I’m pregnant with my ex’s baby HELP

[Rocket94]

Hi,

I recently split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. He told me he just didn’t love me anymore and that there was a small chance he would change his mind once we spent some time apart. Anyway, we spent time apart and he had made the choice that the relationship wasn’t going to work. Obviously I was hurt by this because I do still love him a lot, it’s only been 11 days since he packed up his things and left. Despite this we ended things nicely and in terms where we could possibly be friends in the future.

For a while the smell of food had been making me heave, I was feeling exhausted all the time and my breasts were sore. So the other night I decided to do a couple of pregnancy tests just in case! They came back positive. I told my mum (I’m only 23) and she told me I should message my ex and let him know what was going on, so I text him this morning. He responded by calling me a liar and that if I was he wouldn’t want it (he always told me he wanted kids while we were together, it was me who didn’t). I sent him a photo of the positive tests and he accused me of finding them on the internet so I wrote my name and the date on the tests and sent him more photos and he then said even if I was pregnant it wouldn’t be his and said I probably cheated on him. I never cheated on him throughout our entire relationship, I thought I had found the love of my life, the person I was going to grow old with. I reassured him I hadn’t cheated and asked if we could have a grown up conversation about it and he basically said that was never going to happen and this wouldn’t change that we are broken up. I never expected this to make us get back together because I wouldn’t want to be with someone unless I knew they loved me, which he clearly doesn’t.

The test results came as a surprise to me, I was shocked and didn’t tell my mum until today so I could process it myself. I didn’t plan to be pregnant with a baby when my boyfriend has just left me! And that’s all he seems to think.

I understand he might just be freaking out a bit at the moment about it and I am expecting the worst. I’m planning on going to the hospital where they do early pregnancy scans, I’m roughly around 6 weeks and I’ve had 2-3 days of some spotting, so I want to make sure everything is ok pretty soon! I didn’t realise how much I actually wanted a baby until I saw those test results and it breaks my heart that he’s saying all these hurtful things to me. Should I invite him to the early pregnancy scan with me? Obviously I’m not going to tell him about it today because I think he needs some time to process what I told him this morning.

Congrats on your pregnancy OP.

A simple message to him:

Following on from our convo the other day, I am pregnancy with your baby. We will be able to confirm this once the baby is born. In the meantime I respect that you no longer wish to be with me so the next time you hear from me will be to tell you when the 12 week scan is, which you are very welcome to attend if you wish to. My mother will also be coming with me.

Or something like that. Take control.

@Desmondo2016 yes yes yes! God I wish you were around to write my texts to XP 14 years ago!

On a practical level, what are your plans for when baby gets older? You may not be able to live at your mum's forever. Will you go back to your job? Does it pay enough? Babies are cheap but children and teenagers are not.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck!

I can relate to your situation a lot. I kept the baby and as much as I love her, it is so much more difficult being a single mum than I ever imagined. The dad had a similar response to you, I tried really hard to get him involved/interested and it was a total waste of time and just led to more pain in the long run. I also had a bit of hope about things suddenly turning around and ending happily ever after, or of us co-parenting despite his lack of interest, which never happened.

If you want your baby I would say cut emotional ties totally and have minimal contact. I regret pinning any hope on my ex turning into a good father. But think carefully about if it’s really what you want - a lifelong tie no matter which way you cut it - as experiencing the loneliness, housing and money difficulties of being a single mum and guilt of my child having such a poor father is hard. If I ended up in the same situation, I don’t think I could put myself through it again.

Good luck

Have you got to the bottom of why you shouted at him so much?

I'm doing domestic abuse training at the moment and constant or regular shouting is deemed abusive.

Does he trigger you or do things to frustrate you causing a negative reaction in you?

I went through a miscarriage and didn’t tell him while we were still together. I didn’t tell anyone. I think this led to me pushing him away and being annoyed and shouting about silly things like tidying up and cleaning if he didn’t do it after I asked him multiple times.

I was never nasty and shouted at him because I didn’t love him or because I hated him. I think it was all out of frustration and because I was hurting so much 😞 it was only in the last few months that I was shouting at him, I had never ever been like that with him before 😞

If this had happened 2 months ago and I had told him I was pregnant he would have been very supportive and it’s very upsetting to see this side to him.

No, no and no. The truth is, there are an awful lot of men who talk a good talk especially when it comes to having children knowing full well that they expect women to do the majority of the heavy lifting and society makes it very very easy to walk away with little recrimination.

Let go of the man he said he was and who you are desperate for him to be. If you keep this baby, you will most probably be a single parent and he will most probably get nastier in his desperation at not getting his own way.

I understand you wanting to include him but his behaviour a) doesn’t suggest that he wants to be and b) by trying, you leave yourself exposed to more of his nastiness.