Mothers in Law

[Thesearepearls]

My children are both adult now, 18 & 20, and both are in relationships with people that I believe to be very nice and of course they are always welcome.

I know it's not going to happen anytime soon, but at some point, I am very likely going to be a MIL. Which is actually a pretty frightening prospect, given the general opprobrium on here. I've gathered what not to do. And generally the posts have centered around intrusive behaviour. I definitely won't be doing any of that.

I'm not sure I've picked up what, more positively, to do. What would your ideal MIL be like? What should the future me be doing to be an ideal MIL?

How long is a piece of string. I think every wife has different requirements to be honest.

Don't I'm for ideal. Aim for cordial. There is no reason why MILs should be best friends or even friends with their DILs. Cordiality is perfectly fine. I don't like or dislike mine. We have completely different backgrounds and outlooks on life.Pretty sure she feels the same about me. But we have had a perfectly amicable relationship for over 30 years. My dp and my children love her-she is a great mother and grandmother. But theirs is an entirely different relationship based on blood ties and shared history, and nothing really to do with me.

" I think every wife has different requirements to be honest."

"Requirements"??

I agree with first PP. DH's mum (is actually his step mum and lives in another country to us, so this isn't necessarily about our relationship) has two other sons, quite similar but with quite different fiancés. Both are lovely and perfect for each BIL, and both have quite good relationships with MIL and the rest of the family. MIL has to be a different MIL to each of them. E.g. fiancé 1 would be hurt if she wasn't included in family stuff, whereas fiancé 2 is grateful to not always be expected to attend.

I hope that makes sense?

I think the key is getting to know each person rather than necessarily trying to be a "good MIL".

I agree with rosamore.

Although I don’t think you should let Mumsnet scare you. Most people I know get on perfectly well with their mother in laws- some are even closer than their own mothers. People come on here to post problems so you’ll be getting quite a lot of negative stuff.

I’m sure you’ll be a lovely MIL

I absolutely love my MIL but I honestly think it's about us both being 'normal', neither of us are high maintenance or over the top. Neither of us are easily offended so it's easy for us to get along, she also asks all the time if she's being 'intrusive'. She's said things that annoy me from time to time (and I've probably done the same to her) but we realise it's with the best of intentions and move on!

Be friendly, be welcoming, be pleased to see them if they are staying over. Be open minded and don’t judge her/ him based on their background/ race/ religion/gender/ weight/ family/ health. Just be happy that your child is happy and look for the reasons that your child loves them.

Be supportive of your child and say nice things about their partner- even if it is difficult! Show an interest without being intrusive.

Don’t get involved in any arguments/ fall outs or engineer any arguments or fallouts! Don’t argue/ scream at your child for bringing their partner to dinner/ stay even though you were asked several times and said you would be delighted to have them over.

Don’t criticise their weight/ appearance or be cruel/ nasty/ abusive to their partners when you get them on their own. Also don’t run down their appearance to your child!

Don’t absolutely lose it when they get engaged and try to imprison your child so they cannot go to their partner. Don’t threaten to disown them if they marry their partner or throw them out because they have got engaged to someone you dissaprove of! Don’t manipulate and lie about your child and their partner to your entire family and friends, so that your child is treated like a Monster and receives abuse and anger from flying monkeys which they absolutely didn’t deserve- considering their only crime was to fall in love!

Don’t try to destroy their relationship, manipulate your child or physically or emotionally abuse your child to keep them away from their partner.

Basically be a nice person and treat them the way you would like your child or yourself to be treated! Even if you dislike them just be kind, if they are awful to your child just make sure that your child knows that they are loved and that no matter what you will always be there for them.

People rarely need to post about good in-law relationships so MN is not a true reflection.

The most important things to remember is to be respectful. Never forget that they are independent adults who have there own way of doing things. It is not for you to comment, either by word or gesture.

Respect their boundaries but dont be afraid to set your own. Treat them in the same way as your adult friends and you won’t go far wrong.

I agree - if you've got a good or even just average relationship with your MIL there isn't much to post about so MN won't be a good reflection.

I think if you are good - average at relationships in general then that is a good sign! You understand about boundaries - both your own and others and are warm, adaptive and communicative.

I've got a cordial relationship with my MIL & FIL (as does DH) but we've had to distance ourselves and disengage to a certain extent for the sake of our mental health. I could list all their bad (and some good) qualities and give a few anecdotes but the most telling thing is that they've lived in the same town all their lives and they don't have any friends. Only people we could invite to their recent significant birthday were family (who they badmouth) and a few neighbours (who they also badmouth). They expect everyone else to make all the effort and love to gossip and judge. We don't trust them - I suspect others don't either...

The problem isn't just that people don't post about good or average relationships with in laws. They often expect far too much, and anything which isn't exactly the way they want it to be becomes a huge issue, when it's often just a different family's way of doing things.
Disclaimer- of course there are hideaous, toxic, abusive people in the world. But most people aren't and it's usually cock up rather than conspiracy.

Be interested in them.

Their likes and interests. How their job is going? Congratulate them on achievements and give encouragement.

Don’t have to be best friends are have a new daughter. But a genuine interest is golden

Never offer unasked for advice.

"Never offer unasked for advice"

This really is a ridiculous thing to say.

I can think of loads of situations where it is entirely appropriate to offer unasked for advice.

I actually thought never offering unasked for advice was a pretty good tip. Say for example putative SIL/DIL was making something that I happen to make regularly and I know they are making a trivial mistake (like not salting aubergines for a moussaka or whatever) then I am resolved to keep absolutely schtum unless someone asks me for my opinion.

Otherwise I would be barging in in a know it all way. Heck maybe their recipe might even be better. I'd never tell a friend how/what to cook ... I think it will make me switch off thinking of my children as children and respecting them as I would my friends.

I think being interested in them comes with the territory. TBH I'm more worried about being over-interested (aka nosey).

There is a time and a place for advice - obviously usually about trivial things that don't really matter then keep quiet. But, for example, I was watching my niece struggling to bf and I could see that there were a couple of things she was doing that was making it worse. It would have been very wrong not to tell her.

And just to prove my point, you don't actually have to salt aubergines-try without next time!

I think my MIL is ok. She seems to have mellowed in the 10 years I've know her. She seemed quite competitive with me to start with.

I just find she is very selfish. Everything is on her terms. She will happily just turn up as it suits her. I feel my DC benefit from seeing her so I try to be accommodating.

She often brings nice food for lunch which is a good change for me.

But if you ever get invited to MILs it's because she wants a job doing.

Also she doesn't treat her 4 DC equally. She certainly has her favourites not us lot

To be honest, I just wish my MIL was less involved.

She’s kind, loving, she’s funny. But Jesus she has an opinion on absolutely everything I do from the type of trousers my sons wear to the fact that they both have shoulder length hair.

When I am a MIL, I’m just going to smile, and not pass opinion on any of my children’s parenting techniques. Obviously if they are juggling knives and eating rat poison I may interject slightly.

Don’t feel like you are competing for your DC attention (I think this is more so for DS).

My DH is one of 4 sons and the only one who has settled down, DH has commented that MIL doesn’t like that she has to share him with another female - this would all be well and good if they had a brilliant relationship, but they don’t and never have really.

I actually think the like about unasked advice is a good one and also don’t try and manipulate how your DC feel about their husbands/wives and question whether they’re in the right relationship.

Just to add a caveat, obviously there could be times where as a mother you are concerned about your child and whether they are being abused, this would be an exception to questioning the relationship maybe, but where there have been no concerns and your child hasn’t spoken to you about any problems, then don’t question the relationship.

The MIL/DIL relationship dynamic is fascinating. I'm no psychologist but can see why so many problems arise where there is almost a "passing of the baton" in terms of who gets to be the most important female in a man's life. I suspect if the MIL is very close to and influential over her son and expects that to continue after he gets a serious partner, it's unlikely to work out well.

Personally I've been lucky and get on really well with my MIL. We're very different in terms of personality and interests but that doesn't seem to matter as we both make an effort with each other. The relationship changed massively when I had children though. Before children I probably only saw her once every few months, now we see each other multiple times a week, sometimes almost every day. That took me a bit of getting used to, and I imagine it was the same for her. It took us both a while to settle into an understanding of what each other was like and how we should behave to best get along, but we got there eventually.

She and my husband had a very good relationship before I came along but he was utterly independent and she was definitely not the sort to be trying to tell him what to do. I think has been really key to us getting along actually, she would never dream of trying to tell my husband or me what we should be doing, as many others would in their role as parent.

I think the fact your asking the questions means you will be a good one already ! To me a perfect mil doesn't put their child on a pedastool , doesn't Interfere , get jealous , offer unwanted opinions just be easy going and you will be fine

The problems for me started in pregnancy.
If you have son(s) you need to remember that your future full dil is not an incubator for your grandchild.

Don’t try and bully your way into her health appointments. She’s a grown woman and deserves her privacy. Don’t expect to be at the birth. Even if she wants her own mother there. Dont persuade your son to allow you to stay overnight to ‘help’ (hinder) when she returns with the new baby from hospital, because you want to be alpha granny and have a point to prove because you are on the paternal side and are worried you will be pushed out. Don’t claim you are more excited than her and that you love the grandchild just as much. You will love them very much. But it’s not a competition. There’s no need for such fussing and over the top slushy Comments on social media about you and how you have became a gran and how it’s so wonderful and you are fulfilled and other such nonsense.
Don’t gloat that the child looks more like your son than your daughter in law.
Don’t gleefully wait for the breastfeeding to fail so you can snatch the new baby like a vulture for ‘babysitting’.

Basically just don’t overinvolve yourself. I think pregnancy creates a strain with many women and their mils.
I have a ds, and I fully accept that In the future as long as I can see my future grandchild, I might have to take a back seat in the antenatal/post natal period. But that’s ok, a grown woman deserves her privacy, and for a as long as I don’t have spectators at my smear test, I’m happy to respect a future dils right to some privacy when she gives birth.

Don’t act like this and I’m sure you will be grand.