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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married with a boyfriend, How to end it.

78 replies

amylou1991 · 22/06/2018 22:10

Im 27 I have been married 2 years together for 8, me and hubby were going through a really bad patch 5 months ago, I feel for a guy at work (i have never done anything like this before) i got strong feelings for him.

Hubby moved away to work and i would see him a few days out of the week, I told the other man it was over, i have been in a relationship with him for 4 months, Neither of them are aware of this.
I need to end things With him I know i can not leave my hubby.

The other man has really let me in, he has such strong feelings and i have not helped with telling him i feel the same. I love them both but hubby a bit more,

I will have to deal with the guilt of what i have done forever but how can i end it with the other man with out hurting him. He deserves so much better, they both do. But i can let my hubby go.

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 23/06/2018 08:34

ffs aren't your DH feelings more important than a few month shagfest?

or are you really afraid if you end it, he will tell your DH?

Just put a stop to the nonsense immediately. Tell the AP to piss off.

I could possibly see not telling your DH if this was a one off drunken ONS that never happened or would happen again but this was a full blown affair. It's rather selfish to take away his right to be informed and his right to choose for his life.

squiglet111 · 23/06/2018 08:37

Wow. Shocked at the double standards. If the poster was a man saying he had cheated on his wife and has a girlfriend on the side then op would be ripped to shreds! Shocking!

You op have really messed up here. You have led this guy on and let him believe you are single and he thinks that you love him as much as he loves you. There is no way that you won't hurt him when the truth comes out. What a terrible thing to do. You need to come clean to both and suffer the consequences. I don't see you getting away with this. Once your boyf finds out the truth and finds out you want to stay in your marriage do you trust him to not tell your husband? He won't owe you anything and would probably be feeling very betrayed.

Babyblues052 · 23/06/2018 08:39

What glorious double standards there are here on MN.

Yep have to say I agree!!

Do the decent thing stop being so self absorbed and selfish and end it with both of them, what you're doing disgusts me! It's not like you had a one night stand you deliberately started a whole other relationship!!! It's shocking.

I hope they both find out and both tell you to gtf! The both deserve more than you

TisNowt · 23/06/2018 08:53

Tell them both. Maybe end the marriage- you can't love or respect your husband very much if you have an affair - especially so soon into the marriage.

AgentJohnson · 23/06/2018 09:03

Oh you poor love, what a dilemma. There's nothing special about your decisions to lie and cheat towards men you supposedly love. You can leave either or both of these men but instead, you keep choosing not to.

Guilt my arse, you haven't broken up with the OM (you use the term bf to somehow legitimise your extra marital hook up) because you like the attention and don't know how to extract yourself without being seen as the bad guy.

If your behaviour doesn't truly reflect who you are, then FFS, change it. You may indeed love your H but you don't respect him.

Mangoo · 23/06/2018 09:24

Posts like this make me so sad. I just couldn't do this to my DP. I could not live with the guilt and hurt I'd caused a man that I love and utterly respect.

And that's what it comes down to, respect. You just can't respect someone and then do this to them. It is soul destroying to be cheated on. Especially in something so deep as a marriage. I've seen it happen to my father and it was awful to watch. Now I love my mum for the relationship she has with me but I will never fully forgive her for the pain she caused my father.

Be truly selfless for once and tell him. He deserves to decide whether he wants to be with you not the other way around.

God I'm racked with guilt for the whole day if I have a dream I've kissed Tom Hardy never mind if I were having a full blown affair in real life!

Barbaro · 23/06/2018 11:15

I'm joining the group saying you need to tell your husband.

He deserves far better than an easy woman like you. You love him 'a bit' more than the other man? Dear God how horrible are you? He deserves someone who loves him and him only. What if he stays with you and suddenly you decide you want the other man again because you can't keep your legs closed?

Tell your husband. He can then decide if he wants a cheater for a wife or not. You can't make that choice for him. If you do, you're more horrible than I think already. Your poor husband feel so sorry for him.

Can't believe some women say don't tell him. Have you all had or have affairs too?

NerrSnerr · 23/06/2018 11:50

Oh you poor love

Really? Does the OP really deserve sympathy for fucking a man behind her husband's back?

AnyFucker · 23/06/2018 11:55

So more postscomplainingabout the double standard thanactually exhibitingthe double standard. Says a lot really.

Somebody who has actually RTFT. 👍

OliviaPopeRules · 23/06/2018 11:59

Really? Does the OP really deserve sympathy for fucking a man behind her husband's back?

Pretty sure it was meant sarcastically, maybe read the full post!

arghhhhhhh · 23/06/2018 12:02

@NerrSnerr read her whole post! She's been sarcastic.

No one should be giving this woman any sympathy. Interesting how many people are saying 'don't tell'. Yet when it's a man that's cheating, it's always a case of the wife deserves to know. Double standards???? Typical responses!

Of course her husband deserves to know! Doesn't matter if you are male/female....if you are being cheated on then you deserve to know exactly what the person you have committed your life too is doing behind your back.

Wether he chooses to stay or go is another story. I'd hope he would leave though. Especially after reading 'I love them both but hubby abit more'. Grow up op. You sound like my 12 year old step daughter!

No sympathy here incase you haven't guessed....

NerrSnerr · 23/06/2018 12:07

Sorry! It was sarcastic. I'm glad most people are mentioning the double standards as three out of the first four responses say don't tell.

SoddingUnicorns · 23/06/2018 12:14

Definite double standards!

BF hasn’t done anything wrong, you need to tell him the truth, apologise for how you’ve mucked him about and played with his feelings and then leave him alone.

Your husband deserves to know the truth and make up his own mind about what that means for your marriage. You don’t get to decide.

And while you’re at it OP take this as a lesson not to play selfish games messing with people’s lives.

brooke1989 · 23/06/2018 12:19

Honestly, if its end with the other guy and u truly want to save your marriage dont tell your husband. Whats the point in putting through the hurt when its over. Fair enough if it was still ongoing with the other guy. Protect your husband from your mistake and look forward. We ALL make mistakes x

SoddingUnicorns · 23/06/2018 12:20

Whats the point in putting through the hurt when its over

Seriously? Honesty, trust, not playing with his life? Actually doing the decent thing and letting him decide if he wants to stay with someone who shags around?

arghhhhhhh · 23/06/2018 12:23

@brooke1989 what's the point? marriage vows spring to mind....that's the point. Her husband doesn't need protecting! He needs honesty

SoddingUnicorns · 23/06/2018 12:32

We ALL make mistakes x

Aye, I forgot to buy milk the other day. I forgot to lock the car. They’re mistakes.

I’ve never slipped and fallen on to another man’s erect penis and then continued for months, lying to both men. That’s not a mistake, it’s a selfish, shitty choice.

Failingat40 · 23/06/2018 12:35

Why do you need to end it? Wink

If you and your dh have been going through a bad patch then he's now working away, I doubt very much he's being faithful anyway.

Of course technically you are wrong but the cynical side of me now says take it while you can get it Grin

Never trust that your partner or boyfriend would never cheat on you because the chances are they most likely would given the opportunity!

Men don't generally go round telling their girlfriends husbands what they've been up to, that's much more a scorned woman type of behaviour.

Speak to your boyfriend about your husband coming back into your life and how you want to keep a relationship going on the side. I'd imagine he'll be happy with the regular naughty sex and zero commitment.

arghhhhhhh · 23/06/2018 12:39

@Failingat40....no words

SoddingUnicorns · 23/06/2018 12:39

@Failingat40 moral bankruptcy is what sprang to mind reading that shite. Good grief.

PremierNaps · 23/06/2018 12:42

oO

I'm cheating on my wife = TELL HER!!
I'm cheating on my husband = Don't tell him, it will ruin everything.

You need to tell him OP. Face up to what you've done and tell him. You don't deserve either of them to be fair. However you need to let the boyfriend go and tell your husband what you've done, so he can make the informed choice to either leave you or stay with you and work it out. However you can't not tell him. If he found out from another source it would be 10x worse.

MamaMumMama · 23/06/2018 13:00

OP gosh have you got some home truths on here today 💐

Ask yourself why you were attracted to this man? What was the rough patch you went through? Do you think your marriage has perhaps run its course? Why have you not joined your husband wherever he is? Is the reason you can't leave because of financial reasons?

I don't think affairs are on, I don't think it's wise to go from one relationship to the next. You need to end it with the bf for starters. He knew you were married so it shouldn't come as much of a shock (unless you've been telling him you'll leave your dh for him). Even if you decided to leave your husband I don't think it would be a great idea to get with this man straight away.
Then you need to decide what you want. If you want to carry on with your husband I would think about the hurt you are going to cause by telling him, would he find out? Do any of your friends or family or work colleagues know about this? If so it is guaranteed to come out whether that's now or in a few years time so it would be best to come clean as it will bite you in the arse.
If not, can you live with it?

It's a tough one but if you acknowledge and regret what you've done maybe just maybe with the help of relate you could get through this. If my dh came to me and said this I would still get rid as I personally couldn't handle the betrayal.

Right now the ball is in your court, you've been slated but you're not the first and won't be the last person to have an affair, I wish you well- it's going to be a rough ride but self inflicted.

SoyDora · 23/06/2018 13:03

but how can i end it with the other man with out hurting him

You can’t. Whatever happens from here, someone is going to get hurt. That’s what happens when you cheat on people.

PinkHeart5914 · 23/06/2018 13:05

Your a cheat of course your dh has a right to know ffs. Maybe he wouldn’t want to stay with his cheating wife, nobody but him gets to make the decision.

What is it on here if a man cheats his the lowest of the low but if it’s the woman doing the cheating don’t tell your husband, mumsnet double standards in action

arghhhhhhh · 23/06/2018 13:13

I bet any money if you flick through the relationships board there will be a similar thread going on right now but with tole reversal ....the advice given will be the complete opposite to this. Wife deserves to know what a cheating bastard she's with etc etc. Just shows Mumsnet is mostly just useless advice really