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Original poster

Help me deal with my **** of a brother.

52 replies

prufrock · 24/05/2007 11:47

This is going to be long

My brother is 26. 16 months ago he broke up with is girlfriend of 3 years who had cheated on him and treated him really badly. I had no hesitation in saying that he could come and live with us until he got himself sorted. He moved out last weekend.

Over the last 16 months he has treated me and my house with a complete lack of respect. Soon after he moved here he started going out with a girl, N, who is a dopehead, and he started smoking a lot himslef. He continually broke my one rule of no smoking in the house, and even brought weed in. Whenever I challenged him he would lie terribly - saying the smell was from his clothes, the stubs were ones he'd smoked elsewhere and brought home.....

I encouraged him to go to the doctors as I felt he was depressed - I recognized it because I was diagnosed myself the week before he arrived (I'm now better). He started AD's twice and stopped both times. 6 mopnths ago he finally started takingt them seriously, but has still not "got around" to organising the counselling sessions he can get very easily through work.

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Original poster
prufrock · 24/05/2007 11:48

Because of his depression I have supported him when he has been a shit. Dh pulled in favours and found him a job in the city (didn't look great for him when brother went sick with depression for 2 months only 2 weeks after starting). I have lent him over £6,000 to clear his debts and o/d - and he has just carried on spending and taken out more credit cards. I did everything for him, and he has repeatedly let me down by not turning up on the rare occasions I have asked him for help (calling at 7pm from London to say trains are not running so he can't babysit as promised - complete lies) He borrowed my car and has accumulated 12 speeding points in 6 months (one lot still pending prosecution because he forgot to send payment in time)

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Original poster
prufrock · 24/05/2007 11:49

So on Saturday he was helping me at the school fair because dh was unavaliable. I had asked him to come in the morning - he turned up at 1pm. I was v. stressed. I sent him to Waitorse to buy paper cups because I couldn't find them - he took 1 1/4 hours to go to a supermarket 10 minutes away, leaving me trying to set up 2 stalls and look after 2 kids. He took my car to move to his new flat in London, and came back on Sunday. He then spent the eveing at N's house (they are "just friends" now) and so left on Monday morning without having said a word to me - no thanks at all for all I've done for him over the last year.

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Original poster
prufrock · 24/05/2007 11:51

But there's worse. I'd given him my card to get the cups. When he came back I asked for the change and he said he'd paid at the till with my cashcard. But when I checked my online banking there was a £50 withdrawal, and after speaking to the bank they confirmed it had been taken at 1:15 from Waitrose. When dh asked him about it, he admitted to taking £10, and said there was no change (there should have been £3.25) then said that he'd bought himself some olives as well. He still won't admit to taking £50 - says the bank must have made a mistake, and is very hurt that we don't belive him!

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Original poster
prufrock · 24/05/2007 11:51

I am so angry, and sad. I feel sick to think that my brother could be such a tosser after everything I've done for him, and am now questioning many incidents over that last year when it's obvious he's lied. My mother is (once again) making excuses for him. She tells me we have to support him because it's is illness not him. Even worse, we are all going on holiday together next week - 20 of us to celebrate my Dad and Uncles 60th birthdays.

So what do I do? How do I get through the holiday? How much crap do I have to take form him because he's depressed? Where does the depression end and him just being a selfish, lying thief start?

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Original poster
prufrock · 24/05/2007 11:51

And why can't I post messages of more than one paragraph!

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Grrrr · 24/05/2007 11:52

You and your dh seem to be bailing him out and putting up with his self-centred behaviour like parents of a teenager.

Is that how you feel ?

If he has now moved out can you just let him get on with his own life now and take the consequences of his own actions ?

FioFio · 24/05/2007 11:53

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Swizzler · 24/05/2007 11:55

Are you still giving him your cards? Why?

Sounds like you need to step back a bit. You did the right thing in suporting him when he needed it, but unfortunately he's behaving badly in not appreciating your help and freeloading as much as he can. It's his choice - he's free to act as he pleases - but you need to make it clear that it is not acceptable and that you won't be helping him out in the future. And don't expect any gratitutde - he needs to grow up. If you hadn't posted his age I would have guessed him as being about 17.

Swizzler · 24/05/2007 11:56

TBH I think he's being less of a shit than an immature prat.

Original poster
prufrock · 24/05/2007 11:58

I think he's still somking. And yes I'm sure that is a big factor in the depression. But he denies it, quite convincingly.

He's just phioned and was very agressive with me because dh has told him he has to leave his keys when he comes to get his stuff today. Apparently if I have something to say to him I should say it myself and not let dh do my dirty work. BUt I told him I can't talk to him about this - Mum and Dad want to "park the issue" for tyhe next week so we can go on holiday - fine, but I can't pretend everything is normal. He said" so you won't even countenance that the bank have made a mistake" - like I'm the one that has caused this problem. And is most put out that I don't want him in the house without me being here - he asked why and I said because I don't trust him. He put the phonme down

I am shaking and in tears

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Mindles · 24/05/2007 11:59

Cannabis is unlikely be the cause of his depression but it definitely won't help in the slightest, and the fact that he appears to have stolen money is a big worry. There is not a lot you can do if he will not sort out counselling as you cannot force him into it, and to be honest, there has to be a line somewhere. It sounds like you have done a lot to try and help him but if he won't help himself, sometimes you have to step back and let them reach a point where they realise they have to seek help or else...

Drugs never help.

I really hope that this gets better for you because the people who have to deal with the fallout from problems like this rarely deserve the stress and unhappiness

Take comfort from the fact that you have tried to help him - I think there is probably nothing more you can do for him.

Mindles · 24/05/2007 12:00

Sorry I just re-read the last line of my post and it sounds so negative, but he will get to a place where he just has to get the help he needs, and he will. Does that make sense? Until then, I doubt there is a lot you can do.

Grrrr · 24/05/2007 12:08

Oh now I see the full picture, bit by bit

Well, you could sit him down with dh and list out everything you've done for him, given him, lent him etc etc, explaining that......

"We feel the time has come for you to sink or swim because we know that we are not truly helping you in the long term. In order for you to preserve your dignity, at this point in time we will not tell anyone else how much you have taken from us and how much you have let us down in return. If however we ever become aware that you are telling people that we are mean and uncaring for no longer bailing you out each time you cock-up, we will not hesitate to fill them in as to the facts."

He will not get better at the moment because he has indulgent parents. How far he will sink may be a worry to all concerned though.
Depression is such a nasty illness.

rattleskuttle · 24/05/2007 12:15

most depressed people do not behave like that.

it sounds like your family are using you.

i knew someone like this and he used his brother's house when they were away because he'd got the keys copied before handing them back. so if i were you i'd change the locks.

Mrbatters · 24/05/2007 12:26

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squeakybub · 24/05/2007 12:28

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anorak · 24/05/2007 12:40

Pru, you poor thing Unfortunately, despite all the protests we hear from drug users, It does change people's personality even cannabis. It makes people who are normally responsible not care about anything, takes away all their conscientiousness, makes them think everyone else not using drugs losers.

Until he breaks his drug habit I would keep my distance.

gingerone · 24/05/2007 12:46

Oh Pru, sounds like a tough time you are having with him.

IMO you need to stop looking after him and centre yourself on your own family. Let him suffer his own consequences of his own actions and do not bail him out. As you are so cross and let down by him, could you write a letter to him telling him all of the reasons you are cross and that this is it, no more help, no more contact until he can be respectful of you and your family.

I know you love him, but tough love might be the best thing here. He is not going to change unless you make a change.

Is he younger than you? Only asking as I have a younger sis and my mum is always making excuses / protecting her ...

Good luck

Original poster
prufrock · 24/05/2007 12:59

Yes he's younger. And his family nickname is Goldenballs - he can do no wrong in my mothers eyes.
Him moving out was meant to be the time for us to have the kind but firm "time to stand on your own two feet, but we will always love you" chat, but then he took the money (My card has been cancelled now swizzler)

Batters - dh is incandescant with rage. But is going along with "we won't talk about it on holiday and will all be civil" for my sake

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Original poster
prufrock · 24/05/2007 12:59

I feel like I am maybe being harsh by not wanting anything to do with him - maybe I'm taking out my jealousy that Mum always takes his side (even after I told her about my depression she has never once asked how I am doing - but then I'm the family coper) and my frustration at him not being able to get over it (like I had to) and that it's only £50 so I shouldn't be so angry because I can easily afford it. And then I tell myslef to stop being so stupid, I'm allowed to be angry. He's in the wrong. And then I get my mother on the phone telling me that if I can't be nice to him on holiday then he's saying he won't go and she won't be able to enjoy it worrying about him being by himself go so I'll have spoilt it for everyone....

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motherinferior · 24/05/2007 13:03

Prufrock, honey, I agree with MrB. And I have to say I'd hate to go on holiday with someone behaving like this.

Also agree with Mindles that dope alone won't be causing this (I know plenty of people who do highly responsible jobs and smoke) BUT is almost certainly exacerbating it.

Anniegetyourgun · 24/05/2007 13:10

Must say I'm a trifle worried about your mother's attitude too. YOU will have spoilt the holiday for everyone because HE used you and stole from you? I'm all for standing up for one's children but if she can't even see that he has done something very wrong she is not quite on this planet.

See toxic mother thread for Mumsnetters who have been "the coper" for their whole families and end up receiving the dirty end of the stick...

Grrrr · 24/05/2007 13:15

I wouldn't give the £50 another thought, in the scale of things it's not huge and if you stick to the plan it'll be the last financial support he gets from you and dh.

If you have the clear the air chat with your brother before the holiday and ask him to agree to draw the line under the whole issue and move on so that "we can all enjoy our holiday as a family"

gingerone · 24/05/2007 13:20

Pru, you are not spoiling the holiday because your brother has stolen from you!

Your mum needs to get a grip.

Does your mum know everything about your brother e.g. dope or is she just selective?

BTW, Goldenballs, are you David Beckahm's sister

Original poster
prufrock · 24/05/2007 13:20

Do you really think so grrr? (are you sure you aren't my mother) it's not the £50, it's the fact he stole from my bank account. And is still denying it, and trying to make me feel bad for doubting him. (apparently it's my fault he had a panic attack and got sent home from work today). I'm not sure I can move on whilst he is still not accepting that he has done anything wrong.

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