Is this gas lighting?

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Sitting in the garden minding my own business... DH mentions about all the apples in the garden and that someone he knows told him about a place that collects the apples for you to make juice and gives you some for free as payment. You may be wondering what the problem is? Basically I've already told him about this place twice and he's trying to make out that I haven't and he doesn't know what I'm talking about. So, I'm pd off because I said he never listens and I've already told him that twice. Cue an argument where I end up getting made out to be unreasonable and always causing trouble when I was just sitting, enjoying the sun minding my own business. This happens a lot and always ends the same way. I really feel he does it on purpose to wind me up. Am I imagining this? I'm so pd off.

It sounds unbearable, OP. I think pp are right, he is enjoying shouting at you but blaming you for it.

Do you have kids? It's probable he will do the same to them.

I would give the fucker a taste of his own medicine (i.e. tell him stuff he has told you) and then LTB.

Use your gut. If it's pure forgetfulness that's not gas lighting.

If he's definitely aware (in your view) that you said these things and denies it, then it's gaslighting.

It makes you feel like you're fucking crazy.

Still go through it with my ex. Even with texts written in black and white and he denies. I screenshot, he denies intention etc.

Can't win!

I don’t think it’s gaslighting.
I do think you do have some issues in your relationship and and these arguments stem from that.

My H often ‘forgets’ about something i’ve told him about, or that we agreed about somthing - normally it’s about minor insignificant things that his mind just doesn’t register - my best guess.
I also seem to forget about similar things he had told me - or so he says. As I don’t remember forgetting - I have to take his world for it. 😂🤷🏻‍♀️....
We both have busy lives with lots of stuff going on. And some things - who said what - slips our minds.

So - OP - either your H is having an early onset memory loss, or just distrusted attention -
Or
You and him have some power struggles and proving something - and arguing over and over - is important

MMmomDD

Does your DH also kick off at you, shout at you, make out that you're crazy, shout at you in the garden and invent stuff that yiu've supposedly said?

You are erroneously comparing your situation with OP's and causing doubt. Yours is different.

@Shumpalumpa

I am not comparing to cause doubt.
I am just saying - there are other issues and the arguments aren’t about forgetting something.

On OP’s side - it’s a need to prove something. Possibly that he isn’t paying enough attention; doesn’t listen, doesn’t care about her..
She can’t really care that much about the apple processing, no one does.

As to her H. I don’t know.
Part of me wonders if he has something going on medically. Often confusion and memory problems are associated with irritability. And lashing out can be a way to deny that there is an issue.

Or - he is using these arguments as some sort of way to get back to her for something.

Anyway - it’s hard to really say from one post. Couples that have been together and unhappy for a while a often have these arguments that seem important to them but are impossible to understand for anyone outside of the relationship. And they are usually a symptom, not a cause of the problem

disgusting comment been reported
April’s solution sounds good to me, an apple to the head might work😉

should never resort to violence mnhq should remove immediately

Does he have this problem with anyone else or just you?
Could it be memory problems and related frustration / anger such as in dementia onset ? What age is he ?
Are there any other problems in the relationship?

Part of me wonders if he has something going on medically. Often confusion and memory problems are associated with irritability. And lashing out can be a way to deny that there is an issue.

Why do abussive men always have women falling over themselves to minimise their actions and diagnose mental health problems? Nothing about the OPs post gives any indication that he has MH issues.

themoon it was clearly a joke, no need for such a reaction. I’m sure you see far worse on tv, or even in cartoons.

He sounds like a bully OP. If you are miserable in the relationship then you don’t have to stay. You say he’s making you feel like you are losing it. That’s not normal at all.

My husband does this all the time. It's not gaslighting. It's him being an ignorant, self absorbed twat who can't be arsed to pay attention half the time. To compare it to gaslighting puts a mockery on women who do genuinely experience it and feel like they're going mad.

Maybe he just subconsciously remembered and couldn't remember where he heard it. Maybe he was just trying to be funny in telling you something you've already told him...twice. Maybe it doesn't matter because it's bloody Apple juice and he got in a mood because you were making such a big deal out of it?

I think you are married to my ex OP! He did this exact same thing. Would start an argument because he loved to wind me up, but then would laugh and say I was crazy. His favourite phrase was "I don't know what you are talking about".
I really think this is gaslighting but even now I struggle to pin down exactly what he was doing (and why).

To compare it to gaslighting puts a mockery on women who do genuinely experience it and feel like they're going mad.

She has said, more or less, that she feels like she's going mad.

I have men do this repeatedly. Tell them about something and it's like ok yeah and then a week or two later they say oh John told me about X and I'm going to try it. and you're thinking like wtf I just mentioned that a week ago and they dismissed me saying it was a bad idea.

So then if I do say, I told you that last week and he'll be like no you didn't. I don't even bother with it anymore. It's annoying so I either don't share my ideas or share them with someone who actually listens.

It’s not gaslighting. He doesn’t listen to you when you speak.

The next few times you tell him something specific that you think he might repeat back to you at a later point, could you write it down somewhere that you told him such-and-such on X time and date? Then when he starts kicking off you can immediately retrieve your notebook (quickly enough so he can't accuse you of adding the info there and then - maybe alternate pen colours for each entry) and prove to him he's talking bollocks and demand a full apology. If he doesn't acknowledge his "mistake" you'll be in no doubt that his actions are deliberate and you can take action accordingly. personally I'd LTB anyway

The point of gaslighting is to make them question themselves to the point of self doubt and feeling crap.

The fact he is clearly doing that despite OP reminding him it was her that told him, and then back tracking when she calls him out, and THEN uses it as a gateway to verbally abuse her and tell her she's crazy...

THAT IS GASLIGHTING

Op, it's gaslighting. The fact that it's something so trivial as apples and apple juice is why people cant seem to see it ... and it's what's making it gaslighting. You think you're going mad, other people think you're making a fuss over nothing... win-win for him.

I'd get out of I was you. Honestly.

It’s not gaslighting. He doesn’t listen to you when you speak.

By what the OP is saying, he is deliberately making up stories he knows not to be true.

When the OP challenges said stories, he becomes verbally abusive and tells her she's going mad.

In his head, he has a sound reason to be angry at OP. His reasoning is that she is making things up and so, therefore, must be going 'mad'. He, therefore, verbally abuses her and questions her sanity. To wear her down.

This behaviour is sending OP mad, and it is wearing her down, so it is having its desired effect.

That is gaslighting.

I know he heard what I said originally because he responded and we had a conversation. He's all back to normal today after ignoring each other all night and him popping a small bunch of flowers and a "sorry" to me. He's merrily laughing with dc and told me he knows I'm never going to forgive him and that I never forgive and move on. It's sickening really really sickening. Like I'm the one in the wrong now when I've done absolutely nothing. This happens all the time and I'm expected to just forget about it after I've been head fkd and shouted at.

I second the 'oh, that's interesting' suggested upthread, whenever he does it. And the notebook idea - you'll probably remember when you told him (roughly) so you can note the happenings down without trying to keep a log of everything you tell him, which isn't feasible. Stopping reacting is probably the best way to approach this - and see what happens then.
Does he try to wind you up in other ways, too? Is it all just sport to him, at your expense?

It sounds like a horrible relationship tbh to be the constant source of his amusement, it's belittling.

The verbally abusive relationship book by Patricia Evans is worth reading...there is an incident just like this.

The post argument kindness to dc is also familiar with the low level smearing ccampaign.

Do keep a journal of all these incidents and you will get a better picture.
The issue is not you but jim.

Does he have to be right? But accuse you of having to be right?

Thank you for your responses I really appreciate it. I will start to keep a note. I did do that some time ago but deleted everything when seemingly going through a short "good patch". There are so many similar instances but for some reason I have trouble remembering all the details. I felt awful all last night and today and he's larking about with dc. I am going to start taking notes and not reacting to any attempts to wind me up. I have a feeling he's very passive aggressive until he finally loses it. But he can be so nice, I imagine thats all part and parcel. I'm not expert, could it be a control thing.

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My ex was like this...bebave dreadfully, then state "we are where we are" in this breezy tone. Ugh.

He would get at me for not being over things, too. Including out sexless marriage. The fact that he said some zhitty things to me is almost by the by...it was the total lack of interest in putting things right with me, that was the problem. He chose to view me as the one with the unforgiving, long, negative memory.

Spike his guns. The next time it happens, smile sweetly and say, "Now I don't want you to worry but I am going to arrange an appointment with the GP to investigate for early on set dementia..."