Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Disrespectful mother in law

100 replies

eirrah · 23/06/2018 18:13

My fiancé’s mum is overbearing and so interfering. She has been told that she won’t have any involvement in helping plan our wedding as it’s a small wedding abroad and I have my two best friends helping me.

My mum died when I was 19.

I have discovered MIL has a Pinterest board set up for our wedding full of wedding vows, flowers and ideas for mother of the bride. I am so so upset by this but my partner says we should just forget about it. I want to ask her to delete it but I reckon she will have some lame excuse anyway.

Background - we used to get on but I’ve got to discover her a bit better and don’t like her. She had my boyfriend paying her bills and taking money off him without paying it back. Since he met me this has all changed and she doesn’t really like that I’ve put a stop to it all and we don’t talk much anymore. I don’t know why she would assume she could plan my wedding anyway when we don’t talk hardly but obviously I’m really hurt by this.

What would you do?

OP posts:
InfiniteSheldon · 23/06/2018 19:37

Not respecting you? By having ideas about what to wear to her son's wedding? Not sure it's her who's controlling sounds very much like you are. Women like you make me thankful for my lovely ds and his equally lovely wife.

Footballmumofthefuture · 23/06/2018 19:39

I agree with @Newsofas
It's really sad to see some of the relationships with MIL's & FIL's on here.

I would hope I would include my future MIL in the same things my own mother is involved in.

Too many times you see the mans parents cut out of important things including children and weddings.

A wedding is about 2 people not just one. She sounds a little over invested. But at the same time and thinking about it. I can see my own mother doing the same thing, but because of excitement, nothing sinister.

I also have boys and when it comes to their big day I would hope, to have grown a special bond with their partners, in that they are happy to include me.

If a Pinterest board is all you are bothered about then personally I don't see the need to worry at all. Instead I'd be happy they were paying such and interest.

There is a bit of a drip feed with bills and money. Was there a reason your DP was helping his DM out?

littlerocketman · 23/06/2018 19:40

I'm so sorry you don't have your mum with you. This must be a difficult time.

I think your MIL is just having a bit of fun imagining how she would have the wedding if she was allowed to be involved, to be honest. It might even be her way of distracting herself. It must have been hurtful for her to hear you were not interested in her having anything to do with it. It doesn't sound like she has tried to push these ideas onto you. She can have a pinterest board if she wants. It's what she does with it that matters.

I invited my MIL to see my wedding dress before the day, just to be nice. She is not a particularly wonderful person but I thought it would cost me nothing and mean a lot to her. There's something about your OP that lacks the faintest glimmer of kindness. Nothing you've said about your MIL makes me think she has done something to deserve that.

For what its worth, it's not unheard of for children to help their parents out financially now and again, especially if they're on their own. She hasn't committed a crime that justifies you treating her like she's the world's worst for the rest of her life. You may not love her but your DH does and she loves him. If you come between them, everyone will lose in the end including your future children who will want to have a nan.

In the kindest possible way, it's not her fault your mum can't be with you. It sounds a bit like you're punishing her.

InfiniteSheldon · 23/06/2018 19:41

Just reread your OP when you say she had 'your boyfriend' doing things and paying things for her are you referring to her son? You mean her son paid for things for her and did things for her and you are proud of putting a stop to it? You sound like you are the controlling one maybe he will see it in time I'm fairly sure he can do better.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/06/2018 19:41

I really don't get why. this is an issue? Her son is getting married, she is probably a bit disappointed she isn't involved in wedding preparations and is having a poke around in pintrest.

FWBcomplexity · 23/06/2018 19:41

Why do you feel it necessary to control your dp’s relationship with his mum and control people’s Pinterest board? It has nothing to do with you what she puts on there. You sound like the nightmare tbh.

Efferlunt · 23/06/2018 19:47

I think I have to stop reading mumsnet. As the mother of boys I really hope I never end up with them married to an irrational controlling dil who will want to cut me out of their lives for breathing in the wrong way.

It’s a Pinterest board ffs she can put what ever she likes on it, if you don’t want to see it unfollow her.

Efferlunt · 23/06/2018 19:48

Sorry should clarify that was a general point about these types of threads, I must of seem five or six of them in the last few days.

pinkbraces · 23/06/2018 19:57

OP how old are you? You sound very young and immature.

I really can’t see from your posts what heinous crime your MIL to be has done. I think you are being very unkind.

I don’t understand why your fiancés mum can’t help with the wedding planning, it’s her sons day as well.

Gazelda · 23/06/2018 20:01

It must hurt to know that she is saving pins under the heading 'mother of the bride'. Not having your mum around while arranging your wedding is tough (I know).
But from her POV, you've 'taken' her DS, and sidelined her from the wedding. She hasn't actually done anything, and I don't think she's being disrespectful. Can't you blocker her Pinterest from your view and her from yours, so that she can dream a little but it doesn't sting you so much?

Olddear · 23/06/2018 20:24

To the boyfriend: RUN!!!!!!

Locasta · 23/06/2018 20:24

She has been told that she won’t have any involvement in helping plan our wedding

This says it all. I don't think your future MIL is the controlling one. Her Pinterest board is fuck all to do with you and its creepy that you feel the need to stalk her online tbh. You have issues.

Locasta · 23/06/2018 20:26

it’s not something I can ever imagine myself to do if I was the one in her shoes?

Let's hope you're never in her shoes having a DIL whose a complete and utter bitch.

YoucancallmeVal · 23/06/2018 20:49

My xmil was a nightmare, so I do feel for those in a similar position. However, I'm sorry to say I find you a bit controlling and simultaneously a bit wet. She isn't doing anything wrong yet you are trying to turn her son against her. And as for the 'disrespecting? Anyone who says this deserves no respect, it's something trotted out by people who are overly entitled and precious.

itsbritneybiatch · 23/06/2018 20:55

@infinitesheldon

Agree totally. You have come across as very mean and controlling here.

QuoadUltra · 23/06/2018 21:00

You are being unfair. She has done nothing wrong.

Is there any chance that this is a displacement/distancing reaction that you are having to not having a mum around?

Tbh, she has got a tough line to tread - it is difficult for her to k is the right amount of input and support to give. She is learning to be your MiL after all.

Do not be rude or do anything you will want to take back. MIL/Grandparents may be jolly useful in the future...

thethoughtfox · 23/06/2018 21:03

TBF OP, you do sound really angry and perhaps too harsh. In what possible way can it be 'disrespectful' to you that a mother has been collecting ideas for her child's wedding?

mando12345 · 23/06/2018 21:20

Sorry OP how is it disrespectful that your MIL has a pinterest board about your wedding?

seven201 · 23/06/2018 21:21

I think you've turned bridezilla very early on. I also accidentally found that my MIL had a wedding pinterest board about all things wedding. I was a bit Hmm at first then decided it didn't matter and actually she never mentioned it. She did keep trying to give suggestions of things that were really not our taste but was fine each time I politely said we'd already got a plan for that particular thing. I did get her involved in one task to make her feel a little included. My own mum was terminally ill during our engagement/wedding day and was not really 'with it' and not involved in planning at all. I don't like my MIL, although she's not a bad person, just not my kind of person and quite manipulative at times. I'm just saying that as I know it's hard to have a MIL you don't gel with when you don't have your own Mum. But your MIL is excited about her DH's and your day. She's not been overbearing and telling you you can't do certain things. She just has a Pinterest board. You should be pleased she's excited and not indifferent.

MMmomDD · 23/06/2018 21:21

OP -
I feel sorry for your fiancé. He went from a (possibly, but not proven) controlling mother to a defientely controlling future wife.
Who makes decisions for him and calls it ‘opening his eyes’....

There isn’t anything wrong with a son paying some of mom’s bills - all depends on circumstances. And it’s his money. And - if he wanted to stop - it had to be HIS decision.

And his mother, can of course be excited and make all the wedding boards she wants. It’s not like she has asked you to use them, did she?

OP - you can, if course, continue to be this way with him for a while. You are young and it’s yearly days in the relationship lifecycle. But eventually - it’ll come back to bite you.

mehimthem · 23/06/2018 21:54

I feel sorry for your fiance too - this is his Mum that youre disliking who helped shape him into your DH to be.

And should you ever have sons in the future will you be happy if these boys future partners/wives disrepect you so much that they wont want your sons to visit you, help out, pay a bill or two if youre short of funds as you get older. Life is a circle & the children we have should of course become adults, make new relationships but respect &help parents if they can (circumstances for everyone I understand are different, but this is a general idea)

Newsofas · 23/06/2018 22:29

Op, my mum died when I was in my early 20s so I can understand the sadness you are feeling. But, I’m now in my 50s, please give your MIL a chance. I appreciate she isn’t your mum but ultimately she loves her son and wants him to be happy. And if you make him happy she will be there for you. I’m a mum of two teenage boys. It saddens me to read the MIL posts on MN. You know I’m starting to think it would be easier if they are gay and then I won’t have to deal with DILs. We are human. We want the best for our sons. I agree men are lazy. I am trying to make my boys better. My oldest can now iron 😄😄😄😄😄

ladymariner · 23/06/2018 23:52

Are you even old enough to get married, you sound so bloody childish. And how much of a bitch do you have to be to tell your partners mother she's having nothing to do with your wedding? Grow the fuck up before your partner realises he's about to make a monumental error and ditches you for someone with a bit of kindness in them.

Aridane · 24/06/2018 00:17

Not nice, OP, not nice

PrizeOik · 24/06/2018 00:22

Come on op. This is a non issue.