Should I tell a guy about his bad hygiene?

[LilFish]

Hi all,

I went on a few dates with a guy i met online. He's a kind guy with good points but I have just had to end things (turn him down for next date) because his personal hygiene was poor and he really smelled bad. His clothes were also grubby with holes.

I gave him a chance as we did have strong chemistry at the start. I suppose I could've said something but don't really want a relationship where I have to tell the guy to.wash. One time he did agree to dress smartly for a date somewhere formal, but turned up in his usual gear and I had to open the bus windows.

Money is not the problem in terms of being able to wash and do laundry as he has a good job.

I dont want to be overly harsh in case it's because he's got health problems which he's not told me about yet e.g. is depressed (not saying for one second that everyone with depression is like this, just that I know people can stop taking care of themselves).

I sent a polite but clear message saying I didn't think we were a good match. Thing is, he has texted me twice saying he wants to talk, how it'd be important to him, and he's tried to ring.

Should I tell him the real reason and if so how? I wouldn't like this to ruin his future chances with other women as he is nice.

I'm honestly not fussy about clothes or being immaculately groomed, this was genuine bad hygiene.

I don't think I could fancy him again but now he's shown he's receptive to change, I'd love to take him shopping! Need to resist getting involved in this as it might give him the wrong idea.

It's a job that involves a lot of remote working so that might be why he's got away with his standard of dress, unless he has a separate smart work wardrobe!

you sound really kind OP.

whether thats a good thing or not in this situation I don't know.

your call.

I don't think I have.

The main reason being I once agreed to go to a ball with a nice chap who was a slovenly academic.

I told him if he wanted me to accompany him to the ball I'd have to take him shopping.

Bemused, he agreed and I took him to lots of charity shops where I helped him with his new look!

We were students at the time and I carried on seeing him for a year or two after as he brushed up rather nicely!

I think your chap op sounds quite endearing! Some guys who don't have sisters or from backgrounds where appearances aren't important might just be diamonds under the crud

This isn't an endearing guy who dresses badly - he stinks!

I’d tell him it’s it what you wear but just the fact it’s clean and not threadbare , no way I’d be able to find them attractive again , what happens 10 years into the relationship do they just start stinking again .

The trouble is that if you agree to see him again, then it’s like he’s done X FOR you, so you can’t dump him, then you’ll end up in a weird therapist/mummy role to him.

He’ll be all “I made this change FOR you so you can’t dump me for any other reason”

Or it will be like “I’ve done X, where’s my sex?”

TMI but I was in a relationship with a guy with poor hygiene and I had persistent UTI's and kidney infections.
He always promised to try harder but never did.
Some people can't change.

Hey, he could end up being 'the one' and this will be a funny story one day!

Bleugh! I have a very strong sense of smell. There would be no second chance for a stinker. He’s an adult FFS, he should at least be au fait with the three ‘S’, i.e. ‘Shit, shower and shave!’ I would want a partner, not a bloody total renovation project.

If you're completely sure you're not interested in him now then I'd leave it at that, as tempting as a shopping/ sprucing him up day might be it'd be giving him the wrong impression.

Well done on telling him though! Definitely would have chickened out

He needs someone to.look after.him?
Sod that.

Taking a guy shopping who has no clue is actually very rewarding.

I've done it more than once and one of them I've ended up marrying. 23 years later still happy. Admittedly not a hygiene issue but definitely was clueless in the style stakes.

I knew of a sporty, smelly but lovely chap and I didn't mince my words telling him he needed to shower and use deodorant ( most men are fine with straight talking I have found) and he is now happily married.

Even if you don't do it for yourself what's the harm in helping a guy out for his next girlfriend?

I'm far too brutal.

I've been to guys houses and asked " you knew I was coming, why didn't you clean??"

Or I've made a "joke" before about il judge if it's not clean (don't care about mess).

Oh lord I sound like a cunt!

However I've struggled to tell people about personal hygiene in such a brutal & upfront way.

I did tell an exes mum to tell her son to shower once!

Biscuit that's hilarious! What did they say?