I’m pregnant with my ex’s baby HELP

[Rocket94]

Hi,

I recently split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. He told me he just didn’t love me anymore and that there was a small chance he would change his mind once we spent some time apart. Anyway, we spent time apart and he had made the choice that the relationship wasn’t going to work. Obviously I was hurt by this because I do still love him a lot, it’s only been 11 days since he packed up his things and left. Despite this we ended things nicely and in terms where we could possibly be friends in the future.

For a while the smell of food had been making me heave, I was feeling exhausted all the time and my breasts were sore. So the other night I decided to do a couple of pregnancy tests just in case! They came back positive. I told my mum (I’m only 23) and she told me I should message my ex and let him know what was going on, so I text him this morning. He responded by calling me a liar and that if I was he wouldn’t want it (he always told me he wanted kids while we were together, it was me who didn’t). I sent him a photo of the positive tests and he accused me of finding them on the internet so I wrote my name and the date on the tests and sent him more photos and he then said even if I was pregnant it wouldn’t be his and said I probably cheated on him. I never cheated on him throughout our entire relationship, I thought I had found the love of my life, the person I was going to grow old with. I reassured him I hadn’t cheated and asked if we could have a grown up conversation about it and he basically said that was never going to happen and this wouldn’t change that we are broken up. I never expected this to make us get back together because I wouldn’t want to be with someone unless I knew they loved me, which he clearly doesn’t.

The test results came as a surprise to me, I was shocked and didn’t tell my mum until today so I could process it myself. I didn’t plan to be pregnant with a baby when my boyfriend has just left me! And that’s all he seems to think.

I understand he might just be freaking out a bit at the moment about it and I am expecting the worst. I’m planning on going to the hospital where they do early pregnancy scans, I’m roughly around 6 weeks and I’ve had 2-3 days of some spotting, so I want to make sure everything is ok pretty soon! I didn’t realise how much I actually wanted a baby until I saw those test results and it breaks my heart that he’s saying all these hurtful things to me. Should I invite him to the early pregnancy scan with me? Obviously I’m not going to tell him about it today because I think he needs some time to process what I told him this morning.

Firstly, congratulations! 💐

From your post it doesn't sound like he is going to be there for you throughout the pregnancy and onwards.

Of course you can offer to invite him to the scans etc but may be practical to accept the idea you will be doing this solo to prevent disappointment.

Grow up.

He is accusing you of being pregnant by another man. No you shouldn’t invite him to a scan. Have a bit of self respect.

I wouldn't. He clearly doesn't respect you, and has shown that. He has your number and various ways in which he could get in touch and show interest in his baby. He's in denial, he sounds like a child himself and probably wouldn't be very valuable in your child's life. But, you can leave the door open so that if he ever does get back in touch and wants a relationship with his child, you will support that.

I hope this doesn't sound cruel, as I know it's early days, but if these are his true colours then you are so much better off without. You sound like you really have your head screwed on, and I'm sure you will give this baby a great life.

So, I wanted to save this until the end: a huge congratulations on your pregnancy! Please don't let him ruin the magic of such a great experience. I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy and hope your spotting is just hormonal stuff and nothing to worry about

I don’t think it’s me that needs to grow up. I’m trying to be sensible about the situation I’m in. I’m 23 and he’s almost 28. I think your message is a little harsh.

I’m just trying to respect that maybe he’s just freaking out and that after thinking about it all he might decide he wants to come to the emergency early pregnancy scan. He was never this horrible to me throughout our whole relationship, which is why I’ve been so taken aback by it all!

I’m just trying to hope for the best and expecting the worst. If I don’t have his support, fine, but I would regret not letting him have that chance. My mum has already told me she thinks I’m strong enough to do this on my own and that I’ll have my family around me to support me.

*Grow up.

He is accusing you of being pregnant by another man. No you shouldn’t invite him to a scan. Have a bit of self respect.*

postymalone what a dickish thing to say. Op not at fault here her ex is.

Congrats op. Leave him to think about it. Is your mum supportive? You can do it without him.

@Postymalone yes that's exactly the kind of message this woman needs... (dont listen OP there is always one)

I think all you can do in this situation is let him know when scans etc are but prepare yourself to do this solo. I did it at age 19, dad wanted no involvement, i kept communication channels open, informed him of scan dates, labour, birth!! That's all I could have done, 14 years later and he still has no involvement but at least I know I tried my best.

Congratulations on the baby news and I hope the early scan goes well x

*Grow up! How unhelpful is that?
OP congrats on your happy news. Your ex is showing you how immature he is. Of course he may be in shock but that is no excuse for his spiteful reaction. You have done the right thing telling him. If he can’t be adult about it then all you can do is let him know scan dates, due date and that is it. The rest is up to him and you need to make yourself and the baby your priority and not him if he continues to be immature and negative.

I wouldn't invite him to an early pregnancy scan; they often have to do an internal scan and if there was a chance I was going to get bad news, I wouldn't want someone unsupportive there.

OP, I'd assume the worst in that he won't take any interest in a pregnancy or baby (he may have got with someone else during that time you had apart) and get on with things. You'll be ok

Finding out you are pregnant is great news to you, it isn't for him considering he had decided he didn't want a relationship with you which inevitably included no ties either, and certainly not a baby.

He is probably gutted as he now has to come to the realisation that he is going to be linked to you forever and he probably sees it as being trapped. Add to this that he must be wondering why you fell pregnant unless you told him you were not using any protection (unless of course he was the one using condoms and know he fell to do so at some point).

In the end, either he will come to terms with it and accept that becoming a dad is not so bad after all and maybe even come to love that baby very much, or he will decide that it's not his fault that you're pregnant, see it as your problem and will move on as he was planning to do.

If the former is to happen, it will only happen with time, so let him go through his own processing of the information and what is for him, at the moment, terrible news.

@postymalone Don’t be a twat!!

OP it’s your choice whether you try and involve him or not, however it’s his choice whether he grows up and gets involved or stays the immature little boy he is showing himself to be. You need to focus on yourself and your baby. Congratulations

i have to be honest and say he doesnt have to be a dad that his choice and he is entitled to it. women get all the say (which ofcourse is how it should be) but if he chooses not to be a dad thats also up up to him

You can do it alone honey. He sounds like someone who uses too much negative energy right now. Don't give him that energy. Either he will help you in tge future or not, he already has all the information that he needs right now. Don't try to think for him, he is grown up enough to do that if he wants to.

Your mum sounds very lovely and supportive, she might be a good partner to take with you to scans etc.

You'll be fine. So many women have done it alone, you're no different than them. Congratulations with your pregnancy

Congratulations OP, pregnancy is an amazing thing v and whilst you’re probably scared out of your wits right now and in shock it will get easier to accept.

A similar thing happened to me, my ex left, went to another woman and when that started to fall to shit he wanted to return to the life he had left and have a family with me.

I haven’t had him at any of my scans and whilst the first one was hard without him all others have been fine. You get to a place of acceptance but be patient with yourself and expect to be raging with hormones.

Please do reach out if I can help.

Congratulations!

I wouldn't bother inviting him to the early scan. Is your mum supportive? Take her.

From now on focus on you. I wouldn't expect anything from him.

He might think differently once he's got over the surprise, if he does he's got your contact info.

Take it from someone who knows. I would send my ex photos of our son, thinking it must be killing him not to see him every day. Wrong. He's not interested. That was a hard lesson to learn xxx

Firstly congratulations!

You sound like a strong woman with help in your mum. Ignore the haters on here. Look, it will be hard, I've been there, but it is your choice. He sounds like he is shocked and a little scared maybe? Like you? It is a massive step for you both but the rewards are many

Good luck with whatever you choose 🐣

You’ve told him now, so leave him to it and take care of yourself now. Take him out of the equation and plan for you and the baby. Anything else he contributes, be it emotionally, practically, or financially, consider a bonus (though he should contribute financially, whether he wants to or not).

Tell us your plans. Are you going to stay in the place you shared with him? How’s your job situation?

You really can do this, if it’s what you want

I think you're being incredible about everything especially as you're wanting to give him the option to be an adult!

I wouldn't invite him to the 6 week scan but would the 12 week scan as the news would have sunk in and he can then decide if he wishes to be a child or be a dad. But your giving him a chance for the sake of your sticky bean. If he screws that up or throws it in your face you can explain that you tried later in life which is important.

Try to avoid contacting him until you have a date give him a weeks notice and see. I may get shot down for this response but your already showing your thinking about your sticky bean rather than the hurt your actually going through at the moment which is an amazing brave and very mature attitude to have.

You need to focus on yourself and your baby.

This^

Stop worrying bout him and start realising you are in your own whether you like it or not. Stop. Chasing a he'll stop running.

I think you sound really mature and like you’re handling this amazingly.

I’m sorry that this is the path that’s lead to your baby, but congratulations on your pregnancy.

I became a single parent when I was 24 and my DS was 6 months, it was hard but so so worth it.

At the moment, I would leave him be. If he requests any information, give it to him, but bank on doing this totally alone. Get support from your mum, your friends.

When the baby is here, he might not want to be involved. Stick to clear boundaries, and make sure he pays his way.

Good luck, and congratulations.

Stop. Chasing a he'll stop running.

this aswell. men who dont want the baby tend to not bother with them. and even if he did i bet he will be constantly in and out. go into this knowing you will be a Lone parent.

@somuchunanswered well I haven’t got that many plans so far.

We lived with my parents in my family home, we had our own floor. My mum has told me I can stay here as long as I want. She grew up with parents who said they would throw her out if she got pregnant, which she did at 17. She doesn’t want me to feel like I have to leave, but obviously I would like to move out eventually!

I’ve actually had to speak to my boss today because I’m a club photographer and I won’t be able to work from 10 weeks onward, which isn’t that far away!

My gut is telling me I will be on my own, but I’m also feeling sorry for his family because they love their other grandchildren and I’m scared my ex will stop them having a relationship with our baby.

I’m absolutely heartbroken and the last thing I wanted was to be in this position where I’m carrying his baby, but it is what it is and yes, I could change it and get rid of the baby. But every part of me wants this baby, it’s crazy because I haven’t even had a scan and I feel like I love it!

I’m a bit scared about the early scan, because of the spotting because I’m sure my ex would be overjoyed if I had lost the baby. ☹️

You just need to ignore him for now. Your relationship with him is over and he has made it crystal clear what he thinks of you.

The most important things are you and the baby.

The scans are for you and the baby to make sure you are both safe and well. It may have been nice for him to be there however it is better for you and the baby that it is all stress free.

Once the baby is born you can inform him and claim child maintenance from him.

Expect him to argue and to have to do DNA tests to prove it is his.

Don't expect any more from him. Any extra is a bonus.

If you know his family, once the baby is here, you can let them know and if you want/are able invite them to be a part of their grandchild's life. He doesn't dictate what you can do.

Not the first dickish comment I've seen from @postymalone today🙄

OP just focus and take care of you, if he wants to apologise and work his arse off then he will and you can decide what you want

But for now, it's all about you and your pregnancy

Congratulations :)

He doesn't want to be a dad OP. You're hoping this is all going to turn around and be okay and while it was a bit harsh to tell you to grow up, I'm afraid I feel the same way. You're 23 and you live in your parents' basement and you're pregnant by a man who has dumped you and who has made it clear he doesn't want a baby. So you're on your own. Stop feeling sorry for him/his parents/etc and start thinking seriously about whether you want and are prepared to be a single parent - because that is the reality you're staring at. Start thinking about yourself and what you're going to do and stop focusing on him. He's gone. You might (if you're lucky), get some child maintenance out of him in the future, but that's it. Do you want to have a baby on your own? That's all you need to focus on right now.

I’m scared my ex will stop them having a relationship with our baby

You don't need him to arrange or take part on any other relationship