Should I tell a guy about his bad hygiene?

[LilFish]

Hi all,

I went on a few dates with a guy i met online. He's a kind guy with good points but I have just had to end things (turn him down for next date) because his personal hygiene was poor and he really smelled bad. His clothes were also grubby with holes.

I gave him a chance as we did have strong chemistry at the start. I suppose I could've said something but don't really want a relationship where I have to tell the guy to.wash. One time he did agree to dress smartly for a date somewhere formal, but turned up in his usual gear and I had to open the bus windows.

Money is not the problem in terms of being able to wash and do laundry as he has a good job.

I dont want to be overly harsh in case it's because he's got health problems which he's not told me about yet e.g. is depressed (not saying for one second that everyone with depression is like this, just that I know people can stop taking care of themselves).

I sent a polite but clear message saying I didn't think we were a good match. Thing is, he has texted me twice saying he wants to talk, how it'd be important to him, and he's tried to ring.

Should I tell him the real reason and if so how? I wouldn't like this to ruin his future chances with other women as he is nice.

I'm honestly not fussy about clothes or being immaculately groomed, this was genuine bad hygiene.

I think tell him. Write it down do you say exactly what you want to say. Make it clear that even if he does start to wash and dress in new clothes your still not interested in dating him.

I think tell him politely but maybe by text.

I’m slightly concerned about him texting twice and trying to ring to convince you to see him after you’ve told him it’s over. Sounds a bit reg flaggish to me. I’m concerned if you tell him face to face he’ll say he will sort it out and then say that as he’s sorting it out you can carry on dating. Which I guess you could.....but not sure I’d want to date a guy who can’t accept a no from you.

Yuk.
If you tell him, he might think if he cleans up you'll still see him and then after things get settled, he can go back to his shower dodging ways.

Is his house in the same condition?

Thanks so much for all your replies! Looks like the general steer is to tell him. Argh. The shit sandwich is the easiest way with bad feedback as a pp mentions, that's what I always say at work. Argh!

FluffyRobin I laughed at your message with its jaunty smiley, thanks for that!!

Definitely a text, we've only been on a few dates. I get that he was keen but don't think he can expect a full discussion at this stage, we weren't exclusive or anything.

Pissed I'll make it clear that my decision is final. I'd never heard the expression 'caught the ick' before but that's what's happened here and I don't know if you can go back from that!

Oh,house I'm not sure, not been. He said it's messy though.

I think it's a bit much that he's texted twice and tried to call for an explaination, tbh. You don't owe him anything and the world of online dating is a harsh one. I don't like how he's ignoring this this very clear message you're sending.

If you do tell him about the hygiene issues, how likely is it that he'll flip / retaliate with something unkind to say about you? I've been in situations like this and instead of thanks I've got, "well at least I'm not x, y and z!!"

Yeah, bit worried about that Tbh Tiggerzz. I have quite a thick skin but don't want to be slagged off after trying to be honest with this bloke. Don't think he would flip but I don't know him well enough go be sure!

I think it would be one thing if you were really liking him and wanting to keep seeing him so I guess for me the question is, if he totally cleaned up his act (literally!) would you really really want carry on seeing him?

If so then you've GOT to mention it, if not I just wouldn't bother.

However, the neediness and unwillingness to accept that you've said 'I'm not interested' to me is something that would kill my further interest even if I had really liked him - personally for me I find that kind of thing really off-putting so I'd not say anything, just don't respond to his messages at all and move on.

I don’t think it’s your place to tell him.

If I smell bad I really would like someone to tell me. They shouldn't have to but and I would be mortified but it would give me the opportunity to change for the future.
Can you imagine his poor work mates?
It's hard but if there is a good guy under the sour body it's worth telling him.

It's not OPs responsibility to tell him unless she wishes to continue a relationship with him goodness me.

I’d tell him if he’s a nice guy , like previous op said a shit sandwich
I think you are a lovely guy
However I noticed you don’t tend to pay attention to washing or changing your clothes and hygiene is very important to me
Good luck in the future , it’s harsh but if he ignores advice like that then he’s a lost cause .
I wouldn’t even revisit it either once someone gives you the boak it’s over

Think I'd say something like - Sorry if I offended you by opening the bus window and you may not have had a chance to shower or change from your dirty clothes but I want someone who I can cuddle with and intimate with and I'm afraid I really couldn't because it was off putting. I did like you but I am fastidious about hygiene and smells, which is a shame because you're a great guy

Argh. I've sent something. Total shit sarnie and as tactful as possible. Don't want to say exactly what it said but it's very similar to suggestions (mentioning personal hygiene etc).

Feel like such a cow as I would be really hurt if a guy I liked told me i smelled but he did keep messaging me wanting the truth and calling. Hopefully it was the right thing to do.

It might be painful to hear but if he’s really a nice guy once he’s got over someone saying it he should be able to meet women a bit more easily once he doesn’t stink , his House was probably dirty too I was thinking .

Did he respond OP? Don’t worry, even if it hurt it might help him longer term.

S friend asked me for advise on how to tell their newish partner that they had bad breath.there is actually a good information page available which tells you on how,what and when to tell someone.maybe there is something similar available for this?
If you can face it,it would be the nice thing to do,but be firm in your conversation that it really is over no matter what changes he makes in case he thinks you are doing it because you have feelings for him still.
Good luck!

Mostly just placemarking to see if he replies.

I had to tell a member of staff (I was assistant manager but only 18 and still awkward) that she smelled of BO quite badly and could she please wash and use deodorant, put on clean clothes everyday.

It was fucking horrible and I tried afterwards.

She never came back

But I do like to think that she took it on-board and didn't smell anymore?

Well! He's replied, still keen, promised to clean up and wants my fashion advice! He was a bit embarrassed but really open to the feedback!

But do you really want someone who couldn't think that through for himself? It might be one thing someone going to work without a shower, but turning up on a date and presumably interested in sex?

Get rid! Just don't reply to any of his messages now. You've done your good deed by telling him. It's a red flag that he won't take no for an answer.

If he hasn't bothered to shower and look presentable when you're first dating, can you imagine what he'd be like 10 or 20 years down the line when standards start to slip. The first few months are when he's trying to impress you, it's the time when he makes more of an effort.

There's other men out there who you'll have equally good chemistry with, why would you wany someone who had to be told that he smells?

you were very kind to tell him.

he took it well too.

i remember years ago, when about 19 I briefly dated a really sweet guy - but he did smell. probably hadn't been "taught" hygiene by his parents. i didn't like the smell, probably partly BO but who knows if something more at play.

One time he did agree to dress smartly for a date somewhere formal, but turned up in his usual gear and I had to open the bus windows

^ thats off-putting though. why turn up in his holey clothes when he knew it was somewhere formal? its hard to imagine him having a good job with such little awareness. unless it just means he's very hyperfocused on the task at hand?

its such a trickey one. you could end up being his unpaid therapist/dresser/shopper/the mum-he-never-had. he may have undiagnosed MH issues - turning up smelley, grubby and clothes-with-holes on a date (where most people obsess about looking and smelling OK) is a strange way to behave. otoh maybe he's a good egg, just lacking in some departments.

a difficult one. but it sounds like he might have some extra issues .

Give him a chance!

Your standards are too low, @fluffyrobin!