Partner changed his mind about kids

[KateyA]

Hi all bit nervous to post so please be gentle. I’ve reposted here cos this I initially posted in the wrong talk

So I’m very very nearly forty.

After several years in a lovely relationship my partner has changed his mind about having kids now saying he’s no longer sure he wants them. He seems to be erring on the side of no; there are no clear reasons except perhaps fear of change.

I am devastated and know that I can’t go forward with the relationship if this is the case

I was upfront at the beginning of the relationship about kids being a deal breaker and he said he was keen for a family.
We started to plan moving to appropriate home, and set a provisional date to start trying.

Six months later here we are,

I have told him I will leave him if his descision is no kids as I would not be happy in the long term if I was unable to be a mother. I’m now absolutely terrified to start the concluding conversation when I ask what he’s decided because I know it’s going to break my heart.

The really horrid thing is aside our relationship is great

Any similar experiences? Happy endings? Advice?

Sorry also meant to mention I'd recommend joining the donor conception network, they are a fantastic charity who put you in touch with others in your area and also run workshops for those thinking of taking the donor route x

Another one saying find a sperm donor and go it alone. Being a mum is something special, there are plenty of men out there who you can meet later if you want.

Thank you I’m going to look up the organisation you mention.

Does anyone know anyone who’s had a donor baby without family support? Unfortunately I don’t have that option

“Being a mum is something special” It really isn’t. Honestly. Parenthood is a long hard slog over many, many years. A good relationship with somebody you love, trust, laugh and want to grow old with is a gift. Obviously if you really want children that is a moot point. . Think about it carefully.

Yes, it's unwise to romanticise parenthood or motherhood, but if OP's partner does not want children, staying in the relationship will mean she has to give up any chance of being a parent. She's already said she doesn't want to do that.

Maybe not something Special to you but to most it is. If I asked everyone of my friends and family they would think the same.

All the heartbroken women on here who can't conceive think it's pretty special. All the women who have more after experiencing what a "long hard slog it is" must think it's something special.

Can't stand it when women who have had children patronise women that haven't. That instinct is in built in most of us. You don't know better than the OP. She was born with the same instincts that clearly drove you to have one.
A good partner may well be a gift but how are they good if you want different things? Billions of people in this World and loads of men waiting to be Dads too. However she's running out of time. Fuck tradition, have your baby any way you wish.
I wish my best friend was brave enough to do this instead of hanging around for Mr Right at 39.

A good relationship with somebody you love, trust, laugh and want to grow old with is a gift.

She won't have that with this person because there will be growing resentment over his having told her he was on the same page with regards to having kids and then changed his mind.

I find motherhood very special, no matter how hard it is. Definitely would not have given up the chance at it for a relationship.

Can't stand it when women who have had children patronise women that haven't.

I absolutely agree!

being a mum is something special
parenthood is a long hard slog over many years
To be honest I think both statements are true. If having baby is important to you then set about having one. There are a lot of single unsupported mothers, some seem to find it easier than others, it certainly seems doable.

Good for you OP. Your situation is very sad but you sound clear about your priorities and I think you're making the right choice for you. I do have a friend who has become a single mother through choice using donor sperm. She is in her late 30s and ended up having twins. She has a lot of family support and seems very happy with her decision. Her children are about to turn 2 and as far as I know she isn't thinking about dating right now. It's definitely been hard for her, but I don't think she'd change her choice. If having children is important to you then leaving the relationship and making plans by yourself is infinitely better than waiting for him to come around or trying desperately to find another relationship before time runs out. Good luck to you, you sound like a smart determined person 🙂

Oh sorry, just seen you asked about people without family support. In that case no, I don't know anyone, sorry. I still think you should go for it though!

A friend of ours went it alone. She has family, but not near enough to provide any day to day help with childcare. It’s been hard work, but beyond any doubt it’s been worth it.

This is awful, and a difficult one.

My partner (ex) really wanted kids apparently... wanted to start trying very early on... and I didn't. I wanted to wait a few years and settle.

Anyway.... sometimes a man will tell you they want these things because they want you.
Only you.

I'm expecting my first child and I'm doing it alone.
Because now all of sudden my ex changed his mind and fucked off.

You you really need to sit and talk to him.
Try and be honest and open and tell him you want him to do the same.
Why has he changed his mind?
Ask him everything you can and then make a decision.....

OP - if you are nearly 40 - then I don’t think you have many options.
Freezing your eggs at this age - and dating in hope you meet a potential father for the kids - is really really tough.
Dating is hard as is - and is made nearly impossible if you add the additional criteria - ‘must want to have a child with me asap’

I had a friend in that situation and watching her go through that stage was difficult.

So - if you want to have a child, waiting isn’t really an option.
I’d say - tell the BF that you at having a baby in the next year or two. With him, or via IVF.
And then date.

Btw - my friend that I mentioned - has son now - a lovely boy. She did it without any family support - as she lives in a different country now.
And she is still dating.

Good luck

OP I had a 'donor' child at nearly 41 with no family around. DS was a difficult baby but it was ok in the end.

I have 2 donor conceived kids and it's fabulous.

I'm all alone as my family all live overseas to me and my work friends disappeared into the mists of time, but I have built network of mum friends especially my mother's group. I also ended up unemployed which I wasn't planning on. I'll go back to work shortly in a lower paid job, with less overtime, and gradually dig us out of poverty.

So basically, I'm poorer, tireder, fatter, busier than I've ever been. My kids are going through a sleepless patch so it's a hard slog at the moment. I'm also the happiest and most at peace I've ever been. I never have a moments regret other than I'm too old and poor to have another one.

There are definitely challenges, people judge, and it has its hard times, but it is doable.

I don't think we should be too hard on the DP here.

There's no reason to think that he led her on or lied rather than genuinely thought he wanted children, and now genuinely thinks he does not want them.

He is not forcing her to choose between children and him. She is not forcing him to choose between being child-free and her. The situation and their differing desires for their lives are forcing the choice.

I’m not being hard on him and I don’t want to be as I love him very much but emotionally it does feel a situation forced upon me and not of my choosing.

Perhaps it’s easier to be objective when it’s not happening to you.

People change their minds about things all the time. It’s not wrong to do so. But equally it’s definitely not wrong to feel incredibly hurt or betrayed when your life plans you’ve made with someone else turn to shit because they’ve changed their mind. It made me wonder when it happened to me whether he’d just been lying all along to be with me.

It feels especially cruel to me when a man stays with a woman in her last fertile years promising to have children with her and then changes his mind right when time has almost run out, even if it’s completely innocent and he genuinely didn’t realise he was going to change his mind it baffles me how someone can know their own mind so little? Maybe cos I’m quite a decisive person and I know what I want and not everyone else is like that, but I just can’t imagine doing that to someone I love. If my OH desperately wanted to go on a huge round the world trip and could only do so before the age of forty, yet I could do it for many indefinite years to come, and for the years leading up to his fortieth I kept saying I would go with him and then suddenly when time had almost ran out I realised I didn’t really want to do it after all? I just don’t see how that makes sense.

Surely your DP knew long ago he was unsure about kids, so why didn’t he talk to you about it? Let you know about his uncertainty so you could decide what to do with that knowledge? It’s so selfish to just keep blundering on, knowing your partner is counting on you, then turn round at the eleventh hour and say ‘actually, nah’.

These things happen, and it’s better now than after a pregnancy or a child, sure. And maybe none of it was nefarious, maybe he is just a dreamer who doesn’t think through reality or had some major trauma that changed his mind. But OP still has every right to be hurt. I’d be fucking furious. And then channel that emotion into problem solving where to go from here.

OP have you ended it yet?

In some ways he may be a wonderful man OP, and someone you love. But part of me wonders if he really loves you as much as you think to be capable of doing this to you. You don’t make promises to someone knowing there’s a limited time available, and then just change your mind without knowing you’re inflicting a world of pain and heartache on the other person. If he wanted a baby with you before, what happened? Why did he suddenly decide otherwise

Has he ever explained this?

No not yet; we need to talk more out of respect for us both and need for understanding. I’m just planning to hold this convo on a weekend when I have a day after to cry... a lot. Before I’m back at work

emotionally it does feel a situation forced upon me and not of my choosing.

Of course it does - for you; the choice is easy, nothing has changed. You wanted the status quo.

For him; unless he's an utter wanker, starting to make preparations with you has made it more real and shown him that he doesn't want this. At best, he's not ready for it yet.

In all likelihood; that's a situation that neither of you want - it's been forced upon you both. Neither of you can be unreasonable here, neither of you can be realistically expected to change your minds. You're just not compatible now.

You can't expect him to go through with a child he now knows that he doesn't want, anymore than he can expect you to put everything on hold for a child he may never want.

You need to make the next step though. You've got the worst hand here; you've got a time limit that just isn't there for him. He can meander on for a while and see if his feelings change - and to be honest, as a man, he's got quite a while before he needs to consider his fertility.

This sucks for you but rue it later; it's time for action now.

He might just be having a wobble, cold feet, a late stage panic. Some men do. Right now, he's feeling like he suddenly reached the crunch point - he needs to be moved in together, having a child together and committed to a life forever with you and that child. He's taking it seriously and working out if that's what he wants. Good, he should. That doesn't actually mean his answer will be "no".

I have one friend who did it alone from a donor, she seems happy with the decision, but I would guess very few people regret their children when they have them. Another friend hung around until 43 when her partner finally decided he would agree to have a child as long as they got early support from her family as he didn't know if he could cope with the new baby stage; she ended up staying with her dad until the baby was about 8 months old, but they all live together again now. Weird maybe, but it worked for them. My partner initially said he wanted to wait a few more years; it took some discussion but we agreed we had to move first and then should just go ahead because of my age. So, the answer isn't always no.

Clearly you love this man and are ready to spend your life with him, so put some time into really talking through both his fears and yours. At least you'll be clearer by the end of it.

It is just his polite way of saying sure I want kids, just not with you. If you break up you will probably find he has kids with the next one in two seconds flat.

I don’t agree