Partner of 20 years is leaving and I'm bereft.

[RebeccaFE]

My fiancé has finally declared that after 20 years together and a lot of trying he simply cannot be with me anymore as he can't get past an affair I had eight years ago and a one off liaison I had about 12 years ago. The huge thing being I remained in touch with the liaison via email/text up until he found about about it 4 years ago. It has only been recently that I've stopped making excuses for my behaviour. Things haven't been perfect but he loved and adored me unconditionally and I still can't fathom out my betrayal. We had a huge fall out some weeks back and he was leaving then but we decided to try and work it out. He himself just the other day said it was a HUGE positive that he was still here and trying to work on it. And then on Monday he finally dropped the bombshell that he simply can't move past it. He says he still loves me, still cares for me, still fancies me but just can't live like it anymore and that he has been trying for so long.
I am beyond bereft. Yes, it's my own fault and I entirely accept that. I acted appallingly. I adore this man, he is everything to me, a fabulous father to our 8 year old son. I simply cannot imagine my life and future without him. He has said he wants to see our son every day still, wants us to attend school events together and still do things together. Just more ticks on his perfect list. Of course, in reality he isn't perfect, we have had enormous ups and downs during our 20 years together but after he said he was leaving a few weeks back I sat down and thought about things. Was I really that bothered about all the crap in the past enough to be without him and the answer was a resounding no. I would do anything to rectify matters. We have had the discussion about is there someone else but he is adamant that there isn't and given that we are together 24/7 he really wouldn't have the opportunity. Besides, he's very old school and just wouldn't do that. I find myself rolling my eyes at my seeming naivety but as he said, at this stage denying there was someone else if there was would just be cruel. He has said how sorry he is that it's come to this, that he doesn't want to hurt me. And until he finds somewhere else we are living as a couple. We have yet to tell our son who has ASD and ADHD.

Becky. How would you feel if you found out he had been cheating with another woman on a couple of occasions. Could you have got the thought of him in bed with another woman doing all the intimate things that you do? That's what he has in his head, but he has tried far beyond what many betrayed spouses would do, but equally been very decent and fair to you by explaining that he can't get over it and recognises that he needs to be apart from you. All credit to him for his approach as a father.

No doubt it will hurt and all you can do is to try and learn from what has happened and to create as stable and good life for your son given that you sound like you will be the primary carer

If you don't want to stay in house, can he stay in it?

Yes you need to move on from this relationship, but you can do it while he is still a hands on parent. The pets, depends. When I spot with exh, I claimed the pets but then they were either mine or bought for the kids (who were going to be with me for the most part).

All this organising will take time. But you need to be doing what's best for your son. Based on your son. Not based on you not being able to love forward.

I can also tell you that being the one to leave the family home and start somewhere new isn't always the amazing breath of fresh air that everyone expects. For me it was gut renching. An awful experience.

Yes this is all new to you. But each time you betrayed him, it was new to him too. He has tried his best, but can't move past this. This is all a consequence of your behaviour. No one else's. But your posts do read as though you think he has a cheek, by not wanting to be with you.

I’m sorry but if you choose to stay with someone after an affair there comes a point where you have to move forward. Even if I appreciate that it can take time to rebuild a relationship and that sometimes after a few months this can’t be done and a split becomes inevitable, the fact is that none of us are perfect and we all commit wrongs within relationships. You don’t get to hold those wrongs over someone for ever if you have chosen to remain within that relationship.

Yes, having the affair was wrong, and yes, it is likely that there are issues within the OP’s relationship which mean that it is perhaps best if she and her partner go their separate ways for now while she finds her own way forward through therapy etc. But it sounds to me as if the affair is being used as an excuse for him to leave. It was eight years ago. There comes a point where you have to move forward or move on.

The OP shouldn’t be made to be beating herself up over this eight years later. If he couldn’t cope with it he should have left sooner.

OP, what has happened to suddenly bring this back to the fore and for him to decide to leave? I don’t believe that it was the affair, but that the affair is being used as a justification as he knows he will get more sympathy if he tells the world you had an affair which he couldn’t get past.

Oh and I would say the same to a woman as a man.....

He says he has been struggling for years trying to come to terms with it. We also met a new mutual friend last year, a lesbian, who within weeks was a very good friend, we both adored her. She became a confidant for us both but it turns out that she was slagging each of us off to the other. Telling me I'd be better off without him and he better off without me. Every little thing I told her she fed back to him and then would be incredulous when I told her he'd found things out. Finally this year I questioned their friendship and although it was just that ( she's been with her partner years) it was definitely an emotional affair for him.

I also found out he'd been confiding in another woman who we both know ( I used to work for her family) which had turned flirty. Her husband left her early last year. It was her that told me about it. We live 500 miss from her so there was never any meeting, he said he just unloaded on to her as well. She cut the contact months ago.
And yet I don't blame him. Why shouldn't he feel the thrill of attention that he knows I did all those years ago. And maybe this is what has been the catalyst for him.

Ah so there we have it.

It’s actually incredibly common for a betrayed partner to go on to have an affair themselves, but it sounds as if in your situation he actually wants to be able to move on and be with someone else but that he needs an excuse which puts you in the wronged position. So he’s come up with not being able to cope with your having had an affair all those years ago.

It sounds tbh as if the relationship has run its course regardless of the reasons he is giving. I would drop the affection as of now, move into the spare room if you have one, and work out what is best for your DC in terms of access.

But I wouldn’t indulge this talk of how he can’t get over your betrayal any more and I would stop apologising for it.

Use the therapy you are going to have to help you come to terms with the things which led you to an affair in the first place so that you don’t repeat the patterns in future relationships, but what’s done is done in your current relationship, and assuming the past eight years hasn’t been hell on earth for this relationship, stop giving him any airtime in terms of laying the blame at your door.

He isn't blame shifting, he's being honest. Yes, he spoke to these women as I wasn't listening to him, I understand that now. And no, I'm not being naive. There is no possibility of him seeing anyone, we are both at home 24/7.

I'm no closer to acceptance, just stuck in a cycle of grief.

I know it’s really hard and it hurts but I think you will find when you let him go and put your son first and move on without your partner beside you, it will give you space to grieve and work through your trauma.
It won’t be easy but it sounds like you need that room to work through your past. Keep going to counselling. Allow the pain of the now, and your past to surface and work through it. It will help you in the long run to do this now. You will get through this with others supporting you. It sounds like it’s time to work this through.
Let go OP and start your healing process. It will get easier and in five years time you will look back differently. Your two affairs (I’m not blaming or guilting here) are examples of the hurt and pain you carry. It is something you need to work through and it will help all your future relationships whatever they are. So let go and step into getting better. You’re not alone OP and your son needs you so keep moving forward so allow the tears and go to counselling.

Becky
How are you doing today?

As heartbroken as ever.

Have you been able to talk to someone in RL?

'The OP shouldn’t be made to be beating herself up over this eight years later. If he couldn’t cope with it he should have left sooner. '

Why should he have left sooner? He was trying to make it work. Yes, it is possible he has met someone else, but it it is equally likely he has finally thrown in the towel after 8 years of torturing himself about what went on.

Nearly 8 years on here. Still very troubled, and very likely to walk away. It is hard to explain the internal torture every time you look at someone, and then remember. Remember what they did, what they said, and what they are capable of doing again. Dcs complicate things and make it hard to walk away though.

As he says, if he was going to hate me he would've by now. But he doesn't. He loves me. He's sorry he's leaving. He knows it's selfish he says. But his mental health is taking a toll. He has been to the doctor's and has been given AD but won't take them. He says he needs to be away from all the stress that being here brings.

The matter of my sexual abuse as a child/teenager is currently consuming me. I know I'm able to make choices but feel as though I was not furnished/educated correctly about things growing up. Maybe there was an element of being allowed to over compensate. When I told Mum about my indiscretions she acted like a giggly friend instead of being appalled and explaining the error of my ways. No, it's not her fault but we're all a product of our environment/upbringing.

I'm not blaming anyone else. I'm consumed with anger at myself, regret, sorrow. I would do anything to make my Fiancé as happy as I once did. And so today I have just supported him 😔

I have my first counselling session tomorrow. It feels like I've accepted we're over which I haven't I just know I have to fix ME.

Asked fiancé earlier was he over me and he looked at me and said No.

He isn’t your fiancé surely, he’s your ex boyfriend.

Asking him if he’s over you, when he only ended the relationship just over a week ago seems a little disingenuous.

He's my DP until he walks out that door 😔

Calling him your fiancé after so long is well a bit fanciful.

I don't know OP.

You are together 20 years and have a child and he still hasn't married you.

You wanted to be with someone else twice in the course of your relationship.

I'd say you see him as a saint and are beating yourself up - but not sure how much you actually love him. Actions indeed speak louder than words. Your actions said that you want someone or something else.

Three weeks on and he's still here. He says he can't face looking for somewhere and so has a friend doing it. We continue to get on well, do things as a couple, he continues to make plans for things at home etc. Our friends say he just doesn't look like a man who wants to leave his partner. My counselling is hard and painful 😔

Very confusing name change

SummerGems

Its funny that you say about not repeating patterns but are adamant that he must have another reason for leaving.

The OP has cheated or been caught out betraying him in 4 yr sections, maybe what has brought this up is that its another 4 yrs.

Realistically this is gonna be difficult until he, or you, leaves.

Keep going to counselling. Figure out how and why you disrespected him so much you were able not only to cheat on him, but stay in touch with your affair partner even once you’d been given the gift of reconciliation.

I don’t imagine you liked him all that much to be able to do that to him and the relationship, let alone love or respect him.

You didn’t learn your lesson after the first affair, at some point you’ll have gone for a third and he probably knows this and has decided to get out and respect himself.

Your poor ex DP. I’m pleased he’s starting to make movements to leave. He deserves a partner who loves him.

It's interesting to read how so many don't comprehend how much I DO love him.
I was sexually abused by two family members as a child and it was never dealt with appropriately. This has left me with extremely blurred lines on boundaries and a whole host of other issues. Therapy is hard work.
There would never have been any other infidelities. A long time has passed since it happened. A lot of changes have occurred. And most importantly is my journey into dealing with the abuse.
Sadly I will have to face that alone but I can do nothing about what HAS happened or worry about what MIGHT happen. I can only deal with and live in the here and now.

I think people see love differently. You may feel like you love him. Others may believe that love is tied in with respect, and if you respected someone you wouldn’t be able to cheat on them multiple times and betray their forgiveness by continuing to stay in touch with the affair partner.

I wish you all the best in being able to work through these issues, both for your own benefit and so that you can eventually have another relationship that isn’t destroyed with your actions.

I can well imagine it’s extremely upsetting to find that eight years after the most recent betrayal, he’s finally had enough. Perhaps you felt like you’d managed to sort through the issues and managed to keep hold of the relationship while also having had the pleasure and excitement of being with two other men outside of the marriage too.

But, as I’m sure you’re aware, actions have consequences that sometimes come a long time afterwards. You can never be sure that you’ve gotten away with infidelity, as there’s every chance the betrayed partner will eventually cheat themselves or leave.

But that’s relationships in general. If it makes it easier to handle, he could eventually have realised he was done with the marriage anyway, even without you cheating.

Twenty years is a long time. You can both be sure you gave it your best shot, knowing you didn’t quit after the first or second infidelity. At least there’ll be few ‘what if’s, wondering what might have happened if you’d remained together longer. You both gave it your best shot. And hopefully you’ve both learned very valuable lessons you will take into future relationships.

Your past experiences (I am very sorry to hear you’ve been abused) shape who you are, they can help to explain why someone acts the way they do, but they are never an excuse. I sense you are willing to own the fact that you chose to cheat without trying to claim it was inevitable due to your past, that will serve you well in therapy I think.

Is there a reason you never tried to access therapy before now in your adult life?

I fully take ownership of my behaviour. There are no excuses. I came to spendany many hours wondering why I did it. Therapy is helping me unravel that.
I always felt uneasy strong enough to forego any outside intervention. When in reality it was the very thing I needed. As a child the abuse was swept under the carpet, nobody was brought to justice and I was left feeling worthless and not worth the bother. The same as I feel now. But now I know I need help hence starting the therapy.
What is so very painful is still living as though nothing is different. He still holds me and hugs me and kisses me, we hold hands when we're out (initiated by him) and at home on the sofa. Sometimes I wonder if it was all a terrible nightmare and then I wake up and remember it wasn't.