I think he has a child but denies it

[Nanny67]

I found photos on his laptop of a baby and when I looked on the mums Instagram account (I know his exes name) the child is now 6 and is the spitting image of him. Around 6 months ago we were watching s programme about childbirth and he went into a rant about how the dad always feels left out. I asked him if ex had his child but he denies it. Would you contact the ex and ask her or does that come across as a bit crazy?i don't have a problem if it's his child as I have 2 but it's the lies that I wouldn't be able to get past.

the police have told you to stay away from him?
you have 2 kids?
what the actual fuck are you playing at?

Fuck me. I hope you’re not actually a nanny.

💩

Bloody hell OP. Seriously?

" The police and my DA advisor say he's a narcissist and to stay away but I'm scared "

tbh you should be more scared of your children being removed from your care if you don't stay away.

OP I work in a criminal justice job. There are very tight restrictions on the police contacting new partners and giving advice. That means your partner has something very dodgy in his background. Be very, very wary.

You also have a DV adviser - has this man been violent? Maybe it was a previous partner, in which case you may well struggle with what is acceptable and setting boundaries.

It seems clear to an outsider that he is lying to you, you know this and are excusing him. Take some time away and talk to your advisers. This is not a good situation.

*don't have /never had fb so no real idea how it works!!

Right, I’ve just had a brief scan through your other threads and I apologise for being snippy.

You need to engage with the help you’ve been offered from services. He is a dangerous man and believe me most people don’t get anywhere near the input you’ve been offered so there is clearly a lot of history with him.

You said in an earlier thread you don’t want to move your teens in the middle of exams, have they finished those now? Please don’t find any more excuses.

You need to get out.

The police said to stay away so stay away

Thank you for your advice. I'm assuming the ladies that were unsympathetic that they have never been abused? I CANNOT just end this, it's not as simple as that. He has form for previous abuse but I only found out when I did a Clare's Law thing, I'm well supported by professionals. I have a sig marker and a panic alarm. It's easier to stay in this relationship because I can placate him. Ending it will make him angry. Children's services are aware and myself and teens have been interviewed.
For the disbelievers I hope you never encounter this type of man.

that sounds terrible Nanny, but your OP didn't give a clue to any of that...

Of course you can get rid of him, you just need a plan.

stop thinking of you and us as 'ladies' for a start, give yourself some strength.

Some comments may seem harsh but everyone is trying to help you to realise you need to leave him

So even more reason to not contact the other woman then?! If he got angry because you asked him he'd be sure to get angry at that!
I think you need to leave him and I hope you are safe in the future

Sounds like it really does not matter whether he has a child, a donkey or a pet squid with a previous girlfriend, and you are using a serious amount of energy in distraction methods by obsessing over this.

Step back and refocus on what’s important. Start preparing to leave this man as safely as you can. There will be a way to do it, no matter how scary and impossible it seems from this side of it. But preparing is key. And committing to it is key.

Look at it this way, your attention is a very precious thing. Don’t just pour it away on pointless puzzles this man sets you. They’re traps set by his abusive behaviour. And you are vulnerable to them. So care more about the precious things you have, like your attention. Don’t throw it down the toilet by squandering it crap like this! Save it for the things that really matter... like you. You matter. A lot. And slowly slowly getting free in mind and body and soul matters more than anything else he throws at you right now. Or, ever actually.

You matter. You are precious. So start acting like you do. Even if those around you aren’t...

I hope you have an escape strategy underway, he sounds awful.

Thank you ladies x

So he has been abusive, towards you, and you’re scared of him? Is your DA adviser from MARAC? If there’s an alert on your address and you have an emergency alarm then the police believe there’s an imminent risk. Why the fuck would you worry about whether he has a child with anyone else, and not focus on getting yourself and your children out? For your info yes, I’ve been abused. Yes, ending it was appalling and I went through hell. But you have to do that, you can’t stay living this life and neither can your kids. Wellthis is absolutely right, you matter. Take the support professionals are offering. Listen to them. Stop focussing on peripheral things.

Your poor children

If you're only in the relationship to placate him / prevent him from assaulting you, can I suggest you stop obsessing over whether he has a child, and certainly stop asking him about it. Jesus. If he's as much of a complete fuckwit as your threads suggest, then whether he has a child or not is literally the least relevant thing in this situation

If you stay in this relationship you need to be prepared for your children to move out and go very low/no contact with you for choosing an abusive relationship over them.

And yes, I have been in an abusive relationship and I escaped. Yes it was hell but staying would have been worse.

I think this is a dangerous situation.
Yes it probably is his child and he isnt allowed to see it for safeguarding reasons But tbh i think you have bigger problems to worry about. This 6 year old youre obsessing over seems to be being protected by his mother, you need to worry about doing the same for your children.
Whats the point of using Claires law if you arent going to end the relationship once youve got the information.
It sounds like you have alot of support, lucky you. You have no children with this man and im assuming are financially independent of him. This puts you in a prime situation to end this now, so why arent you?
Im sorry, i know this is a hideous situation but i think you are underestimating the danger he poses to your childrens lives/happiness and mental health and staying with him is allowing him that power. Why would you prefer to put your children at that level of risk rather than end it.
I understand that its not that simple with a man like this but ffs you dont really have a choice. Surely the parties you have involved supporting you can help you come up with a safe exit plan to protect yourself and your children? So why arent you using it?
Placating him isnt your job and tbh is fruitless. You wont be able to do what hundreds of other women before you have failed to do, and all at the cost of your childrens safety.
And before you ask yes i have met an abusive man. Who i tried to placate for a long time. Eventually i failed and there followed the worst night of my life that i wasnt sure i would escape from with my life. But i did and once out i knew i couldnt go back. Not if i didnt want to become another statistic, one of those women you see on the news who get murdered by their partners.
It was hard, court cases, restraining orders, DV centres, trauma counselling but i survived and i won and now i am safe.
You have the support, you have the information so use it. For your childrens sake. No man is worth this shit, no matter how much you love him.

Sounds dodgy I'd get out of the situation OP.

It's also nice to see that so many MNetters are keen to see new fathers being more involved in the birth of their children, very positive.