DH annoyed with me for talking over him - how to fix this?

[user09876543211234567890]

So for a week or two, DH has been a bit 'off' with me. This has coincided with him being busy with work so I thought it was a bit of stress / tiredness, but I found out today that he's frustrated because apparently I talk over him all the time. He said there was a day recently where I didn't let him finish a single sentence (I don't remember this unfortunately).

I have noticed recently (over last few weeks) that if I even slightly overlap my words with his - for example, just saying something enthusiastically back to him in reply to what he's said, but in my mind I'm confirming what he just said and showing listening / enthusiasm - that he kind of sighs and gives up in a cross seeming kind of way and refuses to finish what he was saying. Or he makes a passive aggressive dismissive comment.

He also said today that he feels like I ask for his opinion, then don't listen to it, ask someone else's opinion and listen to that (and that they usually say the same thing he's said). I don't really know what he's talking about on this front. I remember one time recently ish when I had some work issue, talked to him about it, then talked to my best friend about it, then told him what she'd said he got narky that I'd talked to best friend.

He said he doesn't think I'm interested in anything he's saying or in his life, or in his opinion. This isn't true! Most of the time he seems too busy to be that interested in me (we never spend any time together just the two of us) - I probably have got in the bad habit of just talking to him about work or (terrible me) my feelings. It helps me to talk to him and work stuff out and he's a good sounding board, but he never seems to want to talk to me about his feelings at all, I'd love it if he did. He only said this stuff today because I pointed out the snippy cross thing he keeps doing when I (unintentionally) overlap my response with the end of what he's saying.

As I'm not really aware of talking over him (must do it unconsciously) I don't know how I'm going to fix it. Any suggestions?

We've been together about 17 years.

He couldn’t talk to you for three months?! Presumably you live together. No wonder you were keen on a conversation when he was eventually available.

It sounds as if you are just being enthusiastic and he sounds miserable. I picked that up from your op before your later comments.

This is high on my annoyances list.

So many people just do not know how to listen or to take turns in conversation.

They just want to talk talk talk..

Another of my annoyances which is related to the above is people who interrupt immediately you start talking because they think they have pre-empted or guessed what you are going to say and so dont waste their precious time listening but start talking to respond immediately,,

Lastly,asking for advice then not taking it,,very true,very common. I do not give advice now. Want advice? ring the CAB. The truth about asking for advice is that it is a psychological ploy. The person asking doesnt really want advice. They want to offload their troubles, dump their negative shit on you then skip away happy until next time

Thanks for the responses everyone. Last night we managed a much nicer conversation than we have in months - we sat down to talk, made eye contact (usually conversations are had while we rush around doing things round the kitchen or house). I felt like we were both making an effort - me to be an active listener, and him to talk to me nicely (instead of snarling and grumbling at me and making the passive aggressive comments).

It was a nice reminder that we can have good quality conversations sometimes.

I think it is difficult to keep our connection going as I work office hours and he's usually working weekends and evenings, plus he goes out at least once a week, plus we're often taking our tween and teen to separate evening activities. The only time left is usually the rushing around in between times where we're trying to get food on the table.

My DH does this quite a lot, especially when out with a particular couple who also do it to me. It’s not nice at all. It’s like I’m being “ put in my place” or treated like a child. I have started pulling him up on it every time though.
Can’t believe people have assumed gaslighting. Sometimes things can be that straightforward- OP is unintentionally not listening to him and he’s fed up with it.

MrsGrindah I think this talking over people is a form of bullying. Its really saying, my views are more important, yours are irrelevant, i cant be bothered to listen to you. Personally if people cant be bothered to take turns in conversation, give me my chance to speak etc,,well i just leave them to stroke their own egos and go about my own business.

Limpopobongo if you'd read the full thread you'd know that I am a good listener and very much know how to take turns in the conversation. I barely talk at all actually (pretty shy) so am certainly not a 'talk, talk, talk' kind of person. In groups I'm hopeless and can barely get a word in edgeways. I hardly talk at all compared to most people I know.

It's pretty normal to want to talk to your friends or partner about your troubles, no? I don't talk to them to 'ask for advice' - like most humans capable of close relationships I share air time during conversations, listening to my friend or partner and enjoying them listening to me in return. This fine balance has gone awry in my home at the moment, hence my post and my desire to make things right with my DH.

Do you have any friends or do you just go to the CAB for conversation?!

user09876543211234567890

I was simply taking my turn in the discussion and airing a general view and not one aimed in your direction. Your conversational strategies sound very similar to mine.

I think it's you that needs to read the whole thread OP. Read your original post and then your last one - you are completely contradicting yourself.

Your DP is telling you you talk over him all the time. You say you are a very good listener and hardly talk at all.... He says you're not interested in anything he has to say..... There's a very, very wide gulf in how you perceive your communication skills and how he sees them.

Oh this is annoying OP and you need to stop it. My husband does this too and there's no excuse for it which is why I find your comment "When he told me my response was to apologise and ask him if he could point out to me when I'm doing it." really irritating.

You're not a child. You can see and hear if somebody's talking to you. Why do you need them to take action to stop you from interrupting them. Are you so important that you need this intervention from him all the time? Believe me, it's not 'enthusiasm', it's rudeness and arrogance as PP has mentioned.

I agree with Daddy about the 'fixing' point and this is possibly because when you talk, it's not conversational, it's presented as a 'problem' so your husband tries to fix the problem. When you then discuss same with your friend it's a bit pointless (in your husband's mind perhaps?). Why bother asking him? Why do you need a committee for everything? To me, it just comes across as your need to talk about anything and everything and get a collective view. I'd rather not have to listen to your 'problems' either to be honest.

You might be a great talker OP, but are you actually a good conversationalist? These are absolutely not the same thing.

I could have wrote your post op , turned out my ex was talking to someone else all along and just wanted excuses to deflect the blame onto me .

Even when I said after he finished telling me something , I would say “oh yes I remember the person you’re referring to , he done x , y z” he would say you to “ you don’t have to prove you are listening to me” so I was dammed if I didn’t and dammed if I did.

I have noticed recently (over last few weeks) that if I even slightly overlap my words with his - for example, just saying something enthusiastically back to him in reply to what he's said, but in my mind I'm confirming what he just said and showing listening / enthusiasm - that he kind of sighs and gives up in a cross seeming kind of way and refuses to finish what he was saying.

So I suppose I'm a bit confused and wondering if I really even AM doing this to him or if he can't bear my 'listening' noises (e.g. yes, uhu type thing). That tape recorder is maybe a good idea!

He's telling you that he wants you to show that you are listening/enthusiastic by actually LISTENING, not speaking before he's finished his point or joining in to demonstrate what a good listener you are.

My husband talks over me sometimes, and I not only find it frustrating but, to me, it comes across as so dismissive of me, that I couldn't possibly be going to say anything that he can't predict or that he hasn't already thought of that there's no need to let me get to the end of my sentence because it would just be a waste of his time. It makes me feel boring, predictable and unworthy of the chance to express myself.

Ok so as some of you have kindly pointed out - I'm an all round shit person, terrible conversationalist and dreadful wife.

Not many positive solutions to this really other than go die of self loathing.

interestimg how posters are either looking to help OP with her talking over OP and techniques to address this or comment - os saying that her DP is a gaslighting fucker!

Ok so as some of you have kindly pointed out - I'm an all round shit person, terrible conversationalist and dreadful wife.

Nobody has said anything like this.

Ok so as some of you have kindly pointed out - I'm an all round shit person, terrible conversationalist and dreadful wife.

If this is how you react to advice you don’t really like, that you ASKED FOR, no wonder your DH is struggling! I doubt he feels able to be honest when you’re doing something that bothers him for fear of the passive aggressive defensive attitude he gets in return!

By the way, I never 'make it about me' - that's what he does to me
when he listens to my problems - he gives me examples that happen
to him from his work etc. I don't pull him up on it because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Oh God I get this. Then he won't shut up about work. And I am left nodding along but thinking well shit this turned into all about you.

He also digs himself a big hole and I wait til he's finished, but he can see by my face that he said the wrong thing, so as I start answering he huffily says "give me a chance to finish my sentence"
I very rarely talk about anything important now, or else i fix my problem and just tell it as a thing that happened including the fixing.

Your latest response does suggest that it is you who are defensive when criticised. Bear in mind, we are going by your description of how your conversations go, so if you think you are being judged harshly, perhaps there is something about the way you communicate that doesn't do your inner thoughts justice.

Aridane, I'll be honest, when I first read the OP, FuckIt's situation did flit across my mind - but OP's posted no thoughts in that direction and from her post, her husband seems engaged with her, just exasperated.

user, Nobody has said this to you. Stop behaving like a child, do. It's really annoying. You have your 'committee' here, just as you wanted, so if multiple people are telling you the same thing, perhaps it's time to take a step back and look at this objectively?

The pepperpot suggested was helpful, or use a pen. Anything visual so DH knows he has a clear run and you know when he needs to finish what he's saying, or that he's got more to say.
My DH did this to me, in the form of 20 questions. He also tries to fix or solve any issues. We had a long chat and it's improved but we went through a stage where I just stopped talking to him, I simply couldn't be arsed. Now he stops himself and says sorry I don't need to fix it, just listen, or will hear himself start with his list of questions and stop. It takes self awareness on both sides

That's really interesting, Lemony. I know what you mean about stopping talking, it just gets exhausting. I know my husband's interested in joining in, it's just a bit too early quite often. I think the 'fixing' thing is very much evident for many. A quick apology does make it ok in our relationship.

I often here women talking in groups and conversations overrun; the difference being that they don't seem to mind and, if you're in a group that you know and feel comfortable with, it's not an issue if everybody's using this method of communication.

It's a very formal discussion of the phenomenon but I wonder if you are talking over him rather than sometimes showing what some people call a high-involvement style (aka latching)?

Deborah Tannen wrote a lot about language style differences, particularly between men and women. Look at the section 2.3.3 pages 14-17 and see if the examples there make any sense to you? (pdf, opens in browser.0

www.diva-portal.org/smash/get/diva2:231309/fulltext01

Some people latch - which means they ask running questions as a means of showing that they're paying close attention to someone. To people who don't do this, it feels like they're being interrupted or talked over. My family all uses the latching style - it's something that was a shock to every in-law family we're associated with but they're now used to it.

There's also something called overanticipation but I think that is pretty tricky not to come across as talking over.

There are significant regional and country variations in these speech styles as well as being sex-differences.

From what you say you are attentive a good listener etc...so going on those facts we can only make suggestions.

You sound defensive..but sound hurt and worried to me. I hope you can continue to actively listen to each other.

Some of what you hunt at.. he earns less and is stressed .. may point to under lying issues.

.. worth reading the script .. just saying.

Good luck

If you are sure you’re not doing this, and others are happy to talk to you and say you’re a good listener, and never in 17 years preciously has this ever been mentioned.... then I think his head has been turned elsewhere and he’s trying to pick a fight with you to make this your fault.

It's really hard to know what the issue is without being a fly on the wall but is he the sort who talks in monologue and prefers a sounding board rather than someone who talks back?

So you finance his way of life, he's too busy to spend time with you, and the rare times you are together he makes you feel like crap for supposedly talking over him, which you are not even sure you're doing

^This, 100%

These "Nice Guys" and their shitty little ways of silencing a woman whilst still benefitting from her support and input in other ways are usually just lazy, manipulative and comparing her to someone else.

He'd get zero respect from me, talking over him would be the least of it. Working months at a job hobby no income? Let him piss off go howl at the moon if his lack of pride self needs to be heard that much