't want a relationship right now because I want to take my time this time
I don't know if I should end it now or am I actually the one in the wrong
He said it was strange that I didn't wanna hear nice things?!
I said it I'm just not used to it

Please help

How it should of been is whatever message you got from him intially you reply to as it would be rude to ignore him....however if you say you are at a family event for the night, his reply should of been:

'Ok hope you have a great night, I'll message you tomorrow' - i would of appreciated a message like that. He knows you are too busy to talk l, understands you are with family but you know he will be in touch tomorrow to catch up.

Countless messages from him like you've said are no good, plus you are at a family event, looks abit rude if you are glued to your phone all night.

He would be the type that if you were out with your mates, he would give you a hard time about it and not want you to go. he would be messaging you all the time if you did. He's controlling you already.

You need to have boundaries. If me or dh are out without each other we send a couple of texts to let each other know we are ok but that's all.

I find it's nice to have a guy that's clingy in a sense that he gives you butterflies - this isn't giving you butterflies though op, it's annoying you already.

You want to take it slow, he just can't get to grips with that unfortunately. Hes not listening to you, not appreciating your views and feelings. He's controlling and turning his issues around on you - as sad as it is for you, at least he's shown you his true colours now rather than later down the line. Massive red flags and I'd hate to think how you could be coming back in here in a few months or even a few years time in a much worse situation.

You've mentioned you haven't been treated rightly in the past, this guy isn't going to either. Sorry op

Good luck x

He also said he's never had anyone make him work so hard ?! I said what do you mean by that as I'm not trying to make him work hard ?!
So now I think he's treating it as a sort of challenge x

Agree with all others. Huge red flags. Why the fuck would you be telling your family about him after a few dates?

I wouldn't meet up. He is clearly a practiced manipulator and will talk you round. He has almost certainly clocked you as vulnerable given the previous abuse. The long talks are about you divulging as much as possible.

As a pp said. You don't need to have your phone on or answer anybody unless you want to. I am sure your history makes it hard for you to do that (it did me). Just as you are finding it hard to just drop him with no discussion. But you can do it. All you need to say is it is not working out and then block. That is reasonable and allowed.

Have you looked at or done the Freedom Programme? Will be invaluable in going forward. Worth a look and also google Living with the Dominator on youtube.

Arrghhh thank you, makes sense
Yes that's very true and I totally agree with you.
I'm so glad I went with my gut
X

Off to take my lo to her dads but thank you to everyone and I will read any further posts and update later xxx

He's an Iago. Iago kept telling Othello he was 'honest' whilst lying and plotting behind his back. I always think that people who tell you they're a 'good guy' are the exact opposite.

The good thing to take away from this is that your bullshit radar is working. Ditch him and try again. It shouldn't be like this after 5 dates.

Ooh that would be overwhelming and suffocating. He isn't listening to you and he's shooting himself in the foot by not giving you space.

It's a shame really, that he doesn't back off, because, if you like him, it would have given you space and you'd enjoy your time with him.

He's not listening - yanbu. Don't let him turn this around either. If he'd have respected your wishes, it could've been a whole different story and you might have enjoyed the relationship.

He has told me he is a nice lovely genuine guy I think 100 times
Honestly, nice people don’t say this.

He doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you.

He’s not listening to you and is constantly pushing at your boundaries. It shouldn’t be this hard after only a few dates.

Lots of red flags here. Listen to your gut instincts on this.

Also anyone that constantly tells you they are a 'nice guy' are clearly not.

It's like he has to convince you he's this amazing bloke by showering you with compliments (which I'm sure are true as you seem lovely and genuine op - please don't take what I'm saying in the wrong way), sending the lovely texts constantly and not leaving you alone, and saying he's one of the good ones constantly.....

Well in actual fact he's a complete knob head

You are clearly making it hard for him, he's getting annoyed and the cracks are showing through his 'lovely guy' persona showing the real him x

Five huge red flags.

1. I'm a nice guy x 100. How repetitive. Who needs to do that to persuade someone they are a decent human being?
2. You have spoken to him THREE times about an issue and he has ignored your wishes. Repeatedly and in the extreme.
3. Saying he's happy to go slow when actually forcing a rapid pace. Asking about your family after just 5 dates! I miss you texts after 5 dates?!
4. Blaming you for not accepting his pace. YOU'RE pushing him away because of YOUR past. This is telling you he things your judgement is wrong.

5a. Saying you are making him work HARDER than other women did. Wtf. Again telling you your pace is 'abnormal ' and wrong. 5b this is him comparing your judgement to other women who don't have your history and thus trying to get you to doubt yourself.

I started this post with a list of only 2 red flag points. It keep growing and i had to edit first sentence 3 times. And if it wasn't morning time I'd probably come up with more.

Dump him before the clingy pushing becomes controlling.
Then congratulate yourself on learning from your past experiences and spotting red flag behaviour extremely quickly.

Thanks peeps I've gone from wanting to take to him over dinner tonight to cancellin completely and not wanting to see him again
Oh god, will update when I've done it which will be in a few hours

May I also add that he compared me to his last gf last night and I quote
' we are taking it slow ! How much slower can we go?! We've had 5 dates over 6 weeks, I've hardly seen you. My ex I moved in with her in 2 weeks and we spent every day together so this IS slow?!'
And can I add this guy has 2 kids so they also ' moved in with this ex ' after 2 weeks as he sees them every other weekend so it's always been a bug bear of mine that how can he move his kids in
And guess what 14 months down the line she finished it, he had to move out and also the kids
I knew this at the start but I gave him a chance as he seems genuine however now it's starting to make sense
Hence getting to know someone ?!
X

Things do get better thank you for that and for taking the time 😁
Blimey I see a few more being added when you read the last bit 😟I've reflected well and everyone has helped me so I feel its the right decision
Now what to do on my child free night xx

Ugh

God save us from boundary pushing "nice guys"

Get rid of him. He is a loser.

He also said he's never had anyone make him work so hard

Classic gaslighting or pre-gaslighting, depending on the context. He's sowing seeds in your mind that you're not normal, you've got issues, you're the one with problems. Anything he says or does that you don't agree with or object to will be down to your "issues" and not his behaviour. The more you let him use this tactic on you the the more you will believe him, doubt your own judgement and lower your self-esteem. He's building a cage around you.

I predict a pity party and then torrent of abuse when you do.

Good luck and don't fold.

Thing is, this is such a shame for him aswell....even though he's a massive twat.

He's compared you to previous gfs....that didn't work out.

He's said 'he's never had to work so hard for someone before'

Well he's still single isnt he? There's no alarm bells ringing in his head that he's going wrong somewhere....

Then he meets you, a lovely lady who has her wits about her and wants to take things slowly....you've had amazing dates etc and there's a clear connection....

If he had any sense whatsoever he would be thinking 'wow I've never had this before, let's see how it goes and take it slow....maybe it could end up going somewhere really good'

But nope.....he decided to put the pressure on full whack which makes you panic (and rightly so) and come and seek advice from a load of strangers. His loss at the end of the day....

That made me laugh
I feel for him too! But I can't keep having these chats so early on
But it's good I found out now and it's only going to get worse
X

Yup. Big Red flags from me too. Too controlling and clingy, and Fails to respect your boundaries. Not what you want I imagine, OP.

Urgh, needy fucker. You can do better.

He is a complete bell end. Please don't see this man again.

He may me very complimentary and say nice things but he actually doesn't sound like a nice person. In my experience, real "good guys" don't feel the need tell you they are one.
I hope you find what you are looking for OP, but I think part of you knows this guy isn't right.

Oh my fucking god

Please let me know what you think !!

So I call him and I explain how I'm feeling and that I'm not doing this weekend

He over talks me, says I'm just scared, he's happy with the pace and saying ' you don't need to explain I'm an intelligent person?!'
Wtf???
And I said he doesn't have to tell me he's a lovely bloke all the time and he said he does as he knows I've been treated like shit?!

Ok get this he then tells me he thinks I need to go and speak to someone?! I'm fuming
How dare he
So I've hung up on him

He kept repeatedly saying my name when I was half way through a sentence

Dodged a fucking bullet right ?!

How dare he try and make me feel bad ! X

Massive bullet dodged. Good on you for taking no shit. Cheeky fucker.

Yep. Dodged a bullet. Well done OP. X