Help I'm being accused of child abuse !

[littlelegsmummy1991]

Hi so I don't even know where to start ! Iv been separated from my partner for about 3 years now. We have a son together, our son has always lived with me and the farther has had access to him (he is on the birth certificate) now visits started out on his terms, I decided this was not good for our son and made a parental agreement, now my son has been saying that he's not going to be living with me for much longer and he's going to be living with grandma now recently iv had a letter come through and my ex is taking me to court for full custody. He's rushed it through by saying I'm abusing our son !!! This is all false and iv never had a run in with social (which is another thing he's put on the paper work) due to a recent move I'm broke and can't afford a solicitor and have no choice but represent myself ! I'm scared I'm nerves are shot ! I'm a wreck and don't know what to expect. I'm mortified iv never even raised a hand to my children and this has hurt me so much!

Hi op. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Please ask MNHQ to move your post to the 'relationships' boards. You won't get the traffic you need here.

U need to see a solicitor. Some let you pay a bit at a time.

Please try not to panic. He can't just "say" you are abusing your child, he has to have proof. There would have to be involvement from Social Services etc. I presume you are in the UK, there is a process to go through. You will have Cafcass involvement for a start. Who is the letter from? A solicitor? Have you received any court papers?

I've reported the thread to be moved...

Can I just reassure you again...please try not to panic. I am currently self repping through children's proceedings. My ex-h is the applicant. You are NOT on trial. The likelihood of you, as parent with care, being forced to hand your child over to live with his grandma is remote.

thank you im new to mums net and have never posted before so thank you for your help xx

MNHQ will move it I am sure. In the meantime, do you have any questions? I will try and answer as best as I can.

so the letter arrived on Friday the 23rd of june it was from the court the court date is for Tuesday the 3rd so as you can see due to the allegations it has very much been rushed through giving me 7 working days to sort anything out. iv typed up a whiteness statement of my own in response to the allegations. i have no idea what to expect, i am hoping the judge will look at the paper work and throw it out of court. but just to clarify. if they had reported to social that my son has no clean clothes no bed to sleep in the bed he has smells of wee and he has no toys in the property to play with hes not being washed and cleaned and teeth are not being done, would social not of been round to investigate it ? because that's part of what im being accused off, its all false and made up and its not the first time they have tried to get custody. my ex mother in law used to be my landlord she tried to throw me out of the house and make me homeless by giving false references to landlords so she could again gain custody. this hasn't worked and im currently renting with my current partner we both have brilliant jobs he works at the hospital (health care assistant) and i work in care for the elderly with the allegations we could loose our jobs too ! we could loose everything. i know they have to prove it first and im over thinking but i am destrort that people can do this ! (and yes im uk ) xx

i just want to be as prepared as best i can iv been to citizens advise (they wasn't much help) where im based theres not a lot of solicitors that do the half hour free advise (in family law) i spoke to social myself yesterday who put me on the transparency team who can pull any files they have on me (if any at all ). all i really need to know is what to expect at this first hearing ? i dont want to go in blind i know im going to get torn to shreds iv heard a lot about his solicitor and she's meant to be brutal im a sensitive person and im not sure i have the back bone to do this so im trying to find one because i dont want to loose my kids

You'd be surprised what people will do. I have really been through the mill with this. My ex-h has reported me to the police prior to every hearing, this week being no exception (we're back in court on Friday). So I hear you.

However, I digress..

So he's put in an emergency application, thinking your son is just going to be handed over. That is NOT going to happen. You have done a witness statement refuting allegations. Please ensure you in court that you have been unable to obtain legal advice. I can point you to Women's Aid and indeed Rights of Women...the latter is very hard to get through to but they will give you some free legal advice. You may find a local solicitor who would give you a free initial half hour. It is worth a try.

The process will be : first directions, the magistrates (likely to be them rather than judge) will want reports from Cafcass and indeed there will be searches for police/social services involvement. Cafcass will visit both of you separately. This could take a good few weeks. BEFORE the hearing, it is imperative that you inform your son's school/nursery/childcare provider that this is happening. If he is at school, you will have a welfare officer there who you can see. Please make an appointment. Also, speak to your GP and ensure they are aware of the situation.

Please also be clear, these people are not stupid. You can throw all sorts of allegations, you have to be able to provide proof. It's disgusting that he is telling your son he is not going to be living with you, that is emotional abuse and hugely unsettling for your son. How old is he? Depending on his age, wishes and feelings will be taken into consideration. My then 6 year old was "interviewed" and the Cafcass officer was wonderful with him.

The best advice I can give you right now is DON'T PANIC. I am not sure your ex quite knows what he's doing here..is he self repping? Sorry this is so long, but as I say, I am going through it myself so have quite a bit of experience now!

Also, it doesn't matter how brutal his solicitor is...there is a process. She can't beat that I'm afraid. You can take a friend and you can ask for them to sit with you. The setting is fairly informal (in my experience), you are not interrogated. You are not on trial. This is about the best interests of the child. You are doing all the right things. Cafcass will be in attendance at the first hearing and you will have a chance to speak to them.

Also, you will NOT get torn to shreds. It is not an interrogation. In my experience, the Cafcass officer on the day (who won't be the investigating officer) will sit with you both in court. The first hearing is merely to find out the basis of his application, your response, order further investigation. It's amazing how they do this, these fucking men. Bad mouthing the resident parent, rarely goes down very well. Personally, I would also cross petition for residency (which is what I did). It was heard on the same day...and awarded...

no that's fine its all helping me it could be book length iv not been getting a lot of sleep anyway haha.

my son is five now and hes just got back into school after the move. we moved to a different area so school moving was needed i was more than happy to move his school as grandma used to be a TA there so any problems were taken to her and not me ! (i had a number of meetings with the school about this but it never changed) his new head has been amazing iv spoken to her about it all and requested to speak to the family councillor there too. iv also put in a request that the councillor sees my son on his own to make sure hes okay im trying to keep him out of it as much as possible to protect him but they pick up on things so i wanted to make sure he was okay. he knows something's wrong with me as iv just spilt coffee and cried about it and he said mummy silly whats the matter why are you crying its only coffee il get a towel. and gave me a hug so he knows something wrong.

the dad isn't self rep-ing no he got a solicitor and apparently shes savage. but shes got nothing if there is no proof so hopefully it will be okay.

You're doing brilliantly with it all! You CAN do this. It is scary, even though I've self repped through divorce, finances and now this, I still get nervous, it's normal. You're tears are stress and I've been there so many times I can't tell you! See your GP, you may get some extra support. I am so glad school are being supportive. Your son is probably too young to be spoken to by Cafcass so don't worry too much about that. As I said, solicitor can be as brutal as she likes but this isn't the right setting for that sort of attitude because it is not about "winning", it is about what is in the best interests of your son. That's all. So, she can produce as much shit as she wants, she's got to prove it and indeed, SHE doesn't get to speak to Cafcass! If you are without representation and he is with it, they will note this. She s not going to cross examine you or anything like it. Please consider putting in a residency application. What is Dad's situation? Work? Living arrangements? Partner? How do you get on generally?

Please also make it clear in court or to the Cafcass officer that he has already told your son he is going to be moving somewhere else. That is FAR from OK!!!

My typing is awful tonight...sorry! "Your" not "you're"

Where do you live? Go to your nearest law school and ask for their pro bono society for advice. Nkt as good as an actual lawyer but better than nothing.

Have you got someone who can go with you, even if they aren't a legal representative?

this is where is becomes fun.
dad lives with mummy they have a money tree in the back garden and believe they can buy everything in life to get their own way dad works full time and his new partner works with children. me and the dad get on fine .... until he goes back to mummy and she throws toys out of the pram. the first parental agreement i tried to put in place was every other weekend i had dad round he agreed to it took it back to his mum who wasn't happy and told him to get it changed to week on week off i was not happy about this at all but because i lived in her rented property and was scared of what she might do i agreed as trial period once i moved out and was able to breath on my own with out her down my neck i again went every other weekend. they with held my sons passport so i couldn't take him away with me on holiday leaving me no choice but to let him spend the two weeks with them. but then my son started getting horrible towards myself and his little sister to a point he tried to back hand her he was saying things like my grandma says im going to live with her and dont have to listen to you, so i said i wasn't going away and leaving my son with them for two weeks if he can be like this after 3 days. then my mum said no that's not fair on you leave him with me and il have him so she did we then invited dad and his girlfriend round to talk about it and find out whats going and see if we could sort it out. i filmed the whole thing ...... the dad barley said anything ... dads girlfriend was just dishing out abuse after abuse and trying to tell me that she works with children well if you had heard the things she was saying you wouldn't want her near children one thing i picked up on was she said "we said to DS if you go on holiday with mummy you cant go on holiday with gran..daddy, you cant do both" that to me is manipulative and forcing a child to say what they want to hear.

haha and mine too i meant this is where it becomes fun.

OlennasWimple yes my partner will be coming with me as a makenzi friend. or if not i also have a friend whos a year 3 law student who im hoping will be able to be a sponge and back ground advise me.

Oh Christ, your situation sounds similar (ish) to mine. Their behaviour is not acceptable. What you must do is sit down and write a log, write a record of this behaviour and be as date detailed as you can. You won't be able to submit filmed evidence. In some ways, I feel putting it before the court is the best thing (it certainly is in my case), because that sort of behaviour isn't going to get them anywhere and frankly, grandparents have no rights whatsoever, so there is nothing that they can do in that regard. This is between you and dad. When he realises that this is not quite as simple and clear cut, he may back down. I suspect he's done this emergency thing to avoid mediation. Because that is a requirement of the court now. It is very possible that you'll be sent for that anyway.

My ex thought he was going to be awarded 50% immediately. As it happens he has minimal contact with no overnights and had to do a period of supervised and some parenting courses. It is not as simle as going into court and saying "he's being abused" and them saying "oh ok then, here you have him". It's NOT like that. I do hope the "brutal" solicitor has explained all this to him.

Also, you might want to report your post above and get MNHQ to edit it as your son's name is in it!

Your partner probably won't be allowed to be a McKenzie friend. Law student friend will though...they can't speak for you and you won't honestly need anybody there except for a bit of moral support.

It is a long process, it's been nearly a year for me!

TheFormidableMrsC i honestly can not thank you enough for your help on this, you have helped put my mind to rest. i can see this being a long process i will be asking the judge to consider a period of supervised visits of some kind. even if its only 12 month but i will not be leaving this with out something from court because despite my best efforts to keep it amicable the dad and his family will not be happy until they have what they want. and yes i can only assume that the abuse was to skip the mediation part, but that's the part that has hurt the most. i will keep you posted on what happens and i will keep my fingers crossed for you too ! as for his solicitor iv no idea what shes said to him shes not very good at filling out paper work so she could be all mouth and wins by making the other person give up. apparently before the hearing im meant to have a meeting with her and my ex to see if she can bribe me before a judge see it. but this isn't going to happen, so will be a waste of her time iv been more than amicable and tried more than once to sort this out of court. we will see what happens.
but again thank you and i will keep you posted xxx