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Original poster

Partner changed his mind about kids

75 replies

KateyA · 21/06/2018 16:57

Hi all bit nervous to post so please be gentle. I’ve reposted here cos this I initially posted in the wrong talk

So I’m very very nearly forty.

After several years in a lovely relationship my partner has changed his mind about having kids now saying he’s no longer sure he wants them. He seems to be erring on the side of no; there are no clear reasons except perhaps fear of change.

I am devastated and know that I can’t go forward with the relationship if this is the case

I was upfront at the beginning of the relationship about kids being a deal breaker and he said he was keen for a family.
We started to plan moving to appropriate home, and set a provisional date to start trying.

Six months later here we are,

I have told him I will leave him if his descision is no kids as I would not be happy in the long term if I was unable to be a mother. I’m now absolutely terrified to start the concluding conversation when I ask what he’s decided because I know it’s going to break my heart.

The really horrid thing is aside our relationship is great

Any similar experiences? Happy endings? Advice?

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 21/06/2018 18:06

If that's what you want, I'd leave anyway.

If you loved him you wouldn't force him to agree to something important that he didn't want to do and for him he shouldn't be forced into parenthood to keep a girlfriend.

It's not like compromising on an area to live or a house, it's a child and they deserve to be wanted by both parents.

AngelsSins · 21/06/2018 18:39

BoxsetsAndPopcorn she’s not trying to force him for god sake, she’s just being honest about her deal breaker, as you said yourself, it’s not something you can compromise on. To insinuate that she doesn’t love him or she’d give up her desire to have children is really nasty.

ElspethFlashman · 21/06/2018 18:41

It's just been 6 months? So he's a fairly recent boyfriend? Just ditch him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/06/2018 18:50

It’s a deal breaker. You were honest about that. He’s now changed his mind so you need to walk away.

Having children isn’t guaranteed to any of us but it’s something you want to do and it’s not going to happen with him. You don’t want to have children with someone who doesn’t really want to do it. If you stayed together and tried to change his mind you’d be wasting your time and then you’d really resent him.

I’m sorry, it sucks. Children is the biggest non-negotiable. I’ve got friends who married without having really resolved the issue with one desperate to be a parent and the other who loathes the whole idea. They loved each other loads in the early days but the mutual resentment of the one feeling denied and the other feeling not enough is tearing them apart and the love is pretty much gone which is heartbreaking to see yet also so inevitable. Don’t be those people.

You want a chance to be a mum and he doesn’t want to be a dad. I know walking away is scary but you don’t have a choice as he doesn’t share your dreams. Be brave, go and find someone who wants the same things you do Flowers

Littlelambpeep · 21/06/2018 18:52

I would leave. As hard as it is... Why waste anymore time xx

WerkSupp · 21/06/2018 18:57

Why give him all the power and ask him what he's decided? He knows this is a dealbreaker for you. So you must start planning your life without him and end things. If you find yourself wavering in this, remember, he can change his mind in a few years and leave you, find someone younger and have kids. It happens time and again with these types of men. But by then it will be too late for you and you'll see him flouncing around with his kids, gushing about being a family men as if no one ever had kids before he became a dad. He changed his mind, stick to yours. You are running out of time fast.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 21/06/2018 18:59

Elspeth-it's been years, not 6 months.
That's tough op. It must be hard if the person you love is then not the person you thought. You can't force him, but you can't live a life where you are unhappy.

Stripyhoglets1 · 21/06/2018 19:16

So he's kept you waiting during your fertile years and now he's not sure - and you don't have long to play with now - if he won't commit to children now then go. Don't waste any more time on him. So many women end up childless because men do exactly thus to them often the men move on and have children with the next one as they have no real time limit.

Aminuts23 · 21/06/2018 19:28

Leave. I’m sorry to be blunt. I wasted my fertile years on a ditherer like this. I’m now 43 and childless. It’s the biggest regret of my life

dirtybadger · 21/06/2018 19:34

Leave asap. Even if you cant have children biologically/naturally, the other options will also be closed to you with someone who doesnt want kids. I dont know if you need to have another conversation. Surely if he knows its a deal breaker he would have told you if he had changed his mind (and wanted kids)....not just stayed silent! Dont draw it out any longer.

Luckystar777 · 21/06/2018 20:09

I have to agree with the others, leave him.

IcedPurple · 21/06/2018 20:16

Children is the biggest non-negotiable

This is so true.

And it amazes me how so many couples get married without sitting down and seriously discussing this.

I've never wanted children. No man could convince me otherwise, even if he were Adonis incarnate. And many other women feel the opposite. Either way, there's no compromise. You either have kids or you don't. If he does not want kids, the OP needs to leave because it's unlikely she'll be able to convince him to change his mind.

Relationships come and go. You need to go for what you want in life.

BellyDancer124 · 21/06/2018 20:22

How long have you been together? I don’t think its 6 months.. surely not.

Fenwickdream · 21/06/2018 20:33

Definitely leave- tomorrow. You're running out of time. You're not on the same page. He might realise what's important in life and come and get you but don't wait for him.
You'll never forgive yourself if you don't have children if it's something you always wanted.

Original poster
KateyA · 21/06/2018 20:34

2 years

From my dating profile, to the serious chat we had one month in where I said kids was a deal breaker, to the serious conversations we’ve had planning our future over the last 12 months about what we need in place to have kids and progress in our future I have always been clear and upfront.

It seems it was just once I made a move to sell my flat... the first step to initiate our plan of buying a 2 bed so we have a nursery he then balked .... didn’t tell me but slowly over the last 3 or so months it’s been increasingly clear plans are slowing and vague. Until the statement of being very unsure.

I am not forcing him to do anything; he is forcing me to choose between my fertility and last chance of motherhood and him it seems

OP posts:
Fenwickdream · 21/06/2018 20:36

The happy ending is that you have a child! Make it happen.

MoreCheerfulMonica · 21/06/2018 20:40

It's a painful situation to be in but I agree with the others. This is the great non-negotiable and, if he doesn't now want children, you need to leave.

mumof1 · 21/06/2018 20:43

I sympathise OP. I met my partner when I was 30 and he was 42 and he had 2 boys aged 14 and 9 and had had the snip a few years before we met. I was honest from the start that I wanted kids before I was 35. He originally said he did too and would get a reversal. He then changed his mind and said he didn't want kids. It was so hard as I loved him so much but not being a mother (or at least trying) was not an option for me. I moved back in with my parents and got pregnant via sperm donor. During the pregnancy my ex said he wanted to be in the baby's life and wanted a future together. He was at the birth along with my mum and I now have a gorgeous 16 month old boy. I still live with my parents at the moment as that works best for us for various reasons but my boy adores my partner and he always asks to mind him on the weekends that I am in work. It has worked out a lot better than I thought but I was totally prepared to go it alone (with the help of my wonderful parents ) If you stay with him without having the chance to become a mother I think you will resent him. I hope my story has helped and best of luck xx

LimeCheesecaker · 21/06/2018 20:51

Can’t people read the OP? She’s made it very clear the relationship has been for several years and it’s been six months since her DP’s announcement he doesn’t want kids/their original date to try.

OP, leave. You still have time, if you want kids and meet someone ASAP. Even if you want to adopt or use fertility assistance that is closed to you while with someone who doesn’t want them.

In my experience it’s impossible to be happy together when one wants kids badly and one doesn’t at all, either way one person loses out. And it always must be the one who wants them as it’s never gonna be fair to bring a child into the world who’s unwanted by one of their parents (nor is it fair on DP).

You won’t be happy staying with him feeling your final fertile years ticking away. You could break up due to the stress (or any other reason, relationships end all the time) in five years and your chances are gone. You’ll be childless and without the man you gave it all up for.

Move on ASAP OP. I promise it feels better to be single and free to meet someone to have kids than it is to be with even the most amazing man in the world feeling held back from what you really want.

LimeCheesecaker · 21/06/2018 20:53

And I’m so sorry OP. It’s an awful feeling for someone to change their mind about something you’ve been totally upfront and on the same page about. But it’s better than it happening once you’re pregnant.

Original poster
KateyA · 21/06/2018 20:59

Thank you! This gives me hope I can do this alone.

I’ve already organised to freeze my eggs as an insurance policy either way... that treatment starts next month

I’ve always been unsure about haninga child alone but I think I’m going to embrace this option. The idea of trying to date and find a father who I truely want to have a family with within the window between my broken heart mending and my fertility ending seems very very very limited. Perhaps I will find one post baby instead if I’m lucky

OP posts:
Fenwickdream · 21/06/2018 21:09

Yes yes yes do it. I will guarantee that if you have a baby on your own you'll be a whole lot happier than if you let your fertility fall through your fingertips now. Good luck. Put a plan into action starting with telling your partner that you are a strong independent woman with a mission to accomplish

mumof1 · 21/06/2018 21:12

Good for you! This was my reasoning too... I thought any relationship I had post break up would be too pressurised and I'd be rushing them into having a child. You can totally do it on your own. You may find once he hears of your plans he changes his mind anyway x

WerkSupp · 21/06/2018 21:21

You can do it. Begin looking for a sperm donor now. Freezing eggs is okay but the eggs are really delicate. An embryo is a little sturdier. It's good you have your own place. Start making plans to have a child on your own without him. All you have to tell him is that you have no more time to delay so have started the process to have a child on your own.

LimeCheesecaker · 21/06/2018 21:22

Go for it OP. There’s no reason you can’t have a baby alone, and then let your dating life figure itself out without time pressures later on.

I was younger, 28, when my ex of three years suddenly decided he didn’t want kids anymore, like you I’d brought it up within the first month of the relationship with a suggested time frame and he was all for it. The time came around and he changed his mind, we realised we couldn’t compromise and split. Until that point it’d been a lovely relationship and we were great together but he knew he couldn’t have a child and I knew I couldn’t not.

I met someone else very quickly, again I was honest within the first month, made it clear I was absolutely fine with us not dating and that’d be best if he didn’t want the same as I did. We’ve been together coming up on a couple years now, happily planning and saving for our future and have a time to TTC next year.

But you know what? Even if this didn’t work out, it was still completely for the best to end the last relationship. Much better to be free to meet someone or plan with someone who really wants the same as you, than be stuck in a dead end relationship. Better to be single than lying next to a man every night resenting him because you can’t think of anything better than being pregnant and having a child together and dealing with the emotions of knowing that’s his worst nightmare.

You can do this :)