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Original poster

Help me deal with my **** of a brother.

52 replies

prufrock · 24/05/2007 11:47

This is going to be long

My brother is 26. 16 months ago he broke up with is girlfriend of 3 years who had cheated on him and treated him really badly. I had no hesitation in saying that he could come and live with us until he got himself sorted. He moved out last weekend.

Over the last 16 months he has treated me and my house with a complete lack of respect. Soon after he moved here he started going out with a girl, N, who is a dopehead, and he started smoking a lot himslef. He continually broke my one rule of no smoking in the house, and even brought weed in. Whenever I challenged him he would lie terribly - saying the smell was from his clothes, the stubs were ones he'd smoked elsewhere and brought home.....

I encouraged him to go to the doctors as I felt he was depressed - I recognized it because I was diagnosed myself the week before he arrived (I'm now better). He started AD's twice and stopped both times. 6 mopnths ago he finally started takingt them seriously, but has still not "got around" to organising the counselling sessions he can get very easily through work.

OP posts:
Mrbatters · 24/05/2007 15:16

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motherinferior · 24/05/2007 15:17

I am feeling an impotent but supportive urge to come round and bite him

NineUnlikelyTales · 24/05/2007 15:23

This sounds like my brother a few years ago and I'm afraid it wasn't just cannabis, despite what he said. You aren't responsible for his happiness or your mother's. Do what you need to do to keep yourself and your possessions safe and sod the rest of them. It sounds like you have already gone far beyond what most sisters would have done...after a while you start to become someone's enabler.

Mrbatters · 24/05/2007 15:36

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/05/2007 15:58

Its not your fault; the fault if any lies with him primarily. Your parents are also to blame for not doing tough love and indulging him as well.

I can understand why you helped him though; you are his sister and undoubtedly your parents would have given you a lot of stick if you had not.

You have however, learnt a harsh lesson here - you cannot act as an enabler to anyone in the family unit. Unfortunately as you have learnt to your cost, not just financial, it will just bite you on the bum.

Think as one of life's copers as well, you've come in for a lot of unjust criticism from your family. Your parents cannot or will not see that their "golden child" is infact a shit of the first order who will freeload off anyone given the chance.

TBH I would not go on holiday with them and would ditch the whole lot of them in a heartbeat. You do not need such toxic behaviours in your life.

Grrrr · 24/05/2007 16:45

I only think so because it will create ill-feeling to push for him to admit he stole the money. Put it down to experience as in when I said ds1 could go to the kitchen and get his own chocolate muffin (singular) from the tub (like a big boy) and realised 20 minutes later that he hadn't returned (was engaged in changing a particularly explosive nappy for ds2). Found him surrounded by four wrappers, he'd be unable to control himself in much the same way that your brother can't seem to control his lying and stealing urges if an opportunity arises. You did rather put temptation in his way and he has "problems" with honesty/the truth at the moment

If he really does have a fragile state of mind it will cause immense grief to push him on the matter, take steps to ensure he can't steal off you again and just draw a line under it until he "grows up".

Just refuse to discuss the matter as you sure as hell shouldn't have to pretend it was a bank error. He is in denial and needs professional help to face up to what he has become.

WideWebWitch · 24/05/2007 19:45

I've only skimmed Prufrock but my thoughts:

  • Are you sure it's not more that smoking? Do you think there's another habit there? Stealing might indicate so, although maybe not, £50 isn't enough!

  • he is wrong and you are right. He is selfish. I don't think it's purely depression either.

  • I don't tihnk you should have to tolerate it, not remotely. I also don't think ANYONE else, your mother included, can ORDER you to react or behave in any particular way: this is between you and your brother. So she is out of order imo ordering you to ignore it for the duration of the holiday.

However, I think in your postion I would

a) refuse to discuss it with your mother or anyone else - it's between YOU and your brother. Tell her you won't discuss it, thnak you. Try to stay calm while doing so
b) Withdraw any other offers of help or support. You're not responsibile for him. If your mother wants to make it her responsibility let her, don't comment, that's between her and him. Don't get involved in any conversation about it. That way you are protecting yourself/dh/ds/dd from any further selfishness from your brother.
c) If you go on the holiday, just don't mention it/discuss it/help him/react. Have the nicest thing you can without getting too involved with him.

I really think you've done all you can and more and you need to protect yourself and your family now. And DO NOT give him your card again (sure you won't anyway) and, if I were you, I'd change the locks too - bet he has a copy of the key.

Dh will just have to apologise to mate who gave brother job- it's just one of those things, not his fault, he was trying to do the right thing but lesson learned where your brother is concerned. Don't help him any more.

That's my 2p worth anyway. Sorry you;ve had this to deal with.

WideWebWitch · 24/05/2007 19:46

Have the nicest TIME you can I meant, not nicest thing

foxinsocks · 24/05/2007 19:54

oh poor you prufrock.

Actually, I can see the sense in what Grrr is saying. YOU KNOW it wasn't a bank error. He's not going to admit to it so walk away from the issue (for the time being). As Grr says, make sure that's the last bit of money he gets from you (and make sure he has no opportunity to get more - so either get the keys back from him or change the locks).

I'm so sorry you are in this situation wrt the rest of your family.

Is this holiday abroad? Will you be able to escape if it all gets too much?

I'm so pleased for you that you managed to sort out your own depression. Don't let your brother and mother emotionally blackmail you into feeling sorry for them both.

hellobello · 25/05/2007 10:59

How are you today Prufrock? Families can be horrible can't they. It sounds as though your brother is a thief and a bully - oh and a canabis vegetable. I'm sure he's lots of better things too, but not to you at the moment.

I've got a lot of problems with my brother at the moment too, and I really don't want to see him again. I want no part in his life as he is a parasite and that's being pretty generous about his behaviour for now. My parents, like yours, don't want to see the truth. I think parents must wear impenetrable blinkers. I hope I don't get like that.

Well done for overcoming your depression. It's a horrible illness. I'm still learning how to cope with the crap!

BandofMothers · 25/05/2007 11:16

I think at 26 he should be able to be more responsible. Yes it's an illness, but it doesn't stop him from knowing right ffrom wrong.
I personally would tell my mother what I was feeling, and i wouldn't go on the holiday. I would have a nice stress and guilt free hol with DH and dc's.
I don't think you're unreasonable withdrawing help. To not even thank you and to treat you with so little respect is disgusting. Why should you put up with it from your brother and family when you wouldn't from anyone else. They are the people who are supposed to love and support you , not treat you like this. I wouldfeel like this was such a betrayal from my whole family if it were me, and would tell them so.

Oops, sorry RANT. But really.............

Marina · 25/05/2007 12:36

Prufrok, just wandered over here from bootcamp, I'm so sorry you're having all this to deal with from your ass of a brother (and your mother too).
If you feel you can contend with the fallout afterwards I would seriously consider pulling out from the holiday and going away with just dh and the dcs. I can't help feeling that even if everything is civil on the surface next week you are going to have a gut-churningly stressful time and you really don't need or deserve it

Mrbatters · 25/05/2007 13:54

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winnie · 25/05/2007 14:23

prufrock, can I firstly say that I think you are a fab sister I am so sorry for all that you have had to deal with and am at your parents attitude.

I absolutely do not believe depression makes people like this but as you may or may not know my dd has put me through a year of hell. She started depressed, started smoking dope and became a person I did not recognise and frankly could not bare living with. She has done thngs so utterly out of character I have to say I agree with anorak dope smoking can change peoples personalities. However, with dd it has also led to other drugs too and the cycle of depression and drug taking has been very, very destructive. Getting dd away from drugs for a short time proved to me that she can live without it and she is still the dd I know and love underneath it all... Why am I rambling on about my stuff? Well, really because dd is my dd and although almost everyone I know has said 'chuck her out etc etc' I can't (even when I am pushed to the edge) because she is my dd. She is my responsibility. Your brother is not your responsibility and you have been more than fair and generous and there are some wise words on here about you taking a step back and thinking about you and your immediate family. Until your brother deals with the drug taking, and starts taking responsibility for his self nothing you ever do will be enough. Look after yourself and yours... Best wishes, winnie x

WideWebWitch · 25/05/2007 14:33

Prufrock, I think everyone who says don't go is right. You should have a lovely time with your dh and children and if you won't if you go, don't go, go somewhere else, bet you'll get something else wonderful.

curiouscat · 25/05/2007 15:14

Prufrock, it's all been covered, but I wonder if you do go on holiday perhaps your dh can shelter you a bit? Tell yourselves it's the last time your mum blackmails you into pretending everythings's ok, do it for their sake/your uncles whatever. Try not to be in the same room or conversation as your brother and enjoy having a loving dh who can help you cope with a difficult family. Good luck.

matilda57 · 25/05/2007 15:39

Your brother sounds like a classic addict Prufrock . They are a bottomless pit (as you have found ), and your mother has certainly set the scene tbh - it sounds like he has never had to take any responsibility for himself or his life, and tbh to indulge a person like this is abuse.

Two bigs words, addict, and abuse - I'm sorry to be blunt. IMO the addictive behaviour is a direct result of the way he has been brought up, and imo no-one gets into drugs bcs they're happy.

BUT he is not your responsibility. I should imagine putting up with your mother's silliness puts as much strain on you as putting up with your brother's addictive behaviour. Unfortunately, an addict has to bottom out if they want to change, and nothing and noone can do that for them, they have to get there themselves. He is chewing up every opportunity he has been given (and he's been given a LOT). Perhaps do some research about addicts and addictive behaviour? I think you will find a lot that you recognise. Unfortunately you aren't the first, and won't be the last, to be on the end of someone like this, brother or not. Kindness with someone caught in an addictive cycle only becomes enabling, which is desolate for all concerned. I'm sorry you've been through all this (it is hell). If you can save yourself from murdering him (and your mother) on hol, then go; if not, then stay behind. Good luck.

Original poster
prufrock · 26/05/2007 09:12

Thank you all for your advice and sympathy - it does help to know I'm not being unreasonable (with my famiy I sometimes question it)

I am going on holiday - it's probably going to be my only chance to visit Tunisia with my uncle because he's on his last legs (Tunisia is his home and he wants to show it to me) and I couldn't face the fall out - I know that in 10 years time my brother would be forgiven for his behaviour but I would be the one who ruined the birthday holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
prufrock · 26/05/2007 09:13

We are just going to "park the issue". And my Dad has told my brother that as well - he was getting shitty with me because I won't let him come into my house to pick up his stuff without us being here. And yesterday I bumped into him in the village, and honestly didn't see him - he said hello, I siad hello, but without knowing who I was saying it too ITSWIM. By the time I got home I had a call from Mum telling me he'd phoned her to say I wasn't making the effort I promised! I feel a wuss, but I swallowed it. It's only a week. I will be able to avoid him quite naturally. And then when I get back I tell him what I think of him. It's good to know that the action that will make me feel better is also actually what he needs me to for the sake of his long term mental health

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 26/05/2007 09:29

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WideWebWitch · 26/05/2007 09:30

Sometimes doing nothing much is the right thing to do Prufrock. I hope Tunisia is good.

themildmanneredjanitor · 26/05/2007 09:30

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edam · 26/05/2007 09:45

He's a selfish, lying shit and you are a wonderful sister. Ignore your mother, she's clearly incapable of seeing things as they really are. Suggest you change the locks and ignore brother as much as possible, don't let him drag you into conversation or debate. And have as little to do with him as you can manage on holiday and even less when you get back.

hellobello · 26/05/2007 15:39

In 10 years time your brother may be even worse! It sounds a bit as though you are being used as a scapegoat. As you have decided to go on this holiday, please make sure you are doing it for you, and not to keep the family happy. Lots of us have awful families, and we strive to make our new ones happier!

tigermoth · 09/06/2007 18:23

Coming to this very late, but I hope you survived the holiday, prufrock (and the after holiday talk to your brother, if that has happened).

I agree with all the points www made in her first post.

Definitely time to get your brother out of your home. You can still offer emotional support, but at a safe distance. Having children around is a perfect excuse for pulling away from this.