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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mothers in Law

78 replies

Thesearepearls · 24/06/2018 12:28

My children are both adult now, 18 & 20, and both are in relationships with people that I believe to be very nice and of course they are always welcome.

I know it's not going to happen anytime soon, but at some point, I am very likely going to be a MIL. Which is actually a pretty frightening prospect, given the general opprobrium on here. I've gathered what not to do. And generally the posts have centered around intrusive behaviour. I definitely won't be doing any of that.

I'm not sure I've picked up what, more positively, to do. What would your ideal MIL be like? What should the future me be doing to be an ideal MIL?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 27/06/2018 13:32

“For me, it would be to establish I real relationship with your dil that isn't centred around ds. Take an interest in her as a person, invite her to do something just the two of you, and treat her like a friend.”

Or not. There is absolutely no reason why you should be friends. Maybe you will be. But no more chance than you have of being friends with any other random person. I think problems are often caused by unrealistic expectations.

Lizzie48 · 27/06/2018 14:54

*“For me, it would be to establish I real relationship with your dil that isn't centred around ds. Take an interest in her as a person, invite her to do something just the two of you, and treat her like a friend.”

Or not. There is absolutely no reason why you should be friends. Maybe you will be. But no more chance than you have of being friends with any other random person. I think problems are often caused by unrealistic expectations.*

This 100%. My MIL has always desperately wanted a close relationship with me, which I didn't want at all. It's not that I don't like her, she's a lovely Grandma to my DDs. We just wouldn't be friends with each other in the normal course of events.

We're basically too different. My DH has never tried to be close friends with my DM, so why does it matter that I don't want to be close to my MIL??

lulu12345 · 27/06/2018 16:27

There is absolutely no reason why you should be friends. Maybe you will be. But no more chance than you have of being friends with any other random person. I think problems are often caused by unrealistic expectations.

Also agree with this ^

I can't imagine anything more awkward than if my MIL had been all over me trying to become close friends. And to be honest I don't know why any MIL would be so keen to suddenly become friends with a DIL (beyond normal "getting ohn with family members' partner" level) unless it's just a way to remain close to her son, which makes it feel a bit disingenuous.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2018 16:30

“And to be honest I don't know why any MIL would be so keen to suddenly become friends with a DIL (beyond normal "getting ohn with family members' partner" level) unless it's just a way to remain close to her son, which makes it feel a bit disingenuous.”

And if she feels she had to befriend her dil to remain close to her son, her dill is probably being a bit of an arse.

Echobelly · 27/06/2018 16:34

I think my mum is an ideal MIL to all our partners. She's willing to help out, makes her house suitable for kids (keeps toys, spare toothbrushes, baby stuff when they were little etc). Doesn't turn up unannounced, believes the best of people and so doesn't take offence at anything, never lectures and is almost always positive.

Lizzie48 · 27/06/2018 16:50

My MIL is like that, @lulu12345 it's very hard to cope with, as I've always needed to maintain clear boundaries (because my boundaries weren't respected when I was a child). She's very tactile, too, which I really don't like. I often feel bad about it, because I know she finds it hurtful.

I don't think she's being disingenuous, though, to be fair to her. She wouldn't be capable of that.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 27/06/2018 17:51

Honestly, I don't know. Reading on here whatever a MIL does will be considered wrong by someone - too much contact / not enough contact, wants to babysit too much / doesn't babysit at all, spends too much at Christmas or birthdays / doesn't spend enough or buys the wrong thing. So, for some DILs, I don't think it would matter what the MIL does, it would always be wrong.
Having said that, I try to treat my dcs partners the way I would have wanted to be treated by my MIL. So, I treat them as adults, not child's, I talk to them not at them and listen to them. I don't assume they are merely an extension of my dcs and I respect their choices. We are very different, but we all get on well and talk via chat apps, independently of the dcs. And as and when GCs come along, I will completely respect and support their choices regarding how they raise them.

I can't imagine any serious disagreement with either of them - we are all adult enough to embrace our differences without taking offence at each other.

BlingLoving · 27/06/2018 18:03

My MIL can be a bit difficult, but the thing that has worked for us is that I KNOW DH has my back and importantly, SHE expects him to. So when there are little issues, they don't escalate because it's not going to turn into a competition because we both already know who wins.

I think the secret is to be very clear with your children that their relationship and their lives are their own and you'll respect that and that you expect them to put their partners and family first. doesn't mean they don't still have familial obligations etc etc, but it does mean that you're not being set up as the competition from the start. And that's important.

I'd ask your DS' GF if she wants to walk with you. She might appreciate the offer. But make sure it's an offer, not an instruction. "If you ever want to come walking with me, I'd love the company" is very different to, "let's go for a walk right now".

MrsMarigold · 27/06/2018 18:11

All I can say is don't be fussy and nit picking, I dread my MIL visiting she is a faddy eater and I always feel I'm judged on things like ironing, cooking, parenting. Also with your grandchildren, don't parent them and undermine your DIL.

Summerscorcherisjustsummer · 27/06/2018 18:40

I cannot imagine treating any future dh of my dd with the contempt shown me by my in laws.

People are not stupid we usually come to a marriage having friends, fall outs and know the type of person we get on with.
It's condescending and patronising to suggest people expect too much.

Being friendly to your new close family member will open up the lines of communication further down the line. It will provide a rock and stable base to moves forward on.
Being treated with contempt, being held at arms distance, being cold is not going to bode well.

Making friends with dil to keep son close is also sign that actually son may be useless or not care for his mother... Or may care but be useless at showing it. A myriad of reasons rather than just the evil dil!!

Summerscorcherisjustsummer · 27/06/2018 18:45

banana

I disagree to extent.

There may be sweet lovely Mil who is genuinely denied contact from gc by bitch dil. However, it's the way some of the mils come across. In a strong genuine relationship of course no one will come on here to say... Mil does xyz because in rl they will tell Mil or dh and be able to do it with neither side being hurt!

Summerscorcherisjustsummer · 27/06/2018 18:48

user

That's so sad and same here. Fil even had the gall to text one Xmas.. We are missing your dds.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2018 18:52

It’s important to remember also that we only get one side of the story in here....... .Grin

Original poster
Thesearepearls · 27/06/2018 19:15

I've got a son and a daughter - both seemingly heterosexual - so the odds are that I will have a DIL and a SIL. The problems that we hear on MN are all about the DIL/MIL relationship and never about the SIL/MIL relationship. Surely that can be difficult too?

I'm taking notes ... DD has currently set out her stall and informs me that I will be required to live very close to wherever she ultimately settles so that I can help her with her as yet nonexistent children.

This sounds like something of a tall order. I mean what if she settles in the Antarctic or somewhere (Canada?). I don't mind a bit of snow but all year round it would be a bit much. And then what do I do about helping DS?

I'm hoping it's all moot. Maybe neither of them will have kids (seems unlikely though - knowing them).

OP posts:
lulu12345 · 27/06/2018 19:28

@Lizzie48 I wouldn't like that either.. don't feel guilty though, it's not your responsibility to accommodate her preferences entirely. Meeting her halfway is more than fair.

Lizzie48 · 27/06/2018 19:32

BertrandRussell

It’s important to remember also that we only get one side of the story in here.

That's very true. It's also the case that the MIL threads on Mumsnet are not really a true reflection of real life. Because obviously an OP won't start a thread about how well she gets on with her MIL.

So don't let the negative threads worry you, Thesearepearls there are a lot of MILs and DILs who get on fine. My DSis has a lovely relationship with her PIL. Smile

Namechangemum100 · 27/06/2018 19:32

My point wasn't to be friends at any cost, and to force a friendship that isn't there. My point was to treat her as an individual, not just the wife of your son. Whether you become great friends, or the type of friends who only exist because of circumstance doesn't really matter, the point is that she is more than just a partner, and if you want a good relationship with her then she should be treated in the same way you would treat anyone new.

It's like work colleagues...there are those you would be friends with outside of work, and those that you wouldn't...but you are still friends.

Skydiving · 27/06/2018 19:35

Ah op you have a daughter you will be fine.
Speaking as a child of one ds myself, I tend to find its mums of only boys who become territorial when they get older. They just can’t stand the competition of another woman and fear being pushed out in favour of the dils mother.
I can see myself feeling this way, tbh, but I’m determined not to let it take over and turn into a monster mil.

Lizzie48 · 27/06/2018 19:40

Thank you, @lulu12345 that's very kind. I would never object to her staying with us, though I finally objected to her staying for 6 days like she always used to. She stayed for 3 nights last time, which is plenty as far as I'm concerned. It taught me that sometimes you really have to put your foot down.

ChimesAtMidnight · 27/06/2018 19:42

My own MIL was warm, loving, generous and probably one of my closest friends. I moved a long way from my own family when I got married and she made it much easier for me.
Now I’m a MIL I try to be like her.
My golden rule is to be aware that I and their dad are no longer the most important people in our children’s lives and to take a step back.

timeisnotaline · 27/06/2018 19:43

Remember that your ds isn’t perfect and his wife will be very aware of his shortcomings. If you don’t recognise them chances are you are responsible for them in the first place! Also, his dw is family now. You can’t continue to have dinner parties for just your children and spouses can stay home and put the gc to bed.
Agree with pp about everyone is different.

SeaEagleFeather · 27/06/2018 21:08

and never about the SIL/MIL relationship. Surely that can be difficult too?

there are threads on here that are about that actually. Usually it's a thread about the daughter/mum dynamic being difficult and then there's mention that 'my partner hates what's going on"

thing is, not many men post on here so you just don't see it directly.

Mumsnet is a very skewed portion of the population and sometimes people forget that it's very far from the whole picture! Specially when it -is- 99.9% people posting about difficult relationships, not the good ones

Lemonyknickers · 28/06/2018 19:13

I think just wanting to be a nice MIL goes a long way. As PPs have said, you get the complaints on here and to understand they may not be your type of person but can still be your child's type. My MIL told DH not to marry me, made it clear for several years she was waiting to sweep him up after the divorce.
10 years in she realised it wasn't happening, 20 years on we have a calm relationship. I recognise she is a devoted mother and grandmother, I think she accepts I am important to her DS and DGC so has to be nice. We are not friends, I find it hard to forgive the last but I don't think about it and just treat her politely. Perhaps if we'd have started with her wanting to accept me we would have been close by now.

Racecardriver · 28/06/2018 19:17

The MIL I wanted would be kind, funny, fond of tea and long chats, thick skinned (it's hard not to take things personally when you have a MIL/DIL relationship), fond of my children, loving and supportive to both me and DH, able to offer wisdom without sounding judgemental and an honourable well meaning person. Instead I got the oversensitive, paranoid, judgemental, interfering bitch from hell.

Oh well. Hopefully I won't turn into her when my time comes.

Lizzie48 · 28/06/2018 19:51

The problem with that description, @Racecardriver is that no MIL could ever live up to it. We're all human and have our faults. I'm sorry you ended up with the 'interfering bitch from hell' (I have an interfering mum so I do empathise), but IRL mistakes are made on both sides, even in a healthy relationship between MIL and DIL.