MIL calling herself mummy (of my baby). Anyone has had this problem?

[piscis]

Has anyone had to face this problem? My MIL is referring to herself as mummy when talking to my DD (1 year old) or has referred to my DP as my DD's brother, or to my SIL as DD's sister, basically like the baby is hers. This happens only sometimes, not most of the time (obviously!), but it is getting on my nerves and it is causing me a lot of pain and anxiety. Even when it has happened a handful of times, it has been like someone was stabbing me each time, I was fuming.

I corrected her a couple of times, but she didn't seem to give it much importance. Once we were with some visitors at home and my DD was in someone's lap, my MIL stood up and said "come with mummy" and then when she kept her I told her "oh, I thought you were going to pass her to me, because you said come with mummy and I am mummy", she just laughed (not sure if a nervous laugh or just because it is something not important in her eyes).

My DP talked to her about this and in the last visit she improved a bit (I say a bit because there are other issues) and she didn't say it even once, but now she has been visiting for the last week (she lives in another country) and she has said twice, even though she realized while she was saying it and corrected it and changed to granny quickly. Still makes me feel so uncomfortable and it also makes me sad because it is affecting so much the way I see her, I just cannot have a good relationship with her like this.

Has anyone had a similar experience and how do you deal with it?
I am not the most assertive person in the world and that makes things even more difficult.

I think it could easily be a slip of the tongue. I constantly call my kids by each other's names, (two boys and two girls); my Mum refers to my niece (who is very like me) by my name all the time, even when she is talking to me about her; FiL calls DH by BiL's name and vice versa. It's what people do, especially when they are getting on a bit.

Straffehendrik - I call myself Mama to the cats and I've got three dc...

OP, this doesn't sound too entrenched, or likely to become so. It sounds like some fairly standard overstepping of boundaries, which you are entitled to push back on - certainly with the stuff about the ear piercing! - Italiangreyhound has some useful suggestions. As your daughter grows I assume she will naturally do her bit in enforcing them 'you're not Mummy, you're Granny!').

Hmm yes I have had this problem with my MIL too.

My MIL has one child (my dh) and constantly referred to her gc (our son) by her sons name, called herself mum to him, created her own room for him at her house, had her own wardrobe of clothes for him and even a buggy.

It was like watching a grown woman playing at mummy with dolls except it wasn't a doll, it was my son!!

A word of warning, my MIL did 2 days of childcare for us every week at her house and by the age of 2/3 my son was calling her Mum!!! I was going through fertility treatment at the time and this absolutely broke my heart. We couldn't have any more children in the end so she really bittered my early memories.

Yes there can be a slip of the tongue but I suspect more often than not these older women become triggered by the new grandchild and want to relive their time with their child all over again. That is damaging and selfish and definitely needs monitoring.

I've seen a few threads on here where the same as happened, it does tend to come up quite often (which is weird as it sounds so odd!!). Might be worth a look through these:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1823521-To-think-MIL-calling-herself-mum-isnt-ok

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/674172-My-mum-won-39-t-stop-calling-herself-Mummy-to

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3229329-to-not-want-mil-to-refer-to-herself-as-mummy-around-my-dc

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1549202-Mother-in-law-is-trying-to-replace-me-as-mum

Ok, she lives in another country, so I bet you don't see her that often.
As, she won't be wandering round your town saying it, or even confusing dd, as she doesn't see her regularly.
Speak to her and tell her how it makes you feel, and say what you have on here. You don't want it to harm your relationship.
It does sound like she is self correcting herself, so hasn't ignored yours and dh request.
I do sympathise, but it's not like she lives near and can pop round for a cuppa. Pick your battles and if she kind of takes over a bit leave her to it and have a break, gosh, I know i would have done

The issue of dementia does come up a fair bit in discussion about this - or it being a 'slip of the tongue'. If she is persisting despite being told it is really awkward - I would go with just pulling her up on it every single time. Every time say 'We talked about this MIL, you calling yourself Mummy makes me really uncomfortable, would you mind not doing it please...' and variations on the theme. You should be able to get to the point where you say her name sternly and it works (and if she doesn't stop it's either very deliberate or time to call the docs!).

I had a similar issue. I say had because although it has not changed it is no longer an issue for me. So, from my experience i’d say the calling hersel “mummy” is just a symptom but the underlying issue will be another one. She may want to relive her younger years, she may be controlling, she may think she knows best, she may not respect you etc. You will not be able to change her attitude so don’t waste your energy. Tell yourself it does not say anything about you, you are a good mum, you deserve respect, you will not be controlled. Set your boundaries and respond calmly to her. It is draining to start with but in my case got easier with time. Good luck

Put your foot down now, so that you can maintain a good relationship with her. The absolute best way to deal with this nonsense from overbearing grandparents is to make it clear that it won't be tolerated. Make it clear that frequent visits will not be happening unless they are ones you feel are enjoyable and beneficial for your whole family :)

As it's your DH's mum, he needs to take the lead.

My DP has talked to her and obviously he doesn't think it's normal, but also is not such a big problem for him as it is for me.

Well firstly you need to talk to him and tell him that yes, it IS a big problem for him even if he doesn't quite realise it, because what will happen if his mother isn't told to butt out will be that you, his wife, stop being happy with frequent visits and close contact, because she is being inappropriate and intrusive. You have a child now, you are a family - yes, his wife feeling that his mother is overstepping is a big problem and one that he would be very sensible to want sorted.

Explain that you do not want to fall out with her over this. You want her to be told, politely but firmly, that she's overstepping and needs to remember that she is the granny and NOT in charge - so that you can maintain a good, grandparent relationship with her instead of eventually screaming at her to fuck off :) This is best coming from him. He has spoken to her before and it needs to happen again, and more directly. She is not the parent. She listens to you or DH when it comes to your child. She can offer to help but if that's not needed, she does not push in and she certainly doesn't tell you what to do or push you aside. And if you hear her calling herself Mummy again, visits will most certainly have to be limited until she can learn not to do that very confusing thing.

piscis insisting on doing things like piercing her ears... And we ha tell her already we wouldn't do

Does your baby now have pierced ears against the wishes of both her parents?! That is not OK! That is a controlling grandmother!!!

I can see it both ways and it really depends

My dmum did this once and the glare she got from myself and dsis was more than enough , she instantly apologised and said it was because she was so used to being the mum...it never happened again

So in that case no harm no foul (I am not close to Dmum so the following isn't a case of playing favourites)

Emil said it repeatedly, even after being corrected and eventually we genuinely established she had a stupendous emotionally incestuous perspective and really half believed that any baby my Exdh had was hers as well

So I personally think if the behaviour stops on correction then it's just a slip (I'm sympathetic....i accidentally told my DP to bring his dirty plates out to mummy yesterday...after we had thrown up he took the mickey out of me!) ...nothing sinister...just a woman used to saying mummy 520000 times a day

Exmil on the other hand knows if she comes within ten miles of me plant pots will be thrown

Only you will know really OP

I think you're taking the name thing it to heart too much. My grandma called me my youngest aunties name (her last baby at home) for most of my life and still does. I just go with it. It's just the name of a baby she loves and how she sees herself as the 'mother of the family'. Your daughter won't think her granny is her mummy so try not to worry. The other stuff sounds annoying and your boundaries need to be respected more so try to address this with MIL and DH. Try to have some patience though, better too much love than not enough, even if it's a bit overbearing.

Slightly different situation with me, but I'm from a different culture than my in-laws, and I've heard there is something of a tradition of a grandmother calling themselves 'mamá elena' (or whatever her name is) instead of abuelita... so following with interest for however you can resolve this with your MIL.

Actually we called my Dad's mum Mam Dad'sSurname (We are Welsh). So it could easily be a cultural thing.

If my mil did this I would correct her once. Have stern words the second time (not in front of dd). A third time would be a final warning and a threat of nc. I would also suggest dh gets her to the doctor fo see if she has early stage dementia .

My mil did this. It irritated the hell out of me at the time but I think it was a genuine slip of the tongue.

My grandparents did this with me and my sister. It became a family joke - my mum was once at a party with her mum and heard her being asked if she had children, and she said yes, then started describing her grandchildren! In front of my mum!

It's unintentional in her case but also reflects an underlying issue - certainly does in my family's case. I think you should continue to pull her up on this, and ask her to stop doing it, but you're not going to be able to control her, and she might still slip up. Just remain calm, correct her, and move on.

I'd recommend you try not to stress about it - try and joke about it with your DH if you can!

As for not being English thing, I have lived and worked in many different cultures and I know of no culture where this would be ok beyond a slip of the tongue, especially with a child so young.

I am a MIL and I wouldn't do that. I think your MIL wants to be in charge of you all, OP and she needs telling that she can't be. She is thinking that you won't say anything but I don't blame you for wanting to stop her nonsense.

My MIL has one child (my dh) and constantly referred to her gc (our son) by her sons name, called herself mum to him, created her own room for him at her house, had her own wardrobe of clothes for him and even a buggy

A word of warning, my MIL did 2 days of childcare for us every week at her house and by the age of 2/3 my son was calling her Mum!!! I was going through fertility treatment at the time and this absolutely broke my heart. We couldn't have any more children in the end so she really bittered my early memories.

What a bitch...do you still talk to her?

What a nightmare, it seems like mine is not so bad after all comparing to her

Does your baby now have pierced ears against the wishes of both her parents?! That is not OK! That is a controlling grandmother!!!

No, of course not!!
But when I was pregnant she asked about buying earrings for the baby when she knew it was a girl. To that point DP and me hadn't even discussed this, but we both agreed that was something that we wouldn't do and we told her that we wouldn't be piercing her ears.
When she was born she asked again, "are you going to pierce her ears? otherwise people don't know if it is a boy or a girl..."and we told her again NO. Last time we were there I discovered she has a pair of earrings that she bought, she probably bought them before asking for the first time, or after that, thinking we will change our mind.

So, from my experience i’d say the calling hersel “mummy” is just a symptom but the underlying issue will be another one. She may want to relive her younger years, she may be controlling, she may think she knows best, she may not respect you etc. You will not be able to change her attitude so don’t waste your energy

I agree with this, that it is a symptom of something else. But I feel she doesn't respect me and it doesn't feel right to me, she surely has to respect me or at least pretend to in front of me, otherwise why should I invite her to my house and waste my annual leave in going to see her?

There are some people saying that my mum did this too... however, I think you have to agree that it is not the same if someone from your own family oversteps the boundaries or if it is your in-laws. It is not comparable.
Not because it is allowed for your own family to do it, but because the situation is not so tense and awkward. If my mum/brothers are super annoying or overstepping, I would have no problem telling them to get lost and leave me alone and that would be fine, we know each other very well, but you don't want to be rude or shout to your in laws because that would probably will cause a major problem.

"I would have no problem telling them to get lost and leave me alone and that would be fine, we know each other very well, but you don't want to be rude or shout to your in laws because that would probably will cause a major problem".

Inlaws are people like anyone else, they should not be put on such a pedestool. They are not untouchable. She is also counting on you not to say anything and or be otherwise assertive; she knows you are not assertive anyway and dislike confrontation. I would argue that this is a deliberate act on her part to further undermine you as your DD's mother.

Your MIL is causing you a problem in the first place by behaving like this towards your child. It is confusing and unsettling for her to be spoken to by her nan in such a manner. Presumably other people have heard this woman speak like this, what is their response?. Your partner is key here as well. She does this because she can.

You state there are other issues (not altogether surprisingly) with her; what are these?.

BTW where is FIL in all this, I ask only as he is not mentioned.

Have firm and consistent boundaries with regards to his mother; what is and is not acceptable from her re your child here?. Stick to these rigidly.

You state there are other issues (not altogether surprisingly) with her; what are these?
Not feeling respected with my wishes for after giving birth (didn't want any visitors staying at our place until after a few days) and this was a major problem.
Overstepping, trying to make decisions that it's not her place to take...
Also, for example, she has been here this week with my SIL and I left DD with them for half a day to go to work. So basically from 12-6pm DD was with them, plus in the morning and evening they were at home with us too, basically all day. She gave her the bottle when she woke up, then she gave her breakfast, then the rest of the meals too, and when time comes for the last bottle of the day she says she will feed her. I told her no, that I have been away quite a few hours (I haven't return to work properly yet, not until July as I've got a lot of annual leave left) and hadn't feed her for the whole day and I wanted to do it. Then she came to bathe her with me and then she asked me if she could take her to sleep, to which I replied with a puzzled face and said no because she is not going to fell asleep. She is 1 year, me and DP are the only ones taking her to sleep and it can be hard enough for us. I do not consider this a reasonable request for a 1 year old baby, it will be probably ok if she was older...Also, when I arrived from work, I took DD for some cuddles and after a couple of minutes she was already trying to take her away from me. I told her that she was now with me, that I haven't been with her or do that much with her in the whole day. I was assertive (though fuming inside) that day a few times, but she doesn't seem to get it. She doesn't get that even though I see DD every day, there is not a day when I would want to give up on doing everything, I need some time with her, even if it is some cuddles and giving her a bottle. How is that hard to understand? She doesn't seem to get it.

BTW where is FIL in all this, I ask only as he is not mentioned.

No FIL, unfortunately he passed away a few months before DD was born, so I think that maybe she is trying to fill that space with DD.

We all called my maternal grandma Mother and my own mum called her own gran Mother too. My great grandma was alive until I was 6 and, although I called her Nana she was referred to as Mother Surname when being spoken about. One of my cousins did the Mother thing with her own dgc. I prefer Grandma.