Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL calling herself mummy (of my baby). Anyone has had this problem?

69 replies

piscis · 22/06/2018 11:06

Has anyone had to face this problem? My MIL is referring to herself as mummy when talking to my DD (1 year old) or has referred to my DP as my DD's brother, or to my SIL as DD's sister, basically like the baby is hers. This happens only sometimes, not most of the time (obviously!), but it is getting on my nerves and it is causing me a lot of pain and anxiety. Even when it has happened a handful of times, it has been like someone was stabbing me each time, I was fuming.

I corrected her a couple of times, but she didn't seem to give it much importance. Once we were with some visitors at home and my DD was in someone's lap, my MIL stood up and said "come with mummy" and then when she kept her I told her "oh, I thought you were going to pass her to me, because you said come with mummy and I am mummy", she just laughed (not sure if a nervous laugh or just because it is something not important in her eyes).

My DP talked to her about this and in the last visit she improved a bit (I say a bit because there are other issues) and she didn't say it even once, but now she has been visiting for the last week (she lives in another country) and she has said twice, even though she realized while she was saying it and corrected it and changed to granny quickly. Still makes me feel so uncomfortable and it also makes me sad because it is affecting so much the way I see her, I just cannot have a good relationship with her like this.

Has anyone had a similar experience and how do you deal with it?
I am not the most assertive person in the world and that makes things even more difficult.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 22/06/2018 11:08

Sounds like a slip of the tongue.

Fuming? Is there a bigger picture here?

dirtybadger · 22/06/2018 11:12

Sounds odd

Is English her first language? I assume if shes in another country that she doesnt visit too often so this wont be a big issue.
Its really for your DP to sort, as shes his mum. It will be less awkward than you trying to sort it.

Could he discuss what term she wants to use (granny, gran, nan, nanny etc) and then keep reminded her to stick to one name to avoid confusing DD.

I havent ever heard of this, very peculiar....is she normally quite controlling?

mostdays · 22/06/2018 11:12

My brother and SIL recently had their first baby and on two or three occasions I have caught myself saying "Mummy" instead of "Auntie Mostdays", simply because I am so used to calling myself Mummy in relation to family babies (I've had three and no one else in our part of the family has had any in that time). But each time, I have caught myself on it, corrected myself, and have made sure to say something like "silly Auntie Mostdays, your Mummy is right there!"

she has said twice, even though she realized while she was saying it and corrected it and changed to granny quickly. Still makes me feel so uncomfortable and it also makes me sad because it is affecting so much the way I see her, I just cannot have a good relationship with her like this.
Sounds like she is aware and trying not to keep doing it. Are there other reasons that this is upsetting you so much?

Shoxfordian · 22/06/2018 11:13

It sounds really odd

Did you have a good relationship with her before you had a baby?

Intheprimeoflime · 22/06/2018 11:15

My mum calls herself mummy to my one year old, but it's definitely slip of the tongue as she has never had a grandchild before and has been "mummy" for most of her life

PositivelyPERF · 22/06/2018 11:16

I would have thought it was a slip of the tongue, if it wasn’t for this! has referred to my DP as my DD's brother, or to my SIL as DD's sister

That’s not a slip of the tongue, that’s a stupid woman wanting to play mummy.

FootballOnEveryStation · 22/06/2018 11:17

I would spend as little time with her as possible. It's confusing for a child, she sounds selfish.

Goldmonday · 22/06/2018 11:17

It's not a slip of the tongue as she is referring to OPs partner as the babies brother!!!

Weird as fuck and I'm surprised your DP isn't embarrassed to hell. Does she show any other strange behaviour???

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 22/06/2018 11:18

I’ve seen this on MN a few times from MILs. I’m sure someone will be along soon to tell you if they managed to fix it. I would be fuming too. No way that’s a slip of the tongue. How do you not realise someone is your grandchild and not your own child?

Thesearmsofmine · 22/06/2018 11:19

My mother in law has had a slip of the tongue and done this a few times. It doesn’t bother me, because it is accidental. If it was on purpose I would find it odd.

flowerpicture · 22/06/2018 11:20

Wtf. I'd be firmly nipping this in the bud. Sod that.

Thesearmsofmine · 22/06/2018 11:20

God yeah the brother thing is weird.

Flamingosnbears · 22/06/2018 11:24

You need to to have a serious chat with her and tell her how she's making you feel, she's had her kids this is your bubba your the mummy never mind slip of the tongue don't tolerate it.

Original poster
piscis · 22/06/2018 11:38

No, English is not her first language, nor mine (I am spanish and so is she), so I am basically translating here what she says in spanish, there is no confusion.

Yes, there is a bigger picture. It all started when I was pregnant, I told my partner from the start that I wouldn't like visitors at home straight away after having the baby, that I wanted some time as a family of 3 (just a few days was fine with me). And considering that our visitors will come from Spain, they will be staying with us in our place, so not exactly the same as if someone comes for a tea in the afternoon and then they go home. This was a bit of a drama from his side of the family, because problems with taking holidays. I guess this "having some time for yourself with no visits" is not too typical in Spain. Anyway, I was a bit stressed in my pregnancy about when I will go into labour and I was desperate not to go overdue and basically, I didn't feel respected and things changed from that moment on.

Then, when we went to Spain for the first time when the baby was 3 months old, she was getting in the way a lot, I was changing my DD, she will come and help (great!) but her help will normally end up with me in the corner, she was getting too excited that she was pushing me away, she will say how the pushchair has to go, basically trying to make decisions that she didn't have to make. Insisting on doing things like piercing her ears, which is typical in Spain and we had tell her already we wouldn't do...I am coming from a completely different family where there are boundaries and I find this completely overwhelming.

OP posts:
Original poster
piscis · 22/06/2018 11:47

I don't think she doesn't on purpose at all, but that doesn't stop it from annoying me. I think it brings memories of when she was a mum, she also call DD by my SIL's name a lot. I think she is reliving her motherhood basically through her. But I think is involuntary.

She only called my DP my DD's brother once, I don't want to make it sound worst that it really is, but it is a bit disturbing and together with so many more details is making everything very difficult for me.

My DP has talked to her and obviously he doesn't think it's normal, but also is not such a big problem for him as it is for me.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 22/06/2018 11:49

OP Congratulations on your fabulous new baby.

' I didn't feel respected and things changed from that moment on' be very clear with your partner that you do not feel respected and this time, with new baby, should be magical and not unpleasant and spoiled by this.

'her help will normally end up with me in the corner, she was getting too excited that she was pushing me away, she will say how the pushchair has to go, basically trying to make decisions that she didn't have to make.'

You need to sit down and explain, 'I find this completely overwhelming.'

Just use simple small words and explain that this is frustrating, it is getting in the way of your relationship with mil and will ultimately impact the relationship between her and your child. Spell it out.

Each time she interferes just say 'MIL, I am doing this, I do not need any help. But if you would like to be useful I would love a cup of coffee' or whatever.

Please just be clear, polite, and calm, 'it's lovely you want to be involved but I am a new mum, it is new for me and it is my turn, I am sure you would not have wanted your mil doing everything for you.' and if she says she did, 'well, I am different, I am very independent and I will do this.'

Congrats again. It is a lovely time. Do not allow her to spoil it.

Original poster
piscis · 22/06/2018 11:49

My relationship with her before the baby was good but as we live in different countries, we didn't see each other so much, maybe twice a year. Now we see each other more often and she is a different person, I actually thought she was a very reasonable woman, not so much now.

OP posts:
StraffeHendrik · 22/06/2018 11:52

I dont think it is that weird. Both my mother and my sister have done this to my DC with no ill intent at all. I think it is just habit as that is how they are used to talking to babies. Actually my sister doesn't even have babies but is used to saying 'come to mummy' etc to her cats (!). I am sure I could do the same, indeed I have accidentally referred to myself as 'mummy' to sister's cats, although obviously I am really their 'aunty' I suppose. Don't suppose the cats care though. I wouldn't read anything into it at all.

Are you sure MIL isn't just misspeaking? I also remember my grandparents mixing up fmily relations like cousin/uncle/brother in their 60s (never got dementia, these were just normal slips of the tounge that older people do).

StraffeHendrik · 22/06/2018 11:54

Also if she brushes it off she may just be embarrassed that she sounds like she is going senile.

ineedwine99 · 22/06/2018 11:57

You need to raise this OP and deal with it, with your husbands support. My mum and MIL are first time grandparents and have never once done this and would be mortified if they did and would apologies.
Sorry it's stressing you out, hope it gets resolved.

Drchinnery · 22/06/2018 12:04

If she's not English it would explain it. Sometimes in other cultures they do this. Although My MIL is English and refers to my son as 'her baby' and it's infuriating. People have corrected her on the spot numerous times so I think she's just a bit thick. She also calls me 'the mother' which again I think is just ignorance!

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 22/06/2018 12:05

I have a dgc and a ds a year apart, never confused dm with dgm -
Would be giving Spain less frequent visits until she respects your boundaries.

StraffeHendrik · 22/06/2018 12:10

But April, if you were young enough to have DC similar age to DGC, you were probably less prone to senior moments than the typical grandma!

Original poster
piscis · 22/06/2018 12:20

Not being English doesn't explain it because I am also spanish, as her, and I call tell you that's not normal behaviour, so in theory there isn't a cultural difference between us, we come from the same country (even though sometimes I feel like we are from different planets)

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 22/06/2018 12:26

Is she elderly ? As this can be a sign of dementia. Not so much the Mummy bit as it could be just an accident, especially if she is tired, but the brother rather than Daddy reminds me of a relative with dementia in the very early stages. I don’t think it is something to be cross about, I would be more concerned about why ?