DH annoyed with me for talking over him - how to fix this?

[user09876543211234567890]

So for a week or two, DH has been a bit 'off' with me. This has coincided with him being busy with work so I thought it was a bit of stress / tiredness, but I found out today that he's frustrated because apparently I talk over him all the time. He said there was a day recently where I didn't let him finish a single sentence (I don't remember this unfortunately).

I have noticed recently (over last few weeks) that if I even slightly overlap my words with his - for example, just saying something enthusiastically back to him in reply to what he's said, but in my mind I'm confirming what he just said and showing listening / enthusiasm - that he kind of sighs and gives up in a cross seeming kind of way and refuses to finish what he was saying. Or he makes a passive aggressive dismissive comment.

He also said today that he feels like I ask for his opinion, then don't listen to it, ask someone else's opinion and listen to that (and that they usually say the same thing he's said). I don't really know what he's talking about on this front. I remember one time recently ish when I had some work issue, talked to him about it, then talked to my best friend about it, then told him what she'd said he got narky that I'd talked to best friend.

He said he doesn't think I'm interested in anything he's saying or in his life, or in his opinion. This isn't true! Most of the time he seems too busy to be that interested in me (we never spend any time together just the two of us) - I probably have got in the bad habit of just talking to him about work or (terrible me) my feelings. It helps me to talk to him and work stuff out and he's a good sounding board, but he never seems to want to talk to me about his feelings at all, I'd love it if he did. He only said this stuff today because I pointed out the snippy cross thing he keeps doing when I (unintentionally) overlap my response with the end of what he's saying.

As I'm not really aware of talking over him (must do it unconsciously) I don't know how I'm going to fix it. Any suggestions?

We've been together about 17 years.

My dh did this to me a lot. I kept pointing out everytime he did it because he used to make out he never did. It is a habit you need to get yourself out of as it is disrespectful to consistently talk over someone. My mum does it a reasonable amount too and it is very annoying. You cannot get your full point across unless you can finish what you're saying and the interupter comes across as rude and arrogant when it is all the time

user and do you talk as much as you write?

What was your response to all of that that he disclosed?

You want him to talk about his feelings and now he is: keep the conversation going.

pepperpot!

The talker holds the pepperpot and the listener may not talk until they put it down. The talker relaxes as they know they will not be interrupted.

the listener actively stays silent.

not talking therapy - it is overtalking therapy!

I have a colleague who talks over me all the time. It’s disrespectful, rude and bloody annoying.

You don’t know what he is on about because you don’t listen to him.

Stop.
Stop what you are thinking. Stop formulating your reply until he has finished speaking, all the way finished-not just a pause to breathe.

Then respond.

Not listening to him, and talking over him, and asking him- then asking someone else
are all clear demonstrations that you do not value him or respect him. You might say you value and respect him, but your actions are proving otherwise.

Singlenotsingle

user and do you talk as much as you write?

ouch.

op my dh does this too and im getting increasingly pissed off with him, do you not listen to the end of a sentence/in general? I don't know how you fix it, but I hope you do.

Not being aware is part of the problem I'm afraid. Next time he is talking just listen rather than jumping in to confirm verbally.

Also think about what you are talking about as well because it sounds like you want a sounding board but to him you are presenting problems that he thinks you want him to solve and then getting annoyed when it appears you don't trust his solutions by asking others to listen as well. This seems to be a common issue in communication between men and women in relationships.

Your DH also needs to realise that it is the act of listening that is important to you and that you value. When I realised this it helped with some similar issues between me and my DW. I still offer the solutions but realise that isn't the real point of the conversation!

As for men talking about feelings, well this is often hard for us to do to anyone. We have been conditioned since a young age by a society that expects us to hide our feelings and be tough about things. Talking about feelings makes many men feel very vulnerable and I'm sad to say doesn't always engender the sympathic response from partners that it should ("he's a bit pathetic", "I've lost respect for him"). He obviously doesn't feel safe enough to discuss it with you but there might be things you can do to change that but perhaps not.

You could fix it by not talking over him.

My dh does this to me all the time. It's ruined our relationship. Be mindful and make a big effort to 1. Listen to him 2. Always wait until he's finished speaking 3. Don't make everything about you

I feel like I want to say what Michael Bluth says to Tobias in Arrested Development - get yourself a tape recorded and just see what you sound like.

I'm sure you are a lovely person but from what you've written and how you've written it, and what specifically your DH has said, I wouldn't be surprised if you were talking over him, and you were talking AT him rather than with him.

My ex used to do this all the time to everyone! You need to ask your dh to tell you when you are doing it, it's ok trying to stop talking over him but it will take a while to change. Also if you ask his opinion don't run to someone else and ask them, makes it seem like you don't value his opinion

To be contrary sometimes I already know what they are going to say mid way through the conversation. By the end I am willing it to be over. Sometimes people talk really slooowwwlllly and you want to say, get to the fucking point. Sometimes DP advice is shit and I want another opinion.

The above is part and parcel of being in a relationship and respectful. Everyone does it from time to time though. Don't beat yourself up.

Thanks for all the responses. Sorry my post was a bit verbose!

Daddystepdaddy - that's really interesting re boys being taught to hide their feelings and also the comment that he's thinking I want him to solve my problems. Yes I'd much rather he just listen and then do the same for him in return.

When he told me my response was to apologise and ask him if he could point out to me when I'm doing it.

My frustration though is that he's been thinking this for some time but hadn't talked to me about it - it only came out because I poked to find out why he was snippy. How can I change if someone doesn't tell me? Why be annoyed with me for who knows how long without giving me the chance to improve by telling me where I'm going wrong?

Weirdly I'm known by my friends and colleagues to be a really good listener. I'm definitely not the talking over people type in my wider life. So I suppose I'm a bit confused and wondering if I really even AM doing this to him or if he can't bear my 'listening' noises (e.g. yes, uhu type thing). That tape recorder is maybe a good idea!

Also he hasn't been free to talk to me for about three months (work) so maybe I just talked at him too much when he was finally free.

Sorry this another long bloody winded post! So I think I'm looking at - trying to practice active listening really consciously with him, maybe pepperpot thing, maybe record ourselves, ask him to point it out when I do it.

By the way, I never 'make it about me' - that's what he does to me when he listens to my problems - he gives me examples that happen to him from his work etc. I don't pull him up on it because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I have no idea how to fix it, but I’ve been told I do this too!
I think it’s because I really listen and care so want to respond to each point raised. I miss that the speaker has another 5 points to make and mistake a pause for the end of the sentence. I think I’m rubbish at reading that sort of social cue. I was so shy as a teenager I hardly spoke, and now I’ve trained myself out of that I seem to have skipped a developmental stage in holding conversations! Anyone got any tips?

Most of the time he seems too busy to be that interested in me (we never spend any time together just the two of us)

As I'm not really aware of talking over him (must do it unconsciously)

Weirdly I'm known by my friends and colleagues to be a really good listener. I'm definitely not the talking over people type in my wider life. So I suppose I'm a bit confused and wondering if I really even AM doing this to him or if he can't bear my 'listening' noises (e.g. yes, uhu type thing). That tape recorder is maybe a good idea!

Sounds like he's gaslighting you. He's to be busy to be interested in your or spend time with you, but by blaming you for your listening noises, he is deflecting the problem to you.

Is you relationship good otherwise?
Does sound like gaslighting.
The suspicious old hag in me wonders if his head has been turned.. or a MLC... ignore me if barking up the wrong tree.

Gaslighting sounds too nasty and he's a nice guy.

I've also wondered if he's had his head turned or is entering a phase of reconsidering his options. I worry that he might feel stuck - he works crazy hours but at a creative profession that doesn't pay enough for him to live (if he wanted to split up), I'm the main breadwinner.

I thought our relationship was good overall but we're very disconnected after his recent busy patch.

Sounds like reconnecting emotionally would be a good thing for you both.

I do the same to my DH. Really trying to change it. Think I might start visualising a pepper pot!

I have a friend who does this. She genuinely can't tell she's doing it and even if I keep talking to make the point/highlight what she's doing she just keeps talking too until I'm forced to give up and give her the floor. It's all very well to say he should tell you, but if someone is so thick-skinned they can't tell how rude they're being, it's hard to confront them about it, until, as with your DH, the person really can't take it any more. To fix it I'd just suggest you listen. You say you're good at listening with other people, but perhaps that makes it worse - that you respect them enough to edit yourself whereas he gets the full unexpurgated version, probably just because you're so comfortable around him and you may think you know what he's saying anyway. I'd listen and accept what he's saying - not try to come back with accusations/justifications (it's his fault for not telling you etc) - and then start afresh with the active listening thing. Hopefully that's all that needs to happen.

I worry that he might feel stuck - he works crazy hours but at a creative profession that doesn't pay enough for him to live (if he wanted to split up), I'm the main breadwinner.

So you finance his way of life, he's too busy to spend time with you, and the rare times you are together he makes you feel like crap for supposedly talking over him, which you are not even sure you're doing.

God, OP, wake up and smell the coffee! He's a manipulative user! They all seem like a 'nice guy', that's how they operate.

@ Shumpalumpa

Agree."Nice guys" are the most devious fuckers of them all. A slap in the face is direct and something everyone can understand but the "Nice guy" drips his mindfuck slowly over time and trying to explain it to anyone is difficult and makes you look crazy.

OP, He works crazy hours at a profession that doesn't pay anything and hasn't been able to talk to you for 3 months. Ridiculous. He can certainly take some time off.

Also thinking his head might have been turned. It follows the script. Distant and increasingly critical of you. I suppose he'd be too cowardly to actually fess up since you pay his way in life.

The possible gas lighting was the first thing that came to my mind as well. It also rings alarm bells that he doesn't like you getting advice from other people - why the heck shouldn't you??

My stbxh was the same when it came to always offering solutions (when I just wanted to talk things through) and then getting really annoyed when I didn't immediately take his awful advice. I do think that this is a very common communication problem between men and women though.

As we none of us can hear your conversations, it might well be a good idea to record yourself if you can. Sounds to me rather as if you are just supposed to sit there hanging on to his every important word and not give your own opinions. I may be projecting a bit here, though!