Heartbroken at the thought of broken family

[Bobbster]

I have been with my partner for 17 years, have 2 gorgeous boys aged 9 and 7. The relationship has been breaking down for the past 5 years but we have stayed together so far for the children. He has been talking about splitting up that whole time, but nothing ever happens and then he sends confusing messages and plans for the future - like booking a summer holiday altogether, buying a new family car, adding kids to private health scheme etc. Last night we had a discussion where he said we are definitely splitting up when the eldest goes to secondary next September. He won't move out before then, he has been in the spare room for a few months.

I don't particularly love him but the thought of splitting up the family and the effect it will have on the boys is killing me. I am a firm believer that you do whatever it takes to provide your children with a stable home, and that you put your own selfish needs after theirs. I can't bear the thought of not seeing them every day and don't think I would cope at all well, I can't see it making me any happier. My youngest is always saying things like "family is the most important thing". My eldest is tricky, has anger issues, trouble with emotional regulation and is showing signs of Tourettes. I cannot see how splitting the family unit is going to help these things.

He has always been a challenging child since the beginning, my partner found it particularly stressful, became quite anxious and it took a long time to persuade him to have a second. I desperately wanted a third but he refused, so I suppose there is some lingering resentment on my side. We have very different parenting styles, I am more laid back, he is very big on discipline, strict bedtimes etc. Everything that goes wrong - e.g my son not being good at losing, or them being fussy eaters - he blames on my parenting.

My partner is quite a shouty, short-tempered critical person. I have a fear of conflict and confrontation so tend to withdraw as a self-preservation thing. A lot gets swept under the carpet, nothing gets resloved and the gap has been widening.

I am currently only working 15 hours a week in a school as I want to be able to see my children after school and not put them in clubs in the summer holidays. He says I need to get a full time job so we can buy 2 properties. I should add that I am suffering from anxiety and depression, am on anti-depressants and doing CBT, but I do drink too much alcohol as a coping mechanism (we both do).

Please help me as I really don't want to split up the family unit, having to be ferried between 2 homes would be so sad and disruptive for them.

Splitting up isn't selfish. It sounds like you and your husband are incredibly unhappy, you're children without a doubt will be picking up on that, you can't hide it. As someone who grew up in a similar household I can tell you now it is better for all to be honest with yourselves and split. There is nothing wrong in teaching your children that your happiness is important too, so they chase their happiness in adulthood too and don't think they have to make do because that's what you did.

Your kids don’t know he’s been in the spare room for a few months?
I’m sure they would have noticed by now

Have you also thought about the impact of so many changes for your youngest if you wait until sept 2019 (is that right) to actually part ways?
What is the benefit to wait until then? Surely it would be best that he is settled in his home life then start a new school.

Re schools, check the school admission criteria on line, very popular schools have address permanence clauses but its reasonably rare and will be stated clearly.

I think you are trying to process the news, your partner seems intent on leaving as you both accept you are unhappy.
His weekend idea was selfish but its more his reaction when you said No..if he accepted it then fine, if he punished you then not ok.

Don't underestimate the impact of tension and drinking on the dc.They will be aware even if you think you hide it.The comments re family from youngest could be his attempt to mask the reality...if he says it enough it will be true.
Separation can be awful but usually only for a period of time and it depends on the conflict between parents.

I would always support couples trying to stay together but not at any cost.It is definitely more harmful modelling poor relationship skills and I feel boys seem to cope less well in adult life especially if their father was bullying.

What I believe we see on the relationship board is mostly women (although not exclusively) struggling with partners who have had destructive childhoods and their attitudes to women have been formed by their fathers disrespect for their mothers.

You can break the cycle.

If your drinking is excessive or very regular then I suggest you get blood tests, it may give you the motivation to stop.As we reach 40s the likelihood of damage is very high.

A helpful thing will be to stop drinking specially as you are taking medication. Things are very challenging at home making your anxiety and depression worse.
You don't have to get a full time job until the kids get older. See what a solicitor advices.
I think you can have a much brighter happier future alone with your dc.
Look for the positive in moving forward.

Yes, his father was extremely abusive to his mother so he has not had a good role model there, he was also very bullying and abusive to his sons so the pattern seems to be continuing (though OH is not physically abusive).
However I have not had a particularly good role model either, my parents have been together over 50 years but there is a lot of bitterness and resentment there as my mother is a controlling bitch and my father never stuck up to her (on our behalf aswell). They are only now starting to respect each other a bit more now that my mother is basically caring for him.

The kids are happy when we have an evening at home without their Dad as it is "much calmer" so yes, they would probably benefit from a less tense atmosphere living apart. But do we tell them now, and then let me live in this strange atmosphere for several months while we sort out new homes? Or plough on in secret and let them know once their homes are sorted. What do we say? Can't bear the thought of their little faces and the tears.

I really think your plan for the holiday is a bad one. A last minute drop out is going to cause a huge amount of anxiety, it would be much better to either go, or each go on holiday with the kids separately.

As for the separation, it’s clearly going to happen, so you just need to get a plan in place and sort out practicalities. Work out the school situation and go forward from there. But get facts.
As others have said, you need to focus on the future. Children living in a toxic environment know. It’s a fact. You cannot hide anything.

Children are not the best judges of what is right for them which is why we take that responsibility for these choices.

Your children would be upset if you split up but that doesn’t mean it isn’t right. I remember watching a programme about social services and a social worker saying kids almost always want to stay with their parents, even those neglected and abused. I’m not suggesting your children are in an abusive environment! Just that unfortunately sometimes disruptive choices are the best ones long term.

Maybe it’s best if you have separate homes sorted first before telling the kids, but obviously before you both move out.
Just trying to think in a kids mind, telling them what’s going to happen and then nothing happens for months, they may assume it isn’t happening/was just an outburst etc..
I know my kids constantly asked when we were moving house as we had told them we would be (in the future) they didn’t understand the organisation & planning takes time. They felt better assured once we had viewed the house and were able to show them photos.