Can't get over husband's affair

[Tostayorgo]

I discovered dh's affair 3 years ago and no matter how much he does I can't get over the betrayal and the images of him with ow and it's exhausting. They were "madly in love" and dh was on the verge of leaving me and dcs but ow decided not to leave her h in the end and dh confessed all when I suspected he'd been cheating.

Dh has done everything right since I found out. I've got access to phone, emails and passwords and he tells me where he is all the time and we do more stuff as a couple than we did before the affair. He puts up with me talking about it and has shown real remorse.

He went nc with the ow straight away and he's been a better husband and better dad then before the affair.

BUT I can't forgive and forget at all and I find it impossible to move on. I am angry he did this to us and the affair is always on my mind making me angry or sad or both most days a week. I only totally forget when we are busy with other people or when we are on holiday.

When do you accept its over? Or we've done so well getting to 3 years should I just keep going?

Zombie thread but I wonder what the OP did?

@Tostayorgo

How are you doing OP? I commented on this thread when you first posted.

Any improvement in how you feel?

Do you still love him? Do you want to be with him. Do you trust him now? If the answer to all three is yes then you know the answer.

I’ve been with my husband for 14 years and married for 9.5 years we have 2 children together and he has a child from his first marriage. I genuinely thought I was my husbands whole life and 17 months down the line I still feel shocked and sad. I think it’s harder for me that the other woman told me through social media. I was suspicious for months and gave my husband so many opportunities to tell me and he didn’t and constantly lied to me. I feel so gullible and so hurt. Even when the other woman was telling me I was struggelling to believe it was true. He was so busy with the other woman and on his phone all the time etc that it caused his business to fold. I’ve never felt so hurt betrayed and stressed in my life. I feel just as upset today as I did in Aug 2018 when I found out. I’ve had suicidal thoughts which I’m now medicated for and live in same town as the other woman so I have seen her a few times but no confrontation has taken place.

I genuinely don’t know what to do as my husband was so remorseful and affair was well over when I found out and it was him that ended it but I just feel I can’t get over it. Sometimes I can’t look at his phone as I’m worried about what I’d see. My mental health has took a massive knock and I’m feeling so low again. This is the 2nd Christmas since I found out and it still feels so raw. I feel so embarrassed that so many people know about the affair so my marriage is a joke and I’m trying to do what is best for my children but there’s times I think they’d all be better off without me. I’m a walking talking miserable existence now and I feel so sorry for my family and friends. Does anyone else find it hard to move on?

Loanmcf

I hope you are getting support right now through family or the Samaritans. You are worth so much and mean everything to your children. You need to do whatever you can to make yourself feel well and recognise your worth. Don't define yourself by a man or a marriage as you are your own person. You have nothing to be ashamed of, your husband was the weak person who made a mistake. If you can't accept it and if his affair has affected how you fundamentally feel about yourself then you really need to consider what is best for you. As a happy mum equals happy children. Do what is right for you. The affair is not a reflection of you, it is a reflection of your husbands weakness. Some people cheat, others don't, unfortunately you married a person who cheated, it could happen to any of us. Don't worry about what other people think because the only people that matter are you and your kids. Do whatever you can to make yourself feel good about yourself again as You are important. Good luck xx

They were "madly in love" and dh was on the verge of leaving me and dcs but ow decided not to leave her h in the end

this is why you cannot get over it OP.. or a large part of why.. he didn't choose You.. he didn't choose to stay.. he had nowhere to go, when she wouldn't leave her husband... He knows it.. She knows it.. You know it.. sorry OP but I agree with everyone here.. you deserve so much better

Thank you for your message. I tried to phone Samaritans but cried too much to call them. I think I’m feeling sorry for myself today and hopefully I feel better in the morning. I’m so up and down all the time. I honestly admire women that walk away it takes guts. X

Well finally a placeI can share my situation with
Well my husband and I have a child that is 6 mths old and I found out when I was pregnant he cheated on my and the. After I gave birth about 2 weeks later I caught his other phone that he says he just uses for music so I woke up to feed my baby about 5 am and found his phone opend it and seen all the pictures of him on face time to other girls with them both with there bits out I can not forget this I have tryed so many times I confronted him about 6.30 In the morning after I sent all the pics to my self for proffer just in case he denied it and he said I stoped it all after our baby was born but I just can’t get over it I have tryed so much but I just can’t well I forget about it and then when alone I can’t stop thinking about it we’re fine now prefect no problems he is amazing with our child but I can not forget it it’s make me think just why and how could he even do this to me just can’t stop thinking about it

If you need an answer to whether you should leave or stay, try to imagine where you would like to see yourself in five years time, or how you would like to spend your retirement. The picture in your head should provide you with an answer.
Regarding his affair, OP, you have been traumatised. There is no shelf life to trauma; you may well continue to experience these feelings for a long time. What he did to you he should not have done. His efforts since then go some way to showing you that he does still feel love for you though, doesn't it?