Heartbroken at the thought of broken family

[Bobbster]

I have been with my partner for 17 years, have 2 gorgeous boys aged 9 and 7. The relationship has been breaking down for the past 5 years but we have stayed together so far for the children. He has been talking about splitting up that whole time, but nothing ever happens and then he sends confusing messages and plans for the future - like booking a summer holiday altogether, buying a new family car, adding kids to private health scheme etc. Last night we had a discussion where he said we are definitely splitting up when the eldest goes to secondary next September. He won't move out before then, he has been in the spare room for a few months.

I don't particularly love him but the thought of splitting up the family and the effect it will have on the boys is killing me. I am a firm believer that you do whatever it takes to provide your children with a stable home, and that you put your own selfish needs after theirs. I can't bear the thought of not seeing them every day and don't think I would cope at all well, I can't see it making me any happier. My youngest is always saying things like "family is the most important thing". My eldest is tricky, has anger issues, trouble with emotional regulation and is showing signs of Tourettes. I cannot see how splitting the family unit is going to help these things.

He has always been a challenging child since the beginning, my partner found it particularly stressful, became quite anxious and it took a long time to persuade him to have a second. I desperately wanted a third but he refused, so I suppose there is some lingering resentment on my side. We have very different parenting styles, I am more laid back, he is very big on discipline, strict bedtimes etc. Everything that goes wrong - e.g my son not being good at losing, or them being fussy eaters - he blames on my parenting.

My partner is quite a shouty, short-tempered critical person. I have a fear of conflict and confrontation so tend to withdraw as a self-preservation thing. A lot gets swept under the carpet, nothing gets resloved and the gap has been widening.

I am currently only working 15 hours a week in a school as I want to be able to see my children after school and not put them in clubs in the summer holidays. He says I need to get a full time job so we can buy 2 properties. I should add that I am suffering from anxiety and depression, am on anti-depressants and doing CBT, but I do drink too much alcohol as a coping mechanism (we both do).

Please help me as I really don't want to split up the family unit, having to be ferried between 2 homes would be so sad and disruptive for them.

It sounds like staying together appeases your anxiety more than anything else. Preparing for something makes things a lot easier than waiting for the inevitable without a plan. Splitting will be disruptive (change is) but your marriage sounds toxic and is probably doing more long term damage to you all.

Your children know you are unhappy i am not trying to make you feel guilty but they will know and this toing and froing is doing nothing for you either imo you need to take control of the situation when you feel strong enough because your husband keeps moving the goal posts and that isn't fair, you can be a happy family but not live together.

Has it ever occurred to you that your marital discourse could be contributing to your child’s anger issue? Not to apportion blame but his outbursts could be an outward manifestation of things he’s internalised.

A family is never broken, it's just a family. Many people live happily in all kinds of family set ups. Lots would be offended to think you view them as 'broken'.
I don't want to be harsh but you're making excuses. Children adapt. Children are no less loved for their parents not living together.
I'm sorry you're going through a stressful time though and I hope you can come to a solution soon.

Can you honestly say there isn't an atmosphere when you're home together?

All that uncertainty would drive me loopy.

Kids aren't stupid.

Seriously. You need help. You are way over thinking all of this and catastrophising beyond normal. Plenty of people split up and your kids aren’t babies anymore. They don’t need you wiping their noses every 5 minutes. Your husband has already said you are definitely splitting up next September so what are you doing? Seriously. Is he going to actually have to pack your bags and put them on the doorstep for you to get the hint! Get some self respect and a backbone. Your kids will be fine if you are fine. You could actually throw your energy into making a split work and the time they are away from you, you can rebuild your life because honestly, you sound totally lost and absorbed in the kids needs rather than just being and living normally. You could probably benefit from seeing a therapist and a solicitor. Take control. Tell him actually you aren’t waiting for next September. If he wants out then do it now. Why should it be on his timetable.

Yes I have thought that my son's anger issue is probably related to how he sees his Dad losing his temper and shouting so frequently, I guess he has not had a good role model when it comes to expressing anger in a positive way. They are also very similar personalities.

I agree that we are probably staying together from fear. I guess it is the way I have been brought up though, that relationships go through rocky patches, but you work through them and put the kids first.

By the way, I am not catastrophising - surely it is normal to be worried about the kids adjusting? And I don't baby them, they are very independent kids. I give them a lot of freedom, their Dad less so. I would say the eldest may not be happy, but the youngest is such a chirpy, happy, funny soul I would be very surprised if he was suffering from the atmosphere.

One other thing, I told him last night that I am not going on our family summer holiday this year as it would be just putting on a brave face and the tension would be fairly obvious. He seemed to think this was unreasonable and that I had to suck it up for the kids' sake.

My friend used to go on family holidays with her ex she put a stop to it because it was miserable good for you for saying no. Their dad can take them the pretence must be exhausti g for you.

Sorry to hear of your situation. I think living with unhappy parents is more damaging to children than living under one roof. I split up from my dd's Dad and (eventually) met such a lovely guy. Now been together 10 years and couldn't be happier. He's a much better role model for my dd than her actual father!

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you?. You state he is your partner so I guess you and he are not married.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and it looks like yours taught you a lot of damaging lessons. What are you both in turn now teaching your kids about relationships; both of you are imparting damaging lessons to them which they are also absorbing.

What are they seeing in their mum and dad currently; they see a dad who drinks too much has been harking on about separating for the past 5 years. They have picked up on all the vibes and have likely reacted in kind to what they see at home. They see you as their anxious and depressed mother who tries to drink her troubles away. You are also on ADs; these and alcohol are an unhealthy mix and alcohol also acts as a depressant. You need to stop the booze altogether now because its not helping you as a crutch. Its not a stable home life they are seeing here. Both of you in your own ways have acted in your own self interest with the short and long term best interests of your kids coming second. That has to change for both you and they.

Children like parents staying together but that is not always possible and certainly not in your case.

It will do your children no favours at all to stay with their dad out of your fear of the unknown. Your children are perceptive; they know that things are bad between you and their dad but hopefully do not blame themselves for their parents troubles. Do you really want to show them that a loveless relationship is their norm too because that is precisely what you are showing them. Some legacy that is to leave them. Do not do this to them or you.

Its also not down to your partner either to dictate the timetable of separation. You need to take some control back here before he does have it all. If he wants to leave then he should go now. Waiting till next September is not going to benefit anyone least of all your kids. All that does is really show your kids that your relationship was based on a lie and that you stayed together because of them, they are not going to say thanks mum to you for staying with him.

I have ended the relationship with my partner, very recently, we have only been separarated 3wks. We have a 2.5yr old son and I’m also 3 months pregnant with my second, I tell you now it was the scariest thing I have ever had to do but the relationship was toxic, my partner was also very short tempered, angry all the time, shouty and it has had a negative effect on our son, his relationship with his father is awful and this really saddens me.
BUT....since my partner moved out everything is so much better, our son does not seem affected by it at all, he is calmer, less stressed, as am I and I can see him warming to his dad, it’s so much better now he isn’t around all that negativity anymore, he is now getting the best of both his parents.
I’ve realised that I stayed with my partner out of guilt, guilt of splitting the family up etc but I now realise I have done what’s best for my family.

Oh and like others have said....you can’t put a label on what family is. You will still be a family, probably a happier one!
Family is about respect, love and treating one another with kindness, and that doesn’t have to come from all living under the same roof.

My dad was both physically and emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up, yet if you'd asked me at the time if I'd wanted my parents to split up it would have been an emphatic No. Because change is scary especially when you're not the one in charge of those changes. However now I'm an adult I resent my mum for not getting us out of that environment and it's damaged our relationship irrevocably - I went no contact for 15 years till my dad died and now see my mum once or twice a year at most. You're the adult here and you need to do what's best for everyone in the longer term.

Obviously the kids don't know he wants to split, he only ever talks about it when they are not around, so I think they will be shocked when they find out. To them we are the same as their friends' families, we eat together, talk, laugh, have days out, playtime etc

It's not his decision about changing jobs ..... buying 2 properties etc ...

You need to start taking control,and not let everything be his decision, have you seen a solicitor ?

Not yet, i can't afford one, will see if there is free help available

See a solicitor - they all offer a free half hour advice session.

Get your ducks in a row.

Your children will be happier with two happy parents that live separately than two unhappy parents under one roof.

Do not kid yourself for one moment that the kids do not know what's going on.

They will be fine and happy.

You will be fine and happy.

Think of your children, what you are modelling for them. Show them a man treats his partner like shit and they will in turn show their own partners the same. Show your kids that you deserve love and respect and they will learn to treat others with love and respect.

You won't be the first mother to leave the father of her children. You won't be the last. If all those others have done it then so can you. Tell yourself that enough times and you will grow the self respect to leave this man who has already said he will leave you next September.

I couldn't live in the same house as someone els3 who obviously does not love me.

He does not love you. Leave him and you will take back the control in your relationships.

You will blossom.

Your kids will blossom.

I don’t agree that having 2 homes is sad for children.
My DD loves having 2 of everything, and she enjoys spending time away from each parent Regularly. We all get a bit of breathing space from one another when the stress of the week has got too much.
She also gets the added advantage of spending time with each of us in a happy environment, which in turn makes her a happier child.
I agree with a previous poster that said you need to start spending your energy focusing on a new start, do you really want to be stuck in this relationship forever? It’s not best for the kids and it’s not best for either of you as individuals. Self-respect is needed. Families that have been spilt don’t live in doom & gloom.

I had hoped that he would try and improve the relationship so we weren't modelling a bad one. i feel I have made an effort to be less cold and withdrawn, but he doen't seem to have tried to tone down the criticism and moodiness, or been to the doctor about his own anxiety. He won't try counselling.

Looking at “broken families” a different way, while with my abusive ex, our family was badly broken. Now my family is fixed.

It sounds like he is sure he wants to end the relationship, in which case you don’t have much say in wether your family spilts or not.
You can’t change a person, only yourself. If it’s still not right for you or the kids... time to leave. It’s not worth being unhappy on the hope they will change. Years go by waiting, by then your kids will already pick up on bad vibes

What is your financial situation, OP?

He is the main earner, I was a SAHM for several years, now work part-time but only 15 hours a week in school hours (plus some adhoc invigilating) but he basically pays the mortgage and bills, whatever I earn is spending money/clothes/kids clubs/money towards holiday etc. So I cannot see how we can afford to run 2 properties, even if we downsized hugely which obviously we would have to.