Should I tell a guy about his bad hygiene?

[LilFish]

Hi all,

I went on a few dates with a guy i met online. He's a kind guy with good points but I have just had to end things (turn him down for next date) because his personal hygiene was poor and he really smelled bad. His clothes were also grubby with holes.

I gave him a chance as we did have strong chemistry at the start. I suppose I could've said something but don't really want a relationship where I have to tell the guy to.wash. One time he did agree to dress smartly for a date somewhere formal, but turned up in his usual gear and I had to open the bus windows.

Money is not the problem in terms of being able to wash and do laundry as he has a good job.

I dont want to be overly harsh in case it's because he's got health problems which he's not told me about yet e.g. is depressed (not saying for one second that everyone with depression is like this, just that I know people can stop taking care of themselves).

I sent a polite but clear message saying I didn't think we were a good match. Thing is, he has texted me twice saying he wants to talk, how it'd be important to him, and he's tried to ring.

Should I tell him the real reason and if so how? I wouldn't like this to ruin his future chances with other women as he is nice.

I'm honestly not fussy about clothes or being immaculately groomed, this was genuine bad hygiene.

if you can bear to have the conversation then do it, I don't know if I could though. Its quite weird though isnt it?

Why not, if you offend him, so be it, but you have ended it anyway, and it might help him. However, do make clear that your decision is final, it sounds like he is desperate to change your mind.

Yup, it is weird and I don't particularly want to talk to him to be honest, just dunno whether it'd be the right thing to do. Horrible convo to have though and I've no idea how I'd breach it!

Oh i really wouldnt!

Having to open the bus window sounds like it was really bad! And who wears clothes with holes on a date? Sounds like he may be beyond help if he's that lacking in self awareness.

Tbh yes I would tell him as difficult as this may be

I think it's your duty to tell him, it might spare the rest of us in case we come across him

Agree, I think it might be helpful to him to know the true reason. Otherwise, he might be wondering if it was a personality issue. You could start with that point: "you're a lovely guy, I felt we had great chemistry. However, etc. .." however you want to express the tricky part. I suggest using "I" statements such as: " to me, personal hygiene is a basic requirement in a relationship. ..". Good luck...not an easy conversation to have!

Ime people with poor hygiene know and don’t care, even after they have been told. I wouldn’t bother.

I would tell him that his lack of effort in dressing nicely or having a shower before meeting up gave you the impression that he didn't really care and wasn't that into you so you don't want to take things further. It's not as awkward as saying 'you smell' but hopefully he will get the hint.

Before I met him a guy I know was told by a date his feet smelled...it did upset him I know but he is always very well turned out and smells nice now...I think it was a wake up call and helped him. The girl sent him a text to tell him

Unwashed bum? Ewwww

If you can bare it yes tell him. You could be doing him a massive favour x

Surely people must know they smell? I've never understood people who just don't wash their clothes or take regular showers. Or worst still, not brush their teeth. I'm not talking about the people who can't for whatever reason, I'm talking about the people who won't. You can't expect to share intimacy with another when you're basically unhygienic by choice.

We had a lady at work who smelled really bad, you could literally feel it hit you like a wall it was so strong. She had a partner so we thought she must already know but not care. After a while her manager got more and more complaints and had to tell her and just like that she came to work a new person overnight. So I don’t think she did know!
So for that reason I would tell him even if you can only bare to put it in a message to him, just so he can work on it and not be worrying it was something else.

OP - i’d write him a message rather than talk in person.
Easier on both of you.

Funny, I've met two extremely nice guys online whose personal hygiene was off-putting. One had damp patches visible under his arms. First time, I thought, well, okay, sometimes it happens the best of us. But next date - same thing. He has sisters, daughters, friends - how has nobody ever told him? Is it up to me?

Second guy - again, a gent, but 'outdoorsy' to a degree that excluded tidying his house bedroom and bathroom included and having a shower before a planned date. He was very complimentary of how nice I looked and how nice my house was kept, but I felt he set the bar extremely low. Pity, as the sex was awesome

So. I'm watching with interest.

Yes but as a shit sandwich - ie shitty bit in the middle

Compliment

But your hygiene and personal presentation need to be a MUCH higher standard so people can get to know you properly

Another compliment.

It's awkward, but you'll honestly be doing him a favour.

I once had to tell a friend to shower more often as he stank and everyone used to talk about him. He was a nice guy and I just said to him ‘I don’t want to make this an issue as I like you, but please shower every day and get some deodorant’
He just laughed and said ok and never stank again.
Just tell him directly without any drama or embarrassment.

I think it would be your good deed of the year, and you’d never regret it.

I think you’ve had some great examples of what to write (and yes, I’d go text rather than face to face).

Just remember to be clear about whether there’s hope for him with you if he makes great leaps in the hygiene stakes, or whether you’re done either way (and telling him so as to help his future).

Im still a bit stupefied that people can’t work it out for themselves, but then again I guess they get to this level of yuk in tiny increments over time. It might be a ‘boiling frog’ scenario. Regardless, it’s the number one dealbreaker for me. And I’d be very wary about which other ‘normal adult life’ things I’d be stuck explaining/teaching him, if we were together??! We straight women expect to have to do a bit of training, but not toilet training!

Reminds me of a soap commercial from the 1970’s/1980’s, might have only been in Australia. A series of scenarios where workmates, etc would leave a bar of Palmolive Gold soap on the stinky colleague’s desk, etc.

Jingle was ‘Don’t wait to be told, use Palmolive Gold!’

The ‘told’ person always seemed very grateful!!

It's one thing if it's a colleague/flat mate/friend - it's different if it's a 'this is why I don't want to date you' thing.

Of course you should text him in a matter of fact way! I can't believe anyone wouldn't!

He obviously doesn't know or realise.

Say: ' you are a lovely guy and I enjoyed our dates but I think you'll find most women need their partner to shower daily, use deodorant and wear clean fresh clothes. Good luck with finding a girlfriend who doesn't require this!'

The thing is, when he put the clothes on and decided to wear them he knew there were holes in them. That was his choice to wear them.