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Original poster

Married with a boyfriend, How to end it.

78 replies

amylou1991 · 22/06/2018 22:10

Im 27 I have been married 2 years together for 8, me and hubby were going through a really bad patch 5 months ago, I feel for a guy at work (i have never done anything like this before) i got strong feelings for him.

Hubby moved away to work and i would see him a few days out of the week, I told the other man it was over, i have been in a relationship with him for 4 months, Neither of them are aware of this.
I need to end things With him I know i can not leave my hubby.

The other man has really let me in, he has such strong feelings and i have not helped with telling him i feel the same. I love them both but hubby a bit more,

I will have to deal with the guilt of what i have done forever but how can i end it with the other man with out hurting him. He deserves so much better, they both do. But i can let my hubby go.

OP posts:
Original poster
amylou1991 · 23/06/2018 15:13

The rough patch we went through was me finally being feed up for carrying him and paying for everything and coming in from work to see him him being miserable and still on his game console, A lot of other things. I completely lost myself and found the OH at a extremely low point in my life. My husband know i went on a date with this man but that is all!
He moved away to finally find work and i see him every week or so, We have both decided to move to spain at the end of next month for a fresh start, I dont want to tell him and lose my best friend, I have sorted my mind out I needed this space and possibly needed to risk it all to relies how much I adore my hubby.

I have been a awful person playing them both a long, I am to afraid of hurting peoples feelings I know i need to but i cant let either of them know or think they meant nothing to me, I needed the other man to wake me up. I have been extremely selfish for the first time in my life.
I know need to repair it.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 23/06/2018 15:17

I dont want to tell him and lose my best friend

It’s not about you or what you want. But you still won’t tell will you? I find myself sincerely hoping someone tells both of them exactly what you’ve been up to.

Original poster
amylou1991 · 23/06/2018 15:27

I completely deserve that to happen.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 23/06/2018 15:28

Yes, you do.

SoddingUnicorns · 23/06/2018 15:29

They don’t though, these two men who are tied up in your little fantasy life.

They deserve to hear the truth, from you.

Teateaandmoretea · 23/06/2018 15:39

I have been extremely selfish for the first time in my life.

really? I have never cheated and have been with dh 20 years but have been selfish loads in my life it's called being human and flawed.

My opinion is there is a hell of a lot of judgement on this thread. Yes, what you've done isn't great but you aren't a serious criminal either. We are a mixture of good and bad the perfection that is bleated about on here is 🙄. People both male and female cheat, relationships break down, one person sometimes isn't happy while the other is - that's life.

I always am absolutely of the opinion though that when I do something wrong the first step to putting things right is to be honest about my mistake whatever it is. That is what you need to do, so your DH can make his decision whether he still wants to be with you.

TisNowt · 23/06/2018 17:34

Whatever you do don’t have a child anytime soon as it would be very unfair to a hold to be brought into this while all this is so recent. You both sound too immature.

BTW However annoying your husband was/is nothing gives anyone the right to lie and cheat. It would be reasonable to split up with him because you don’t like his behaviour but it’s never ok to lie and cheat behind his back.

serialcheat · 23/06/2018 18:45

Wouldn't it be sweet poetic justice, if while your husband was working away, he was also playing away, ( So to speak ),and decided to take his new lady to Spain, start a new and wonderful life with her and dropped you like a fat turd.....

SoddingUnicorns · 23/06/2018 19:01

My opinion is there is a hell of a lot of judgement on this thread

From people who have presumably managed not to have sex with people other than their partner, or those who have had their world blown apart by a cheat.

Hardly virtue signalling is it?

Teateaandmoretea · 23/06/2018 20:33

OK unicorns. I'm sure you are completely perfect Wink

SoddingUnicorns · 23/06/2018 20:36

Nope, I fuck up. A lot. I’m cranky, grumpy, sharper than I should be sometimes and selfish at times. I don’t always do what I should and I’m opinionated, especially with politics or disabled rights.

What I am absolutely not is someone who plays games with someone’s life because I fancy a fuck and then make it all about me.

That’s a choice, and a deliberate one at that. Cheating is despicable, especially in this situation, OP has strung along two men, lying to both for months and is now after sympathy? And you're buying her “poor me” act Confused more fool you.

Namechangedname · 23/06/2018 21:18

Unicorns are is right.

Teateaandmoretea · 23/06/2018 21:24

Nope, I'm not at all, life is grey. Cheating is wrong no one has said otherwise but the judginess about it is OTT.

Teateaandmoretea · 23/06/2018 21:25

It's not about sympathy, she needs to sort it out and face up to it. Berating her helps absolutely no one at all.

SoddingUnicorns · 23/06/2018 21:42

@Teateaandmoretea happy enough to judge me and throw snidey little digs though eh?

Hypocrisy in action. Away and chase yourself, you’d rather judge someone than be straight with someone with the morals of an alley cat. Says an awful lot about your own morals doesn’t it?

Teateaandmoretea · 23/06/2018 22:35

Oh whatever you say unicorn you are now desperate to judge me as well as the OP Grin. Fill your boots I reckon but judging others doesn't make you perfect either.

SoddingUnicorns · 23/06/2018 22:48

Never claimed to be, I am far from perfect, flawed.

What I am not is a disloyal, selfish liar.

For all my faults, and there are many, I can live with that.

Why are you so keen to defend it?

Raven88 · 23/06/2018 22:57

I would be honest with your DH and let him choose if he stays with you. He deserves someone who is loyal and who won't run off because things get tough. What else was he meant to do.

Does he have family in Spain? Because moving is going to isolate him if he doesn't. If you hide it you are building the rest of your marriage on a lie.

ferando81 · 23/06/2018 23:20

Your husband is living in a fake relationship.He thinks he has a faithful wife who stood by him when times were hard.
The easy option is not to tell him ;but is it the right option-only you can judge that.

ILoveDolly · 24/06/2018 00:12

For all those saying double standards: if my husband cheated but decided to stay with me and ditch his girlfriend, I'd prefer to remain happily in the dark and for him to absorb the guilt of his past actions. All this nonsense about telling the truth and seeing what happens comes from a deeply voyeuristic East Enders place. Real people dont forgive and forget. If she wants to stay happily married to this bloke then no, telling him he's a cuckold won't solve anything.

Nellia · 24/06/2018 08:31

Those saying theyd prefere not to know fasinate me.
So essentially you would prefer to carry on sleeping with someone who regularly fucks someone else turning what you think you have with them into nothing but an empty shell where they regularly put you at risk of contracting an std.
Where the emotional connection you believe you have with them is about as deep as the ones had by characters in eastenders who are at least paid to fake it.
Where one day you may find everyone you know pitying you behind your back for being so gulliable.
Really really thats the life you d prefer!!!

SoddingUnicorns · 24/06/2018 08:40

@ILoveDolly shouldn’t he get the choice? It’s not about if she wants to stay married, she forfeited that right when she cheated.

It’s not Eastenders at all well maybe the cheating is, it’s about not making someone live a lie because you’re gutless and have no morals.

If DP cheated, it would be over, no question. But I’d have the right to make that choice.

NerrSnerr · 24/06/2018 08:47

I'd prefer to remain happily in the dark and for him to absorb the guilt of his past actions
Until you start itching and realised he's given you chlamydia (or you find out after feeling unwell for a while you have HIV). Better to be in the dark?

numptynuts · 24/06/2018 09:13

Tell Husband
Tell Boyfriend

Then sort yourself out and figure why you're doing this. Alone.

HungerOfThePine · 24/06/2018 09:57

The terms is have you your cake and eat it, you deliberately lied to om to get into a relationship with him and deceived your dh. I doubt you are afraid of them thinking they weren't important to you, if it was me I'd be afraid of losing everything.

I don't bang the monogamy drum but yes you are beyond selfish you can lie your way out if you like but it's you that's going to have to live with it and whatever the consequences will be when they eventually arrive will be all on you.