Mothers in Law

[Thesearepearls]

My children are both adult now, 18 & 20, and both are in relationships with people that I believe to be very nice and of course they are always welcome.

I know it's not going to happen anytime soon, but at some point, I am very likely going to be a MIL. Which is actually a pretty frightening prospect, given the general opprobrium on here. I've gathered what not to do. And generally the posts have centered around intrusive behaviour. I definitely won't be doing any of that.

I'm not sure I've picked up what, more positively, to do. What would your ideal MIL be like? What should the future me be doing to be an ideal MIL?

Well my mil is just fab.

She offers advice when asked and often tells me to do what I think best as ‘Mum knows best’
If I’m unsure about something she help and then say but you are doing a grand job!

She tells me she is proud of me and my dc/dh, she always asks me what the dc would like for birthdays etc and never goes off track.

She tells the kids off fairly and tells them to mind their mother. Never interferes with what I am telling them and always backs me up. She adores the children but never oversteps the mark. Offers to have them in the holidays if we want a break etc.

She’s interested in what I am doing and she tells me she loves me! She will buy little things she knows I like and brings me stuff like washing powder and softener!

She’s fab! Sounds like you will be too, lucky dil’s!

Respect, respect and more respect. It's all I wanted from my Mil.

Respect for my opinions which were often different to hers, respect for my choices and respect for my parents. I get more now but it's been a long time coming.

WTF? I mean do prospective grannies really go to medical appointments? Is that a thing? No sirree - sounds way too intrusive. And as for the birth - eww! i wouldn;t have wanted my MIL there, that's for sure. The thought never occurred to me.

Don’t gleefully wait for the breastfeeding to fail so you can snatch the new baby like a vulture for ‘babysitting’

But I don't want the breastfeeding to fail (see - I am already in the part) not unless DIL wants not to breastfeed of course.

I might enjoy a bit of baby sitting. I'll remind myself not to be a vulture. See I thought babysitting might be a helpful thing to do. But only if asked - I geddit.

Maybe if I have a conversation with future children in law that goes "I will never criticise, I will always be here, if you want me to babysit i will with no issues whenever you want. Oh and if you want me to cook you dinner for when you come home I will do that to. And I will never criticise - did I say that before?"

My mother in law totally avoids us... and we live in the same street. She avoids all her children, apparently it was my husbands father who kept the family together (he died before I met my husband)

She has 4 children, my SIL’s don’t see their mum at all hardly as she wasn’t there for them when they were younger, my BIL joined the army as soon as he was 16. My DH was the youngest and quite a late baby, apparently when he was born it was as if the other 3 never existed.

She makes out she doesn’t want to intrude and won’t visit but personally I think she can’t handle her “baby boy” being married.

So I would definitely say don’t intrude but don’t be at the completely other end of the spectrum either. I always thought it would be great and handy to have my MIL in the same street, how wrong was I!

bridge to somewhere your MIL sound wonderful!

My Gran (Dads Mum) was very similar and my Mum adored her, she said it was like losing her Mum all over again when she passed. I never, ever imagined that I would have problems with my inlaws, my experience growing up was so lovely that I really looked forward to meeting my inlaws. I thought that the inlaw jokes I heard were just that, jokes and that it seemed to be more husbands complaining about their MIL’s.

I grieve for what could have been, for the grandparents my children could have had and the friend/ confidant that I could have had in a MIL. I mostly grieve for dh who is a good man and loves his dp, despite the awful emotional and psychological abuse they subjected him to throughout his childhood, teens and adulthood.

Pearls you sound lovely, as others have said, the fact that you are asking for advice before your children have even met you shows the love and respect you have for your children.

There was a tip I left out earlier-

Don’t treat your adult child, like a child. Respect them, their decisions and choices. Don’t call them stupid or tell them that they don’t know what love is. They do know what love is, they have loved you for their entire lives.

Even if they seem to be making bad choices, (unless they are dangerous or life threatening) let them make their own decisions, they will learn from their mistakes as well as their achievements. If you show you support them and you trust them to make their own choices and decisions, without judgement, then they will come to you when they need you, it will strengthen your relationship.

Unfortunately op in my circumstances yes when I was pregnant she wanted to attend scan and my midwife appointments so she could hear the heartbeat! You’d have thought it was her baby. Then of course apparently my ds is the image of my dp, so I think she almost like to pretend she’d gone back in time.

When she found out my mother was attending the birth she created a fuss about wanting to attend. In the end neither of them did.
I don’t think it’s that uncommon you often see very stressed pregnant women/new mothers on here saying their mil is very intrusive keeps turning up/wanting to attend antenatal appointments etc etc.

I can’t understand mils that go on like that. Your dil is carrying your grandchild, why do you want to stress her out. Although having said that I don’t know if my mil knew how annoying she was, I think she actually thought she had rights!

Yes just stick with what you’ve said sounds like you are going The right way about things.

‘Before your children have even me their spouse/ partner’

I wouldn't worry about it, from what you've posted on here you'll be a fab MIL. My only advice is not to try too hard, just allow the relationship to develop naturally. My MIL has always tried too hard to develop a mother-daughter relationship with me, which I just wasn't looking for. The more she tried, the more I pulled away. (She's a lovely Grandma to my DDs, though, which I'm very happy to encourage).

It's like walking a tightrope, isn't it?

I did think about asking DS's girlfriend if she wanted to go walking with me. She likes walking. I like walking. DS doesn't like walking. And then I thought how flipping intrusive - I'm putting her in a position where she can't say no. Maybe if I just let her know i like walking too then she can ask if she wants to. That's the ticket. Don't ask and wait to be asked.

The exact opposite of mine. She has taught me so much. My eldest is 22 and been with his GF for over five years, my other DC are too young. I have a fantastic relationship with his GF and only give advice when asked and any offer of help is always accompanied by only if she wants it and that I won't be offended if she doesn't. I make an effort with her parents too.

"
I did think about asking DS's girlfriend if she wanted to go walking with me. She likes walking. I like walking. DS doesn't like walking. And then I thought how flipping intrusive - I'm putting her in a position where she can't say no. Maybe if I just let her know i like walking too then she can ask if she wants to"
Problem here is she might not feel she can ask you for the same reasons. In any other relationship you'd say "Hey, I'm doing X walk on Friday week-fancy coming?" And she can say yes or have other plans. Don't overthink.

Op I think anyone who is even slightly self reflective has a good chance of making good relationships.

She and my husband had a very good relationship before I came along but he was utterly independent and she was definitely not the sort to be trying to tell him what to do

Lulu your situation sounds ideal. Independent son who has excellent relations with this DM who appreciates and understands he is a separate adult person whom she doesn't try and control or tell what to do.

As a long veteran of In law issues myself and a veteran of the threads a common theme has come up where a man cannot express or stand up to his DP. Why does he need to in the first place?
Because even as an adult with a family many still try and control him. He is usually unable to stand up for himself or his wife or his DC because...he has had domineering DP who don't respect him or his life.

Adults who are respectful, kind, understand and respect their dc often wont find themselves in this position of a dreadful tug of war. With the MIL being the one who yanks on the chain.
Something primal kicks off in some women with sons who they think they can dominate and own when a woman comes along whom they fall in love with.

Its pretty obvious if you don't feel ownership etc over your son, then you won't in turn feel so threatened by his partner!
Its seems hard to describe to people who simply have not lived through this. I lost DM before dc born. I never wanted to be mils best friend or anything over and above joy in our mutual love for dh and then our dc.

I was innocent and naive and with the help of couples therapy and therapy and all sorts of other reading and learning the scales have fallen from my eyes.

My Mil was furious with her son for buying me a beautiful gift at xmas she even sobbed her eyes to me that he brought me this gift.
She even said at dinner when he got his phone out " oh, your allowed to behave like this at home are you". - allowed....in his own bloody house !!! Allowed!

I have been heavily cristised for my DH having to help out with the garden, laundry, dc and the most dreadful heinous crime of all, cooking. No area of our life has remained un touched or un critised.

She verbally attacked me days after the birth of my FB and told me why she didn't like me, then she tried to guilt me into not telling DH and said with contempt and disgust when I said I was absolutely going to tell DH " And you think you love him".

RE what others think their mil thinks of them is probably best left in happy limbo!

My DM was one of 5 sister and one brother.
The brothers wife felt loved and appreciated ( which I guess is the main thing) although she did live abroad a lot.

I know each and every sister absolutely loathed her - criticized everything about her. Her MIL my GM also thought very little of her. But when I was chatting about my own MIL issues she said to me.,

" Well its hard for me to comment because of course I have enjoyed a very good relationship with mil and sils, I'm very lucky we all rub along very well".

They couldn't stand her.

In our family it's actually my DM who is the controlling one. She pushes her way in with unlooked for advice, undermines my parenting of our DDs, ands ruins social occasions by trying to take over every time. She's also good at turning on the waterworks and constantly finds ways to make us feel guilty.

She also gets very jealous; we did have an 18 year old au pair staying with us for a few months and she got upset when we invited her to come with us when we went away to visit my DSis and her family, she thought we should have invited her to come with us. But we knew very well that she was going for a visit the following weekend.

I actually found it surprisingly easy to stop contacting her, and it's made my life so much less stressful, now she isn't poking her nose in everywhere. My DH feels the same way, he used to get so fed up with her twisting every conversation they had, saying he'd said things he knew very well he hadn't said.

I certainly don't get the impression that you'll be at all like that, OP, because you're on here asking for advice! But BertrandRussell is definitely right that you shouldn't overthink this.

gosh, Summerscorcherisjustsummer, that's odd that your uncle's wife never realised she was hated!

I have a good relationship with my MIL but she's a diamond in the rough. She's said some appalling things at times. BUT when she goes too far, you can speak to her. She doesn't like it, but she'll take constructive criticism and she does modify her behaviour and back off. Since she can be really appallingly tactless, this ability to accept gentle boundary setting has meant we can continue to have a relationship, which I'm immensely grateful for because her heart is gold.

I'm also very, very grateful to her because babysat our older boy throughout the awful second pregnancy, becuase she loves me and I know it (and I her) and she is always willing to help if she possibly can.

So I guess I'd say:

• give it time to estabilish a good relationship.
• don't criticise, but if you get okay vibes about it you can offer advice occasionally
• if there's a problem, be open to discussing it with her and vice versa. Silent hurt or silent simmering doesn't really do the relationship much good.
• if you can and want to, offer to babysit when the baby is a bit older ... I don't know any parents who don't like an evening out on their own!

I really don't get the MIL attitude on mumsnet. Most of us will eventually be one to somebody anyway. So lighten up. It could be you.

Well that was kind of the point Feckers - It WILL be me someday. So I'm trying to be appropriate and respectful and kind.

Do you think that people are so used to thinking of their kids as kids that they fail to recognise that they are now grown-ups? That genuinely could be me. I did a bundle of DD's washing yesterday - saw that a hem was coming down on one of her trousers, and whipped the sewing basket out and sewed it up. So far so normal. But when she's back I'm definitely going to get her a sewing basket so she can do this for herself. And really - she's legally adult. I can see myself behaving like this for the next decade or two - unless I put a stop to myself now.

Lizzie48 I too am afflicted with a female relative who turns on the waterworks in order to manipulate people. That's absolutely never going to be me. i think it's awful behaviour - like some kind of emotional top trumps thing - "look you've made me cry so you are definitively wrong". Flipping hate it.

The worst of it is, @Thesearepearls is that she does this when my DSis or I want to talk about the childhood SA we suffered at the hands of our F. She actually asks us not to talk about it so she can enjoy her time with her DGCs. She makes it all about her.

Obviously it's hard for her, especially if she's speaking the truth when she says she knew nothing about it. But she shouldn't burden us with how hard it is for her. It just isn't about her. That's why her waterworks are so hard to cope with. We're just not able to help her to feel better.

Lizzie48 I too am afflicted with a female relative who turns on the waterworks in order to manipulate people. That's absolutely never going to be me. i think it's awful behaviour - like some kind of emotional top trumps thing - "look you've made me cry so you are definitively wrong". Flipping hate it

Same here ever since met dh mil has been crying over something, their family friends partners have rolled eyes at me, its so obvious and awful.

lizzie that sounds like the mother character based on real life of Patrick Melrose series. He builds up to tell his mum his DF abused him and she just says - " me too".
I find it incredulous some people have simply no ability to see past themselves.

It seems to me that when the MIL/DIL relationship is bad it's because each wishes the other did not exist or at the very least had no influence.

So making a success of the relationship is relative, as it were, by that I mean identifying what you are happy with or are prepared to settle for. Not allowing any issue to become a battleground, but instead taking an approach of agreeing to differ in a sensible manner helps a lot.

Rid yourself of the idea that you must be best buddies. Then you don't have to tread on eggshells by trying too hard to please. You're not always going to be mates but you will be family members.

I'd say to just be open-minded.

Any DIL you might have could come from a very different family dynamic to what you're used to. This may bring it's own pressures.

If it does, please try and recognise that your DS will be in the middle here, probably torn. Digging your heels in won't always be the most welcome approach.

In my situation, my DW and MIL have a very codependent relationship. MIL (whom I love, and who is amazing despite her flaws) feels that a parent forgoes any right to their own life once they choose to have children. As such, DW has been conditioned to expect help/support any time she requires it (also, she was a much longed-for late baby, so was spoiled). She also has a tendency to cry when she feels "got at".

DW struggles very much with my DPs, who are very independent, and have very full and active lives. This has led to a great deal of resentment from her.

My DM hasn't always approached this in the most sensitive way.

So while I wouldn't recommend tiptoeing round/indulging a DIL, just be mindful that your DS will always have to bear the brunt of any fallout between you and DIL.

Not allowing any issue to become a battleground, but instead taking an approach of agreeing to differ in a sensible manner helps a lot

there in lies the rub.

what if one party - usually the mil as she is not for instance the childs actual mother insists on doing things her way. You can ask nicely eg - please dont potty train dc your way we are doing it our way but ignores and whenever sees dc - just reverts to her better way.

You need two reasonable people - and if one isnt this is why we get issues.

As a MIL myself, I take a back seat and let them get on with it, whilst always being available to help out, or fill in if needed. I love my DIL because she's the mother of my 2 gorgeous toddler grandchildren.

For me, it would be to establish I real relationship with your dil that isn't centred around ds. Take an interest in her as a person, invite her to do something just the two of you, and treat her like a friend.

I would say look at the relationship with your son's. My MIL has no relationship with her sons. She doesn't text or ring or ask how they are, we just get messages to attend visits every few months with our children, then she moans she has no relationship with them. I find it hard to be around her as I don't know anything about her, and neither does my husband really. She wants the show of being a grandmother, except she doesn't want to build the relationship with us to enable her to be more involved. I have 2 son's, I can't imagine never sending them a text or a call for a chat, you need to build the relationship like you would meeting a new friend, not go into the situation expecting rights just because of a blood line. I would love her to text her son (dh) for no other reason than she just wanted to speak to him.

actually, i think Namechangemum100 has hit the nail on the head.

if you treat any potential DIL as an independent adult, rather than an extension of your DS (and providing she does the same to you), you'll probably be fine.