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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is Sexting cheating for you?

60 replies

Schhemz · 26/06/2018 13:10

Hi Ladies,

A little advice needed. I can answer my own question very easily but would like some other opinions.

Is Sexting cheating?

My situation is that I have been with my BF for 4 years. 12 months ago I caught him sexting another woman after I had an ectopic pregnancy and I was in hospital. It was only intuition that told me something was up so yes I snooped and found what I needed to. We live together so I left for a couple of weeks and when I went back I somehow managed to find forgiveness. I am a believer that we all make mistakes. Its taken 12 months to really get through it all but the last 12 months have not been bad for either of us.

Fast forward to a month ago and I my phone battery had died and I needed to check the time. As I clicked on his phone 4 messages flashed up with a womans face. It was general chit chat about the weather etc but only messages for her. He had deleted the message thread. When I asked him who it was he said he didnt know who it was and said "looks theres no previous message history and the number isnt saved" He even went as far as texting her to say who is this after I told him to. 30 minutes later he told the truth. He said its a friend and they just chit chat which honestly I am fine with. He said he had deleted the messages because he wanted to cut the friendship with her.

So I said ok, you know what it seems you are treating me as a fool. I want us to take a couple of weeks and really think about what we both want out of this relationship because even if she was just a friend you lied to my face and of course after last year this just brings up a big fat red flag again.

As I said we live together so I tool the other room for a couple of weeks and said to him lets talk in a couple of weeks for now I need some alone time.
Well you know what he did? Instead of taking sometime he registered on several dating apps. I only found this out because he left his google account signed into my laptop and his whole phone search history was there infront of my face.

I confronted him of course. He told me that it was all my fault and that he needed entertainment as I had pushed him away.

A few days later he broke down and told me he was so so sorry and he couldnt continue like this. He wants to get married, try for kids and this will never happen again.

I am stil at the house but we are more apart than ever. I have told him the only hope he has with me now is to go to therapy. He refuses and tells me no. He says people that go to therapy are either sick or have an addiction. I told him I think hes a little of both.

So were at a head, He wont go to therapy and I wont even listed to his sorry excuses until he does.

Of course im going to tell you the normal lines of he is really a good guy and im quite shocked at all this and I love him etc etc...
What do you think? Could you accept this?

OP posts:

LilFish · 26/06/2018 17:24

I think you've def made the right decision, well done for being so resilient. Good luck in your new flat!!

MegaClutterSlut · 26/06/2018 17:27

I personally think it's crossing a line. Sexting should only be done between the 2 in the relationship and no outsiders imo as it's too of an intimate thing to be doing with anyone else other than your partner imo.

agentdaisy · 26/06/2018 17:38

For me it's cheating if you're in a relationship. It's something that should be between the two partners in a relationship.

Don't marry him, and definitely don't have kids with him.

Stay strong and keep to your plan of moving on with your life without him. You deserve far better than him.

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/06/2018 17:40

Good for you op

Does he know your going, or will it be a surprise

yetmorecrap · 26/06/2018 17:44

He clearly has a pretty short attention span and needs a buzz at times. That’s not going to work long term to be honest or when life gets tough

TooTrueToBeGood · 26/06/2018 17:45

If it breaches your trust then it's cheating. If they know it breaches your trust it's definitely cheating. The what is just detail. Do you want to build your future with someone you can't trust?

Babyblues052 · 26/06/2018 17:48

Yes sexton is cheating in my eyes and absolutely no way would I continue to put up with this shit. I'd leave

Pacificwander · 26/06/2018 17:50

He's been caught and now wants to butter you up " let's forget how shit I am and throw a big fake party and burden this relationship with kids whom you'll have to raise while I continue being a shit without consequences oh and don't dare ask me to talk or unravel my behaviour in a healthy way thru counselling "

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 26/06/2018 17:59

Yes it’s cheating. I think it’s very wise to cut your losses and move on. I didn’t when it happened to me (not straight away- took a whole lot more of the same behaviour before I did leave).

TeacupTattoo · 26/06/2018 18:34

Hope you feel really proud of your strength leaving, it's never easy especially when you start doubting yourself. For me sexting is cheating in a relationship...the need to hide it shows it as that. There are men out there who would not dream of doing it, please don't take it as normal modern behaviour. Good luck.

tccat · 26/06/2018 19:48

He's saying a lot of things but look at what he actually does, there's your answer

Niceviews · 26/06/2018 19:51

Again thank you for all your replies. Only giving me more strength as in this type of situation you can question yourself a lot. What if this time he won't do it again. What if I am looking a good man.

Like I said the first time I could accept as we all fuck up bit it took all my strength and therapy to get back to "normal" my therapist said I if I wanted to stay with him I and trust him I would have to "hope" he would not do it again. The word hope does not exist for us anymore.

He knows I am leaving. He has gone away on a camping trip with his buddies but texting everyday and pleading with me. Again I said get therapy and we will see but I will still leave. I think if I don't it proves I am not serious.

Thanks again for all your honesty !

mogratpineapple · 26/06/2018 19:55

There are many types of cheating, not just physical. I've seen this type (sexting) called micro-cheating, mental cheating, psychological cheating and so on. Think of the word 'cheating'. Scummy. Do you want to be with someone like this? No. You deserve better.

SuperSuperSuper · 26/06/2018 19:57

Stick to your guns, OP.

And yes, messaging like this is cheating. There doesn't have to be physical contact. In fact, a drunken ONS is more forgivable imo (just about) than a regular, premeditated, emotional connection.

Churrolicious · 26/06/2018 20:08

I think you've done the right thing. Does he know you're leaving yet? Make sure you do it safely. He sounds like a manipulative arse.

Niceviews · 26/06/2018 20:47

He is doing or saying nothing different than when it happened last year. Just that it's an error it's a big mistake and he really regrets it.

Calling me earlier today he was crying so hard and couldn't speak and now he's just been on the phone all angry and that all I see is bad things now and don't recognise any of the good times we had.

He has said he will go to therapy but only if I go to. I have refused and simply because Jane he screwed with my head last year I got very angry. I was a big angry ball of fire and he told me that we could not continue the relationship until I got help for my anger.
I went to therapy and the therapist told me that I had a reason to be angry but I needed to learn how to control it. She said that he should also be in therapy with me bit he refused. He said it was my problem not his.

Of course now he says I should not be comparing that situation and I should go to therapy with him.

Having a very frustrating evening whilst still packing boxes !

callywags · 26/06/2018 21:03

Just keep packing your boxes and don't get sucked in to the pleas of a desperate man

Niceviews · 26/06/2018 21:05

He is making me feel very guilty for leaving such a good man after all these are only small mistakes and he hasn't slept with anyone.

Sigh. Lord give me strength.

callywags · 26/06/2018 21:11

But he will keep pushing boundaries if you stay.
And of course laying on the guilt is all he has now, you are stronger than that, I seriously can't wait for an update when you meet someone who will love you right.

TooTrueToBeGood · 26/06/2018 23:53

Married? Kids? House or business together? If the answer to any 2+ of these is yes then maybe, just maybe, it's worth persevering with a relationship that needs therapy to fix it. Otherwise, do yourself a favour and get out without looking back. Otherwise, he will suck you back in and eventually his fucked up version of what a relationship is will become normal to you.

SallyVating · 27/06/2018 03:13

He's a cunt. Fuck him off.

bastardkitty · 27/06/2018 04:05

He really is a headworker. Ignore. Pack. Go. Live.

Niceviews · 30/06/2018 17:21

Hey people. I have read a lot of forums over the past few weeks and for some reason the person starting the thread never comes back with the outcome and I always feel a bit disappointed after reading the whole thread.

So, I did it. I left!! It was the most hardest decision of my life to leave a man who I loved for such a long time and put my while into the relationship but in the end all I got back was cheating.

There were many times over the past week I could of listened to his sorry excuses and took him back. After all I loved the guy and he didn't physically cheat. But it's all too much for me and the conclusion is I deserve better, much much better.

My better right now is that I choose me and I draw a line under this fake relationship.

Love to you all x

StillAgony · 30/06/2018 18:15

Thank you for the update :)
I'm about a week in front of you....my XP was sexting an ex in Feb, I tried to trust him again - there are other issues in his life that he was using as a reason for getting back in touch with her - but then last week I found an email enquiring about a dating site. He said he was just curious.
Well, he can be as curious as he likes now...I did/do love him, but will never be able to trust him again. He said its not cheating as he didn't have sex with anyone. I said the intent was there, including creating a secret email address. Reading your post and comments has made me realise that I'm not the only one who thinks sexting is cheating.
Good luck in your new life x

Niceviews · 30/06/2018 18:30

Thank you for sharing your story. I feel for you. I have been trying to put myself in his shoes thinking if I got caught doing that what would I say. Well I understand myself that I wouldn't say nothing because I would know if I am in a position to be doing that then I shouldn't be in the relationship at all.

I feel a deep sense of relief tonight. The first night in my new place that I do not have to question myself anymore about what if I've just walked away from a good man. What if he has seen the light and can change.

I don't want to live my life as a what if girl that has got trust issues. I was never that woman before I met him. It's not the real me.

Keep pushing forward honey. We know we deserve better. You can always pm me if you want x

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