Partner of 20 years is leaving and I'm bereft.

[RebeccaFE]

My fiancé has finally declared that after 20 years together and a lot of trying he simply cannot be with me anymore as he can't get past an affair I had eight years ago and a one off liaison I had about 12 years ago. The huge thing being I remained in touch with the liaison via email/text up until he found about about it 4 years ago. It has only been recently that I've stopped making excuses for my behaviour. Things haven't been perfect but he loved and adored me unconditionally and I still can't fathom out my betrayal. We had a huge fall out some weeks back and he was leaving then but we decided to try and work it out. He himself just the other day said it was a HUGE positive that he was still here and trying to work on it. And then on Monday he finally dropped the bombshell that he simply can't move past it. He says he still loves me, still cares for me, still fancies me but just can't live like it anymore and that he has been trying for so long.
I am beyond bereft. Yes, it's my own fault and I entirely accept that. I acted appallingly. I adore this man, he is everything to me, a fabulous father to our 8 year old son. I simply cannot imagine my life and future without him. He has said he wants to see our son every day still, wants us to attend school events together and still do things together. Just more ticks on his perfect list. Of course, in reality he isn't perfect, we have had enormous ups and downs during our 20 years together but after he said he was leaving a few weeks back I sat down and thought about things. Was I really that bothered about all the crap in the past enough to be without him and the answer was a resounding no. I would do anything to rectify matters. We have had the discussion about is there someone else but he is adamant that there isn't and given that we are together 24/7 he really wouldn't have the opportunity. Besides, he's very old school and just wouldn't do that. I find myself rolling my eyes at my seeming naivety but as he said, at this stage denying there was someone else if there was would just be cruel. He has said how sorry he is that it's come to this, that he doesn't want to hurt me. And until he finds somewhere else we are living as a couple. We have yet to tell our son who has ASD and ADHD.

LyndseyKola
I can well imagine it’s extremely upsetting to find that eight years after the most recent betrayal, he’s finally had enough.

Its 4 years.

There's nothing I can do about the past. None of you can berate me or slag me off more than I have done so myself. My original post was an outpouring of grief and sorrow, the same feelings I have every day.
Do I love him, yes. For all the right reasons and some of the wrong. Is he a saint, ABSOLUTELY not. Had he wronged me, Absolutely. Does that matter? No. I can't change what was. I can only work with here and now. And it's awful being with him like nothing is wrong 😔 Usually the leaving partner leaves. There is no i love you, I care for you, I desire you...they just go. This is why it's so extra painful.

Is it worth seeking couples counselling not so much for the relationship but for a co-parenting relationship?

Co-parenting will not be an issue. What I'm struggling with is his continuance of our relationship. I've seen couples split up, I've even left my ex-husband for DP so I know that when you want to leave you LEAVE. He has the chance to stay at his mum's flat whilst she's in hospital for a prolonged stay and it's only 2 miles away but he doesn't want to. This is the man who says he wants peace and quiet. Yet when it's offered he turns it down 🤷

He is still at home. He hasn't found anywhere to live as HE wasn't looking but his friend was. He told me how hard it is finding somewhere that ticks all the boxes 🤷

Last week after a lot of thought I explained to him that once he leaves and don't want to see him again. Other than child handovers etc. I explained I wouldn't be smiling and waving DS off every morning when he picked him up, that I didn't want to be doing family days out and that I didn't want him coming around doing jobs and maintenance etc. I explained that I'd find it too hard and would always be wanting more.

Since then he has been very unhappy and confused. He says he doesn't get how we can be getting on so well and yet I'm saying what I am about cutting contact. I explained he has a choice! I reminded him he's the one leaving but that he has the choice to stay and work through it and I pointed out the positive things I've been doing to heal ME. He just seems utterly thrown and I don't understand what he doesn't get?

I think OP that he probably just feels he will never quite feel the same, do you really want to hold him there purely because you think he should ‘get over it’ . I don’t think that’s being very kind or in the long run very good for your mental health as he wouldn’t be staying because ‘he wants to’

I would NEVER want him to stay for any other reason than he wanted to! . I do want him to heal and be happy and I'm so happy bhea finally taking the prescribed AD from the doctor. I feel this will give him clarity either way.

The decision is entirely his. Just as the decision to go to counselling and face my abuse has been mine. I had to finally understand why I behaved as I did, why I jeopardised the one thing I truly cherished. It's extremely painful 😔

Having a bad week after starting so well.

How does he expect me to move on whilst he's still here? Today I feel I should cut all physical contact, hugs, kisses, making love, and stop doing his laundry and we should stop cooking for each other and making drinks. I feel I should leave our bed too. All seems so drastic and final and believe me is so much more painful than I ever imagined.

Or do I continue being loving and supportive 🤷

I've even left my ex-husband for DP

So you've cheated multiple times then?

Have you ever been faithful in a relationship?

OP... this is similar to your story.

Mine is a very long story. I cannot fully verbalize it myself. So I will make it short:
I am a former wayward wife.
I was 3 yrs married and 1 yr with a newborn son when I met the other man in my new office.
The length of the affair was 1 yr 4 month.
The affair was a totally out of character behaviour for me. I had never cheated any exes before.
The affair was very damaging for my marriage and almost destroyed my relationship with my husband.
My husband found. He actually found out a month before confronting me.
He gave me two straight choices - end the affair and quit the job or divorce.
I took the previous.
As I got out of the affair, I did everything to recover my marriage and show my husband how remorseful I am and how much I loved him.

And now 8 yrs later he wants to divorce me because of my affair. The 8 yrs where I poured everything to recover the marriage, made new memories with my husband always trying to make him happy.

Be careful, OP: if he is the primary caregiver, he may be awarded full custody and you will have to leave the home and pay him child support.

How is he the primary caregiver? We both are at home 24/7.

There is much more to our story, I chose only to explain my part in it. Therapy is showing me that it is wrong of me to take sole responsibility.

I think I will ask for this thread to be deleted. I have received enough character assassination when nobody could berate me more than I have myself. If I can forgive and move past his wrong doings over 20 years then I would have hoped for the same.

I appreciate the input I have received, as painful as it has been.

In your earlier post you said you have been physically intimate with him since his decision to leave? Stop doing this immediately. It’s not fair on you emotionally. If he wants to leave and it’s dragging on you need to be living separate lives under the same roof.

I’m not judging you OP I also had some past experiences as a teenager (not as traumatic as yours but also a family member). I’ve behaved in ways I’m not proud of as an adult. I’ve been promiscuous and yes I’ve cheated. Fortunately in my younger years and no children involved. For me it was due to low self esteem. Keep going to counselling. You are going to have to start to put up an emotional barrier to your ex partner in order to preserve your ability to function and process what is happening in therapy. All of your emotional energy that you are currently ploughing into him needs to be redirected towards yourself and healing.