Regret over choice of husband because of his parents

[Chamonix1]

We've never truly got along. I've written about them many a time here.
I've realised my mil is only nice to achieve something she wants, get her own way and my girl really does work for she in regards to getting what she wants. That's the BASIC relationship between them.
We and our children are used as tools to achieve her happiness and when we don't get it right she throws strips and gets quiet honestly nasty.
She's ruined many occasions and been bitter towards me for not involving her enough (no matter how hard I try) and they seem to think it's their right to be at ABSOLUTELY everything my children do.
I'm sick of sharing sports day, ballet shows, Christmas shows, birthdays, Xmas, holidays, family gatherings (especially mine where she complains she wasn't made to feel special enough every bloody year!), Mother's Day, Father's Day, my own fecking birthday.
She invites herself to everything and bangs on about how she's putting all these wonderful memories in an album and box for their 18ths ("I'm sure you are doing one chamonix they'll have 2!") and staring at me and making the whole thing awkward because every event I seem to offend her (unless it's an event based around her).

I'm seriously considering whether my life would be nicer and happier away from them and the only way I seem to be able to achieve this is leaving DH.
We didn't see them for 2 months, he went round and had it out with his mum when he himself got sick of watching her nasty petty behaviour and of course she's now behaving impeccably well, as per always after a bust up to ween her way back into our lives before repeating her usual repetitive nasty ways.

Dd2 is 6 months and she's starting to try and persuade me to hand her over for "alone time with nana so mummy and daddy can relax" I am so sick of having to bat her off with a stick. If I trusted her and felt ready I damn wel ask.

Sorry for the rant. I write this down here and either get told I'm mad myself of go no contact but I need to vent somewhere

I've realised my mil is only nice to achieve something she wants, get her own way and my fil really does work for her in regards to getting what she wants. That's the BASIC relationship between them.

Sorry about those typos made little sense !

I’m NC with my inlaws ( just MIL now as he died) and have been since our eldest dc was about 5 , they pissed me off endlessly and eventually I told dh he had to speak to them about their behaviour or else . He spoke to them and they chose to never speak to me again , they started talking to him again after a few weeks . When the dc were younger they visited occasionally with dh ( we live about 15 min drive away) but they were never left alone with them and as the dc grew up they have chosen to have minimal contact . This arrangement has worked very well for us , perhaps you could try a similar set up if you are otherwise happy with your husband .

Start keeping info to a minimum, no dates /times /places for these events.
Start backing away and stay away this time.

I'd leave her, not your DH.

Tell her when she can come over - ‘we’d like to invite you on these dates’, and have something really busy to do, like going to a stinky farm, so you don’t have to more than make small talk. That way you can be more in control.

It's a bit harsh to leave DH. It sounds as though he's on your side.
You could both move away so it's not so convenient for her to get involved?
Or just go NC so that she doesn't know what's going on

Grandparents don't seem to grasp that they've had their time to bring up and enjoy their own children. Not all but some do seem to have some sort of entitlement to everything. My mother in law proudly boasted how many cards she had recieved when our son was born and she was going to have her own memory box. Some grandparents just want the glory. Im lucky in that they only bother visiting now for an updated photo to show off to their friends. Had the same conversation about sending fathers day cards to his dad from our son, I don't feel it's appropriate and I don't want to encourage that behaviour. I don't think it's worth leaving your husband over however he does need to step in and sort the situation out. You should be able to share with them what you choose to share.

Just tell her to back off. No baby needs alone time with anyone unless parents are ready. She has no qualms about tantrumming maybe you just need to make a bigger fuss? Childish as it seems. Or just don't visit.

Some people are emotionally immature and self-involved. Some of these people become grandparents and are used to every family occasion revolving around them and their own needs and desires. If they have always been this way it is unlikely to change.

For your own sanity you need to figure out what you and your DH want as the grandparents are unlikely to ever ask you or take your desires into consideration. They are too self absorbed to care. Put in boundaries, don't run around trying to please them. They will always resent anyone who prevents them getting their way as they feel very entitled so you have to prioritize your own nuclear family.

Sounds like DH is on the same page so decide together how you want to celebrate and stick to it.

Flora I wish when DH spoke to his parents about heir behaviour they chose never to speak to me again. Unfortunately his mum just went nuclear (at DH about so many things including him not just me!) and then realised falling out with me was a stupid idea because in fact her sons useless and wouldn't bother with her unless she hounds him.
I really do try and keep things to a minimum they seem to find out about everything anyway.
When she gets awful DH stands up to them eventually I'm just fed up of shit being awful and ultimately they're his parents.

How do they find out so much about your life?

You could start changing the kind of celebrations you have ie no more "family" celebrations, but you, your DH, your kids and friends do your own thing.

Move away? A long way away?!

Chamonix

What do you want ultimately to happen here re you, he and them?.

You have written about your toxic ILs (I particularly remember the skipping rope incident with your eldest child) and your partner at great length previously.

Why is it that you cannot make a complete break from these people? What is preventing you still from doing that?. How do they find out so much about your lives, does your man tell them?. Is he still mired in his own FOG re them too?

DH won't let go of the only family he has (apart from us) and I kind of understand why that's hard.
He loves his dad but actively dislikes his mum- unfortunately they come as a set.
I don't want to be the one to make him choose but if I said "no more seeing children or me" his relationship with them would be even worse they'd cry and scream and come round uninvited and band on the door and rope other family members into making us feel we are depriving the children on loving gps.
It's an unnatural thing to do and when we have gone no contact they've managed to ween their way back in through guilt hen behaved semi normally, making us think we are going mad and it can all be fine.
They find out by looking at school website, through Facebook for ballet shows etc and pester about occasions like birthdays Xmas gathering etc. Look at our Callander etc. I never tell them.
Every year our family get together just my side, each year mil invites herself along and each year she throws a huge paddy we socialised with people we hadn't seen all year rather than her. It is constant.
Huge nasty bust up would need to happen. We'd need to move house, change numbers and block them entirely. Last time we went no contact they threatened court over seeing dd1.

Just can't deal with all that shit if I'm honest!!

Very much still in FOG.
"What If they die" is one of the main things. Fear of feeling guilty later.
He wants and craves a normal healthy relationship with them and every now and then they allow that which gives him hope. Ultimately in their eyes they own him.
Just give up and feel it'd be easier to separate myself from them if I just separate myself from him.

They have no recourse to court re contact with your dd: they have never had her to look after alone for a period of time and any court would laugh them out of the place. Stupid people.

Think in that case you need to give him that choice , that it’s NC with them or you leave but ultimately if you leave then they will get more involvement with your children without your input as they will probably end up taking over on your husbands contact time . They will also still be turning up at school events etc . As for the taking you to court unless they’ve been sole carers for long periods I can’t see that going very far .

How often do you actually see them?

Op I have honestly wondered if I had name change and written this. I have recently this week had my own thread about in laws inviting me themselves to sports day.
Instead of looking forward to it I'm dreading it.
My Mil is pretty much same and has ruined every event she has been at and yes fils full time job is to keep her happy and bend us to her will. Dh is now depressed he can't handle it, I feel sick at the thought of allowing them at sports day... And having to endure them.. I can't bear mine.

I have thought about leaving many time's but.... Then they willing rail road my dh into access. And I won't be there. My dc like seeing them rarely.. The more they they seem the less they want too. And I don't think any more than that is good for dc.

This is a truly horrible situation and I really sympathise. My MIL is similar but nothing near as bad. After our 30+ years of marriage, they still treat their 58 year old only child like a naughty boy whom they can control through MIL crying and FIL shouting. I did go NC for a few months years ago and while it was great for me it was stressful for my DH. We patched it up and I've kept them at arms length since. We get the usual guilt trip every once in a while but it's water off a duck's back now.

If you want to save your marriage you both really have to toughen up and set some firm boundaries. Don't have your calendar on display, don't tell them about family events that are none of their business. I'm amazed schools put everything on line for all to see! You have to be blunt and tell them that if they continue to overstep your boundaries you will have no choice but to go no contact. You could even say "You are welcome to see the DC twice per month, please let us know when you would like this to take place. More than twice per month is not possible due to other family visits and time commitments as we are a busy family and we're trying to be fair with everyone. If you disrespect our reasonable wishes we will have no choice but to cut your visits down to one per month, and ultimately - if you continue to break the arrangement we have made you will be responsible for us having no choice but to go NC. Do you understand?" If they turn up banging on the door - call the police - get tough!

They haven't got a leg to stand on legally so don't worry about that.

I completely understand you feel like you may have no choice but to separate from your DH - they have infected every part of your lives and ruined your family memories. Let them know that their behaviour is not normal and they need to focus on other things in their lives not solely focus on your little family to fill their lives.

Twice a month for me would be far far too much. I don't agree with any of mines values and neither does dh. Older dd barely likes seeing the them every few months and younger not keen.

Have you considered moving? Sounds drastic but could be a solution

The "twice per month" was just an example. It's up to OP to set the limit.

I think you need to set some low contact boundaries for your own sanity. Talk to DH - say its got out of hand again, and you feel you want to go low contact with his side of the family - you don’t expect him to though. Say you will see them once at Christmas, once in the summer and a couple of other times. You will decline to join other family events and will go out if he wants to have them over at yours. Rules about their contact with dc. And that if he can’t accept that it does put your relationship at risk. This is not about sorting out their behaviour, you are past that now. However if their behaviour escalates in response, then it validates rather than undermines your position.

OP you describe my ex ILS. The difference with me is that I didn’t have dc. I lived for 7 years with ever single special occasion ruined and most of my weekends. Although me and ex ttc we never did and a huge part of me was hugely apprehensive about having a child anywhere near them. I have never met such a toxic pair. FIL came across almost reasonable sometimes but what he was actually doing was winding up MIL so she was the mouthpiece. I got screamed at, text at all hours, ignored, lied about etc then expected to be accommodating and sociable when it suited them. I hated them. If I brought up how they treated us it would all start again. My ex tried to address it with them sometimes but as an only child ultimately his loyalty was to them. I don’t know what to suggest. I left. I’ve never ever looked back. BUT I didn’t have kids. Could you try putting in more boundaries? I went NC with them once for 3 months. MIL was distraught and for a while when we reconciled I had the upper hand but it didn’t last long. Your DH is key here I think. Good luck