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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is Sexting cheating for you?

60 replies

Schhemz · 26/06/2018 13:10

Hi Ladies,

A little advice needed. I can answer my own question very easily but would like some other opinions.

Is Sexting cheating?

My situation is that I have been with my BF for 4 years. 12 months ago I caught him sexting another woman after I had an ectopic pregnancy and I was in hospital. It was only intuition that told me something was up so yes I snooped and found what I needed to. We live together so I left for a couple of weeks and when I went back I somehow managed to find forgiveness. I am a believer that we all make mistakes. Its taken 12 months to really get through it all but the last 12 months have not been bad for either of us.

Fast forward to a month ago and I my phone battery had died and I needed to check the time. As I clicked on his phone 4 messages flashed up with a womans face. It was general chit chat about the weather etc but only messages for her. He had deleted the message thread. When I asked him who it was he said he didnt know who it was and said "looks theres no previous message history and the number isnt saved" He even went as far as texting her to say who is this after I told him to. 30 minutes later he told the truth. He said its a friend and they just chit chat which honestly I am fine with. He said he had deleted the messages because he wanted to cut the friendship with her.

So I said ok, you know what it seems you are treating me as a fool. I want us to take a couple of weeks and really think about what we both want out of this relationship because even if she was just a friend you lied to my face and of course after last year this just brings up a big fat red flag again.

As I said we live together so I tool the other room for a couple of weeks and said to him lets talk in a couple of weeks for now I need some alone time.
Well you know what he did? Instead of taking sometime he registered on several dating apps. I only found this out because he left his google account signed into my laptop and his whole phone search history was there infront of my face.

I confronted him of course. He told me that it was all my fault and that he needed entertainment as I had pushed him away.

A few days later he broke down and told me he was so so sorry and he couldnt continue like this. He wants to get married, try for kids and this will never happen again.

I am stil at the house but we are more apart than ever. I have told him the only hope he has with me now is to go to therapy. He refuses and tells me no. He says people that go to therapy are either sick or have an addiction. I told him I think hes a little of both.

So were at a head, He wont go to therapy and I wont even listed to his sorry excuses until he does.

Of course im going to tell you the normal lines of he is really a good guy and im quite shocked at all this and I love him etc etc...
What do you think? Could you accept this?

OP posts:
NeedHoliday101 · 26/06/2018 13:17

No.. marriage is hard enough, even without lying or other people in it. Deal breaker for me. Life is too short.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/06/2018 13:17

He wants to get married, try for kids and this will never happen again
Blimey - that's an extreme thing to say just to get out of being a liar and a cheat.
YES, it is cheating.
As with my ExP, it leads to other things.
You've had all the warnings now.
The red bunting is flying in your face.
Ignore it at your peril!
These men NEVER change!

seafoodeatit · 26/06/2018 13:19

Yes it is cheating. It would be enough for me to LTB, life is too short to be with someone you can't trust.

OnlyBaBaBiss · 26/06/2018 13:21

You’re not married and have no kids, no ties to him at all - run the fuck away before you do have real ties and it becomes impossible

GetOffTheTableMabel · 26/06/2018 13:24

I’m sorry to be blunt but it would be monumentally stupid to marry and have children with someone who behaves like this already.
He won’t even consider therapy!

Discotits · 26/06/2018 13:25

He’s a cunt. Don’t bother with him.

ShatnersWig · 26/06/2018 13:30

Of course it's bloody cheating. Your partner is a total arsehole and should be wiped from your life as soon as possible, preferably yesterday. You shouldn't even have suggested therapy. Get out of this mockery of a relationship and have nothing more to do with him.

PS We're not all ladies.

mindutopia · 26/06/2018 13:30

If he can’t cut it now when life is easy and carefree, relatively speaking, imagine how much ‘entertainment’ he’s going to need when you’re 10 years in with two kids and you haven’t even managed five minutes alone in peace in forever. It really shouldn’t be this hard early on. And yes, absolutely would consider that cheating and no different from having actual sex with someone else.

arranfan · 26/06/2018 13:30

As the saying goes, "When people show you who they are, believe them". He has now shown you who he is on several occasions despite your acknowledgement that people make mistakes and can recover from them.

He is refusing to address the problems that you have both recognised. What evidence does he have from his life that he can sort his behaviour without assistance from a counsellor/psychologist and that he can learn how to be a reliable adult?

Schhemz · 26/06/2018 13:31

Thank you ladies! My mind is already made up I just wanted to check with other people as I have been self doubting.

I already paid a deposit and on a new flat and half way out the door!

OP posts:
ScoobyGangMember · 26/06/2018 13:34

Not cheating, no. But it's sexting, which is very serious and depending on the circumstances could well be a deal breaker.

Schhemz · 26/06/2018 13:34

Sorry, not only Ladies :/

Im new :)

OP posts:
callywags · 26/06/2018 13:34

Hi Op

Sorry to hear that you had an topic pregnancy.

Please d not marry this man, you can make a clean break now, before you bring kids into the relationship, he has shown you what he thinks of you by joining dating sights instead of doing the work to correct your relationship.
Your value is worth more than this, go and be with someone who knows they are lucky t he with you.

He seeks others because of himself not because you "pushed him away" it's all on him, don't for one second believe it's something you are doing to make him be like that.
Do you really want to live your life always wondering what he is up to?

AnyFucker · 26/06/2018 13:36

Nope, he wouldn't do for me

I am glad to see you have more self respect than to cling on to this inadequate sexual incontinent

cakecakecheese · 26/06/2018 13:38

It's not just the sexting though, it's the lying and then the registering on dating sites and blaming you. You're definitely better off without him as I'm not sure you could ever really trust him, especially as he refuses to attend councelling with you.

Moonkissedlegs · 26/06/2018 13:40

Sexting is absolutely cheating. In fact, it kind of seems worse that cheating because its very premeditated and conscious.

He sounds like a total loser, glad you are getting rid Flowers

OurMiracle1106 · 26/06/2018 13:43

He went and looked for a replacement online when you told him he needed to work out what he wants out of the relationship. Regardless to him saying marriage and kids his actions have shown that he doesn’t want to be in this relationship and isn’t serious.

Sorry Sad

Brakebackcyclebot · 26/06/2018 13:55

Yes, this is cheating. Get rid, quickly

Grasslands · 26/06/2018 14:10

Playing you for a fool, would he have said no to a meet up...maybe not this time but 4 years down the road? Sounds like he wants you at his beck and call plus sexy excitement on the side...bin the boy

MeMyShelfandIkea · 26/06/2018 14:32

I'd definitely class sexting as cheating. You can't get close enough to someone to do that without crossing all kinds of boundaries to get to that point.

Schhemz · 26/06/2018 14:41

This is the thing, We had a very good relationship. Lots of "Sexy excitement!". I am a independent lady, with a good job, love cooking and caring fro other people. no kids, no debts. Him on the other hand is mortgaged up to his eye balls and has a child from a previously relationship where he also though the grass is greener on the other side.

He is a very self absorbed guy and doesn't do empathy and compassion with others. If the shits down for example thats your problem not his.

I dont think anyone can change such a deep rooted personality without help from a professional.

I have 2 days left until I leave and even though you dont know me or him you have given me the strength that I need to launch myself into a new life.

Thank you very much x

OP posts:
Rosepetals11 · 26/06/2018 14:56

It depends what you define as cheating I personally think it’s cheating some would only class cheating as being more physical but sexting is just as bad in my opinion

Is it the first time you’ve ever come across this?

callywags · 26/06/2018 15:02

Good woman!!!
Best of luck without this drop kick waster! Best of luck with it all.

He will be getting his just desserts 🎉

Tara336 · 26/06/2018 15:05

ITs not something I could accept

hellsbellsmelons · 26/06/2018 15:22

Good luck.
Here's to your new life. Wine