MIL calling herself mummy (of my baby). Anyone has had this problem?

[piscis]

Has anyone had to face this problem? My MIL is referring to herself as mummy when talking to my DD (1 year old) or has referred to my DP as my DD's brother, or to my SIL as DD's sister, basically like the baby is hers. This happens only sometimes, not most of the time (obviously!), but it is getting on my nerves and it is causing me a lot of pain and anxiety. Even when it has happened a handful of times, it has been like someone was stabbing me each time, I was fuming.

I corrected her a couple of times, but she didn't seem to give it much importance. Once we were with some visitors at home and my DD was in someone's lap, my MIL stood up and said "come with mummy" and then when she kept her I told her "oh, I thought you were going to pass her to me, because you said come with mummy and I am mummy", she just laughed (not sure if a nervous laugh or just because it is something not important in her eyes).

My DP talked to her about this and in the last visit she improved a bit (I say a bit because there are other issues) and she didn't say it even once, but now she has been visiting for the last week (she lives in another country) and she has said twice, even though she realized while she was saying it and corrected it and changed to granny quickly. Still makes me feel so uncomfortable and it also makes me sad because it is affecting so much the way I see her, I just cannot have a good relationship with her like this.

Has anyone had a similar experience and how do you deal with it?
I am not the most assertive person in the world and that makes things even more difficult.

I have 5 gcs and when one of them calls out, 'Mu-um', I still react and say, 'Yes, darling?' It's ingrained. Sometimes the child looks a bit surprised, but we all have a laugh. They know who their mother is. I don't want to be anything more than granny. But I do feel a bond with them. I don't react to random kids in the park.

I think the problem is that you don't feel a bond with her. She doesn't feel like part of your family and it's intrusive when she's close to your baby.

It sounds as if this pre-dates your baby's birth when you were already putting up barriers. Understandable, given the distance factor. But you need to work on yourself and try to be more relaxed. It doesn't mean she's trying to take your baby from you. How could she? Perhaps because she only has the chance to bond intermittently it feels more full-on than it would if you saw her on a daily basis. But in the end, it will be good that child and grandmother have a close bond, even if they live in different countries.

We all called my maternal grandma Mother and my own mum called her own gran Mother too. My great grandma was alive until I was 6 and, although I called her Nana she was referred to as Mother Surname when being spoken about. One of my cousins did the Mother thing with her own dgc. I prefer Grandma

But I assume you called your grandma Mother and your mother mummy for example, and you grandma wouldn't refer to herself as mummy? If your family reached an agreement that she was going to be called Mother, then fine, but I assume she was not trying to steal your mum's identity?

For my MIL to call herself mummy is not normal, there is nothing normal about it, just to be clear, I am not here to ask if it is normal because it is not. Everyone I have told, they have been like..., speechless really. The reason I am posting here to know how to to deal with this situations (and a little bit of a rant...)

My MIL did weird stuff not dissimilar go your situation when the children were small, which I found really difficult. A combination of exhaustion baby hormones made it more annoying. It’s better now not because she is better but rather I’ve asserted my position. You won’t see her much as she is in Spain.... less if she is mental 😉. Be clear in your mind of your boundaries and calmly assert yourself. Be mindful of her trying to arrange things behind your back with (oblivious?) OP. It will settle down and she will be less excitable when she knows her place in the new family set up. Congratulations on your baby

I would be concerned about it being a sign of possible dementia? Sorry, trying not to be offensive. Has she seemed confused in other areas. Is your dh concerned?

I agree piscis your situation is not acceptable whereas in my family it was. What is Spanish for Grandma? You need to make her accept that. Every time she refers to herself as Mummy you say,”No darling, that’s your Granny.”
My dgd has a Turkish Grandma and the word for that is ananne meaning Mums Mum. Is there anything similar in Spanish.
Turkish also has babanne meaning Dad’s Mum...

I'm British and used to live and work in Spain. Never met an abuela who did this stuff. She is ill or nasty.

I’ve only read the first page.

I’ve been in the same situation, MIL trying to help but coming across as interfering.
The solution was to get parents in law to stay at a local hotel and have visiting hours.

Is your dd the first grandchild? Maybe she’s too excited? She needs to calm down. Every time she says mummy, you laugh and say, ‘No, abuela, you are the grandmother, not the mummy’.

I think she’s too excited and needs to be reminded that you re mum, not her. Challenge her every single time, chica y suerte!

Next time she says it is casually passively aggressively say “silly grandma, of course she’s not your mummy, that would imply she had a baby with her own son” and then give her a glare.

Bet she won’t do it again. Some people are just downright weird

My relationship with my PILs changed after we had D.C.

Looking back, pre-D.C. there was rarely any reason to disagree with them. Once we had children we and started saying “no” to things it all got much more difficult.

My MIL referred to herself as Mummy too. I tackled it by saying very directly “You aren’t Mummy. I’m Mummy” and lifting the baby immediately out of her arms.

We she learned that calling herself Mummy meant no more cuddles she switched to Grandma pretty sharpish.

We mostly get on fine, but I am continually having to assert boundaries.

My ex MIL did it a few times and it annoyed the hell out of me. I think it was deliberate as we had other problems. English was not her mother tongue but she was an English teacher and had been years so was pretty much fluent in it. I couldn't see how she could make a mistake like that. Conveniently all other times she spoke around me in her native language so I couldn't understand. Only when taking the baby off me she'd say something in English and it was "come to mummy".

I think I’d make a great play of how grandma has started a ‘family joke’.

What a good laugh it will be for everyone to call each other by the wrong name! Need you DH to get you a tin from a high shelf? ‘Thanks Grandpa’! Hilarious! Opening the door for grandma? ‘There you go, Uncle Frank’!

Do it over the phone with everyone in Spain, too, letting them know who started it and how.

Keep it up long after the ‘humour’ wears off. See how she likes them apples. Bet you that within a month she’ll be the one telling YOU that it’s confusing the baby!

What a bitch...do you still talk to her?

What a nightmare, it seems like mine is not so bad after all comparing to her 

@piscis funnily enough I put up with her lack of boundaries and bullish behaviour until this new year, 15 years on. She never respected our position as parents and constantly undermined and took over at every opportunity.
We finally snapped at new year and have more or less cut her out, very low contact. The odd email and birthday card that is it.

I honestly wish we'd done it years ago.

Some people just can't see how inappropriate their behaviour is being and how negatively it can affect others.

That is not something that happens by accident.

Either she's doing it deliberately or she has early stage dementia.

I work with people with learning disabilities and dementia and one woman is almost completely as she was except for forgetting that she doesn't still work where she did and calling a couple of her carers by the names of her former teacher/ therapist, and forgetting that she's moved and looking for the bathroom in the wrong place persistently...

Calling her son the wrong name and especially muddling the generations is also worrying.

Really it's not nice or normal and is either deliberate or a sign of something misfiring.

I go to Spain quite a bit and see new mums out with older ladies, often dressed in black. Firstly, I am captivated by how well dressed and groomed even the smallest babies are and secondly by how the older woman takes over the care of the baby. I once saw one take some nail clippers from out of her pocket and clips baby’s fingernails.

It just seemed like such a mummy/daddy type job. The mum didn’t even flicker an eye lid.

She’s definitely overstepping the mark, but lots of MILs do.

I see my 3 DGC's every week. Sometimes every day.
I've never once called myself anything but Grandma.
Why would anyone do this?

early stages dementia doesn't make sense to me because unfortunately There have been a couple of dementia cases in my family (grandmother and father) and I know how thay behave.
When she uses family terms that are not the real ones it is is her as mummy, my SIL as sister and DO as brother, so everything is very coherent and makes sense if she was the mother. She is just not throwing random terms that make no sense, like uncle, nephew...
Also, when I told her "I am mummy" she laughed, a person with dementia who really thinks she is the mum would go mental if she tought she was the real mum and I say that (my granmother will get very aggresive when my mum was telling her she was her daughter because she didn't recognise her and didn't think that was true)
Also, she wouldn't be correcting herself.
It is not dementia.
She is over involved and she is playing mummy.

Is MIL the only grandma? (Apologies not RTFT). If so, can you try to flip this a bit by emphasising how important MIL's role as grandma is and how important it is for your DD to identify her as such? Actually can do this even if there is another grandma by giving them individual identities - eg we had "Nanny" for my MIL and "Grandma" for my mother, and they were both quite proud of their individual names and the children developed clear and separate relationships with each of them.

Can you work with MIL to get DD to learn to say MIL's name as soon as she is old enough to? Lots of pointing at you and saying "Mummy" and pointing at MIL and saying annoying lady "Grandma" - eventually DD's eyes will turn to MIL when she hears "Grandma" and MIL will start seeing the value of having her own identity. It's the game with the long tail - I think you might need to deal with a fair time of constant correction but in the long run the identities will be established. Good luck!

**“I think I’d make a great play of how grandma has started a ‘family joke’.

What a good laugh it will be for everyone to call each other by the wrong name! Need you DH to get you a tin from a high shelf? ‘Thanks Grandpa’! Hilarious! Opening the door for grandma? ‘There you go, Uncle Frank’!

Do it over the phone with everyone in Spain, too, letting them know who started it and how.

Keep it up long after the ‘humour’ wears off. See how she likes them apples. Bet you that within a month she’ll be the one telling YOU that it’s confusing the baby!”

She wants it to stop, not prove she’s a c*!
She’ll be the only one doing it and it’ll appear she has a personal problem.