Partner of 20 years is leaving and I'm bereft.

[RebeccaFE]

My fiancé has finally declared that after 20 years together and a lot of trying he simply cannot be with me anymore as he can't get past an affair I had eight years ago and a one off liaison I had about 12 years ago. The huge thing being I remained in touch with the liaison via email/text up until he found about about it 4 years ago. It has only been recently that I've stopped making excuses for my behaviour. Things haven't been perfect but he loved and adored me unconditionally and I still can't fathom out my betrayal. We had a huge fall out some weeks back and he was leaving then but we decided to try and work it out. He himself just the other day said it was a HUGE positive that he was still here and trying to work on it. And then on Monday he finally dropped the bombshell that he simply can't move past it. He says he still loves me, still cares for me, still fancies me but just can't live like it anymore and that he has been trying for so long.
I am beyond bereft. Yes, it's my own fault and I entirely accept that. I acted appallingly. I adore this man, he is everything to me, a fabulous father to our 8 year old son. I simply cannot imagine my life and future without him. He has said he wants to see our son every day still, wants us to attend school events together and still do things together. Just more ticks on his perfect list. Of course, in reality he isn't perfect, we have had enormous ups and downs during our 20 years together but after he said he was leaving a few weeks back I sat down and thought about things. Was I really that bothered about all the crap in the past enough to be without him and the answer was a resounding no. I would do anything to rectify matters. We have had the discussion about is there someone else but he is adamant that there isn't and given that we are together 24/7 he really wouldn't have the opportunity. Besides, he's very old school and just wouldn't do that. I find myself rolling my eyes at my seeming naivety but as he said, at this stage denying there was someone else if there was would just be cruel. He has said how sorry he is that it's come to this, that he doesn't want to hurt me. And until he finds somewhere else we are living as a couple. We have yet to tell our son who has ASD and ADHD.

I'm sorry that it has come to this but it is probably for the best. In time to come you both will have moved on and you will look back and see your relationship wasn't meant to be.
I'm sure deep down you knew this would happen and you've been living with the apprehension of when.
Be gentle on yourself. Be sensible and get finances sorted and give yourself time.

So you have cheated on him twice.Not many men would put up with that.In his eyes you don't really love him -your actions speak louder than words

Your affair was 8 years ago and your son is 8? Is he wondering whether he is the father?

From what I understand a lot of people try to work at their relationship, post affair.

And it can take a few years to realise that you can't get past it. It's not unusual.

All you can do is get through the separation and learn from the mistakes you made in this relationship. And don't do it again.

Paternity is not an issue

My own past is very mixed, I was sexually abused by my own brother and then my father. It was brushed under the carpet in both occasions leaving me with a set of morals not even I understand. I never received help or therapy. In my fiancé I found everything I was ever looking for and yet jeopardised that and can't explain why.

I love him. I always did. I was always the main bread winner, happy to have him be the home maker. I supported him in his endeavours.

The bottom line is I don't want to lose him and am currently awaiting counselling. The revelation that my abuse has affected so many aspects of my life.

Every day we are still affectionate, both at home and publicly. He says no-one will ever come before our DS or me. He loves me and cares for me and says he wishes he could think differently.

Hi OP

I am sorry you are so sad. This is obviously something your DP tried hard to get past but couldn't.
I think maybe therapy is a must for you.
I also am sorry that you had that awful experience as a child, absolutely no one should go through that, however you are in control of your own actions towards your partner. You chose to have an affair and a fling instead of working on you and your DP.
I hope you can find peace and your DP and you can co parent for your son

I am indeed in charge of my actions and that is not in question. I am still unable to fathom my own actions, something so worthless at the expense of something that could've been amazing. I am only now just reading into sexual abuse survivors and how it affects their adult relationships. It is continuing to prove difficult and eye opening reading.

I grieve for so much. Currently at the forefront of my mind is the impending loss of my fiancé and our family unit.

For me it's as though I'm FINALLY breaking free of the turmoils life dealt me but there is no fiancé to walk beside me. Although he continually tells me he'll always be there, he loves me, he cares for me but he just "can't do this anymore". In his own words he says he doesn't know whether he'll realise it's the biggest mistake of his life.

All I envisage is him snuggled up with a wonderful deserving woman in her pristine home looking after him and vice versa as he IS very caring and protective. At 58 he is old school with impeccable manners. He makes a lady feel like a lady. Writing all this the tears flow again, for us both

Check your name OP?

I would give him the space he is needing right now.
You need to give him that no matter how hard it is for you.
He is obviously hurting so much still ( not that your childhood is not hurting you now, but these are things you did to him)
Who knows in time, he may find someone else, he may not.
Please take this time to work on your issues and focus on being the best you, you can be. Get your head sorted and be kind to yourself.

Yes, I have changed my name going forward.

All the other copious amounts of threads and pages and boards I've read seem to not fit my remit entirely. Part of me wishes he hated me, my stomach lurches whenever he refers to me or introduces me as his 'other half'. I find it heartbreaking that he still wants to see DS EVERY day, do the school run, do family things, take us out... it's like he wants to be together whilst not being together.

And still I feel enormous guilt and pain and resentment for what I've done to him and ultimately us. And more so that just a week ago he was saying he was staying and was going to work through it.

You need to accept and respect his decision and learn to coparent.

Affairs are destructive and with your history, getting professional support would be good.

Hopefully it will help you learn more about yourself and help in future relationships.

The sooner he moves out, the sooner you begin to heal. It's not really fair expecting you to continue acting like a couple.

Your son needs to know...so that it's not a big surprise when he moves out.

I'm feeling just devastated tonight. Broached the subject of fiancé seeing DS and how he saw it working and he says about picking him up every morning for school and taking him as usual. I explained how difficult I would find this and how I felt it would give mixed messages to DS. Am I wrong? I said you can't have the best if both worlds, you're choosing to leave the family unit but you still want to maintain it? He said my feelings have to be secondary to DS, that I should be thinking of him and not myself. Please help, I don't want to be one of those mums who is seen as being a bitch but how can he expect me to move on when he'll be around so much.

We live very rurally so I can't just nip to a friends house as I don't really have any as sad as that sounds. Fiancé and I were always (or so I thought) happiest with each others company.

I do feel for you as you’re obviously devastated but but I agree with your fiancé, you do have to put your son first.
The fact he wants to pick his son up everyday and try to maintain a normal a routine as possible, is the mark of a good father.

His fathering skills would never be in question. Ever.

So I find myself alone and unsupported. I can see why so many turn to suicide. It can't hurt as much as this does.

Becki, please call someone if you are feeling down. I think it has come as a great shock for you as even though you acknowledge your part in the break up it sounds like you DP was sending you the message he had forgiven and forgotten about your affair

Becki yes please do phone someone to talk to.

The Samaritans number is 116 123 if you’re in the UK.

He wants to pick him up every day? What, for the next 3 years or so? That’s just daft.

OP do you or your son’s father also have ASD or ADHD? Would addressing this also help? It’s never too late to be referred

So I find myself alone and unsupported. I can see why so many turn to suicide. It can't hurt as much as this does.

However much you think you are hurting right now, it's not as much as the hurt of betrayal, which you gave your dp no say in. Twice. And continued to remain in contact with the other man, which is unforgiveable.
You say you would do anything to rectify it, but you can't have been doing much in the meantime, if your dp has been unable to get over your betrayal to any extent in four years.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's time to stop thinking about yourself. What do you think suicide would do to your child? And your dp would no doubt feel guilty, when it's your actions which have caused him to want to leave. Hang on for the counseling, and think of how you can help others live their best lives too.

Oh op i am so sorry

How are this morning Becki?

I am utterly UTTERLY aware of the ramifications of my behaviour. There have been times in the past that I have tried to blame some of it on what was happening within our relationship at the time but there IS no excuse. I am coming to realise how my childhood abuse has been affecting my life choices, my behaviour, and it is devastating. All over again.

I feel the split so deeply as just a week ago he said he was definitely staying, that he was working through not pushing aside his feelings this time. And then the bombshell.

He said again he wishes he could think differently but refuses counselling/therapy. I said it feels like there MAY be a chink of light, even the possibility for him to work through this but he doesn't want to take it. And I find that soul destroying.

I am in the other side of this equation. No affair but huge betrayals from H throughout our 20 years ish of marriage.
My experience is that, for a while, you can plough through, try and make it work. Really try. And then one day, a very small thing will make the balance tip over and younrealise you just can’t do it anymore.
My advice on that is to acknowledge his hurt and his feelings. And then work on yourself FOR yourself rather for him/save the relationhsip.

Where I do not agree with him is the idea that you have to put your ds above everything else and accept a situation that HE finds ok (eg picking your ds up every morning to go to school) but you don’t.

A breakup is always hard. A break up where you are constantly reminded of what you had, everything is put right up in your face is awful. So I agree with you that it’s not possible for him to keep everything the same, see his ds as much as he used to etc etc AND leave the family home
Either he wants his cake and eat it or he actually doesn’t quite know what he wants/finds it extremely hard to draw a line.

I said you can't have the best if both worlds, you're choosing to leave the family unit but you still want to maintain it?

I don't want to sound harsh. But he is leaving you, not your son. He wants the relationship and things he does with his son, to remain the same, where possible.

He is right it's about your son. Not you.

You chose to cheat. Whatever the past, you chose to do that and then remain in contact with OM. But made that choice and you want to maintain the relationship. You can't have the best of both worlds.

My wrong doings aren't in question. Nobody can be any harsher or forthright or outright slag me off more than I have done myself.

Of course DS is paramount, he is my priority, OUR priority. But my life has to continue also. Fiancé will be nicely tucked up in a new home, not surrounded by 20 years of hoarding and the trappings that come with a son with ASN and a number of animals we've acquired as a family.

He has hit the roof stating he'll drag me through court if I try and move away. He was married before and went through an awful divorce and lost contact with his other DC. I'd never want to do that. But I have to be able to move forward. I thought we WERE moving forward together so this is all new to me. Fresh heartache, new pain and emptiness.

Your ex will have to help you sort the house, and the animals and your son, he can’t just move out and leave it all to you.

You’re probably too much in shock at the moment to make any long lasting decisions, but tell him that you want a meeting about all the arrangements in a week or so.