Is this gas lighting?

[largegin]

Sitting in the garden minding my own business... DH mentions about all the apples in the garden and that someone he knows told him about a place that collects the apples for you to make juice and gives you some for free as payment. You may be wondering what the problem is? Basically I've already told him about this place twice and he's trying to make out that I haven't and he doesn't know what I'm talking about. So, I'm pd off because I said he never listens and I've already told him that twice. Cue an argument where I end up getting made out to be unreasonable and always causing trouble when I was just sitting, enjoying the sun minding my own business. This happens a lot and always ends the same way. I really feel he does it on purpose to wind me up. Am I imagining this? I'm so pd off.

Is he always that forgetful? Does he forget other things, like where he's put stuff?
It sounds more like he has a memory problem than anything more sinister.

Ask him who told him that info in the first place.

No he doesn't always forget stuff just his type of scenario. I know the person who supposedly told him and said I would ask her exactly where is it when I see her and he hurriedly said "oh She doesn't know where it is" like he didn't want me to ask her... I know this sounds weird but it happens a lot. I really feel like he likes to cause trouble, wind me up and then call me unreasonable.

An apple hurled at just the right speed and angle would sort the fucker right out imo.

April! 🤣 Op go with your gut feeling, but don’t validate him. Tell him you mentioned it, when he’s says no just smile and walk away. Refuse to discuss further

April 😂🤕

Just call him on it! What's the problem? Will he get mad and call you a liar or something? Do you have other good examples, OP? Sounds infuriating if so - But surely honesty is the best policy if he does this a lot? Like is he even aware he's doing it?!?

What's wrong with saying, "Oy I told you that" and then mentioning local nursing homes when he denies it?

I really wish I had written all this stuff down, happens a lot. Drives me crazy and makes it look like I'm a right trouble maker when it's not even me that starts it. Always him and always ends up with him kicking off, shouting and making out I'm off my head. I get so pd off because it happens a lot and he innocently acts like he doesn't have a clue what i am talking about. I'm going to ask the lady he said told him next week. I am so keen to ask her because I really think he has made up that she told him about this place lost as an excuse to cause trouble. When I said I will confirm with her where this place is he got all cagey and started back tracking saying she doesn't know where it is?!! Head f*c^

April 😂

No i don’t think it is

But very telling re the state of your marriage that you think a possibility.

Op who is this woman he says told him about it?

Having experienced real gaslighting I wouldn't call it gaslighting. That doesn't mean he's not doing it to wind you up though.

Yes, it's gaslighting.

What would happen if you just replied with something like, “Oh, that’s interesting.”? Basically responding but not engaging with the possible mind fuck? I wonder whether his response might reveal his true motive...

It is gaslighting.

It doesn't matter what the scenario is as it has the same effect..to try and wear you down and get you to doubt your own sanity.

The problem is, is it's not having the desired effect and is making you think he's a twat, but it's still wearing you down, in the process!

What would happen if you went along with it, and didn't pull him up on it?

I have tried going along with it before and he looked a bit confused. I ignored him and carried on doing what I was doing and he started trying to bring it up again as he thought I hadn't heard him. My head is battered because I really didn't want it to be true but I really feel strongly that he's trying to get me to react so he can accuse me of being crazy.

I believe you, OP - but what do you think he's gaining out of this behaviour? It's very odd!

believe you, OP - but what do you think he's gaining out of this behaviour? It's very odd!

In my opinion, I think it is so he can verbally abuse her, with a 'justified' reason.

If he just started calling her crazy, he would sound the crazy one.

Yep he sounds a bit nasty/sick...

I’ve had this exact same scenario with my DH.
He says someone told me blah blah and I say, yes it was me, I told you last week.
He says Oh ok, I’d forgotten it was you.
No screaming, argument, no telling me I’m crazy.
Your DH seems to enjoy winding you up and telling you you’re crazy.
April’s solution sounds good to me, an apple to the head might work😉

I think @namechangedname is right. My DH & friends occasionally tell me a story/fact that I actually told them (& vice versa) but we just laugh it off. No one thinks for a moment that they’re crazy or the subject of mind games. There’s obviously much more going on between you too

Yes I think he does enjoy winding me up but it's no fun for me. The reason I think he's doing it on purpose is because it happens a lot. It's he way he acts when it happens, it just feels wrong. I wouldn't feel his way if it was anyone else, just him. He ends up shouting and verbally attacking me and adding loads of made up stuff on top. He was shouting all kinds around the garden today. If the neighbours are going to think what he says is true and it's absolutely not. I do actually feel like I'm losing it.

large your posts resonate so much. its tempting to want to give it a name or label so that you can understand the motivation for a behaviour.

the thing is, as others have pointed out, misunderstandings get laughed at with everyone else apart from my ex. Hes a pathological spoofer who tried to be the big I am in EVERY situation. its draining and symptomatic (in his case) of much bigger issues.

i can only echo others calls that you basically ignore, go grey-rock and see how this is received. Its stuff of nightmares to be in the middle of such a toxic environment. I completely understand.

I do actually feel like I'm losing it.

Things can't stay the same. You need to think of yourself and your mental well-being.

So, what's the solution for you??

Because you know that, more than likely, he will never admit that he's done this to wind you up, so he can mentally abuse you.