Passive vs aggressive parenting

[greatbighillofhope]

We have 2 dc, one has autism and adhd. I guess if we were just parenting the one NT child these issues wouldn’t crop up so much, but autism and adhd both present a LOT of extra parenting challenges. dh and I have always had very differing styles- he goes from one extreme of being silly and clown-like to being authoritarian Victorian father, passing ‘because I said so’ type edicts. By contrast, I am generally very steady but have a huge problem in setting boundaries and am easily manipulated. 90% of the time I feel I have to acquiesce to dh’s rules just because he shouts the loudest. The only time I put my foot down is when I am scared things will escalate.
Today dc2’s teacher told me that dc2 is working on assertive communication at school. He’s doing well with the theory in lessons but struggling to apply it in real life. In practice he either bottles his feelings up or explodes (sometimes one then the other). It seemed so obvious to me that dh and I are modelling only those two options for expressing yourself and never, ever modelling assertive communication. So, I thought to myself, why don’t we have a family project where we all try to support one another to communicate assertively. I printed some child friendly activity sheets out to discuss with dh but was pretty much immediately shouted down. I was annoyed, particularly because I asked him what it was about what I had suggested that he didn’t like, but he hadn’t listened long enough to even understand what I was suggesting so couldn’t answer!!! He said that I was always starting on ‘projects’ and why couldn’t I just accept things as they were. We haven’t really spoken for the rest of the evening.
So, already I’ve failed at the first hurdle, I can’t even assert myself enough to have an conversation about assertiveness.

Just crack on and let your husband batter your disabled kids. I mean why would you stop? You’ve allowed it this long

Stop it.

Thank you. I want to get out of this and I’m trying so hard to do it. I feel like I’m wading through treacle with it. It is all a big fucked up mess.

@greatbighillofhope it sounds like both your DH and your mum have been gaslighting you.

You know what needs to happen, for you and for your children. Have you contacted women’s aid? They can help with practical advice.

Just to be clear, he has never battered anyone, he has smacked the dc a few times, which is unacceptable to me, although many people would not think it unreasonable given the circumstances.

“I just wish I had never existed”

Oh, OP

It’s not you, it’s them.

You’ve done brilliantly to find healthy communication strategies, but unfortunately the people around you - your husband, mum, others? - don’t respond well because they are abusive, toxic, dysfunctional, whatever you want to call it. That’s their fault, not yours. You feel crap because you keep trying to please them but you can’t, and it’s at the expense not only of your own well being but that of your children too.

Have you come across the Stately Homes thread? I suggest you check it out and read “Toxic Parents” which is very good.

You could also read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft for insights into your husband’s behaviour.

@XXXTentacion first of all, one child is diagnosed.

Secondly, nobody is condoning his behaviour at all. But OP has spent her life being spoken to like shit and shouted down by people. You’re just another voice telling her how shit she is, which is unfair and unnecessary.

So unless you’ve got something positive to contribute, you’re just another abuser.

Leaving or staying with dh is almost beside the point to me in a way. The point is that this issue confronts me in my relationships with every single person I interact with including family, friends and co-workers. I can’t leave the world (I can, and have considered it, but assuming that I don’t) this issue will continue to reoccur if I don’t change the way I think about myself. How the fuck do I do that if everything I’ve tried so far hasn’t worked? I have put countless hours and endless energy into changing but still I find myself stuck.

You’re stuck because you’re still with “D”H. If you ended the marriage you’d make much better progress.

You’ve fallen into the trap of blaming yourself. Please listen to us.

Emma, thank you I have read toxic parents and Lundy Bancroft. I understand everything intellectually but can’t stop using my old survival strategy of trying to support and be kind to everyone around me and never ask anything from anyone ever.

@XXXTentacion oh get off your fucking high horse will you? I’m autistic, my children are autistic, I know fine the implications of what he is doing.

But by being yet another person bawling and shouting and attacking OP what changes? It shows her that that is all she is worth so they must be right.

So I’m trying to speak to her properly, and acknowledging how hard this is for her and for her children and trying to unpick the emotional damage done by the husband and her mother. Because that is the only way she will feel that she is worth anything.

You just want to shout and attack, how does that make you different to him?

greatbig I’m sorry for talking about you as if you’re not here.

I do think you need to leave your marriage, but I just don’t think that being one more person piling in aggressively is helpful to you or your children. You do need to get them to a place of safety (physical and emotional) ASAP though.

Oh fuck off. Telling me I condone the abuse of children when you’ve just attacked an abused wife?

It is you who is abusive, perhaps that’s why you chose your username? He was fond of being an abuser too. You share that in common.

Thanks for the I’ll get the kettle on

Thank you unicorns. I had written a reply to tentacion myself but deleted it as I couldn’t bring myself to post it. How strange.
Tentacion’s response is actually exactly like the abuse I have been subjected to my whole life. Taking what I say and twisting it into a stick to beat me with. The perfect weapon.

What would you call attacking a vulnerable woman?

No need to worry about my kids, they’re just fine. Because with the right support and help I was able to leave my abusive marriage.

You know the square root of fuck all about the impact of abuse, about autistic children, or actually even reading a thread properly.

You’re a screwball, and you need a cup of tea and a lie down,

@greatbighillofhope I’m glad I didn’t upset you by talking over your head. I just wasn’t happy with xxx’s repeated and unnecessary attacks.

I know what you mean, it fries your brain to the point you don’t know which way is up doesn’t it?

Have you come across the Freedom Programme OP? They’re well worth looking up and are really helping at deconstructing types of abuse and how to combat it.

What kind would that be then?

Now you have revealed yourself there tentacion. For all of your talk of defending the weak and vulnerable you say that- just wow. You are a very nasty person.

I’m ignoring the derail as I think (hope) most of the nasty posts will be deleted.

OP if you’ve read the books and still haven’t managed to change I think you need to find yourself a really good therapist. And I do think you should call Women’s Aid and NSPCC and talk to them about the impact of your husband’s abuse on you and your children. Hopefully that will give you the support and motivation you need to do something about it.

It’s not helpful to blame you when there’s clearly a lot going on but you do have a duty to protect your children - no one else is going to.

Thank you OP

You deserve to be defended in the way you’ve just jumped to my defence too. You are worth it, and you do matter.