Can't get over husband's affair

[Tostayorgo]

I discovered dh's affair 3 years ago and no matter how much he does I can't get over the betrayal and the images of him with ow and it's exhausting. They were "madly in love" and dh was on the verge of leaving me and dcs but ow decided not to leave her h in the end and dh confessed all when I suspected he'd been cheating.

Dh has done everything right since I found out. I've got access to phone, emails and passwords and he tells me where he is all the time and we do more stuff as a couple than we did before the affair. He puts up with me talking about it and has shown real remorse.

He went nc with the ow straight away and he's been a better husband and better dad then before the affair.

BUT I can't forgive and forget at all and I find it impossible to move on. I am angry he did this to us and the affair is always on my mind making me angry or sad or both most days a week. I only totally forget when we are busy with other people or when we are on holiday.

When do you accept its over? Or we've done so well getting to 3 years should I just keep going?

You're not obliged to forget it or forgive it and it really sounds like you haven't. It's ok to say you're done OP

Have you had counselling to help deal with all of this?
If after 3 years you are still like this then I'd say, it's pretty much over.
He has tried.
You have tried.
It's just not working for you though.
What does separation look like?
Living arrangements?
Finances?

He broke the marriage, and you did your best to try and fix it but sometimes it's just beyond repair.

You can walk away knowing that you gave it a genuine attempt at making it work - and that can't have been easy for the last three years.

Tbh if the OW ended the affair then your H didn't get a choice. Understandably you don't want to be 'second best' and you deserve better.

Ime even when couples stay together after affairs it rarely works, there s always suspicision or resentment or one partner starts another affair. Don't force yourself to stay if you're still unhappy

Do you need to forgive and forget?
Is that really possible or realistic?

Can you just accept it and move on.
You say he is a better husband now and had shown remorse and you have built a new life together so maybe it’s time to let the old one go.

You don't have to get over it.
You could divorce him though. I would, in your case.

I couldn't forgive an affair.

The problem you got op is your dh has stayed with you by default and you know it the very fact he would have left you and dc for ow had she not left her husband says it all. You don’t have to stay with him.

How long were you together before you got married or had children Tostayor?

I really admire you for the effort you have made, and balanced way in which you have put it over and recognised how hard both of you have tried. Yes you could try counselling but it really does feel like despite all of the progress made it is broken because of how you feel (unsurprisingly). Breaking trust in that way is so hard to get over and move on. I couldn't do it.

The decision you have is either carry on but recognise you are in reality probably never going to be able to truly forgive, and certainly not forget, or finish it now and at least do so in the knowledge that you have both tried but it hasn't worked. At least you have the rest of your life, maybe with a lot of tough times but have the chance to meet someone else and experience that trust and love again. Good luck and let us know

You have given it a shot. You’re a better woman than me because there’s no way I’d be the default choice. The fact is, if OW hadn’t lost her bottle, you’d now be divorced. Ask yourself honestly, if ow decided right now that she’d made a mistake and desperately couldn’t live without him and started chasing him....would he go? Would he still choose her? I think your answer to that will tell you what you should do next. He almost had two feet out of the door. If it was me, I’d shut it behind him. What a terribly sad way to live :(

Hello. I feel your pain. In a similar situation. 3 years later and it still colours everything. Yes he is a better husband today than ever before but I still struggle. Feel free to pm me. X

I think the problem is OP, some people can just brush it off and carry on and some cannot as it totally affects how you see them. I almost think it’s worse if you had a very good and close relationship before it happened as you realise you can’t actually understand one bit what was in their head to do this.

hellsbells yes we've tried counselling and I've had CBT too but I still feel this way.

We have 2 dc under 10 and they are the real reason why I keep trying. I love dh but I can't forget or move one.

Gertie I think you do need to forgive at least? I am trying to accept it and that's what I've been doing for the last 3 years.
It's difficult knowing when you've tried enough

yetmorecrap yes, we had a really good marriage and there were no signs at all anything was wrong and that's what makes all of this even worse.

As a pp said, he would have left you and DC if the OW had been up for it, so maybe it's the resentment of being 'second best' that is eating away at you.

Time to let go then.

If you still feel this way after 3 years and counselling, I think you should end it.

I think you’ve lasted longer than many people would tbh.

Life really is too short to be so unhappy. He's the one who ruined things, you've been amazing to stay and try to mend things but clearly after 3 years, this isn't going to go away for you. There is no shame in walking away. At least you know you tried.

Gertie I think you do need to forgive at least?

I’m very happy with my life and marriage following my DHs affair, but I will never forgive him and I’m not sure he will ever forgive himself to be honest.

how on earth would you forget that. It's hardly minor.

Dump him. You deserve so much better.

It's been 3 years, and you've tried. Sometimes, it cant be fixed.

For me, the fact that she ended the affair and not him, would make me think he only stayed because better than be alone. You deserve better than that.

I'm really sorry this is going me to sound harsh; you are setting a terrible example to your children. You are suggesting it's okay for your son to behave as your husband has and that your daughter doesn't deserve any better if this happened to her. Please leave him and do something to make your life happier

It is already over. The trust is gone. You have tried. You understandably have trouble accepting/seeing that.

i think you've tried - 3 years on and you still feel the same way. I think its over OP. Sorry. Please dont stay for the kids. I hate to say this - but her would have left you should the OW have left her husband, because she didnt, he's come back to you because he had no choice - it was either you or being alone. He chose you - if youre ok with that (being second) then fine, if not then leave. Good luck.

Sometimes you just can't get passed the affair no matter how hard you try.

I've known people stay up to 8 years later and then find they just can't forgive and can't live that way anymore.

Would it be better to leave now in hope of finding love and trust... or wait another X years when it's harder to meet someone?

It's not easy either way, but that feeling of betrayal and loss of trust is soul destroying.

Interesting to read that it was the OW who wouldn’t leave her own marriage therefore your husband has to by default remain with you.
That alone is something I wouldn’t be able to forgive or forget as I would always wonder if actually he was only remaining on the marriage because he had no other option.

You deserve better.