Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't get over husband's affair

59 replies

Tostayorgo · 27/06/2018 14:04

I discovered dh's affair 3 years ago and no matter how much he does I can't get over the betrayal and the images of him with ow and it's exhausting. They were "madly in love" and dh was on the verge of leaving me and dcs but ow decided not to leave her h in the end and dh confessed all when I suspected he'd been cheating.

Dh has done everything right since I found out. I've got access to phone, emails and passwords and he tells me where he is all the time and we do more stuff as a couple than we did before the affair. He puts up with me talking about it and has shown real remorse.

He went nc with the ow straight away and he's been a better husband and better dad then before the affair.

BUT I can't forgive and forget at all and I find it impossible to move on. I am angry he did this to us and the affair is always on my mind making me angry or sad or both most days a week. I only totally forget when we are busy with other people or when we are on holiday.

When do you accept its over? Or we've done so well getting to 3 years should I just keep going?

OP posts:
MollysMummy2010 · 28/06/2018 20:09

9 years in and we are fine. Will never not have happened but it doesn’t occupy my mind much. I suppose it depends on the individual dynamics in you relationship — I chose to stay. I didn’t need to as had no kids so could have easily walked away.

GertieMotherwell · 28/06/2018 20:38

You’re not 2nd best. Who knows whether he would have actually left. Affairs are fantasy and not real life.

The OW chose to not leave her DH and he chose to not leave you.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 28/06/2018 21:02

@GertieMotherwell

The OP states this in her post:

They were "madly in love" and dh was on the verge of leaving me and dcs but ow decided not to leave her h in the end and dh confessed all when I suspected he'd been cheating

So clearly the DH was going to leave until the OW decided not too.

nanna14 · 28/06/2018 21:06

We are both going through the same only I’m six months behind you. Identical scenario. I so “get” what you say and feel as though I live a half life. We used talk about everything and eveyone but when I found out I stopped. What’s worse, if it can be worse, is my h’s chosen partner was opposite of me. Personality & looks too.

I’ve finally reached the decision in past week I deserve better even if that means a life alone, less money & more stress as for me I can’t forget.

I and children need a life. It changes you as a person entirely. The world was not what I thought it was.

GertieMotherwell · 28/06/2018 21:06

I did read the OP Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit

He didn’t leave though did he? He still could have left, but he chose to stay

Original poster
Tostayorgo · 28/06/2018 21:17

nanna ow was the total opposite of me too. So physically different. I’ll never be as thin and pretty as her despite how much exercise I now do. Ive always been maasively into fitness but since his affair Its become an obsession of mine.

It changes everything. I’m so sorry you’re going through this too but at least you have reached a decision which feels impossible to do most of the time .

I get what you mean about living a half life. Everything I’ve ever read or people I’ve tLked to almost everyone talks about feeling empty and living a half life.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/06/2018 23:00

He didn’t leave though did he? He still could have left, but he chose to stay

Semantics. He was on the verge of leaving to be with the OW. When that wasn't an option he stayed put.

He preferred to be with his wife, than be alone.

No need to bubble wrap the facts. It doesnt take away our sympathy for the OP.

GertieMotherwell · 29/06/2018 06:21

I’m not sure why anyone wouldn’t have sympathy for the OP tbh

It’s 3 years on now and there’s nothing wrong with giving the OP an alternative view and grabbing the positives. There’s certainly enough people on MN re-enforcing the negatives.

TheMonkeyMummy · 19/07/2018 00:13

How are you, OP?

LuvMyBubbles · 19/07/2018 00:20

I am six years and still never forget.
You don’t have stay together forbfor he kids you have tried.
The fact he was going to leave and only because of ow not going then I think I could never get past that. Sorry just my thoughts

TiredPony · 19/07/2018 00:33

There's a reason you posted this now OP. I think you know you have given him as much as you can. I'm 2 years on from my betrayal and single. I finally feel that I am living a full life again. You and your children deserve better. He didn't chose you, he stayed because she stayed. That's such a shitty thing to do.

Willibehappyagain · 19/07/2018 07:02

tostayorgo I think after 3 years you owe it to yourself to go. I’m 10 months in and totally get how you feel but I hope if I still feel like this after 3 years I’d give myself a chance of happiness elsewhere.

Funicorn · 19/07/2018 07:16

As a pp said, he would have left you and DC if the OW had been up for it, so maybe it's the resentment of being 'second best' that is eating away at you.

I agree that this is probably at the root of your problem . It would me . To be honest with you it NEVER goes away . It will always be there . People do not understand what betrayal of this kind does to a relationship .

The other side of it is your husband of course . What happens if she changes her mind ? He decides after all to leave ? Of course he is "doing everything right" - he wants to stay comfy after his little venture .

If you truly feel this bad then I would urge you to think of alternatives . I've been there and done it and we split 4 years down the line .

Elsi3 · 19/07/2018 09:51

My heart hurts for you OP. I know this pain only too well. I carried on for another 4 years after D day, silently hating that he had broken us.

In my case it was a little different as he then did it again 4 years later, but actually left me the second time. At the time I begged, cried, completely humiliated myself. But for all the pain it brought me, I am so glad he left me for her. I am truly happy now, and in a relationship where everything is clean and new.

It's so hard when it is you in the situation, and when you have DC involved too. It's like you want so much to undo it, but no amount of time ever will.

Look after yourself and have a really good think about how you wish to feel in a years time. If you leave, it will hurt. But you will feel better this time next year. If you stay, after 3 years you will probably continue to feel the pain you do right now. The choice is yours ultimately.

Look after yourself, I really feel for you Flowers

greendale17 · 19/07/2018 11:42

**Dh has done everything right since I found out. I've got access to phone, emails and passwords and he tells me where he is all the time and we do more stuff as a couple than we did before the affair. He puts up with me talking about it and has shown real remorse.

He went nc with the ow straight away and he's been a better husband and better dad then before the affair.**

^By all accounts your husband has done everything he can. 3 years has been and if you can’t get past it now then you never will.

AgentJohnson · 19/07/2018 12:21

It is what it is. At some stage you have to give yourself permission to move on. You weren’t the reason he strayed but you are the reason you stay.

Robin2323 · 19/07/2018 12:37

I can relate.
Marriage is hard.
Really hard.
No is one perfect.
People make mistakes.
Get it wrong.
But sometimes what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Debt, loss , betrayal , substance misuse infidelity.
Yes your old relationship has gone. You have a chance to built a new and better one.
And for all those who said he only stayed because the ow back out - who knows ?
He was probably relieved.
Affairs are fantasy.
Just an escape for the day to day.
Most just crash and burn.
Good luck x

lolastar2005 · 28/05/2019 21:27

Hi i feel for you all .i watch my husband getting close.questioning him for all most a year .him telling there is nothing going on .him then telling me and him are over he doesn't love me .then eventually i told her boyfriend.and that was the end off them .then he does love then he doesn't then he does went on like that for few months.i ask him why he can't say it he feels awkward.i ask him if loved her or did he tell he does he said no .so don't no why its awkward.we moved a way .but just over 3 years and .stressed still angry .and don't think i want be with him .but don't want ups set the family [

QueenBeex · 28/05/2019 21:32

He broke the marriage, and you did your best to try and fix it

^^^^^^^

Needsomebottle · 28/05/2019 21:39

Also in a very similar situation, although emotional affair by DH (not sure I believe that but thats a while other thread) and unlike you we haven't really talked about it.

It also ended three years ago, I was ok for a while but think my personal confidence has grown and I've probably spent three years subconsciously mulling things over and I can't move on, in fact, I can, I have and I just don't feel the same about him anymore. Kept trying in the hope something will come back. But pulling the plug, particularly after so much time and, he too has been a better husband since, seems somehow unfair and like I missed that chance? If any of that makes sense?!

I think I am slowly accepting what people say on here though - that it's ok to decide you don't want to be in a relationship anymore for whatever reason. Just to find the courage now to turn everyone's lives upside down. Another stumbling block potentially.

sanityisamyth · 28/05/2019 22:08

Why has a zombie thread been resurrected?

TooManyPuppies · 28/05/2019 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TooManyPuppies · 28/05/2019 22:19

No idea I didn't look at the starting post, replies had been recently made.
Have requested my post be deleted.

Needsomebottle · 28/05/2019 22:24

Missed the dates! 🤦

Ferfeckssake · 29/05/2019 02:24

Needsomebottle Oh yes,, exactly. I am only 6 months on since discovery and have gone through all the scenarios.
Come to the conclusion that I can never forgive or forget. But life has got in the way and I am stuck. Scary to think that I probably won't be in a somewhat better place even in 3 years.