I’m pregnant with my ex’s baby HELP

[Rocket94]

Hi,

I recently split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. He told me he just didn’t love me anymore and that there was a small chance he would change his mind once we spent some time apart. Anyway, we spent time apart and he had made the choice that the relationship wasn’t going to work. Obviously I was hurt by this because I do still love him a lot, it’s only been 11 days since he packed up his things and left. Despite this we ended things nicely and in terms where we could possibly be friends in the future.

For a while the smell of food had been making me heave, I was feeling exhausted all the time and my breasts were sore. So the other night I decided to do a couple of pregnancy tests just in case! They came back positive. I told my mum (I’m only 23) and she told me I should message my ex and let him know what was going on, so I text him this morning. He responded by calling me a liar and that if I was he wouldn’t want it (he always told me he wanted kids while we were together, it was me who didn’t). I sent him a photo of the positive tests and he accused me of finding them on the internet so I wrote my name and the date on the tests and sent him more photos and he then said even if I was pregnant it wouldn’t be his and said I probably cheated on him. I never cheated on him throughout our entire relationship, I thought I had found the love of my life, the person I was going to grow old with. I reassured him I hadn’t cheated and asked if we could have a grown up conversation about it and he basically said that was never going to happen and this wouldn’t change that we are broken up. I never expected this to make us get back together because I wouldn’t want to be with someone unless I knew they loved me, which he clearly doesn’t.

The test results came as a surprise to me, I was shocked and didn’t tell my mum until today so I could process it myself. I didn’t plan to be pregnant with a baby when my boyfriend has just left me! And that’s all he seems to think.

I understand he might just be freaking out a bit at the moment about it and I am expecting the worst. I’m planning on going to the hospital where they do early pregnancy scans, I’m roughly around 6 weeks and I’ve had 2-3 days of some spotting, so I want to make sure everything is ok pretty soon! I didn’t realise how much I actually wanted a baby until I saw those test results and it breaks my heart that he’s saying all these hurtful things to me. Should I invite him to the early pregnancy scan with me? Obviously I’m not going to tell him about it today because I think he needs some time to process what I told him this morning.

juneau. i agree 100%.

Unfortunately "I don't love you anymore" so often means another woman that I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. It sounds to me like you have thrown a spanner into whatever plans he has.

I wouldn't bother inviting him to the early scan. In fact I'm not sure when I would contact him again at all!

I can only confirm what other posters have said. It’s very unlikely that he will want to be dad o this baby.
Go to the early scan with your mum. Not him (and that’s if he decided to go which is unlikely).
Organise your life as a single mum. Create a network around you (friends, family) that can support you through the pregnancy and after.
Check will happen with work, what is possible or not etc....

I think One think you need to think about is whether you want to fight for him to pay some CM at all (which would mean confirming he is the father after the birth). As a parent, this would mean still having some links with him which might well be last thing you want!!

As for his parents, I would let them know but I wouldn’t go further away than that.
It’s up to him to build a relationship with that baby. To decide if he wants to, if he wants to do the right thing...
His relationship with the baby as well as the one between his parents and the baby are his responsibility. Not yours

What an arse. As others have said you can claim maintenance via CMS and if he denies paternity he will have to pay for a DNA test.

I don't understand why you won't be able to work from 10 weeks pregnant though? I'm not sure your boss can legally stop you from working.

I agree with everyone else that says leave him alone for now. Concentrate on yourself and the baby and leave him to get over the shock and contact you. If he doesn't contact you for a while then maybe reach out to his family to let them know

Congrats

And yes. What juneau said. Do you really want to be a single parent? You're still so young with so much ahead of you. Do you really want to be linked to your ex for the next 18 years minimum?

Chances are he won't come round or change. But you do have options. Think carefully about what you want. Do you want to keep the baby because you still love him and hope he'll change his mind? Or do you want to keep the baby because you want to be a Mum?
He doesn't sound much like great Dad material to me.

In a year you could have met someone else and be planning a completely new life and family. Don't tie yourself to an arsehole if you don't have to.

But I am pro-choice. if you want to keep the baby then do. I had DS at 19, with DP not being an arse but totally thrilled and supportive. And even then it was bloody hard work but I wouldn't change it. Had DP buggered off and been so cruel and callous I might have made different choices.

I very much know I am young. I’m feeling very scared and to all the people saying clearly he doesn’t want you - I do know this and I have stated that I don’t intend to be with someone who doesn’t love me anymore.

I haven’t fully made my choice yet. I still have to see if anything went wrong because of the spotting I am having, I might not even be pregnant anymore, I could have lost it and not get any choice - which I’m sure my ex will be over the moon about.

Yes, I live at home. But where I live it costs £800+ plus bills a month and then I have to find somewhere that will allow me to have my cat there and that it’s also suitable. I feel like I’m being judged very harshly for living at home and for being pregnant when I’m no longer with the dad. When I fell pregnant it was an accident, I was in a loving relationship at the time, thinking I was going to marry this person.

My boss doesn’t legally want to stop me working at 10 weeks, it’s just as a nightclub photographer you get shoved and pushed around a lot and she doesn’t want anything to happen to the baby because of my job. I can still do the photos in the quieter bars, pubs, photograph weddings etc. She is just looking out for the safety of me and my baby.

My ex was so upset when I told him I lost a baby before and this is partly why I am a bit worried about the spotting I’m getting, so even though we aren’t together I thought he might be shocked, but still a bit happy. He’s always talked about wanting children with me one day!

I was always the one to say I didn’t want children and after losing one (even though at the time I wasn’t aware I was pregnant) made me realise how much I would have loved and wanted it, this is why such a big part of me feels like I want to keep this one!

If this had happened 2 months ago and I had told him I was pregnant he would have been very supportive and it’s very upsetting to see this side to him - we left things on really good terms when he told me he decided that he didn’t want to give the relationship one last go. I accepted that choice and now this has happened it’s made me feel awful! My head is everywhere!!

For the moment focus on yourself and the baby. Don't bother contacting him again until the baby is born to notify him

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

When I look at my group of single mum friends, it's painfully clear that those who have no dealings with the dads are so much better off, emotionally and practically, than those who share custody with arseholes. So are the kids, who have less drama in their lives. He doesn't want the baby, and he may just be doing you a huge favour if it stays that way. The way he's behaving shows you that you're better off without him.

Oh lovely I don't think anyone is judging you for living at home. My DS still lives at home and he's 30. He can't afford to move out right now. He wants to but the sums don't add up. And I think you need the support of your family. It sounds like the best place for you right now. If you were my daughter I'd want you at home rather than spending silly money on rent.

And I'm sure your boss is trying to do the right thing but she can't stop you working. She should do a formal risk assessment though to document what measures she will put in place to keep you safe. And if she can't put measures in place to keep you safe she has to give you paid leave for the duration of you pregnancy.

Google it. The law is pretty clear.

Bless you - I really do feel for you. Where abouts do you live? Do you have much support from anyone else? I'm 24, nearly 25 and currently 21 weeks pregnant so feel free to message me if you want a chat xx

It's easy to say that now IttyBittyKitty

But he could turn out to be one of those knobheads who wants to control everything and makes the OP's life a bloody misery. It's too early to tell.

Twice in one day Posty , well done
Personally I'd cut all communication with this twat & hope to never hear from him again, he sounds like the sort to make life hard just for the sake of it-who needs that?

As a parent, this would mean still having some links with him which might well be last thing you want!!
Mmmm, what about what's best for the child? At the moment, he is only a few days into finding out that he is about to be a father from a woman who he has decided he didn't want to be with any longer. OP still has feelings for the guys, had a couple of weeks to adjust to the idea of pregnancy and is experiencing hormones that is part of the process. So maybe, just maybe, for the sake of the baby, it might be worth giving him the benefit of the doubt and more than anything, some time to get used to the idea?

A friend of mine got pregnant and the initial reaction of her partner with whom she had a on/off relationship with was horrible. It continued all along her pregnancy which turned out to be a very difficult one. It then continued when the baby was born. My friend wanted her baby to have a father though, so she swallowed his behaviour and tried to encourage him to get to know her little girl. It worked. He fell in love with the baby, they made up got back together and he ended up being the most devoted dad a little girl could have hoped for. They have now separated (they were really never compatible) but they have agreed to shared care.

I am so proud of my friend who put her own feelings aside and worked so hard for her child to have a dad in her life. She didn't do it for herself but for her little girl and now that 10 yo girl has the devoted love of two parents.

OP, don't write it off yet, he is in shock, understandably so. It might take him a long time to adjust to him being a dad, but he could turn out to be a wonderful dad and that's the best thing you could give to your child after your own love and care.

Take time, there is no rush, one thing at a time and for a start, it is to know that all is well with your pregnancy.

You focus on yourself. He doesn't want a dad, so some token maintenance and visits are what you'll get. His family will be fine about it. This is not your priority. You are 23, are YOU going to be ok? Living with parents for a couple of years is absolutely fine as you'll need the help. Is there another woman involved. Goodluck, I know what I'd be doing at 23 and pregnant with an ex....

Yup, 500 yards, some turn around and become nightmares. Wanting to pass the pregnancy off as someone else's is a dickhead move, but might just mean he really doesn't want anything to do with being a dad. That can be upsetting as hell for a pregnant woman but is sometimes a blessing in disguise.

I only found out a couple of days ago and it’s harder because I obviously still love him, it’s only been 11 days since he left. I spoke to him on Wednesday and he promised and promised there wasn’t another woman involved and I do believe him. I wasn’t an easy person to be with. I did shout a lot at him and I can understand that he probably stopped loving me because of all of that. I mean how much shouting can one person stand? When I spoke to him (before I took the pregnancy tests) he was crying when he said we can’t give it another go.

I’m trying to think about what’s best and I do want a child. It’s just been made harder because of the situation. He always told me he wanted kids, he’s saying he doesn’t want me to keep it because of money.

Obviously I have to find out if my pregnancy is even still there and I’m really frightened that when I go they’re going to tell me I lost the baby because of my bleeding and him saying all the things he has is making me feel so much worse.

Hugs, Rocket.

He always told me he wanted kids, he’s saying he doesn’t want me to keep it because of money.

you have to remember you was with him when he said that. now you are not its obvious he isnt going to want a baby with soneone he isnt with. who would? he broke up with you and now hes going to be tied to you.

I understand he won’t want a baby with someone he isn’t with but it doesn’t change the fact that he did make this baby with me. We both knew what we were doing. We both knew that we weren’t ever 100% safe about things ☹️

Op I am so sorry that your ex has behaved so cruelly. Unfortunately, it sounds very like he has met someone else. Dumping you, he thought he was going into his new relationship free of ties. Now you are pregnant he is realising his new life isn’t so free of ties as he had hoped! He is likely very angry! But don’t let him pin this on you! He is (in all likelihood) a lying cheating bastard, who knew fine well that there was a risk of getting you pregnant! He doesn’t get to wreck your life, break your heart and blame you for getting yourself pregnant! You had absolutely no idea that he had suddenly decided that he no longer loved you! His lack of ‘love’ certainly didn’t stop him from having sex with you!

Good luck at your early scan, don’t take him with you, he is bitter and angry, take your a Mum or a friend! You don’t need him, he is clearly not good enough for you or your baby! As for his family, contact them yourself if you want them to have contact, but first concentrate on looking after you and your baby!

well to quote something i read on here. its a fact he has fathered your child. being a parent is a choice.

He said he started feeling like he didn’t love me a couple of months ago and didn’t tell me because he thought it would fix itself - obviously it didn’t. He keeps telling me how much he regrets not telling me then because he thinks if I had known we would have made it work. Honestly, it’s like a slap in the face, if you think I deserved that chance before, why don’t I deserve it now and why cry your eyes out when you tell me all of this?! Urgh!

I only told him about it today, I tried to ring him to tell him but like I expected he wouldn’t answer the phone so I had to text him to let him know. I do want to give him some space to cool off. Who knows he may just be shocked and feeling scared about this like I am, but he could also genuinely mean all the things he said to me. I feel like they’re both very likely.

I do have my mum as support and I spoke to my sister in law this evening and she has also offered to go with me to the scan. It’s reassured me that I do have some support, initially I was really embarrassed that this happened.

Only my mum, sister in law, ex and boss actually know at the moment, just in case something did go wrong with my pregnancy.

Postymalone Arent you a delight??

Op, you can do this. Congratulations. You have your mum and family and when he gets over the shock he'll want to talk. If he doesn't then you have that precious little bundle all to yourself, lucky baby!!

Part of his anger and rejection might be that if there is an OW he has been spinning a revised history of your relationship, one which said you weren't having sex.

Focus on yourself and your baby and do what is right for you. This must be your primary concern now. If at some stage he wants to step up in some way then that is down to him. You can't control him or make him want to engage.

But don't give the child his name, if he has suddenly decided by that point to be 'present'. He doesn't deserve that honour.